//------------------------------// // Chapter 23: Poison Joke and Ryan Gosling // Story: I Dreamt of Her // by ben717 //------------------------------// Before too long I was watching the Sun go down from the Study balcony. It was always a beautiful sight to see when the Moon came up from over the horizon. The sky would become a golden haze as the Sun fell and the Moon rose. After about a thousand years of practice these ladies had gotten very good at what they do. In tandem the Royal Sisters were a true as blue team. Rarity and Sweetie Belle sat next to me as we watched. A flare of silver light flew from the horizon. This signaled the rise of the Moon in its entirety. We could see it’s silver face slowly rising into its place in the sky. As of right now the sky was in that beautiful in between that you don’t get on Earth, the short minute long interval where it is both night and day at the same time. The stars were beginning to speckle themselves over the sky as they spilled from the Suns dying light. The Sun sank farther and farther into its place as we watched. The darkness had almost completely overtaken the sky. The Moon began to grow brighter as the Sun finally disappeared behind the horizon. The great ball of fire let out one more blast of orange light as it finally vanished. Celestia was now off duty. There came a stirring from my lap as Sweetie Belle curled up in my lap like a little kitty cat pony. She let out a loud yawn as sky finally settled into its nightly position. It was a warm night and the breeze from this morning was still blowing subtly. I looked down at Sweetie Belle who had her eyes closed and was now asleep in my lap. Her mane was being blown about by the warm spring breeze. I whisper to Rarity, “It seems like somepony was sleepy.” “She has had a long day Darling. She was so excited to see you.” Mother whispers back, “She was jumping up and down the whole train ride up here. I hadn’t the patience to calm her down because I was nervous myself. I was wondering how you would take the news.” “What news?” I ask “That we had known something about where you came from. Or at least one version.” She says. “Oh I’m not that mad. Anymore anyway. I’m more intrigued than upset. Another Earth. A different one. The possibilities would be almost endless! How many other worlds could there be?” I admit “There is a lot that nopony knows. One thing we do know is that Equestria holds many secrets. Perhaps some pony will figure it out one day. But right now, it’s time for certain ponies to get to sleep.” She says motioning her horn towards Sweetie Belle. Her horn flares up but I stop her. “No No. I can take her, where are you girls staying?” “Not too far but its a long walk anyway. Are you sure you want to carry her down the stairway?” “Of course.” I state standing up with Sweetie Belle cradled in my arms. “I feel like she's grown a bit since I first met her.” “Perhaps a bit.” Says Rarity opening the door to the Study quietly. “She’ll probably get her cutie mark soon.” I say, “Then before you know it she’ll start liking colts.” “Most likely.” Whispers Mother We sneak across the room and to the study entrance. Rarity opens it as quietly as possible. As we pass I give a silent nod to the night guards. They return the gesture and we continue on our way. Overhead I hear the fluttering of tiny wings and suddenly next to me is a familiar vampony. Rarity is somewhat surprised by the appearance of the once enemy, but Scarlett has my good word and good faith so there is no protesting. Scarlett says no words but observes the sleeping pony in my arms. “She’s cute.” Whispers my friend. “She’s my sister.” I say, “If she were awake I’m sure she’d love to get to know you.” At first the vampony says nothing. “Really?” Asks the vampony. “Yeah. She's one of the nicest little ponies I know. She gave me the benefit of the doubt when I first showed up. I imagine she would do the same for you.” I say. Scarlett smiles then shifts her gaze to Momma Rarity. “Greetings.” Rarity is a little intimidated but with some encouragement she says, “Hello. Lovely evening is it not?” “Quite actually. My…” Whispers Scarlett, “That is a rather pretty necklace you have there. Where did you find that beauty?” “Oh this? I whipped it up myself back at the ol’ workshop, as Applejack would say.” Chimes Rarity. As the two mares make conversation we find ourselves at the proper room. Rarity opens the door and we enter as Scarlett waits outside. “Well.. Here we are.” I whisper. “Yes. Just set her down on the bed anywhere. I simply must get out of these clothes. I may have messed up a stitch or two. This fabric has been driving me crazy all day.” “You? Mess up?” I quietly joke “It does happen from time to time, even with the most skilled of fashionistas.” “Ugh.. I still hate fashion. Sometimes you ponies are crazy.” I whisper. “Don’t say that, fashion ponies are respectable ponies, quite colorful in character. That’s all good and dandy but as I understand it, don’t you have a date tonight?” “A date? What are you talking about?” “Oh don’t give me that, I’ve seen the way you look at that mare.” “What mare are you-?” “Princess Luna!” Interjects Rarity, “During the meeting you would always glance in her direction and then you’d get this look in your eyes. And not to even mention the way your entire attitude shifted when Twilight mentioned she wanted to see you tonight.” “Oh..” I pause, “is it that obvious?” “Maybe not to some. But I know a crush when I see one.” Says Momma Rarity Sweetie Belle lets out a quiet yawn as our voices disturb her sleep. I lower my voice even lower. “I suppose I should be going then… Wouldn’t want to keep the lady waiting.” I say, now that I’m busted. I march towards the door but Rarity