“Just a city colt…
Born and raised in San Fransiscolt…”
“You can’t rhyme colt with colt! What kind of songwriter are you?” shouted one of the ponies in the crowd in front of the stage.
“Shut up!” I yelled at the heckler. “If you’re so good, you get up here and sing!”
“I could,” the mare called back. “And a lot better than you.”
“Doesn’t matter. You don’t know the words.” I hit another guitar chord for emphasis.
“That just means you suck as a musician overall!”
“Uh, Valiant?” muttered Guinness beside me, holding a bass guitar. “We’re just supposed to be background entertainment, and especially not antagonizing customers. Especially not now, at the grand opening.”
I looked at him and then back at Trixie on the drums. She nodded.
“Fine,” I grumbled, transitioning to a nice little rhythm that carried a tune but didn’t necessarily need vocals.
The new pub in Ponyville, called The Half Pint, seemed to settle down into a pleasant chatter. Food and drink went around. All the customers seemed to be enjoying themselves. Apparently, the event had also coincided with National Random Holiday Party Day. I think it was something Pinkie made up, but the atmosphere was festive enough.
It was three months and twenty six days until the next Daring Do book came out. I was looking forward to it. Not only would a new novel be nice, but Rainbow would finally shut up about it.
I think it even grated on Guinness’ nerves a little, but he was much more accepting of it than I.
In that respect, the party seemed to help take Rainbow’s mind off the book. She barely mentioned it as she helped Guinness’ business partner, Squibles, tend the pub. Rainbow Catcher, the littlest demon in Ponyville, sat in her highchair and watched.
Squibles was a griffon Guinness had met somewhere. Between the two of them, they had developed several meat substitutes to serve on the menu. Some of them were even worth eating.
I looked around as I continued to play guitar on stage. Pinkie had dragged Fluttershy along. She looked to be enjoying herself, although quietly, of course. Rarity was also there, having some punch. Ever the socialite, she was chatting with a few patrons.
Sunset was pressed against the wall, her eyes darting back and forth as if terrified that someone would approach her. Apparently, she did not handle parties well.
Guinness, Trixie, and I were just finishing up our set when Twilight walked in. Everybody bowed to her, although it made her look uncomfortable and she quickly waved at them to get back up.
I put my guitar down and went over to her. “Back in Ponyville so soon? Why don’t you just live here?”
“There are a lot of things to take care of in Canterlot, what with Princesshood just recently being dumped on me,” she said. “I’ve also been working on the secret of that mysterious box with the six keyholes. But most of all, Ponyville has a new librarian and I wouldn’t want to impose.”
“You were the one who appointed Sunset,” I said.
“Well, what’s your opinion?” Twilight asked. “You’re living at the library with her.”
I shrugged. “Well, when you put it that way, she’s way better to live with than you. She’s quiet, never has backfiring spells, and doesn’t frown on my alcohol consumption.”
I grinned. Twilight rolled her eyes.
Rainbow came by just then, fangirling about Daring Do. Twilight delivered some bad news. She’d just heard that the new book was going to be delayed another two months.
“How could you possibly know that before me?” Rainbow demanded. “I’m the series’ biggest fan!”
“I’m just as big a fan as you,” Twilight reminded her. “A.K. Yearling just might be my favorite author! I know everything about her. Where she grew up, where she studied literature, where she wrote the first Daring Do book-”
“Where she lives?” Rainbow broke in.
“Uh…no, but I could probably find out somehow,” Twilight replied. “Why?”
“Because we’re about to make a bad decision?” I suggested.
“No! Because we need to go help her!” Rainbow retorted. “She needs to spend every waking second writing the book. We can help by doing her laundry, cooking her meals…whatever! Now who wouldn’t appreciate that?”
I cleared my throat. “Someone who doesn’t like bad decisions?”
“She could just say no,” Rainbow grumped. “I’ll get the girls and we’ll go!”
I figured I should probably tell someone that I was about to go on a stupid adventure. Seriously, how does shit like this keep finding me? Why do I keep agreeing to it? Well, mostly on the hope that Rainbow’s hopes and dreams get crushed.
I went over to the stage where the instruments were being packed up and told Trixie what was going on.
“Need help?” she asked. “I know a lot about adventuring.”
“Sure,” I said. I turned to Guinness. “Looks like your wife is sticking you with the baby.”
He grimaced slightly at the memory that said baby was a monster. I left him to think about his mistake and headed back across the room with Trixie. On the way, I saw a large stallion looming over Sunset and apparently trying to pick her up.
“The music’s stopped now, but maybe we could find somewhere else to dance,” he was saying. “You sure look like a mare I would tango with.”
