Peewee trudged on listlessly for the next several hours. The adventure continued, but Peewee’s heart was no longer in it; his heart was too busy sulking in the corner and waxing poetic on how much of an idiot it was. His brain was no more reassuring, as it constantly replayed the events and kept thinking of possible scenarios that would have avoided disaster and possibly gotten everyone to be friends. Even the adventure-happy tick in his earhole wasn’t able to help, as it had lost its voice and was now taking up mime. So engrossed was the young phoenix in his state of apathy that he didn’t even notice a blackbird almost crash into him mid-flight until it squawked in alarm and swerved just in the nick of time.
“Hey, what’s the matter with you?!” the blackbird screeched. “Are you a total idiot?!”
“Mm-hmm,” Peewee answered expressionlessly, still flying forward.
The response threw the blackbird for a loop, causing him to stammer, “Ye–we–uh–well, stop being one then!”
Yeah, that’s a great idea, Peewee’s brain chided. Stop being an idiot. Is that really so hard? I mean, that is what you have a brain for, isn’t it? To do that thinking thing that tends to be useful some–
SHUT UP, BRAIN! Peewee screamed internally. YOU’RE NOT HELPING!
I’d love to help, his heart chimed in, but I’d just make things worse like I always–
SHUT UP, THE BOTH OF YOU! Peewee snapped. I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE RIGHT NOW!
Peewee’s brain and heart both went silent at this non-verbal outburst.
Wow, what a meanie, his heart griped.
Eh, he’ll calm down, his brain stated matter-of-factly. He’s just hormonal at the moment.
I can still hear you guys, you know, Peewee responded flatly.
You know, his brain replied, the fact that you’re talking with your brain and your heart like they’re separate entities is a possible indicator of schizophrenia–
Lalalala, I can’t hear you, lalalala! Peewee sung, putting his feathers in his earholes even though that wouldn’t affect internal hearing. Also, he couldn’t fly while doing that, which didn’t exactly help matters. Oops.
THUD!
Idiot, his brain and heart echoed in unison.
I know… Peewee thought weakly.
----------
The sun was now close to the horizon, but Peewee’s mood was no closer to improving. He didn’t even know if he’d have the enthusiasm to give Spike a hug when he saw him. He’d still be happy to see him, of course; he’d just prefer to just go to bed, because, you know, failures don’t deserve to be awake. Or hug. Spike doesn’t deserve a failure like me…
Eventually, he stopped to take a drink from a nearby bog because his throat didn’t care about any of the drama going on and just wanted some liquid to keep it from becoming a dry husk. Alas, the water wasn’t very quenching, due to it being full of mud and animal waste. Peewee’s throat was complaining as loudly as a throat could, but the bird himself didn’t respond to it, too sunk in his swampy apathy to care about not becoming a swamp. He just sat down by the shore with a sigh; he may well have stayed there for all eternity, until mud accumulated around him and solidified, resulting in the creation of the world’s cutest mud statue, were it not for what happened next.
The bog started to ripple, and something started to rise from the depths. Four somethings, actually. Well, actually actually, it was just one something, but it looked like four somethings at the top–oh forget it. It was the hydra of Froggy Bottom Bog, and it was not pleased to see an intruder upon its waters. With a quartet of deep breaths, they let loose a mighty “ROAR!”
Peewee didn’t even flinch at the hydra’s fearsome display, instead responding with a heavy sigh.
The four heads of the hydra stared silently at Peewee’s lack of reaction, looked at each other in confusion, then decided to try the roar again, but better and in his face. “ROAR!”
Still nothing.
“Why isn’t he screaming and fleeing in terror?” the leftmost head on Peewee’s side asked his fellow heads.
“Maybe he’s blind and deaf?” the second head from the left suggested.
“Or maybe his tastes in scares are rather unusual,” the rightmost head offered. “Let’s see if this gets a reaction: Hey, little birdy! Imagine us wearing a thong right now! How do you feel about that?”
“Mick, shut up!” the third head from the right growled. “That is exactly what’s preventing us from becoming the terror of Everfree Forest!”
“Us?!” Mick retorted. “I don’t recall you deciding that we all wanted exactly what you want, Prescott.”
“I told you never to call me that?!” the third head bellowed in a roar that could be best described as “trying way too hard to be demonic." “You will address me as Axer!”
“Dude, I keep telling you, Axer is not a scary name,” the first head cut in.