stops me before I exit. “Three things before you go. One… Don’t you dare hurt that mares feelings, she’s been subject to enough heartache for several lifetimes. Two… Don’t do anything stupid. I know you’re a male, and I know what you are capable of. Especially since that stunt with the Poison Joke. This mare has spent a millennia on the surface of a celestial body, and the time she had spent here was spent on cleaning up the mess that this land was in. She hasn't had time for males. At least from what I know of. If something happens, you will have the voice of an entire nation crashing down on you. Three… If this small date sprouts into something… bigger… Then you will be…” “Mother…” I start knowing what she’s getting at, “One step at a time. That’s not what it’s about. That’s not what I’m about.” “I know Sweetie… Just promise me you will be careful.” She whispers. “I promise. I won’t toy with her feelings, I would never do that. I’m not about that life. I may joke and kid, but it takes a truly evil person to run around with someones emotions.” I conclude. I make my exit and Scarlett is there to greet me. She has a surprised grin on her face. “What’s that look for?” I ask “I wasn’t aware you fancied the Princess.” She teases. “Did you hear all that?” I ask “I can hear about everything going on in this castle at night. Like for instance the pony down the hallway who is about to lose his balance and-.” I hear a crash come from the end of the hallway, far off. “Fall.” She finishes. “Do you think I’m weird?” I say “I don’t judge you. She’s a beautiful mare. It’s no mystery you came to her aid so quickly.” She prods me. “I came to their aid because it was the right thing to do.” I laugh a little, “Now come walk with me.” As we make our way through the darkened halls I trust Scarlett to lead me in the correct direction. I can see, the halls are lit, but only faintly. I’ve tripped on something more than once. “So you said you can hear everything at night?” I ask. “Not everything. It’s usually within a certain number of yards. But there are some things I wish I didn’t hear.” She admits “Like what?” I ask, not realizing what I had just walked into. “If you simply must know, I walked past the Royal Couples room a few nights back.” She states. “Oh…” I say having to hold back somewhat of a laugh. “Didn’t you break their door?” “He did. But I suppose in a roundabout way, yes, I am responsible for their door being broken.” She smiles. “So… What were they just… Goin’ at it without a door?” I ask sarcastically. “I think somepony came around to fix it.” “Oh… Well good for them I suppose.” I laugh. We arrive at the door of the throne room. My heart begins to quicken. “Calm down, it’s just a little chat.” Scarlett assures me. “Your heart rate nearly doubled. You really have taken a liking to her haven’t you?” “Good to know I have my own personal heart rate monitor.” I say nervously. “All right… Wish me luck.” “Good luck human.” Says Scarlett as she poofs into bat and flutters off. I take another look at the throne room door and am about to take hold of the doors. The great walls that are the doors fly open in my face and I am once again staring into probably the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen. I blink twice before I am able to speak, “Uh… Hi.” I whisper. “Hi…” The Princess whispers back. “I was beginning to think you hadn’t gotten the Purple ones message.” I laugh quietly, “The purple one? You mean, Twilight? Princess Twilight?” “That’s correct.” She giggles. “Sorry, it’s just I had to tuck my sister into bed.” “Sweetie Belle? She dreams soundly tonight. She is really happy to see you again.” Luna tells me. “That’s what they tell me… I was glad to see her also. I had really began to miss Ponyville.” I say “Tis a quaint little town.” she says. She turns back towards the corridors and gestures for me to follow her. “Come this way, I wish to show you something.” She says softly. She led me down the corridor. For some reason I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. Perhaps it was the way her mane flowed. Maybe it was the way she walked. Her shoes gave a slight click-clack sound as they tapped against the floor tiles. She was beautiful. She led me to the end of a corridor and up a flight of stairs. We soon found ourselves at a large door with a crescent moon carved across it. Even the carving gave off a luminescent glow. The Princess flared her horn and opened the doors. Inside was a medium sized room. It was painted a brilliant blue and housed a rather large bed in the center. To one end there was a fireplace burning brightly, giving light and warmth to the already welcoming chambers. As I gazed and marveled at the intricate designs on the walls, Luna led me in by tugging on my hand with a small amount of magic. “So this is what the Royal Chambers look like.” I say. “Indeed, Tia had the Royal painters suit it just to my liking, and I am ever so grateful.” She replies. “What is that?” I ask pointing to a painting on the wall that looks similar to a raven or an eagle. Around it is a storm cloud with lightning being spewed across the countryside. “That… Is a Thunderbird. They exist only in folklore and legends. Nopony has ever seen one, but stories of them have been present since before Tia and I were around.” “That is certainly interesting.” I say She leads me across the room to another door. Once opened, it reveals a large balcony that is much higher and much roomier than my own. Above it I can perfectly observe the Moon and its entirety as it hung in the night sky. As I stop and stare at the beautiful celestial object, Luna trots forward and tickles my face with her long tail. I close the door behind me and we are on the balcony, alone in the