//------------------------------// // 31: Baths and whatnot. // Story: Honor the Dead // by BinaryTroll //------------------------------// Honor the Dead by BinaryTroll Pre-read/Edited by Honored Service Chapter 31: “Baths and whatnot.” -------------- “What do you mean?” Luna asked, despite her obvious surprise. I looked pointedly at Twilight. “Last I checked, Twily here-” I gestured in her general direction. “Wasn't an alicorn. So, once again, what the actual fuck?” Twilight was the second to regain her wits. “That's none of your business! I demand to know why you broke down the door and began speaking in such an uncivilized manner!” I raised an eyebrow. “Making demands now? I guess you really are becoming a princess.” I sniffed. “I don't really like that. Also, I would have thought Luna would be the one telling me off here, not you. In fact, I didn't exactly expect to meet you for another week or more. Especially not alicorn you. How are the wings by the way? I've always wanted a pair of wings.” She scowled. “Still none of your business.” “Fuck off, wings are always my business. I love wings. Wings are the shit.” I cut myself off before I got into a wing rant. “Anyway...” I looked around and noticed the bleeding body of Prince Blueblood at my feet. “Why did no one tell me I killed this guy? I probably could have gotten good money from a proper assassination.” I looked to the crowd. “I am now auctioning payment for the murder of Prince Blueblood. Anybody who wishes to pay, step right up.” A few of the ponies looked like they were going to put a hoof up, but looked back to the three princesses and decided against it. Celestia finally stood up. “I cannot allow you to just waltz in here and murder one of my subjects, however hated. My student asked and you ignored her. I doubt you will be so quick to ignore me. Who are you and why are you here human?” I grinned. “Oh man, I love it when you go all badass.” I pulled out the FAMAS and aimed it at her. “But yeah, I'm a control freak. And I really want to know what's going on. So, how about we kick this off again with less hostility and me with the advantage of a gun pointed in your general direction?” “I'm not sure if that is less hostility.” Joel said, finally arriving to stand beside me. “Also, you do realize that you have almost no chance of hitting them at this range right? I know how bad a shot you are.” “Shut up, they don't know that.” “We do now.” Luna said with a smile. I dropped the FAMAS and slung it back across my back. “Dammit Joel.” “Always happy to be of service.” He said with a smile. I rolled my eyes and sighed. “Okay, for the third time. Can somepony please tell me why Twilight is an alicorn?” Celestia sighed. “Twilight has become the alicorn of magic due to her thorough understanding of friendship.” “And friendship is magic. Although, apparently most things connected to emotions are magic.” “How do you know this?” Celestia asked. I shrugged. “Putting stuff together from previous knowledge of the show and discussions about changeling biology. You should really learn about it. It's cool.” Celestia considered this briefly and then dismissed it. “Okay then, my turn. State your name, rank and intention. Both of you.” “Edward, assassin/mercenary thing and a hot shower.” “Joel, also an assassin and I would also love a hot shower. And some food.” I nodded in agreement. “And some food. Also coffee.” “Yes, we cannot forget the coffee.” I heard footsteps from behind me and turned. Shyvanna and Vi were cantering up the hallway towards us. “Where did you go running off to?” “Where did we go running off to?” Shyv imitated angrily. “What about you two? I thought we'd lost you!” She looked around. “Where are we anyway?” I stepped aside. “Welcome to the throne room of Princesses Luna and Celestia, which was presumably in day court until I kicked down the door and possibly killed Prince Blueblood.” There were several scattered exclamations about the presence of a changeling, including one shouting 'kill it with fire!'. “Also, yes it's a changeling, and no, you will not continue breathing if you keep that shit up.” “Who are you calling it?” Vi asked. “You presumably. Although there could be other changelings here.” “That wasn't what I was referring to.” I smiled. “I know.” “You're a pain in the flank, you know that?” “Yet you still bothered tracking me down.” She considered that briefly. “Touché.” I rolled my eyes and readdressed the princesses. “At this point, we should probably do something about the fact that a good fifty ponies, and not ponies I trust in any way, now know of the presence of a changeling, a half-dragon and two humans in Canterlot.” “You were the idiot who insisted on charging in here and breaking the door down.” Shyv muttered. “Shut up, I've been planning that for ages.” “I think it was worth it.” Joel said. “You're calling worth?” “I'm calling worth.” “Well then,” I turned my attention to the crowd.“Under pain of death, which I seriously have no problems with, knowledge of my presence is not to leave this room. In fact, memory wipe would be great, know anything about that Vi?” “Sadly, no.” “Damn. Luna?” Luna considered my proposition. “I should be able to do so, but I would recommend we leave to discuss matters more privately. Besides, there is little point in erasing their memories if they just encounter you again.” “Good point. In that case, I'll meet you at the library.” Luna smiled and nodded. “We shall see you there.” “Wait a minute, what about our rights? We have a right to maintain our memories of any and all events! Memory spells are illegal!” Piped up a voice from the crowd. I laughed. “You do realize that Luna and Celestia basically created those laws and, if they are in agreement, can withdraw them at any time? Besides, you won't remember your rights being violated anyway. For all you know, this is the third time we've had this conversation.” I winked at Luna. She rolled her eyes but smiled in spite of herself. “He speaks truly, and I am getting rather tired of hearing the same conversation over and over again. If you could leave please?” I smiled. “All you had to do was ask.” Later, in the Canterlot library “Prince Blueblood will live, he was not seriously injured and will make a steady recovery.” Celestia reported. “Although, I