“Oh, and I suppose Hardy is so much scarier, is it?” Axer shot back.
“Hey, Hardy’s clever! It’s an anagram!” Hardy said haughtily. “Where’d you get Axer from, anyway? Some reject death metal cover?”
Axer responded by snapping his jaws at Hardy’s neck, provoking him to snap back and engage in a game of Hungry Hungry Hydras, except the hydras were competing to chomp on each others’ necks instead of white balls or whatever hydras eat. The second head, tired of ducking down and being the middleman, lunged with one fluid motion and managed to clamp down on both of the others’ jaws at once.
“Enough!” the second head growled as best as he could with hydra mouths in his mouth. “I’m sick of you two always fighting! Do you have any idea what it’s like sharing a body with two heads that are literally at each others’ necks?!”
“I have an idea…” Mick muttered.
“Shut up, Mick!” the other three heads snapped at the same time, as though, for once, they shared a brain.
“Wow…” The heads turned their attention to Peewee, who had finally snapped out of his stupor and was staring at them, beak agape. “That was amazing! How did you do that so fast?! You’re like a ninja or something! Except, you know, not as sneaky.”
“Sure, that gets his attention…” Hardy muttered under his breath.
The second head gave a soft hiss at Hardy, then turned to the diminutive bird beneath him and said, “Well, you know, when you’re trapped between two knuckleheads that that just love to give each other a hard time, you kinda have to learn how to deal with them, ya know?”
“Well, I’ve never had more than one head, so, uh, not really,” Peewee responded, looking around his shoulders to make sure he’d hadn’t sprouted any heads while he wasn’t looking, something that happens more often than you’d think. “My name’s Peewee, by the way. What’s yours?”
“Peewee, huh? Fitting name for a runt like you,” the second head teased, eliciting a giggle from Peewee, mainly because he thought the word “runt” sounded cute. “As for me, I go by Draymond. This is Hardy to my right, Pres–” He was interrupted by a growl from his left. “Ugh, Axer to my left, and over at the other end is Mick.”
“Yeah yeah, we’re all introduced and stuff, goody goody,” Hardy said with a roll of his eyes. “Can we get back to eating that bird? It’s been too long since I’ve had anything filling!”
“Is that really all you guys can think about? Scaring and eating innocent creatures?” Mick chastised with the best “woe is me” expression a hydra could muster. “Why does no one ever consider what I desire?”
“Mick, we’ve been over this before,” Draymond said flatly. “You can’t be a fashion designer. The fashion industry just won’t let a big, scary hydra make clothes for ponies.”
“Not to mention, you know, no arms,” Hardy added, his head gesturing to the closest side of their body, which was, sadly, limbless.
“You see? This is exactly the sort of attitude that’s preventing me from achieving my dreams!” Mick cried out. “Why can’t you guys support me instead of shooting me down every chance you get?”
“Maybe if your dreams didn’t involve you being such a pansy,” Axer retaliated, “then you might get more support!”
“You know what I desire?” Draymond growled, his brow knit tightly enough to resemble a cool scar. “To be a head on a hydra that isn’t surrounded by heads that are always attacking each other in some way! Is that really so much to ask?”
“Probably,” Hardy stated bluntly, prompting Draymond to give him a long look, long enough for him to see the other side of Equestria if he had thought to do so.
“Wow, it really seems like you heads aren’t happy being part of the same body,” Peewee said with a sigh, his bad mood from earlier settling back in like an unwelcome fog after a brief sunny spell. “I wish I could help you guys, but I’d probably just mess everything up like I always do…”
“What exactly could a morsel like yourself do to help, anyway?” Hardy asked with a mocking laugh. “Wave a magic wand and split us into four different bodies?”
Suddenly, a lightbulb flashed in Peewee’s head, but thankfully it was only a metaphorical one, or he could have gotten brain damage from it, which isn’t as fun as it sounds. “No, but I know someone who could!” Peewee exclaimed with a warm burst of sunny disposition. “Well, except for the magic wand part.”
“Really?” Axer axed excitedly. “You know dark spirits that I could make a blood pact with?!”
“Uh, no,” Peewee replied, causing Axer to droop noticeably. “But I do know an incredibly powerful unicorn named Twilight Sparkle! She’s not a lot of fun, but she knows all sorts of magic, and I’m sure there’s a spell of hers that can split you into different bodies so you could be free to do whatever you like! Maybe she could even give you arms!”
