Applejack was standing over the table, eyes darting past all the names and addresses inscribed on a long scroll. There were countless numbers of them, making the earth pony a little nervous.
AJ’s brother, Big Mac10tosh, stood over her. His name was really Big Macintosh, but considering his skill with the Mac-10, it was only a matter of time before the nickname came about. He was eyeing the same piece of paper with a look of indifference.
“Damn, I gotta put in work today, G. Just feast em’ on this thang, man. Thirty-two names, can you even know this shit?” Applejack asked, slapping the scroll.
The city’s mob boss, Celestia, often hired ponies from the hood to do some honest work for her. Among these were “convincing” store owners to do business with Celestia, “reminding” ponies to pay their dues to her, and doing “size reductions” on rival gangs. The list she had on her table was a long one, full of ponies who needed a visit from AJ.
“Goddam, homes, why do I always gotta get stuck with Celestia’s hit list? This is gon’ take me till the Gods and the Earths come down, mah nigga.”
“Eeyup,” her brother said simply. “Need me to help you out?”
Applejack said no, mentioning that Big Mac10tosh got shot in the foreleg recently.
“Let me do the bangin’, brotha.”
“But dat’s a lot of fuckin’-up to do, especially for just one pony.”
“One pony, yeah. One hood-ass straight up G, no,” AJ proudly replied.
“Yo’ gonna getchyaself hurt.”
“Whateva, nigga. Act like I never got bruised befo’. Just let me worry ‘bout the bangin’. You stay yo’ crippled ass inside and feel bad for me.” Applejack laughed and began walking out of the tenement with her list. Before walking out of the door, AJ made something clear. “And stay outta my weed, nigga. Feel me?”
Macintosh nodded and Applejack closed the door behind her. Big Mac immediately pulled one of AJ’s blunts from the couch cushion and placed it between his lips.
“What homie don’t know ‘bout won’t hurt her,” he said with a chuckle as he lit the blunt. “Just blame it on the leg pain.”
Applejack snuck through the bushes outside of a bungalow, waiting to see any sign of a pony inside. This was the first house she was visiting, with a pony by the name of Eight Ball. Applejack snuck around into the small back yard to see the bar-pony sitting on his couch, watching TV. Celestia wanted AJ to remind him why he uses her services.
Reaching into her saddlebag, Applejack pulled out a double-barrel shotgun. Shooting the TV through the window would get the point across. Careful not to make noise, she raised the barrel up to the window and prepared to fire.
Before the trigger could be pulled, though, she heard a commotion nearby, followed by repetitive gunshots. Distracted, Applejack misfired and simply shattered the window, sending shards of glass into her face and making the earth pony fall onto her back.
The glass stung like a bitch, but she didn’t have time to stick around. Applejack made a mad dash for the source of gunfire. She only had to run a few blocks to see what was going on.
Outside her favorite ice cream shop, three ponies were gunning it up from a carriage. Her homie Two-Scoops ran the place, and she felt it was her duty to help a brotha out.
Coming up on their left, AJ reloaded her double-barrel and walked up close enough to get a shot on one of them. Once the other two had realized what was happening, a second flurry of buckshot tore the next gun-pony a few new assholes. The third one tried fleeing on hoof, but AJ wasn’t no punk-ass bitch. Pulling out her 9-millimeter, she popped a few caps in a nearby street sign, making it fall on the pony’s head. Then a carriage ran him over. It was pretty dope.
Other ponies who had seen the spectacle were now cheering for their hero, but were still kind of confused as to why she didn’t just shoot the third gun-pony.
Applejack blew away the smoke coming off her 9-mil and stashed it back in her hoodie. Giving the crowd of cheering onlookers a simple nod, she trotted away, ready to pay a local “gardener” a special sort of visit.
Lucky Strike lived in a borough of Ponyville called Bucklyn. Pretty hard streets, even by Applejack’s standards. According to her list, Lucky Strike grew more weed than a cop could shake a baton at, even more than Rarity grew. AJ tried not to let the abundance of weed cloud her judgement. She had a job to do.