do not appreciate the way you manipulated my sister and I into wiping the memories of our subjects, nor how you threatened us.” I shrugged. “I have no idea how killing Blueblood would really matter, and I might have been able to kick start a business off that. In regards to manipulating you, it was either that or killing a few, if not all of the ponies in that room. Threatening you? As I said, I'm a control freak, blame it on my upbringing.” “That doesn't excuse your actions.” I sighed. “Everything's fine though, so lets just shut up about it and move on.” She scowled. “For now perhaps.” Apparently it's the princess of the sun that needs to lighten up. How's that for irony? “Yes you're mad at me, I get it. Now enough of the scowling.” Her face went to a neutral expression that did little to hide her distaste. I sighed. “Fuck it, keep scowling, that's even worse.” Luna rolled her eyes. “Sister! Give him a chance. I'm sure he had a good reason for his actions. He just doesn't want to tell us.” “Yup. Totally that. Trust me.” “I don't.” Celestia muttered. “And that is probably a wise decision. Now, onto things greater than ourselves! Do you have a shower I could use? I'm filthy.” “I second that.” Joel said. “Yeah, a shower would be great.” Shyv said, combing some dust out of her mane and letting it fall to the ground. Celestia's eyes narrowed. “Why this so suddenly?” I lifted my left arm. “Three, two, one...” Everybody gagged. I lowered my arm. “That's why.” “Dammit Wards.” Joel muttered, coughing. “But still, why now?” Celestia choked out, still looking slightly green. I shrugged. “Because my brain reminded me? I don't know. I just thought 'I need a shower' so I asked if you have a shower.” “You won't hear any objections from me.” Luna muttered, her head encased in a clear blue bubble. “I suppose it would be a good idea if you did clean up a bit.” Celestia conceded, after coughing one last time. “Thank you.” I stood up and headed to the door. “Wait a second. Where am I going?” “To the showers.” Joel said. “No shit. I mean, where is the shower?” Celestia eyed me suspiciously. “What do you mean where is the shower?” “Exactly what I said.” “You mean, you have no idea where you are going to have a shower?” Luna asked. “I assumed you knew somewhere...” Luna and Celestia exchanged looks. “Oh god.” I sighed. “Please tell me you know somewhere.” “You could use the showers in the barracks.” Luna suggested. “Unless you feel like wiping the memory of most of you military, which would be unwise considering it's current state, that is likely out of the question.” Vi interjected. Luna nodded. “But those are the only showers in the castle, and the only baths are...” “Yeah. I can see where this is going.” I interrupted. “So now what?” Joel asked. “I still would like a bath of some form.” Shyv muttered. Celestia raised an eyebrow. “So it's a bath now?” I shrugged. “Apparently.” “So where are we going to go?” Silence. I sighed. “Well, it's either slow death by smell, or you let us use your bath.” “I hate awkward situations.” Shyv sighed. I rolled my eyes. “Don't follow me then, they swarm me like flies.” “That's a rather interesting comparison.” Luna commented. Joel sniffed and took a step away from me. “It's pretty accurate.” “Oh shut up.” Luna considered for a little while, and then said. “I will let you use my bath, just don't touch anything else.” I bowed to her. “Thank you. I always new you were the better sister.” Celestia frowned. I laughed. “That probably just made you hate me more. Oh well, jokes aside, can we please get on with this?” Luna smiled. “As you wish.” One bath later “Bloody hell! I forgot How nice it feels to be- Wait. Where are my clothes?” I looked around the bathroom. “You have got to be fucking kidding me.” I opened the door and looked around. “Who the fuck stole my clothes?” Luna smirked at me. “I thought, since they were so dirty, you might have wanted them to be washed.” “My coat has a bunch of stuff in the pockets! Please tell me you took them out first. Also, fuck you.” She laughed. “It doesn't take long to magically clean clothing.” I blinked. “Give me my fucking clothes.” “You are rather fond of using colorful language, aren't you?” I stretched my hand around the doorway. “Clothes. Then we talk.” She rolled her eyes in mock frustration. “Fine. Here.” She levitated my pants, shirt and underwear over. I snatched them from midair and slammed the door. That's the third time I had my clothes stolen. Fuck me. I pulled my pants on and checked the pockets. I still had that packet of gum. I pulled it out. The wrapper was a mess and the gum itself was basically just goop, but I still took a piece out and started chewing it anyway. I opened the door and stretched. “God that feels good!” Luna raised an eyebrow. “You know, I would have though you would be a bit more colorful.” “As in?” “You're dressed entirely in black. Even your undergarments are black.” “So? Are you questioning my fashion choices?” She smirked. “A little bit, yes.” I sighed. “You certainly wouldn't be the first. Anyway, where are my socks, boots and coat? Also my weapons. That's probably more important. Oh, and where did everybody else go?” “My sister probably went back to her room, along with your weapons. The others are either in the library or outside. As for your boots and coat, they seem to have an unnaturally high resistance to magic so I sent them off to be cleaned properly. I incinerated your socks.” “Dammit! What'd you do that for?” “They smelled.” She said simply. “But now my feet will chafe...” I complained. Luna rolled her eyes. “Suck it up, you can get a new pair.” “So wait, how come you're still here?” “This is my room.” I blinked. “Oh yeah.” Fuck. “I'll just be going.” She sighed and pulled out a comic book. “Send in whoever you find next.” “Okay then.” I stepped outside. “You took your time Wards.” Joel said, standing up from where he had been sitting. “That took close to half an hour.” “I haven't been clean in a month. Cut me some slack.” “Neither have I. So no, I won't.” I grinned. “Off you go then.” He opened the door and went inside. “See if you can find Vi and Shyv. They said something about the library.” “Okay then.” I set off down the hall to where I thought the library was. But then I stopped. I just had an idea.