night. I rub my hand where she had flirtatiously brushed my face. Glancing back down I see her lying down near the low railing. She had kicked off her shoes and removed her tiara, revealing the plain blue mane that I had seen previously. She stretches her wings out as she settles into a position that is comfortable, then motions for me to join her. I lick my lips and proceed forward. She was beautiful, and intimidating. I could already tell I was way out of my league, but yet here we are. What was it then? My heart pounded in my chest the closer I came to her. She smiles, “Don’t look so nervous.” I sit down next to her with a smile, “Sorry.” We sit for a moment awkwardly as no one and no pony say anything. “So uhh… beautiful night you got goin’ on here.” I say popping the failsafe question. She laughs as I squeeze the question out, “Why thank you. I made sure tonight was special.” I pause for a moment. I cock my head slightly to the left, curious and cautious. “Special?” I ask. “Have anything… ‘special’ planned?” She smiles like she knows something I don’t. “Oh… something…” She says inching towards me. My heart jumps to my throat as she is now extremely close to my face. My breathing becomes unsteady, as does hers. She leans in slowly, closing those gorgeous eyes. Our lips make contact for a second time during this Canterlot trip. I close my eyes and let it happen. I breathe in her breaths and she breathes in mine. I can feel her wings begin to outstretch for whatever reason. After a few minutes of this the kiss begins to become more intense. She begins pushing up on me and I feel myself falling backwards. I am soon back to the ground and the Princess of the night is straddling me. She releases my lips and moves on to my neck. I feel her sucking on my skin and it hits me what was “special” about tonight. I move my hands up and down her back letting it happen. I begin returning the favor as her mane gets into my face. She flicks it aside and looks me in the eyes, her mouth hangs open just slightly and I can see her tongue just inside. I move in and continue kissing her. I feel magic unbuttoning my shirt… maybe any normal guy would let this happen, but something didn't feel right. I let her go and say, “Hold up. Hold up.” She opens her eyes and releases my shirt, “Something wrong?” I look into her eyes and almost forget what I was going to say. “No… wait… yeah.. yeah.” I start, “This is awesome don’t get me wrong… But something doesn’t feel… right.” She rises from me slowly… fixing her mane as she does. She then sits down next to me to listen. “I mean… all this. It feels very… rushed.” I say. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” She says quietly, “It’s just that… It’s been a… while… since I’ve felt anything like this.” I kind of laugh as I re-button my shirt, “Well it’s the first time I can say I’ve felt this way about a pony.” She looks down at the ground and smiles. “You know?” I laugh, “It kinda reminds me of the first time I ran into Poison Joke. Did anypony ever tell you about that?” She moves her head slightly, intrigued. “No, I don’t believe so.” She replies. “Oh its a dandy.” I say with a smile as I recall the events of that day. “What happened?” She asks. I clear my throat as I stand up to tell my tale. My amulet flares, ready to cast multiple projections to animate my story. “Normally I would start such a tale with, ‘Once upon a time’ but this isn't a fairy tale. So here’s how I’m gonna do it… AHEM!” Luna gets comfortable and looks at me with wonder. She really needs a bag of popcorn for such a tale. ——— “SO THERE I WAS!” I begin with a triumphant shout, “It was just your average late summer night. I had been here about six months. This was before I had really began to consider the ponies of Ponyville family. Sweetie Belle and her friends had gone to Zecora’s house for a bit of fun. Have you met Zecora?” Luna nods her head. “Nice mare. So there I was, busy working at the Sugarcube Corner and I was about to be done with my shift whenever it was almost time to close. Naturally Pinkie was bouncing off the walls. I tell you what though. Pinkie is hilarious to watch go to sleep because she’ll go from, ‘HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY. WANT SOME CANDY? CUPCAKE? A CUP OF SPRINKLES?’ to ‘BAM…’ Lights out instantly. Anyway, this time Pinkie had crashed from her sugar high on top of the cabinet. This was no ordinary cabinet either. It was like a seven foot tall cabinet, and someone had to get her down. Guess who that someone was? Who’s the tallest person there? That’s right me. So after a few minutes of stacking various objects around the Corner I manage to build a tower tall enough for me to reach her. Luckily she’s fairly light so I am able to grab her and hop down with no incident. I run and throw her in her bed and begin the closing up process. That’s about when Rarity comes in and says, ‘Excuse me darling, I have a favor to ask of you before you come home.’ I ask her, ‘Yeah? What’s up?’ ‘Well you see, some things have come up tonight and a very prestigious fashionista has asked me to make many several dresses to go in her fashion show.’ She tells me. ‘And when is she expecting them by?’ I ask ‘Oh not anytime too soon… tomorrow.’ She admits. ‘Yikes, so what do you need me to do?’ I ask. I was basically her slave considering she was letting me stay in her home and I respected them greatly so I didn’t complain.” I explain. 'Anyway… ' She says to me, ‘Sweetie Belle and her friends are out at Zecoras house and they need somepony to walk them home.’ Ok that seemed pretty fair. I mean how hard can it be? I hadn’t been to Zecoras at that point but I kind of knew the way. There’s one path back there so it was pretty difficult to get lost. The rest of the Forest tries to kill you. I told her, ‘Alright, I will go right after I close up here.’ So she thanks me and heads back to the Carousel Boutique. Then I continued to close up. I put away the chairs and moved the tables. Mr. Cake threw me the keys and I locked the front door. I walk around back and return my super manly pink apron. I would tell you more about that but that’s a story within itself.” ——— Luna laughs as the projection of myself in that super epic apron walked around and moved tables and did work. ——— “Shush you! Let me tell my story.” I laugh with her, “Anyway, I return my bedazzling apron and bid the Cakes goodbye. I turn towards the forest and begin my epic journey. As I neared the forest the sun went down and I stopped to watch the moonrise. It’s truly amazing to watch really. But once that’s done, I return to the task at hand and set foot on the path to Zecora’s. As I’m walking nothing is really out of the ordinary. No Manticores, no Cockatrice, no friggin’ Timberwolves.” I say looking at the scar down my arm. “As I walked in the dark I tripped over a stick I didn’t see and I went tumbling into this strange little flower patch that was a weird blue color. You know I roll around a bit and then get up and continue on my way. I was unaware that what I had just rolled in was Poison Joke. Anyway I’m gonna skip ahead a bit. I retrieve the girls, get them home, take Sweetie back to the Boutique. I chose to skip a shower tonight because I had taken one earlier that day. My mistake. I head to bed that night and I boot the cat off my bed and go to sleep. I didn’t sleep well that night. For whatever reason my dreams consisted of teen models and those guys that the tween girls on Earth drool over. I didn’t understand why Justin Bieber was in my dream having a duet with Si Robertson. It was awful…” ——— Luna interrupts me, “Now wait. I think I remember this one. Was that the one where the young female with circular hair sang an awful song with that camouflage-clad bearded man?” “Yeah!” I laugh, “I’m glad you were there for that one! So wait? Do you just stalk my dreams or something?” She blushes, “Your dreams are interesting. You don’t have the same dreams as a pony.” ——— “Well I wake up that morning and can tell that something is different. I felt… good. Well… Better than usual. My hair for whatever reason felt. Longer. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I felt… hot. I walked into the kitchen where Rarity was cooking breakfast for Sweetie and I, bless her soul. She turns and glances at me before returning to her work, then she stops. She turns a bit slower this time. She stops and stares at me. I look back at her for a little bit and turn my head in confusion, “…What?” I see blood rush to her cheeks as the mare, that I now call Mother, CHECKS ME OUT. I know that look on any woman's face, human or pony. I also notice something else! In my groggy morning state I am aware enough to know that my voice sounded slightly different. I speak again, “Uhh… Rarity? Holy voice!” I exclaim as I definitely notice the difference in my voice this time. “Y- Y- You should g- g- go look in a mirror, Darling.” She is barely able to squeeze out. I stand up and cautiously back out of the room as Rarity makes an effort to keep me in her line of sight. I quickly shuffle up the stairs and past Sweetie Belle who is busy rubbing her eyes. “Morning.” I say with my new… sexier voice. Sweetie looks up at me and says, “Woah.” I take a side step around her as I begin to get worried. I rush quickly to the bathroom where I quickly turn on the sink, bend down, and rinse my, now lengthy, hair out of my face. Before I look up at the mirror, I mentally prepare myself for whatever had became of my face. Taking a deep breath I close my eyes and straighten up. I didn’t know what to expect, but whatever it was, nothing could've prepared me for what I saw on my face. With a shout of triumph I cry, “I AM RYAN GOSLING!” With a smile on my face that could make angels cry I whip around to see Rarity and Sweetie Belle standing by the door. The two girls stand there and stare as I shout at the top of my lungs again, “I AM RYAN BUCKING GOSLING!” Rarity nearly swoons as I shift my awe inspiring gaze upon her. She regains her composure and begins to attempt speech. “How… What… Is.. Who?” Stammers Rarity “Rarity! I have no idea how this happened, but this is the greatest thing that has ever happened to any human being on the face of Equestria!” I exclaim “But… You're the only human-” she starts “It’s a figure of speech! Now I’ve got to get dressed! And eat food! And go to work! And look sexy! And-!” I can hardly contain my joy. “Ben- er uh… Ryan? Ben? Whoever you think you are, don’t uh… forget to uh… wow.” Rarity says staring at my perfect jawline. Meanwhile I’m in the corner doing a dance that would decimate the ovaries of even the most stubborn of mares. ‘Don’t uh… forget to go get Sweetie from school after… work.’ Rarity completes her thought. ‘Oh don’t you worry Miss Rarity. I most definitely will do that. Maybe even go for a stroll through the town. You know, for science.’ I wink at Rarity then walk out the door to get ready to start the day.” ——— I drop the projections for a moment to get Luna’s full reaction to the story so far. When I look at her, her cheeks are somewhat red and her jaw had dropped in disbelief. “Well?” I ask, “You look like you have something on your mind.” “Does this… Ryan Gosling… Really look like that?” She asks I laugh but then I serious the buck up. “Ha ha! You bet your royal panties he does. You don’t mess with Ryan Gosling.” I flare my magic and continue telling my story. ——— “Ahem! So there I was, at the Sugarcube Corner. I had opened up that morning, Mr. Cake was waiting for me that morning to come around back. When he saw me his jaw dropped. ‘Oh, uh Ben? Did you do something with your… hair… and face… and body in general?’ He asked in confusion. ‘Mr. Boss Pony…’ I said, ‘Truthfully, I don’t know what happened to me, but it’s possibly the greatest thing that’s happened to me in my entire life. Are we ready to open up?’ ‘Oh of course, Pinkie is in the kitchen waiting for you to get in there… And… between you and me… Be careful.’ He says, nodding to my very beautifully sculpted chest. I walked into the kitchen without Pinkie noticing me, by a miracle. I put on my gorgeous apron and pull it off flawlessly. Taking a deep breath I prepare to greet the little pink mare, wondering how she would react to the new me. I clear my throat, but Pinkie catches me off guard as she explodes from the cabinet next to me. “HEY! THAT IS NOT YOUR APRON!” She shouts. In confusion I look over to where Pinkie was standing and watch a cardboard cutout of the pink party horse fall over flat. “HEY WAIT A SECOND!” She shouts as she looks me over, “Ben?” I smile brightly in Pinkies direction, “Yes Pinkie?” The pony stops for a moment, I mean she stopped. Pinkamena Diane Pie, actually stopped. She stared at me for a total of three seconds… THREE SECONDS. Then I swear, her already hot pink coat became a darker shade of pink. “Uh… What was I saying?” She asks “How we should be opening the Corner for business?” I ask Pinkie then rebounds into her regular Pinkie self and goes, “Oh! What a great idea!” and she runs out of the room. I shake my head and head to the cash register ready to get the first orders of the morning taken care of. By the time noon rolled around, the Corner was packed. It was the most packed I had ever seen it. I’m not saying that a certain humans new look had anything to do with it, but I’m just saying it hasn't been this busy EVER. “Ok that order will be a total of 6 bits.” I say. “Oh… Ok- I uh, actually, no, WAIT, yes. Umm… can you add another cupcake to that order. Or no… I uh, I’m sorry. Here you are!” Shouts Lily as she practically throws the bits at me in a fluster. As the coins scatter all over the countertop, Lily blushes a deep red in embarrassment. “I’m so sorry I…” I cut her off with, “Hey girl..” I smile with my pearl white teeth, “Don’t you worry about it, I’ll have Pinkie throw in an extra cupcake just for you.” I throw in a wink and Lily faints. As the mare collapses to the ground I let out an, “Oops.” I lean over the counter to make sure she's ok. Seeing she is not in a conscious state, I move around the front of the counter and shift through the crowd of mostly mares until I get to unconscious Lily to a safe spot. I lean down next to the fallen mare and I hear somepony say, “Hey I think she might need mouth to mouth resuscitation!” Suddenly several mares fall down in the shop, pretending to faint similarly. I take Lily up in my arms and shift through the crowds and out the door. Before I go I grab Lily’s order and walk her out to the Bench outside. I lay her down on the bench and her eyes flutter open and make contact with mine. She puts a hoof on my cheek and whispers, “Don’t leave me…” I have to stifle my laughs, they weren't laughs because I was making fun of the mare, I wanted to laugh from the disbelief. This is actually happening. I look back down at her and kiss her on the forehead and that basically does its job. The mare swoons again and faints there on the bench where I can return to my work. I get back to the register and shout, “Alright! Which one of you fine looking ladies is up next?” As there is a roar from the crowd I realize just how difficult my job has become. Luckily Pinkie is Pinkie and is able to keep up with the orders, that energetic pony could handle just about anything. Eventually Twilight came trotting in to see what the hubbub was about. “Ben? Ben? BEN!” She shouted from amongst the ponies, “What in the hay has happened to your… your… beautiful… Sweet Celestia… err- face!” “I don’t know but the mares seem to dig it!” I shout back. Twilight works her way up to me and I give the register a break. The ponies that were in the shop now had already ordered at least three times so I really wasn't concerned about it. I wave Twilight into the back where we can be relatively alone. She is busy staring at my new features, “Wow… So… Do you mind telling me why your face is so… so… gorgeou-” “Different?” I suggest Twilight blushes a bit, “Uh yes, different.” “Well I don’t know. I just woke up like this really. Do I mind? Not at the moment, no.” I say “No magic? You didn’t spill a potion on yourself?” She asks, now completely focused on the question as to why my face was different. “No, none that I can think of. I didn’t do anything last night. I mean ask Pinkie over there… I left here and went home.” Twilight turns to the Pink pony who is dashing from oven to oven to complete orders, “Is this true?” Pinkie shouts, “CAN’T TALK NOW! MAKING CUPCAKES! QUICKLY! ADD THE SUGAR GUMMY!” Twilight turns back to me, “Are you sure you went straight home?” “NO GUMMY! THAT’S SALT!” Shouts Pinkie I reply to Twilight, “Yeah… I’m sure… Well, actually. No.” I say as I recall the events of the night before. “Well?” Asks Twilight. “Rarity asked me to go get the Crusaders from Zecoras house, but that only took a few minutes, I was in and out of the Everfree in a jiffy.” “So you were in the Everfree?” Asks Twilight, pulling out her ever-present notepad. “Well yeah. Why? What’s that have to do with any-?” I ask “Did you find yourself knee deep in say… some blue flowers?” She asks “No I feel like I would remember something like- wait why?” I ask “Just answer the question. Did you trip and fall? Tumble