“Cool!” Pinkie squee’d completely ignoring that the old pegasus had just admitted to first degree murder. “That sounds like a blast! Have fun!”
“Thanks we will!” Peepee Touch said with a smile. “Follow me kids!”
Poop Stain and Assclown said goodbye to Pinkie Pie and followed their new guardian out of Sugarcube Corner. He led them out of Ponyville down a windy dirt path and into the Everfree Forest. They walked through the creepy maze of trees for what seemed like an eternity until finally they came upon a clearing, the most notable feature in it being a large metallic saucer shaped device.
“Glub glub glub?” asked Assclown.
“Why that’s my spaceship!” Peepee Touch laughed. “Common kids I’m going to show you around the universe!” The pegasus walked up to the ship and pressed a small button underneath it. Immediately the giant machine groaned and lit up in a spectacular display of technology. If rose a few feet off the ground and a blue light shot out of the bottom.
Peepee Touch casually walked into the light and instantly disappeared leaving the two foals staring in awe and confusion at the sight before them.
“What do we do?” asked Poop Stain.
“Glub glub!” suggested Assclown.
“But its scary!” Poop Stain admitted looking back at the flying saucer.
“Glub, glub glub glub.” Assclown tried to persuade.
“Well okay...” Poop Stain and his brother walked cautiously towards the blue light. They closed their eyes took, held their breath, and stepped in.
When they opened their eyes they found that they were in a futuristic looking room. Buttons and dials, computer screens and television monitors decorated the room’s silvery walls.
“What took you so long?” asked Peepee Touch who was sitting on a random red bar stool in the middle of the room with a beer in his hoof. “Are you kids ready for take off?”
Poop Stain and Assclown looked at each other. “What’s that mean?” Poop Stain asked.
“Never mind you’re ready.” Peepee Touch looked up at the ceiling. “Computer take us to Jiopop Five in the Andromeda Galaxy.”
“Jiopop Five, Andromeda Galaxy.” a robotic voice echoed throughout the room. “Estimated time twelve seconds.”
The whole room shuddered and a loud explosion was heard from beneath them. The two foals then felt a strange sensation as if their brains were being pushed into their hooves.
“What’s going on?” screamed Poop Stain.
“Glub glub?” asked Assclown.
“Don’t worry kids we’re almost there!” Peepee Touch reassured. He chugged the rest of his beer.
Suddenly the room stopped it’s shaking and everypony began to float along with all the loose objects in the room.
“Oops!” Peepee Touch giggled. “I forgot to fix that darn gravity normalizer! Oh well zero gravity’s always a blast!”
“I’m flying!” Poop Stain laughed. “Look I’m flying!”
“Glub glub glub!” Assclown agreed.
“Computer open the blinds!” Peepee Touch hollered.
“Retracting inner wall to observational viewing point.” The computer voice said.
One of the walls with the least amount of monitors and circuitry opened up revealing a giant window. Poop Stain and Assclown’s jaws dropped as they saw a giant white and blue planet outside the window. The spaceship they had entered was orbiting around the massive sphere.
“That’s Jiopop Five.” Peepee Touch explained. “We can go say hi to the locals if you want!”
Poop Stain and Assclown had absolutely no idea what Peepee Touch was talking about, but before they knew it the old brown stallion rounded them up and pushed them back into the blue light.
As soon as they went through the light the room disappeared and a snow covered landscape appeared in its place. The temperature, however, was surprisingly warm.
“Let’s see if the Jiopaloosans are here!” Peepee Touch said looking around.
“Ik ben een Jiopaloosan! Welkom op onze nederige planeet!” said a voice from behind them. They all turned to see a strange creature. It somewhat resembled a rabbit except it stood over seven feet tall. Its most distinct feature was that it’s skin and muscles were completely transparent making its vast network of organs visible.
“I’ve never seen a Jiopaloosan before!” Peepee Touch said in shock. “It’s rather revolting! And why is it speaking Dutch?”
“De auteur van dit verhaal is willekeurig.” the Jiopaloozan explained.
Peepee Touch quickly pulled out a six shooter that was concealed behind his ear and shot the unsuspecting creature four times. It howled in pain as the bullets ripped through its body causing massive internal damage.
“Waarom heb je dat gedaan?” the creature screamed as it fell in the snow writhing in pain. A bluish liquid leaked from each of the bullet holes creating the equivalent of a pool of blood under the Jiopaloosan. After a few minutes it let out a deep breath and died.
“Why did you do that?” cried Poop Stain in horror.
“One because I thought it was disgusting, two because I’m a sadist and a sociopath, and three because I wanted to show you that you need to move on.”
“What do you mean?” Poop Stain asked.
“Glub glub.” Assclown agreed wondering the same thing.
“You are still clinging to the fact that you have a life in Ponyville.” Peepee Touch explained. “That life is now over. The gun represents your mother, she took away whatever life you had by selling you to me. The Jiopaloosan represents your old selves, in other words as of today your life before is now dead to you. And the pool of blood represents yourselves now, what is left after your transformation.”
“Really?” asked Poopstain.
“Lol not really I just made that up.” Peepee Touch laughed. “Let’s go learn more lessons about life!”