Applejack walked onto Lucky Strike’s block with a sort of confidence. The ponies she passed by knew to step out of her way when she passed. Finding Lucky’s apartment block, she walked onto the second floor. AJ wasn’t sure how one went about growing weed in an apartment, but the address was legit, so AJ got ready to kick down the door.
Stepping back from the door, she ran at it with full force and smashed her way inside.
Picking herself off the ground, AJ pulled out her pistol and aimed it through the broken door. She expected to see a shocked weed-grower. Instead, she found herself staring down multiple police officers, who looked just as confused as she was.
“Is that… Lucky Strike?” one cop asked another.
“I’m not sure. I thought she’d be green.”
One cop ate a donut.
“But why would she crash through her own door?”
The same cop ate another donut. “I dunno. I don’t get paid enough to know these things!”
The captain then took his eyes off Applejack and held out a folder. “Yeah, it says right here, ya seeeee. Lucky Strike breaks down her own doors all them time.”
The same cop ate yet another donut and eyed the folder. “Yup, that’s our gal. Book her!”
Grabbing a donut from the half-empty box, the captain pointed at Applejack as he munched. “Mmmf—stop—om nom—there, criminal scum!”
Applejack busted a few caps in a nearby wall to scatter the police, then ran as fast as she could. Behind her, she could hear the cops yelling.
“Get her!”
“Arrest that pony!”
“Beat her because she’s different than us!”
“Does anypony have more donuts?”
“PAT DOWN HER GENITALS IN PUBLIC!”
Applejack, hearing these things, only ran faster.
In the midst of the chase, she could almost piece together her own song. Fuck the police comin’ straight from the underground, a young nigga got it bad cause I’m orange. AJ had to admit, it was catchy.
“She’s got a hoodie! After her!”
“If she has a bag of Skittles and a Snapple, shoot to kill!”
“NOT THE MAPLE BARS!”
“She’s listening to rap music! STOP, FIEND!”
“Shit! The one with sprinkles is rolling away!”
“I REALLY WANT TO PAT DOWN THAT PONY’S GENITALS!”
Applejack was beginning to get tired of running, but she couldn’t stop, or her genitals would not survive un-patted. Then she had an idea, a failsafe that never failed her once. She took a left onto the next block and looked for the closest Krispy Kreme. She didn’t have any time to waste. Punching out a pony leaving the store, Applejack picked up a donut off the ground.
“Sprinkles with strawberry filling. Balla’.”
Applejack shoved the donut into her hoodie and kept running. A few more blocks, and the cops were hot on her hooves.
One of the cops, fueled by the scent of the perfect Krispy Kreme, began running faster. He drooled profusely, his fat rolls bouncing up against his face as he ran.
“You want the donut? Den get the donut!” Applejack yelled, throwing the donut into a quarry. The cops immediately ran wildly after it, only to crash into a rocky death. As they fell, they could swear they could hear Applejack yelling, “Fuck the police!”
AJ waited at the top of the quarry, listening for a splat…
*Splat*
Smiling, Applejack walked away from the scene. It was a little puzzling that there was a quarry in the middle of the ghetto, but she’d killed four police officers AND she got a new catchphrase. Today was a good day...
After “taking care of” all of Celestia’s customers for the day, Applejack was more beat than a cheap hooker. There were still more ponies to deal with, but they’d be dealt with tomorrow. As she trotted down the streets of Bucklyn and headed back to Ponyville, she ran into Rainbow Dash, who was, as usual, yelling her head off about somethin’ or other.
“Yo! Applejack! Foo’, I need your help!”
Applejack rolled her eyes. “Nigga, whaddayou need my specialities with this time? Always buggin’ ‘bout some scheme or plot, try’na go through wit’ da Wu.”
Dash scoffed and crossed her forehooves over her chest. “Man, I didn’t even say it was ‘bout the Wu-Tang Herd.”
“Is it ‘bout the Wu-Tang Herd?”
“Is grape drank delicious?”