through some weeds perhaps?” She asks. “Yes actually… But how did you know tha-?” I start “Poison Joke.” “Poison what now?” I ask “Poison Joke,” She says, “Beware to you, two legged folk, the leaves of blue are not a joke!” Chimes Twilight. “What in Celestia’s great name are you talking about?” I ask She looks at me with intrigue, “I think… you may have came into contact with the poison plant.” “Is it dangerous?” “No, not generally. It’s a practical joke plant. Hence the name ‘Poison Joke’. I plays jokes on its victims. Whatever it finds funny, is whatever happens.” “Well… Pardon me, but what is so funny about me becoming this?” I ask, gesturing to my new gorgeous bod. “Hmm… I certainly don’t see problem with it.” Twilight admits, “But I’d rather not find out. Just to be safe, I should schedule a spa visit for you.” “Do I have to?” I ask as nicely as I can. Twilight responds with a “Yes. You absolutely must go, we cannot have mares fainting in public like this. Things will never get done around here.” “Oh ok.” I say, “Party pooper.” “I’ll try to get you scheduled in around four. You’d better be there, or I will find you.” Warns Twilight. She stands up and trots out of the Sugarcube corner. I watch her go and she glances back to see me staring at her. She blushes a bit and shuffles out the rest of the way. “Yeah that’s what I thought Miss Smarty Pony.” I laugh. Maybe she was right. Normally I consider myself moderately attractive, but when you give me looks like Ryan Gosling’s, you’ve basically given me nuclear launch codes. I was using my new powers and almost abusing them. With a great body comes great responsibility. I look at the clock and realize it’s about time to get Sweetie Belle “Hey Pinkie! I gotta go get Sweetie Belle!” I shout, “You about done here?” Pinkie is panting, sweaty, and covered in flour. Gummy didn’t fair much better, but from the looks of it they had finished the orders. “You… *pant* had better… *pant* be there… *pant* at 4…” She whispers. “Okie dokie loki..” I say as I run out the door towards the schoolhouse. As I dance out the door to the Corner, I had no idea that I would soon gather an entourage. Mares began to notice the hunk of white lightning walking towards the school building. They mostly kept quiet, keeping their distance but making the heart in the eyeball look that these multicolored horses seem to get when they see something they want. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciated all the attention but it was starting to get a little out of hand. I felt like the paparazzi was after me. I would turn to confront them but then they would melt when I made eye contact. The moment I turned back around they continued following. Even through all of this, I eventually made it to the schoolhouse. With my entourage following from a distance I knew that they wouldn't follow me into the school house. I knock on the door, realizing that they are still in class but nearly finished. Something told me that I needed to get away from all these mares or something crazy was gonna happen. I wasn't too concerned about the Cheerilee chasing me down. I mean there were children present and if I had to choose between Cheerilee and the mares that were getting edgy outside, well it sure as heck wouldn't be the latter. Cheerilee answered the door. She only wore a look of confusion on her face as to why her class had been interrupted so abruptly. I glance in and notice some of the students had dozed off and were now perked awake to see who was at the door. I speak first. “Uhh… Hi. I’m here for Sweetie Belle?” I say glancing over my shoulder, wary of the mares that are circling. I see a winged shadow loom over the schoolhouse. I look up and notice that some pegasi women had began to flock. I look at Cheerilee with a bit of urgency in my eyes. “May I come in? Please?” I almost beg. Cheerilee glances at all the mares that are slowly approaching. Then smiles politely. “Of course! We aren’t quite done but you are perfectly welcome to join us for a few more minutes.” She says, stepping to the side to granting me entrance to the schoolhouse of ponies. The students look at me with wide eyes as the gorgeous faced, two legged creature enters the schoolhouse. One particular student lost her bubblegum her mouth dropped so much. Cheerilee speaks to the class, “Students I would like you to meet our very… um… handsome guest. His name is…?” I answer her, “Ryan- err no. It’s Ben. My name is Ben.” “Ben. He will be sitting in for the remainder of the class so just sit down. Keep your learning caps on and let us finish the lesson!” She says with a bright smile. Thank the Lord, I think to myself as I move to the back corner and take a seat near the window. I glance outside and see that the mares haven’t given up their plight. They are currently surrounding the schoolhouse. Sweat begins to form on my brow as I begin to worry for my safety and what I may or may not have just gotten the children involved in. Cheerilee teaches on and on. The situation outside gets worse and worse. I can count at least twenty mares eagerly waiting for school to be done so they can get their hooves on Equestria’s sexiest human. I’m a’ startin’ to get quite scured’. Finally, the school bell rings and my heart skips. Not in a good way. I glance outside and see the mares perk up to attention. “Class dismissed!” Sings Cheerilee Sweetie Belle, Applebloom, and Scootaloo run up to me and I greet them all with a hug. “Hey girls!” I smile. “Hiya!” “Howdy!” “Hello!” say Scootaloo, Applebloom, and Sweetie respectively. “Where did ya get tha new face?” Asks Applebloom “Couldn’t tell you. How was school today?” I ask “It was good!” They shout in unison. “Thats good!” I say glancing out the window, I