“Hey man, if she doesn’t dance, she doesn’t dance,” I suggested.
He shot me a look. “This isn’t your business and she didn’t say no.”
“N-no,” whispered Sunset.
He looked back at her with anger. “I’m not finished with you!”
“Leave her alone, or you’ll be finished with your dick.” I pulled out my switchblade. It was a lot more impressive now that I’d started keeping it in my hammerspace rather than my mouth. No slobber, basically.
Jarred, the stallion moved away quickly. I nodded to Sunset and went on my way.
“That was nice of you, rescuing her,” said Trixie. “Do you like her?”
“Huh? I’m just trying to make sure we still have a librarian so I can read the next Daring Do book. Why, are you trying to set me up with someone?”
Trixie laughed. “Do you think I would do something like that to you, dad?”
“Stranger things have happened.”
“Yeah, like the place where you pulled that knife from.”
“This again?”
“Come on, dad. You’ve got to tell me the secret.”
I sighed. “Soon, we’re going to have to sit down and have a long talk, Trix. I should tell you what happened to me in space.”
Trixie still seemed intensely interested, but my promise of having a conversation eventually was enough to sate her for now. We joined up with the rest of the group and left town.
Pinkie painted a red line behind us as we went. I walked up front with the rest and talked over the situation.
“I don’t think we should intrude on her privacy,” Twilight was saying. “Why else would she live way out here all alone if she didn’t want company?”
“Meth lab?” I suggested. I frowned. “No, probably not, considering we have the whole Crystal (meth) Kingdom. By the way, I think I already mentioned this, but Cadance is pregnant.”
“Hey! I think I spotted the house!” said Rainbow before anyone could reply to me. She pointed the way to a small cottage that looked trashed as if a gang of thieves had had time to work over it.
“Apparently somepony had intruded pretty hard on her privacy already,” Rainbow muttered.
“Now I hope we’ve all learned something today,” I said, turning to leave. “Let’s go home.”
“But we gotta find out what happened!” said Rainbow, quickly zooming over to the house. Everyone followed her. I sighed and went after them. The inside of the house looked just as disheveled as the outside.
“Oh my,” murmured Rarity. “I hope A.K. Yearling is all right.”
The fire was still burning in the cast iron stove, showing that all this damage had happened recently. We were still picking around in it when a voice called out, “What are you all doing here?”
A sand-colored mare with a grey mane, who wore a hat, glasses, and cloak, appeared in the door. Fangirling commenced. Hard.
Amid the squees, I noticed that A.K. Yearling seemed to have the same colors as Daring Do. It made sense, as authors often created characters that were at least a little bit like themselves.
A.K. Yearling hunted around her wrecked possessions before finding a book with a lock to a secret compartment. She spun in the combination and popped it open. The inside was empty.
“Where did it go?” A.K. gasped. Trixie and I traded a private glance.
“Um, maybe this is a bad time,” said Rainbow, “but is there any way we can help you with your new book?”
A.K. kicked us out. By the sound of it, after we were outside, she started ransacking everything in the house trying to find some lost item.
“You should really learn to respect ponies’ privacy,” Twilight muttered to Rainbow.
“What about those guys?” said Pinkie, pointing to the roof, where three stallions were jumping into the house through a window.
So instead of respecting her privacy, we went over and creeperpeeked in her window. As it turned out, A.K. Yearling was Daring Do.
Although it made me wonder which was her real name. She could have a penname for authoring books about herself, or she could use a fake name for her character who was in all other respects exactly like her.
Regardless, the three stallions we saw sneaking in got into a fight with her. “My mind is officially blown!” squealed Twilight.
“Now that you’ve got alicorn powers for good and all that, why don’t you break up this fight before I go in there and blow the minds of those guys?” I said. “Goddamned literally.”
“Uh, yes,” said Twilight. She hurried into the house and used magic to pull all three intruders to separate corners of the room. “What’s going on here? We came to help.”
“Daring Do doesn’t need help. She handles her business herself.” The adventurer put on her hat. She scowled at the crooks Twilight had caught. “Which one of you took the ring?”
“What are you talking about?” one of them said. “We thought you had it!”
“She doesn’t have it?” asked a fourth stallion, walking through the door.
“Caballeron!” shouted Daring. “So let me guess: Ahuizotl has put you up to this? You're stealing the ring to give to him so his hold on the Fortress of Talicon will be good for eight centuries as foretold by prophecy!”
Strangely specific, but I appreciated the backstory.
“That’s Doctor Caballeron,” the stallion corrected. “Also, close, but no. I'm planning to sell it to him, make a bundle, and retire from archaeology in splendor.”
