//------------------------------// // 03 - The Word 'Evil' Is In My Last Name. (Redux Edition) // Story: But I AM Evil! // by TheNextGamer //------------------------------// "... Got any sevens?" "Go fish." A yellow mechanical hand drew a card from the deck. Inside the castle, another prison cage was occupied by alien robots. A red one, a yellow one, and a blue one. The latter impatiently walked around the cell, trying to look for any way out. "Got threes?" "Nope. Go fish." While the former two passed the time, playing a card game. "Hm... You got queens?" "Nope. Go-" "AUGH! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" The blue robot yelled in frustration. "Am I the only one trying to find a way to escape?!" The yellow one, while taking a card from the deck, calmly asked, "What's got you so short-circuited?" "Don't you realize the situation we're in? We are in an ALIEN PRISON, on an ALIEN PLANET! We have to find a way to get out of here!" "Relax, man. Our leader's gonna find us, eventually." The red one assured, then focused back on the game. "Sixes?" "How are you so sure he's even still alive?! For all we know, he might be dead! He could have been killed by those horse things, or he might be in ANOTHER WORLD ENTIRELY! We are going to rust to death here if we don't escape!" "Ha! Him? Dead? Dude, if you were built a little earlier, you would have personally witnessed what that crazy guy can survive." The yellow one said. "Yeah man. Calm down. He hasn't ever let us down before. I'm pretty sure he'll find us and rescue us. He always does." Said the red one. "And if you're wrong?" The blue one grunted. "Then I'll personally write you an apology letter. It will say 'Dear Killjoy, Blow me.'" As both the red and yellow resumed their match, the blue one groaned, his palm clanging his head. "Ugh... I'm in a room with defective toasters." He glanced at the door of the room for a moment before scoffing. "Like I'm gonna believe, the ridiculous minuscule possibility that somehow, Connery is just gonna randomly bust through that door and resc-" I randomly busted through the door, "WAZZAP MOTHAFUCKAAAAS!" "OH SWEET JESUS!" My medical-bot yelped at my sudden appearance. "Hey minion-bots! I see that you also had the guest treatment from her royal majesty." I said to them, examining their cage. Hm... It seemed that the medical-bot was having some sort of speech error. He appeared to be stuttering non-coherently at my presence. "See? Told you." I heard my guard-bot say to him as I used my escape kit to unlock the cell door. As they all walked out, my medical-bot asked me in a surprised manner, "B-but how did you find us?" "Well, I had this plot device that went ping alot, then I decided to walk in a random direction before having the urge to kick down doors for no apparent reason." I answered. "... What?" "Yeah, I don't know what spews out of my mouth either." I abruptly turned and shouted, "COME MINION-BOTS! We must leave this palace and find more of you!" I ordered them, marching out the room. My construction-bot asked me, "Where did you get the ice cream?" "Ice cream parlor." I replied simply. "Yeah, that makes sense. What kind of castle would this be if it didn't have an Ice Cream Parlor?" As we walked, the medical-bot just stared incredulously at what just transpired. He eventually shook his head and groaned, "I don't get paid enough for this shit..." before jogging up with us. "Are you getting a signal yet?" I asked, eating my tasty Rocky Road. "Uh... No, not yet. I feel one nearby, it's just that I can't seem to get a connection with it." My construction-bot said with his head sticking out the big broken stained glass window. Let me tell ya, that window must have been made with the hair pieces of Chuck Norris, blessed with the tears of angels and baptized by the spit of a priest, because THAT WAS ONE HARD FUCKING WINDOW TO BREAK. I tried punching it, I tried kicking it, I tried throwing a chair at it. I tried throwing A TABLE at it! I even tried shooting at it with my gun. Didn't even make a damn scratch. ... What do you mean, "Then how did you break it then?" I didn't. We had to break the window next to it. Duh. After breaking the window, one of my minion-bots started trying to detect any distress signals sent by any other minion-bots in the area. "Wait, I got a signal! It's a strong one... I'm... detecting it somewhere a couple miles away... There! South-west from here, in that suburban village!" He pointed towards a village far away and below us. "There must be five- no, ten? No... seventy-three of us detected there?! No wonder this signal was stronger than the others!" "Then that's our next location! We get out of this castle, find or build a mode of transportation, gather up all the minion-bots, and we'll improvise from there!" I gave a thumbs up at my minion-bots and confirmed the plan. "Not if I have anything to-" "HOLY PINEAPPLE NUGGETS!" Startled from the voice behind me, I instinctively turn around and threw whatever I had in my hand at the time. Standing there with an ice cream cone perfectly fitting her horn (double bonus points), and drooping wet with Rocky Road on her face, was Princess Celestia. Next to her were some of her guards, gaping at the scene with shock. I sighed in relief. "Oh god, you scared me for a moment there. Didn't you ever learn not to sneak up on a person?" I scolded her, as if she were a child. She couldn't reply, as she was still processing the fact that I had just thrown my ice cream at her face. Knocking out of her stupor, she finally asked, "Where did you even get the ice cream from?!" "The Ice Cream Parlor in the castle." I answered nonchalantly. She fell silent, her eyes covered in confectionery cream, staring at me as if I had just told her I was a child born from a test-tube and a rubber band. Knocking out of her stupor again, she yelled, "B-b-what?! An Ice Cream Parlor in the castle?! We don't have any Ice Cream Parlors in this castle!" There was a subtle crack in her voice. "Huh... Then where the fuck did I get the ice cream from?" I muttered to myself. At that point, Celestia started getting steamed by anger... and I meant that in a literal sense, because