“Yeah, whateva,” Applejack said, rolling her eyes again. “Quit wastin’ ma time, nigga. Whatchu need?”
“I need ya help to practice a stunt to impress the Wu-Tang Herd!” Dash puffed out her chest and did a quick barrell roll in the sky.
Applejack face-hoofed, then sighed. It would waste too much of her precious time to argue with the arrogant lil’ nigga, so she simply said, “Aaight. What’s the stunt?”
“Easy, homie!” Dash landed on the ground in front of Applejack and pointed at a wooden board laid over a pivot. “You just jump on this here end once I get ready, an’ then I’ll shoot into the sky so I can learn’ some fly moves that I can show the Wu-Tang Herd later!”
“Nigga, they ain’t an acrobatics team.” Applejack rolled her eyes. “They a rap group. They rap. And unfo’tunately for you, homie, you have the rap skills of Stephen Hoofking.
“C’moooooooon!” Dash whined. “Can’t ya admit that this shit looks pretty gangsta, though?” She shot off into the sky and performed a few more barrell rolls and loops, which almost any nigga had to admit were pretty sweet.
“Okay, once again, Rainbow, and say it with me this time: The Wu-Tang Herd—”
“The Wu-Tang Herd—”
“Not literally, tard. The Wu-Tang Herd makes music, not tricks.” Applejack sighed. “But Imma guess you ain’t lettin’ me leave till I agree, so fuck it.”
“Hell yeah!” Dash pumped her forehooves and hovered down to Applejack. “C’mon, homie, let’s do it!”
Dash quickly flew over to one end of the wooden plank, while AJ made her way to the top of the jumping board. “Aaight, now, let me just get ready…” Dash began to stretch her wings and hooves, rapping to herself under her breath as she prepared:
“I’m the flyest rapper ever, yo…
My rhymes, they got… flow…
And although I’m a bit… slow…
I’ll show these niggas how to… go!”
Applejack looked down at the board. Her exhaustion was making her vision flip out. She couldn’t tell how far or close it was. Taking a step back, AJ ran and jumped off the platform, only to land face-first into the dirt.
Rainbow Dash looked at her oddly. “You was supposed to hit the board.”
“Fuck off, nigga,” AJ grumbled through the pain.
Dash stomped the ground. “C’mon, man! All ya gotta do is fall!”
Take two had similar results. She hit her head again, and this time, Dash swore she could see winged donuts flying around AJ’s head as she dazed in and out of consciousness. Rainbow stepped off the board, but AJ insisted she was okay.
“I’m… fine, nigga… Just… do your damn stunt.” Applejack climbed onto the platform and prepared. Rainbow was still off the board.
“Homie, are you sure—”
“Just hop up on the damn board!”
“Fine!” Rainbow Dash stood on the end of the board and waited again.
Applejack dizzily looked down at the small board. Growing tired of this, she jumped up as high as she could, then brought her hooves down, expecting to hit the board square and even.
Unfortunately, in her exhausted state, her hooves only grazed the end of the opposite board, and she slammed into it body-first, sending waves of uneven force through it. Accordingly, the other end of the board sprang up, and instead of sending Rainbow Dash steadily up into the sky, it rocketed her right towards some skyscrapers on the other side of town.
“APPPPPPPPLEJAAAAAAAAAACK! YOU HAD ONE JOB!”
“You’re welcome, fool!” Applejack said as she stepped off the device and wiped sweat from her brow. “Quit bein’ such a lil’ bitch, sheesh…”
Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash smacked straight-up into an insurance building, splaying against the glass and flashing everypony inside.
The janitor, who earlier had nothing to masturbate to, praised Faust and slinked his way to the nearest bathroom.
Applejack wanted desperately to get to bed. Being a G was no easy job, but she did it, by herself, with no one to help. And that was fo’ shizzle in her book. Next on the list of ponies to visit was getting an actual visit in the literal sense. Pinkie Pie had invited her to bake pot brownies, an olde time Apple family recipe.
Pinkie had the weed, the batter; all they had to do was bake the brownies. And then bake themselves.