see some of the students shifting their way through the mares. Unfortunately, none of the mares are mothers waiting for their young. I distract myself a bit more, “What did you girls learn?” “We learned a bit about a’ readin’, writin’, and some arith- aritma-…” Starts Applebloom “Arithmetic.” I finish I can’t even think clearly, I’m legitimately scared of what might await me outside. I was beginning to see the “Joke” part of Poison Joke. “Yup!” They all shout in unison. I look outside again and see a mares eyes pressed up against the windows and I nearly let out a shout of surprise. “Tell you what!” I say, “Sweetie Belle, hows about you go home with Applebloom for a bit, I got some business to take care of.” “Ok!” She shouts and throws a hoof around Applebloom. The trio rush towards the door. Leaving me and the teacher in the room alone. The horde of ponies waiting patiently outside. I make my way towards the center of the room. Trying to put as much distance between me and the jaws of sure death outside. “Cheerilee. You gotta hide me.” I say, sweat dripping down my brow, “It seems that I may have gotten in over my head.” Cheerilee looks around the schoolhouse and notices the ponies outside that are clearly not here to pick up students. She puts her hoof against her chin and says, “Ok heres the plan. We need to close up the curtains.” ‘Got it.’ I say as I move from curtain to curtain, pulling them closed and cutting off eye contact from outside. I turn back to Cheerilee and ask, ‘Ok what's next?’ She looks around again, ‘Ok! See those lamps?’ She gestures to the burning lamps up on the ceiling. ‘Yeah?’ ‘Turn them down to their lowest setting. Not off, but the last notch.’ She commands.” ——— Luna raises her hoof. I smile and stop narrating my story for a moment, “Yes! You in the front!” I say pointing to Luna. “It seems like it’s less like she's trying to hide you and more like she's setting the room up for-” “Now don’t get ahead of me!” I say ——— “I move over there and reach up to the ceiling to turn down the lights. I return to the ground and look around the room. I notice something that really should’ve hit me earlier. The lights were awfully dim. The windows were closed and nopony could see inside. The lights were dimmed. I feel a chill run down my spine as I hear the lock to the front door of the schoolhouse click shut. Very slowly, I turn back towards the teachers desk. There I see Cheerilee sitting on top of her desk, Lyra style, cross legged/hoofed. Giving me… The Look. Very cautiously and very slowly, I move towards the desk. “Uh… Mrs. Cheerilee?” I ask “Actually it’s Miss Cheerilee.” She says fluttering her eyes. I gulp quite audibly as it hits me, “M- Mi- Miss… Cheerilee?” She giggles seductively, “You simply must get your titles right. Now… Come here. Sit next to Miss Cheerilee.” She says, patting a hoof on the space next to her on the desk. I move a little closer but my better judgement stops me, “Um.. No offense… but I really don’t want to.” “Oh come now,” she coos, patting the desk beside her, “I just want to tell you something.” I take a seat next to her, I eyed her suspiciously as she messes with her mane while leaning my way. She looks down at my chest, to my lower half, back to my chest, to my face. “The girls tell me soooooo much about you.” She says, laying out across the cleared desk behind me. My eyes are forward as the situation gets worse and worse. She moves about on the desk. Like a viper she slithers her way to my left side where she rests her head on my shoulder. “Y-y- yeah?” I whisper, “What did they tell you..?” “Well they certainly didn’t tell me how… handsome… you were.” She whispers. Then a horrifying thought crosses my mind, she was a schoolteacher. It’s probably been quite a good bit since she's been with a stallion. She spends all her time cooped up in here. And then along comes Ryan Gosling, knocking at her door, begging for her help. She’s long overdue for some… entertainment. She notes my lack of words and whispers in my ear again, “I assure you… My desk here is quite… sturdy.” In a swift motion she pounces to my lap and shoves me down on the desk. She has a crazed look in her eye. “WOAH WOAH WOAH! Cheerilee, calm down! Miss Cheerilee! Cheerilee!” I plead She straddles me and now has a student paddle in her hoof. You know… the kind they use to… spank unruly students. “It seems like somepony has been quite… naughty.” “AAHHHHH!” I shout as I throw her off me and jump across the room in a quick swoop. Cheerilee has a seductive smile and lusting look in her eyes. “Do you want a detention?” She asks teasingly, moving towards me with that God-awful paddle. I pick up several pencils from the desk next to me. “Cheerilee! Cheerilee please! Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease. You aren't thinking straight!” I shout She shoves a desk out of the way as she works towards me. “Think of the children! Think of the children! Think of the children!” I shout She ignores me and continues to advance, tongue dangling out. Thirsty for somma dat Gosling. “THINK OF THE CHILDREN!” I shout as I set up a few desks as a barricade between me and the wild she-pony. I begin chucking pencils. I shout, “BACK! BACK HEATHEN! BACK TO THE FEDERALLY FUNDED HOLE FROM WHENCE YOU CAME!” One gets her in the temple, others miss, another gets her in the snout. “Ow! Now you wouldn't hurt your teacher would you?” She asks, making the pouty face. Now she is almost on me. I back up against the walls and feel my back against something. I look up and see The Light. Behind me is the very escape route I had searched for. Above me… The ladder to the school bell. I grab hold and quickly shimmy up. “Don’t leave me now! We just started the lesson!” Calls