I don't think ice cream can melt that fast. There was also steam coming from her head, which was the second hint. She was really trying her best to stay composed through all this... and failing. "That doesn't matter! Give up, or else I shall sentence your punishment to be more severe!" She growled, I repeat, GROWLED at me. I swear to god, most of her guards were shaking in fear by now. "Wait, punishment? What am I being punished for? I didn't even do anything bad yet! If anything, you guys should be punished, because you all locked me up for no apparent reason other than the fact that I'm different than a horse, and that I just happened to drop in your castle without warning!" I pointed out, with my finger dramatically pointed at her. "Perhaps, but how would I know that you aren't lying? You do absolutely nothing to alleviate my suspicions, you ignored and toyed with me rather than answering honestly to all the questions I asked of you, you break out of your prison rather than try to prove your innocence, and you have what seems to look like a robot army appearing all over Equestria, which is causing panic to the ponies throughout the land!" She walked closer as she went on her rant. "Not only that, but that ridiculous name you gave me isn't fooling anyone!" "Uh... Wait, what about my name?" "You're 'name,' NotEvilGuy. The name itself is just a big hint about your true intentions about why you came to this land! I'd say that it's safe to assume that you are, indeed, evil! Another safe assumption is that you've come here to take over Equestria with your mechanical army!" Aw, she already found out that I was evil? This was going to make escaping a lot harder. Oh well. I sighed and admitted, "Okay, yeah. You caught me, I'm an evil emperor from another universe... and yes, the thought about taking over this entire world has crossed my mind a few times." Behind me, the blue robot slapped himself in the face and uttered, "Dumbass." "But I'm still confused. How did you figure out that I was evil from just my name?" "Did you honestly think that we equines were just a bunch of naive children? You have sorely underestimated us if you thought we were dumb enough to be so easily fooled by a name as obvious as that!" Jeez, she had a bit of a hostile tone. "I never said that I thought you were all dumb, I was just asking! Sheesh..." I paused and thought about it for a moment. "Although, in hindsight, my name is pretty obvious. It's because of the word 'Evil' in my name, isn't it?" "Yes, it was- ... What?" Not catching her confused tone, I continued, "Yeah, I see what you mean. Most people will assume I'm evil, because the word itself is in my name." I nodded in agreement. "I should probably change my name so that it'd be less suspicious. Maybe I should go with... Connery NotGoodGuy, or maybe, Connery NotNiceGuy. W-what do you think minion-bots?" I turned around to ask. "That sounds stupid." "Lame." "BOO! REFUND!" "Yeah, nevermind, I'll just stick with what I have now..." I looked back at Celestia, only to notice that... something was wrong with her. Was it normal for horse eyes to twitch like that? ... Uh... foam was started to come out of her mouth. Was this a horse PMS thing? One of the guards cautiously walked up to her, "Erm... Your majesty? Are you feeling alri-" "Guards." She interrupted, nearly scaring the poor guy. "I need you to send a few carriages to Ponyville and bring the bearers of the Elements of Harmony to Canterlot. I'll let them know you're coming." She commanded them in an unusually kind-yet-creepy tone. The guard glanced at me and asked, "What about the creature, your highness?" "Leave him to me. I'll handle this situation." She smiled, while- STARING INTO MY SOUL, HOLY SHIT, THOSE EYES DID NOT MATCH THAT HAPPY FACE AT ALL. As she slowly walked towards me, I could feel my butt trying to crap itself. Luckily, the ice cream hadn't digested yet. "AH, STAND BACK! DARK EVIL MAGIC POWERS ACTIVATE!" I screamed, making random martial art stances in hopes of scaring her off. Didn't faze her one bit. "T-That... that was never gonna work the second time, was it?" "Nope." She replied in an unfittingly-cheerful voice. Ha, yeah no, I don't wanna die yet. "MINION-BOTS! RETREAT!" My minion-bots and I turned around to escape through the window, but then I felt something holding my legs in place, causing me to fall on my face. I looked back at my feet to see them covered in some kind of yellow glow, and noticed that Celestia had a similar glow on her horn. I faced ahead to see that my minion-bots hesitate to leave after seeing me subdued. So I yelled at them, "GO ON WITHOUT ME!" ... "Sure thing boss!" Jump. "Sir, yes, sir!" Jump. "I'll never forget your villainous sacrifice, my lord!" Jump. ... "Those jerks actually left without me! YOU FUCKING CUNTS!" I shook my fist at the cowards. I then felt my legs being pulled up, then in-front of me suddenly was an upside-down Celestia. I gave a nervous chuckle. "Heheh. Hello. You have a beautiful mane there! All glowy, and... billowy. Did you style it yourself?" Celestia said nothing. I gulped. Haha... Oh, I am so fucked. In the so very distant future... "Oh, come on. Was I really that scary back then?" Celestia asked me. "Yes." I bluntly answered, closing my Evil Diary of Memorable Memories to Remember. "Come on, you have to be exaggerating just a bit. Everypony knows that I'm not that scary, right?" Everyone in the circle looked away slightly, not making direct eye contact while murmuring unconvincing agreements. Even Twilight gave a sheepish shrug in response. "You guys are jerks." She pouted. When she looked at me, I had a mirror in front of my face, facing her direction. "Connery, put the mirror down." she deadpanned. "Just making sure!" I joked. Everyone had a good chuckle at that. NEXT TIME, IN EPISODE 1: WE RESUME OUR ADVENTURES WITH OUR FAVORITE EVIL VILLAIN. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY IS USED AGAINST HIM? WILL HE ESCAPE IN TIME? WHAT IS THE GOD DAMN SETTING FOR THIS STORY?! SERIOUSLY, WAS THIS TOLD IN THE FUTURE, THE PRESENT, OR SOMETHING?! WHAT WAS THE POINT IN THAT ENDING?! YOU'LL FIND OUT NEXT TIME... ON But I AM Evil!