Coming up to Pinkie’s projects, AJ could smell the brownie mix from there. It was the only thing that could mask the smell of Rarity’s dank-ass green.
Pinkie left her door wide open. As soon as the orange earth pony stepped inside, Pinkie was quick to greet her.
“What’s happenin’, AJ!” Pinkie said with an insanely large grin. “God damn… You look like sheeeeit.”
AJ rubbed her head. “I feel like sheeit too. “
“Well don’t you worry, home-dawg! Once we whip up a batch of these brownies, you be feelin’ like a million bits!” Pinkie cackled and hopped into the kitchen, where some loud Notorious P.I.E. music was blaring.
Pinkie ran up and showed Applejack her new beats. “Like my new boombox, homie? It’s the sheeeeeeeeeeeeeit!”
“Nigga, it looks bangin’, but fo’ real, though. ‘Sheeeit’ is mah thang. And where’d you hear dis song? I ain’t never heard it.”
Applejack listened to the song. The lyricism was niggin’ as fuck, but AJ knew she recognized the voice somewhere...
Pinkie Pie grabbed some bowls, spoons, baking sheets, and other supplies. “Yo, homie, can you go get the weed? It’s in my toilet tank.”
Applejack walked towards the bathroom and rolled her eyes. “Of course it is, nigga.”
Retrieving the marijuana, Applejack made her way back to Pinkie, who was already preparing to bake.
Pinkie had everything set-up and now just needed to mix the brownie batter. “Flour, sugar… hey, AJ, can you grab some eggs?”
“Eggs? Yeah, homes.” Applejack opened the refrigerator and peeked inside. The light inside the fridge was blinding and it was kinda hard to see. In her hastiness, she grabbed what she thought were eggs and brought them to Pinkie.
“Eggs.” AJ said simply. She was too exhausted to form full sentences anymore.
“Thanks, nigga!” Without even looking, Pinkie Pie threw two small urinal cakes into the batter. “Now, I need some milk.”
“Milk. Got it.” Applejack went back into the fridge and grabbed a jug of milk, not noticing the label on the front that read “black tar”.
“Milk,” she said, placing the jug on the table.
Pinkie poured some of the jug into the batter and continued to stir. She didn’t notice the color of the “milk,” since she thought it was merely chocolate milk. After she mixed the “ingredients” the best that she could, she said, “Awright! Now we just need wheat germ and the green, homie.”
“Wheat germ… green…” AJ said in a daze. “Sure, I get to it, nigga.”
Applejack stared at a shelf lined with ingredients. “Nigga, I don’t even know what da fuck wheat germ is… Imma assume you mean ammonia.”
“It’s yeast, fool! Yeast!”
“Feast? Yeah, I know nigga, but we gotta make the brownies first.”
Pinkie smacked her skull into a wall repeatedly. “No! No! Yeast! YEEEEEEEEEAST!” She began to laugh maniacally and reach towards some nearby kitchen knives. “Bring me yeeeeeeeeeeeast so we can get hiiiiiiiiiigh!”
Applejack grabbed the yeast and brought it over. “Aaight. God damn, homie, put da fuckin’ knife down.”
Upon seeing this, Pinkie put the knife down and started hopping up and down for no apparent reason. “Yeast! Yeast! Yeast! Yeaaaaaaaaaaah mix dat shit!”
Applejack poured in the yeast, more out of fear of Pinkie than anything. “How much do I put in?”
“One cup!”
Applejack eased her bag of yeast over the rim of the bowl. Letting her grip slip, the yeast began pouring into the bowl in large amounts, definitely more than a cup.
“That’s fine, right?”
Pinkie nodded rapidly. “Sure! Just mix it all up and put it in the oven, AJ!” She rubbed her forehooves together. “Then we’re gonna get hiiiiiiigh!”
“Sounds good to me,” Applejack said, sliding the baking pan into the oven. “My day’s been shit. I can’t wait for how good these mothafuckin’ brownies’ gonna taste.”