“Ugh,” Axer groaned. “A pretty little pony fixing us? I’d rather stay next to this pansy all my life.”
“Hush, you!” Mick cried. “I finally have a chance to make it big for myself, and I won’t let you ruin it!”
“So, to be clear, does everyone want to separate from each other?” Draymond asked.
“You kidding?” Hardy cut in with a grin. “It’s too much fun messing with you guys! I wouldn’t trade that for the world!”
Draymond gave a long, drawn-out sigh, one that managed to last for several minutes, thanks to three other esophagi bringing air intake into their shared lungs. Just when Peewee and the other heads were getting antsy and about to break the silence, Draymond did it himself. “I’m going to miss being able to do that. Very well, lead the way, runt.”
“Yay!” Peewee cheered. “Finally, I can actually be helpful!”
“Wait, wait, there’s one last thing I want us to do while we’re still together,” Axer interjected.
Suppressing the urge to do another very long sigh, Draymond asked patiently, “And what might that be?”
“Do you think we could chase him down while he leads us?” Axer requested. “You know, just to have one, last, predatory, fear-inducing chase before we go our separate ways?”
“Oh, yes, those were the best!” Hardy chimed in, his eyes glazing over like lizard-flavored donuts as his mind traveled down memory lane, all while wearing a top hat and twirling a cane with a new set of reptilian arms. That, and viciously hunting down prey of times past. That is indeed the best way to reminisce.
“I admit, it would be nice to do it one more time,” Mick said with a small, guilty smile, “just to get the last of my predatory nature out of my system.”
“Or exacerbate it,” Hardy added under his breath.
“Shh!” Draymond hissed with all the subtlety of a giant snake trying to sell shoes before turning to Peewee. “Well, what do you say, little birdy? Care to indulge us in a little predator versus prey action before we split?”
Peewee was silent for a few moments, weighing the situation in his head. His mental scales were rather squeaky, so it was a little hard to concentrate, but he managed to get a good picture of the situation in the end. “So, just to be clear,” he asked, “you want me to lead the way to Twilight, but you want to follow me the way you normally follow your prey, just for fun?”
“Mhm!” all four heads said with a simultaneous nod.
“Well, if it’ll make you guys happy, sure!” Peewee said eagerly.
“Aw yeah!” Axer roared with rip-roaring uproariousness. Roar. “Prepare to die, puny creature!”
“Uh, Axer?” Mick cut in. “You do know we’re not actually going to…”
But Axer didn’t pay his words any heed; he just gave out an almighty roar. The other heads shrugged as best as one can with only a neck and head and joined in the roar. Peewee took that as the signal to start, which, luckily for the clever bird, it was, and the chase was on! The hydra moved at an impressive rate for a large, armless lizard with stumpy legs, but Peewee could also move quite fast for a little phoenix with stubby wings. All in all, it was a race of improbability.
Peewee flew at just the right pace to keep an even pace with the pursuing hydra, feeling the wind and adrenaline course through him and fight for dominance. Wow, being a rampaging hydra’s prey is so much fun! If it weren’t for that whole “prey getting eaten” thing, I bet more animals would do it more often! …Wait, where am I going?
“Uh, excuse me?” Peewee shouted in between hydra roars. “Is there a town called Ponyville anywhere near here?”
“If by ‘town’ you mean ‘collection of structures that aren’t trees and stuff’, then yes, it should be right over the next hill!” Draymond called back.
“Okay, thanks!” Peewee responded, turning just in time to look over the hill and see some familiar buildings peeking over like a game of peek-a-boo, if buildings were interested in playing games like that. Woohoo! I’m almost home! Finally! It’s been far too long since Spike and I hugged each other! I can’t wait to tell Spike all about the incredible adventure I’ve had! Maybe I could write a novel about it! I wonder what I would call it…once I learn how to write, of course. …Hey, where’d the sun go?
Peewee looked up in an attempt to locate the missing sun, only to be greeted by a gaping maw falling towards him. Apparently the hydra, being so focused on the young phoenix, had failed to spot a rock lying in the middle of the path at just the right spot to trip them up and cause Hardy’s head to fall in just the right path for his mouth to trap Peewee before he could get out of the way. Don’t you just hate when that happens?
And then everyone went “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
CHOMP!