That made sense to me. If you’re good at something, never do it for free.
Daring made a noise of annoyance. “Caballeron, you fool! You're dooming the valley to eight centuries of unrelenting heat!”
“That’s right, just as soon as I find the ring. Come, henchponies!” Caballeron went out the door. Still held by Twilight’s magic, his goons didn’t move.
This time, it was Twilight who made a noise of annoyance. “Didn’t he recognize me? You can’t just commit crimes and things in front of Princesses.”
“You should track him down and beat his ass,” I suggested.
Twilight threw me a look. “Isn’t that more of your thing?”
I did a mock salute. “Yes ma’am. I’m on it.”
During our banter, however, Daring was already out the door and followed by Rainbow. Trixie and I trotted after them.
The forest got dark, but up ahead we could navigate by Rainbow’s shouts. Trixie asked, “So when are we going to tell them that I picked the lock on Daring’s secret book thing and you stole the ring?”
“In time,” I assured her.
The two of us kept walking until it got dark. Shortly thereafter, we heard a commotion up ahead and hurried to see what it was about.
Ahuizotl was there, and so were his cats. They were beating up Daring and stuff. Ahuizotl was way uglier than the books depicted him. He had a creepy little face on the end of his elongated skull.
Anyway, they captured Daring and carried her away.
We passed Rainbow, who seemed to be in a state of shock. While she had the whole Element of Loyalty thing going on, Daring had repeatedly spurned her offers of help and apparently Rainbow didn’t know how to handle that. Trixie and I kept going.
“So what are we going to do for Daring, uh, Do?” Trixie asked. She put on a hopeful smile. “Gunship rescue?”
I smiled but shook my head. “Nah, I don’t think the situation is serious enough.”
We eventually found our way to the Fortress of Talicon. Ahuizotl was pacing back and forth in front of a pillar that had a tall stack of rings on it. Around him were a group of ponies similar to each other who were equipped with warpaint, spears, and jewelry.
“Cultists,” Trixie growled. Her teeth started grinding. From what she’d told me of her travels, cults had not been kind to her. In fact, her body started to lengthen, her emotions fueling a change to her eight-legged form. Despite the fact that I was family and supposed to be supportive and all, it was creepy as hell.
Good thing I had the perfect thing to pacify her.
“I’ve got your M60 right here,” I said, giving her the machine gun.
She grinned, attitude suddenly changing. “Thanks, dad. You’re the best.” And she started mowing down cultists.
I wandered away and found Daring Do struggling to get out of a piranha pit. She’d just about managed it and landed on the ledge overlooking the water, breathing hard.
“What in the world is that noise?” she asked, hearing the distant gunfire.
“No big deal,” I said. “We’re just cleaning up the mess.”
She and I stopped at the entrance to the ring room. Trixie was cackling with laughter and firing at cultists without reprieve. Daring’s mouth went slack, seeing Trixie’s mutated body and massive weapon.
“What…”
“Shhh,” I said. “Just watch.”
The shooting slowly died down. Daring and I walked into the room. Ahuizotl cowered behind the stack of rings, eyes wide at the carnage he had just witnessed. Trixie grabbed him by his weird hand-tail and dragged his ass out into the center of the floor. She put the barrel of the gun to his head and looked up as Daring and I approached.
The Elements of Harmony caught up to us just then and rushed into the room. “What happened?” Twilight demanded.
“Like I said earlier, if Ahuizotl had gotten the ring, it would have been a disaster,” Daring said.
“This guy’s been causing you a lot of trouble, right?” I said to Daring.
“Well, yes. You’ve read the books,” she replied.
“You know, if all these books are true, then Daring has probably saved Equestria more times than you guys,” I said to the collective Element bearers. “We should probably investigate this stuff and make sure that nothing bad happens now that we know bad guys like Ahuizotl actually exist. In the meantime, we could certainly take him out of the picture.”
I looked to Daring for guidance as Trixie made ready to fire. Ahuizotl’s eyes bugged out. “Daring Do, don’t. Uh, I mean, Daring Do not… Daring Do, do not do… Ugh!”
I rolled my eyes and gave Trixie a signal to shut him up. With the butt of her machine gun, she hit him right in his creepy little face.
“You look like you have experience busting heads,” remarked Daring.
Trixie shrugged. “You learn things when you go on adventures.”
Daring’s eyebrows went up. “Are you interested in a book deal?”
All those present, myself and especially Rainbow Dash included, were taken aback. Trixie considered her answer. “Well, I am well versed with the entertainment industry.”
Daring and Trixie walked a few steps away to make plans. I turned to the Elements of Harmony and grinned. “I do love a happy ending.”