Twilight walked into the pure white tent pitched at the side of the road. Inside were tens of ponies tweaking their asses off. Some had the shakes, others were slapping their bed sheets repeatedly for no reason. In one of the beds, Pinkie was laying down and playing with her own cheeks. And not the ones on her face.
“Man, what da fuck is wrong wit’ you?”
Pinkie rolled from side to side and laughed, once again, for no apparent reason. “Bahhhh Twilight, there’s some bitch named Lucy in the sky! With diamonds!”
“Man, I thought you was off that hard shit.”
“Bang bang, Maxwell’s silver hammer came down upon her heeaaaaad!”
“Look man, what happened?”
“Jappledack made the treats, but she makith poison! Her japple is not dack at all, but in fact sack! Do you understand!?” Pinkie yelled hysterically.
“She made pot brownies wit’ black tar heroin, didn’t she?”
Pinkie looked up at Twilight and whispered slowly, “I see… dead… homies…”
“You about to see my hoof in your face if you don’t tell me where dat fool is.”
Suddenly gaining clarity, Pinkie pointed towards the opposite side of the road. “Jappledack’s over there, fool!” She then promptly resumed ranting about somepony named “John Hoof Kennedy” and “A.I.C.”
And Pinkie was right. Walking clumsily along the sidewalk was Applejack, a list of punks in front of her face. Applejack was mumbling under her breath about capping niggas and proceeded to drop the list repeatedly.
“Applejack, did you make the neighborhood tweek off their asses?” Twilight yelled at AJ, pointing a hoof towards the tent.
“Nah nigga, it was John Hoof Kennedy,” AJ said, falling onto her face. “The Zionists, man, they’re everywhere…”
Twilight woke the earth pony up off the ground and slapped her face. “Nigga, wake up! Snap outta it!” When Applejack didn’t respond, she slapped her yet another time, with a very strong pimp hoof.
“MAN, STOP PATTIN’ THERE, NIGGA! I AIN’T GOT ANY DRUGS!” Applejack yelled, snapping out of her daze and looking around. “Where the hell am I?”
Twilight glared and pulled her up by her hoodie. “Nigga, I found your ass tweakin’ out in the middle of the street! What the hell did you put in those brownies?!”
“You know, man… Some sugar, some pot, some… Beet worm I think… It
was good as fuck too,” AJ said, falling asleep again in Twilight’s hooves.
Twilight face-hoofed and shook Applejack rapidly. “Nigga! You musta laced those brownies with somethin’ strong! Wake up!”
“Ugh… Fine, whateva. I need to cap some niggas anyways.” Applejack stumbled towards the destination of her next victim.
“Man, you ain’t in no shape to cap any nigga! You’re gonna get yoself killed out there like this!” Twilight followed after her.
“Man, who are you to tell me I can’t bang? You gon’ what? Rat me out to the jakes? Man, you soundin’ more and more like a snee-i-itch e’rry day.”
Narrowing her eyes, Twilight pointed at Applejack and warned, “You cut with that bullshit, AJ, o’ I’ll let Celestia know you’re trippin’ on the job! You need to take a break, fool, o’ let us help you!”
“Pfft, nigga please,” AJ said, walking off. “I can take care of my sizelf.”
“No you cizant!” Twilight yelled back.
Applejack groaned to Fluttershy. “Man, why are you bringin’ me out here? I got shit to do.”
Fluttershy peeked her head out from her hoodie and shuffled her hooves. “Oh, well, man, you know what they say… it’s better to have a homie for these kinda things… ya know…”
“What things? You still ain’t told me why I’m here.”
Pointing to an abandoned alleyway on the other side of the street, Fluttershy said, “Well, you know, we’ve got some… business… to take care of with them homies over there. An’ I figured… you know… since you’re the best and all… you could help, if that’s okay with you…”
“Well… Ah guess I could divvy some time for you if it means business. Who are dey?”
Fluttershy shrugged. “I really don’t know… but some homies of a homie said they needed our… business.”
“Aaight, I gotcha,” AJ said proudly. “Let me do what myself do best.”