“Ow…” The mighty hydra now lay on the ground like a turtle and/or tortoise on its back. “Are you guys alright?” Draymond asked.
“The only thing injured is my dignity,” Axer groaned.
“Not me,” Mick lamented. “I think my head landed on a pointy pebble or something, because my chin stings like crazy!”
“Ah, bah-hah!” The other heads turned and saw that Hardy’s jaw was now embedded in the ground, making him look like he was trying to take a huge bite of dirt that his jaw wasn’t able to take, which is the leading cause of hydra orthodontist appointments. “Dun tak ta mah abaht pan!”
“You kept facing the ground with your mouth open while you fell?!” Draymond asked in disbelief.
“Hay, dun judge mah!” Hardy snapped back with a wince.
“Hey, where’d that bird go?” Mick chimed in as he scraped his chin on the ground in an attempt to dislodge the pebble that was trapped there, unwittingly getting several more pebbles stuck there in the process. “Gyah!”
“I’m right here!” Peewee poked his head out from between Hardy’s outstretched jaws. “Lucky I was in just the right spot to avoid getting stabbed by any of those sharp teeth, huh?”
“Yeah, et a leedah earacle,” Hardy growled, his tongue lashing at the young phoenix, who yelped and then giggled with each hit like it was just a game of rolled-up-towel-whipping, something he and Spike liked to do after their shared baths. Being whipped by a towel many times his size numerous times had given him incredible resistance to whips softer than he was.
“Hey Peewee, care to help us out here?” Draymond requested. “If you could help get Hardy unstuck, then maybe we could get back up and avoid becoming roadkill.”
“Don’t you need to be on a road to become roadkill?” Peewee asked.
“Whatever!” Draymond snapped, his patience running as thin as hay outside of a haystack. “Just get to it!”
“Alright, alright!” Peewee cried out. “Geez, just because you’re stuck to the ground doesn’t mean you have to be such a grump about it!” He examined the dirt inside of Hardy’s mouth and started digging at the dirt around his teeth, only to get bored rather quickly and decide to speed things up by jabbing Hardy’s tongue with his beak, causing the hapless hydra head to scream in pain and rise out of the ground like a bullet attached to a tetherball pole.
“Whoa!” Axer exclaimed. “That bird’s got some real kick for such a little guy!”
“Come on, let’s try and get up now!” Draymond commanded. With that, the three heads not named Hardy pushed against the ground with enough force to get their body upright.
“Yes!” Axer roared cheerily (roaring was his go-to reaction to just about anything; he had even perfected over a dozen distinctive roars for just about any occasion). “I knew my recommended daily regiment of push-ups would save us someday!”
“Owowowow!” Mick yelped. “I think I’ve got a permanent pebble beard now! Hmm…I wonder what would accessorize well with that?”
“Will you shut up about your stupid stuff?!” Hardy shouted. “The stupid bird pecked my tongue! Look!” He stuck out his previously flawless tongue, revealing a pin-sized hole that Peewee had managed to make. “My perfect tongue, ruined!”
“Ruined?!” Axer retorted with another roar (roartorted?). “Are you nuts?! It’s freakin' badass! That piercing really adds to your intimidation factor! Just imagine how much fear it’ll strike into the hearts of your prey when they see it!”
“Oh yeah, because getting your tongue pecked out by a runt of a bird is the definition of badassery!” Hardy said with sarcasm thick enough to smother his fellow heads with metaphorical fog.
“Hey, speaking of which,” Draymond cut in with his patented metaphor-slicer voice, “where is Peewee now? He hasn’t said a word since…” Silence struck like a ninja in the night, except it was daytime. “Hardy,” he said slowly as he faced him with an “I-know-where-this-is-going” look, “please tell me you didn’t eat the bird that knew where to find the pony that could let us live separate lives.”
“Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t,” Hardy replied with slime dripping from his voice like a slug mixed with a dragon. “Maybe he burned a bit when going down my throat, but maybe he was tasty enough to make it worth it. Or maybe not.”
“You imbecile!” Mick got in Hardy’s face with a harsh glare, which was pretty impressive considering they were the farthest way from each other. “You ruined my chance to make a name for myself apart from being a scary beast!”
“Implying that’s a bad thing,” Axer grumbled.
“Hey, that bird poked a hole in my tongue!” Hardy shot back. “And it freaking hurt! The runt had it coming!”