Cheerilee I continue my climb and open up the door to the roof. Outside the situation isn't much better. Pegasi are flying around the school and the ponies are running around on the ground in an effort to get closer to me. As I reveal myself I hear a collective fangirl roar from the crowd of ponies. A few pegasi try to swoop down and grab me. “NO! BAD PONY! BAD!” I shout as I throw more pencils. The barrage of pencils is enough to deter the pegasi for a little longer. I run to the edge of the roof. The situation seems hopeless. I look down. I see nothing but a sea of women. I mean… this is what I’ve always wanted right? The girls to be clamoring for me? Well boys be careful what you wish for. Behind me I hear the latch of the roof door open and Cheerilee has a determined look on her face. I see her trotting towards me quickly, that freaking paddle in her mouth. Her eyes scream one thing. “Angry Sex” I back up to the edge of the roof where the crowd of mares waits to catch me. I soon realize that I’m going to have to make a choice. The crazy, love-struck, sex-deprived, Ryan-Goslinged school pony? Or the crowd of mares below? I look back up to Cheerilee, say a silent prayer, turn towards the crowd, and jump. I shout, “YOLOOOOOOO” As it seemed like no other words were quite as appropriate for a situation such as this. I close my eyes and get ready for the Wrath of the Females. I give in. Suddenly I hear a “WHOOOOOOOOOSH” and I am ripped from the air by a blur of rainbows. “WWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!” I shout as Rainbow Dash lifts me from danger at a speed of about 527 miles per hour. “Hold on hot stuff!” She shouts as buildings rush past us in a blur. I do nothing but scream like a little girl as this tiny pegasus is somehow able to support my body weight and fly at these breakneck speeds. “Quit squirming! I’m trying to save your sorry flank!” She shouts down. My eyes are watering but in the distance, quickly approaching, I see the Spa where Twilight was waiting for me. At this point I was begging for the solution to my sexiness. We come closer to the spa. We are literally in the home stretch whenever the unthinkable happens.” ——— I stop the narration for a second. “Ok so theres this certain mailmare in Ponyville. She is wonderful and I love her, but she is almost always in the wrong place at the wrong time.” I explain to the Princess. ——— “So this cute little bubble butted pegasus pony is busy delivering a package… Well… she just happened to be crossing our path as we were literally 100 yards out of the spa. All three of us collide and we find ourselves in a crazy tumble on the ground as we quickly lose speed. By some miracle we managed to land in a giant pile of hay that was nearby so none of us were hurt. But as we went. I stood up and dusted all the hay off of me then went to check on Derpy. She was fine but her package was a little dinged up. Rainbow was a little dizzy but she was ok. I looked out on the horizon and I saw a stampede of ponies charging towards the Spa. I shout, “Sorry Derpy! I owe you a muffin! But I gotta go! Rainbow! Snap out of it! We gots to GO!” Without words Rainbow jumps up from her dizziness and we run as fast as we can into the Spa doors. The doors fly open and we rush in there, the wind flowing from behind me and Rainbow, making us look like bad-flanks as we walk in slow motion towards the final destination. Rainbow quickly leads the way to the back where Twilight is waiting for me next to a giant tub full of some sort of liquid. Twilight shouts at me, “Where have you been?” “Where have I been? I was nearly raped today! How does this thing work again?” “Just get in the tub and it should just disappear.” “Just get in the tub?” I ask “Yes.” I move towards the tub and I’m ready to just jump in. I make a motion to get in and Twilight shouts, “WAIT!” “What?” I ask “I think you should take your shirt off. It would be a shame to ruin a shirt that nice.” She says trying to hide her blush. I look up at the wall, nothing in particular. I make that face like, “Really?” “Please?” Asks Twilight I wasn't going to look like this again so I thought… “Oh what the hay.” I say, removing my shirt. All the lady ponies in the room blush. Even Rainbow Dash who is busy trying to make it look like she's interested in the plant in the corner of the room has trouble looking away from the Holy Grail of All Abdominal Muscles. “Get a good look Twi, it’ll be a while before I get anywhere like this. At least for a while.” Without another word I turn towards the tub. Leap into the air, do a cannonball, and say. “Sayonara Ryan Gosling!” ——— As my Amulet dims to a faint glow, my projections disappear and the world returns to normal. I take a deep breath and sit down as I had been standing the entire time giving the story. “Well. That's the story.” I say Luna smiles, “I thoroughly enjoyed that story.” I smile back, “I’m glad. It wasn't quite as fun from my perspective.” She laughs, and I start laughing. For about a minute we are rolling around on that balcony laughing. Once the laughing subsides, I let out a loud yawn. “Ahhhhh.. Man… I should probably be headed back to the study… Gotta get me some shuteye…” I yawn again… My eyelids begin to feel very heavy. I stand up to begin walking but then a new wave of exhaustion hits me. I pause. I sit back down and look over to Luna. Her horn is twinkling ever so slightly. I look down at the ground. “Actually…” I say, “I think I’m just gonna… Crash right here…” I lay my head down on the balcony floor. I look up at the stars and I focus on the moon. The night breeze runs through my hair and I close my eyes. The last thing I remember is looking into the Princesses deep blue eyes. Then I fall asleep… Hard.