With a crack of her neck, Applejack led the way into the alley. After a good few minutes of nothing happening, they came into a courtyard between three project buildings, with a whole crowd of ponies wearing bandanas and bazooka-straps huddled there. AJ noticed they were split by the colors of their bandanas. Half were blue, and half were red. They all looked like they were enjoying themselves. Too bad it wouldn’t last.
Stepping into the courtyard, AJ picked out one of the ponies with a red bandana who looked important and walked over to her. Pulling out her UZI, Applejack put it to the side of the gangsta’s head.
Fluttershy’s jaw dropped. “No! No, no! Don’t hurt ‘em, man!” As she stood up, she almost dropped the weed in her hoodie pockets, which had been intended to be sold to the now-headless gangsta.
The gunshots echoed throughout the courtyard. The rest of the ponies in the courtyard went quiet and a few pulled out guns of their own. One of the other red-wearing ponies looked at AJ and noticed a blue piece of fabric hanging out of her hoodie’s pocket.
“Man, what da fuck!” she yelled. “The blue sent you to do dis?”
Upon hearing this, the courtyard quickly went into chaos. Suddenly, the courtyard was split into sides, one side red, and the other blue. They were yelling at each other over the commotion.
“I KNEW we shouldn’t have trusted these niggas!” a pony from the red yelled.
“THOSE BITCHES! Get ‘em!” a pony from the blue gang screamed.
“This is why we shouldn’t be homies with niggas from a different socio-tribal status than our own!”
“You ignant!”
“No you ignant!”
“Um… Applejack… fo’ real… let’s stop an’ get outta here…” Fluttershy mumbled and ducked behind Applejack, scrambling to keep the unsold drugs in her pockets and avoid being made into Swiss cheese at the same time.
The yelling and gun-pointing went on for minutes. A misstep from a pony on the red side caused him to step on the sneakers of a blue gangsta. You neva, EVA, step on a G’s sneakers.
“DAT NIGGA STEPPED ON MY DOCKAS!” the pony yelled.
“OH HELL NAW! IT’S ON!”
“I’M ANGRY!”
“MY FATHA LEFT ME AS A CHILD!”
Suddenly, the entire courtyard erupted into a rain of gunfire. Torrents of bullets ricocheted off nearby trash cans and lamp posts as both gangs now unleashed upon each other. Fluttershy nearly lost her shiznit right then and there. The fact that Applejack was now joining in the gunfire wasn’t helping things.
“IT’S FUCK WIT’ AJ DAY, AND EVERYBODY’S CELEBRATIN’!” Applejack yelled, firing her automatic into the mayhem around her.
At that, Fluttershy had enough. She drew an AK-47 from somewhere in her hoodie and started firing into the crowd. “I HAD SOME NOSE DUST FOR YOU NIGGAS, BUT NOW I GOTTA YOU INTO DUST!”
About five minutes of fighting later, only Applejack and Fluttershy remained.
“Well dat was dapper,” AJ proclaimed.
Twilight walked towards her destination with a smile. It was a stressful day, but hopefully, a good deal of weed would calm her down. Not only that, but she was going to seal a peace agreement between two local gangs. It was going down in a courtyard a block away. Tucking a blue and red bandana in her pocket for symbolism, she walked confidently into the courtyard, only to see dead ponies by the score.
Standing beside the wreckage were Fluttershy and Applejack. Fluttershy paled the moment she saw Twilight approaching and tucked her AK back in the depths of her endless hoodie. “Oh, wh-wh-what’s up, Twilight?”
Twilight merely looked around at the bodies, and back up to the two friends. Applejack was still holding the literal smoking gun to implicate her in the deed.
“Look, nigga…” AJ stuttered. “It ain’t what it look like.”
“You killed these ponies,” Twilight muttered.
“Aaight, so it is what it look like.” Applejack rubbed the back of her head. “But I didn’t start dis shit. A nigga got her shoes stepped on; you know how it go.”