“Yeah, but if he hadn’t done that, your jaw might still be trapped in the ground!” Mick pointed out. “How’s that for gratitude?!”
“Uh…eh…well…my tongue has a hole in it!” Hardy stammered. “That’s just unforgivable!”
“Guys, knock it off!” Draymond shouted, forcing his head between theirs. “What’s done is done, alright? Let’s just try and find this unicorn ourselves. I mean, how hard could it be?”
“Well, we’ll certainly get her attention, alright,” Axer said snarkily.
“You better cool it with the scary stuff, Axe,” Mick warned. “I want to live a non-scaring life, and you’re not gonna screw that up for me!”
“Don’t worry your prissy little head about me, Mick,” Axer replied. “I promise I’ll be a perfect gentleman to the little ponies. They’ll be sure to warm up to us then, right?”
----------
The setting sun shone through the bars of the cage as it was carted to the Equestrian Preserve for Overly Naughty Animals, a correctional facility for animals too dangerous to roam free that was founded after one too many animal rampages through Ponyville. In the large cage sat a hydra that had been placated by tranquilizing magic, making it calm enough to not rage against the bars, but still ornery enough to argue with itself all the while.
“You see?” Axer said smugly. “You see how it goes? This is life as a monster.”
“I don’t want to hear it anymore!” Mick snapped with a huff, one that sparkled due to the magic coursing through his veins.
“What? I’m just saying, even when I’m not trying, I can scare like nobody’s business,” Axer bragged, his neck puffed out from pride and the earlier injection. “That’s how awesome I am!”
Draymond responded with a groan and a light skull bash, as he was too weary for a full-strength one. “You know, maybe we still could have gotten on the ponies’ good side if Hardy hadn’t decided we should take a dump in front of that giant merry-go-round.”
“Hey, it’s not my fault I felt the need to go!” Hardy said defensively. “That little bird must have messed with our bowels more than I expected.”
“You know, that and all the mayhem that happened may not have been an issue if you hadn’t eaten the guide that could have arranged a peaceful encounter!” Draymond snapped back.
“Hey, at least we found the unicorn we were looking for!” Hardy replied. “At least I think it was a unicorn. Do unicorns normally have wings?
“Well, that other unicorn who lived in that merry-go-round sure didn’t,” Mick said, a shudder coursing through his side of the body as he recalled the white unicorn’s reaction to the pile of hydra dung beside her not-so-humble abode. “Now she was scary!”
“Please, you think butterflies are scary!” Axer taunted.
“Hey, have you ever seen one of those things close up?!” Mick protested. “Those things are demons with pretty wings!”
“Ugh!” Axer groaned as he hit his head against the bars. “Why can’t you just grow a pair, you pansy?!”
“Why can’t you grow a pair of…hearts…in your…heart…place…ah, forget it!” Mick lunged his head at Axer, leading to another fight between the gaggle of hydra heads that lasted until the early night, only ending when their necks got tangled together like the world’s largest shoelace knot.
“Grah, I hate when this happens!” Draymond griped.
“What a great first impression we’ll make where we’re going…” Axer sighed.
“Hey, I just thought of something!” Mick said brightly. “Do you think little statuettes of us with our necks tied up like this would catch on?”
“Shut up, Mick!” the other three heads chorused in a manner that would make a barbershop trio jealous.
And thus ends the hydra’s tale. Oh, things happened to them after that, but those are stories for another time. This story isn’t called Hydra’s Big Adventure, after all. No, our hero’s story has yet to truly end…
----------
In a garbage dump near Ponyville, a pile of hydra dung sat next to an old refrigerator and a pile of unanswered jury duty letters. Suddenly, from within the pile, some ashes emerged and swirled together to form a familiar shape: Peewee! He had managed to turn into ashes while in Hardy’s esophagus, and though it had taken him a while to figure out how to rebirth, he had managed to come out none the worse for wear. Well, except for being covered in hydra dung, but honestly, any adventurer that isn’t covered in hydra dung at some point hasn’t really had an adventure.
“WOOHOO!” Peewee cheered. “My first rebirth! Spike’s gonna be so proud when he hears about this!” With that, he flew off in the direction of the familiar-looking treetop building in the distance.
“…Wait a minute, I was just eaten by the creature I had helped, wasn’t I” Peewee realized. “What a jerk!”
End of Part 6