“Actualllly…” Showing Applejack the bags of weed and blow in her pockets, Fluttershy said, “I was wantin’ you to come wit’ me, homie, so we could sell ‘em this…”
“Oh… Nigga why didn’t you say so?” Applejack turned to Twilight. “Aaight, so there was a bit of a misunderstandin’.”
“I did say so…” Fluttershy muttered.
“Man, who are you, da FBI? Get off my dick, Inspecta Bitch-Ass.”
“Applejack, this is fuckin’ unbelievable. You gotta take a goddamn rest, or I might gotta kill you myself,” Twilight said, poking her homie in the chest. “Go home, nigga, and gimme dat list.”
Twilight reached for the list Applejack was carrying, but she kept it away from the unicorn. “Nuh uh, dawg. Dis is my list, with my jobs on it. Besides…” Applejack rolled out the scroll and showed it to Twilight. “I already got all my bangin’ done! How ‘bout dat, son!”
Twilight sighed and grabbed the list, turning it over. On the other side was a whole nother line of names and addresses.
AJ began to feel dizzy. “Nig… wha… I… Uhh…” Applejack fell to the ground.
“Oh shit, son! Are you alright, homie?” Fluttershy asked, running over to Applejack, who was face-first on the pavement and clearly unconscious.
Stirring from her sleep, AJ woke up staring into Fluttershy’s face. It was uncomfortably close for Applejack. “Nigga, if you kiss me, I’mma kick ya faggot ass.”
Applejack got slowly onto her hooves. “Twilight… I can’t believe I about to say dis: Will you help me kill and jack these fools? I can’t do it by my sizelf.”
“I know you cizant,” Twilight said, supporting her homie as she stood. “Get to bed, and we’ll kill some niggas in the mornin’. Sound coolio?”
“Yeah, homes, I appreciate it…”
Fluttershy held out a bag of white powder. “I still gots some nose-candy if y’all want some.”
“Fuck yeah,” the two other ponies said.
They all got high and proceeded to kill a lot of double-crossin’ niggas the next day.
And Applejack learned never to engage in “business” unless she knew she could handle it.
Unfortunately, Big Mac10tosh learned the hard way never to get into his sister’s stash. He couldn’t walk straight for weeks after that.
Once all the other niggas were good an’ killed, Twilight and her homies gathered at Applejack’s to celebrate.
“Ay, Twilight, pop the Heini, will ya?” Applejack asked, handing the unicorn her beer. Twilight gladly opened the bottle.
Holding her alcohol up in the air, Applejack said, “Peace to everypony fo’ helpin’ me out, niggas. If it wasn’t for all y’all, I’d still be making punks’ moms into mourners. To homies!”
“TO HOMIES!” the others cried, holding up their beers, shots, and joints.
As they began to relax and unwind from a crazy day in ghetto, Applejack turned to Twilight and said, “Hey, Twilight. We should let Celestia know we took care o’ things.”
Twilight took a drag off her blunt and nodded. “Spike, paper and pen, dawg.”
Spike did as he was told like a whipped bitch and brought the paper and pen to the table.
“Write this down…”
“Ey, Twi, mad respect, but can I have the pleasure, G?” Applejack asked. Twilight said yes and AJ told Spike what to write.
“Celestia, today I killed the last punk-mothafucka on the list, with the help of my brothas. Also, I learned that killin’ ponies when you exhausted ain’t a good idea. You should only kill ponies when you wide awake. I also learned what wheat germ is, but I still think people should just call it fuckin’ yeast and be done with it. I mean, god damn, ‘wheat germ’ don’t even make sense. It ain’t even a germ… Stupid-ass bakers. Anyways, I expect my payment at the usual time and place. Peace out. Yo homie, Applejack.”
Spike finished off the letter and lit it, sending the mystic paper to Celestia. Applejack sighed relaxedly, but stirred when she smelled smoke. In her tired state, she didn’t notice the burning piece of weed ash that fell onto her hoodie.
“OH FUCK OH SHIT!”
Spike was quick to react and tried blowing out the flame, only to breathe fire and make the entire hoodie’s front catch aflame.
“GODDAMMIT SPIKE!”