Twilight Sparkle hummed happily as she began to rearrange her bookshelf. She had just finished studying the last of a series of new spell books she had bought, and being content she had the incantations fully memorized, began to sort them alphabetically with magic.
“Spike!” she called. “Can you help me sort out these books?”
There was no answer. Twilight shrugged, the baby dragon was probably busy doing something important. She was sure she could trust him to be responsible. After all she didn’t call him her number one assistant for nothing.
But then Twilight heard a soft giggle coming from upstairs. She looked up toward where the sound had come from. That’s strange. She thought. I was sure that I called loud enough for him to hear.
“Spike!” she hollered again. “I need your help.”
The only reply was another soft giggle.
What the hay is he doing up there?
Twilight set the pile of books down and walked toward the stairs. As she climbed them she noticed a strange and distinct smell that reminded her of burning plastic. When she reached the top of the stairs she proceeded down the hallway and opened the door to Spike’s room.
As the door swung open, a thick cloud of gray smoke wafted out of the room and into Twilight’s face. She coughed as she inhaled the foul smelling haze. Squinting through the smoke, she saw the silhouette of Spike sitting in the corner of the room. He was chuckling and holding what appeared to be some kind of glass tube which apparently was the source of the smoke.
“Oh my god!” he laughed. “I’m so fucking happy!”
“Spike!” Twilight gasped at his foul language. “Don’t say that word! And what in the name of Celestia are you doing?”
Spike giggled. “Take a chill pill, Twi, or better yet a chill bowl!” he roared with laughter and fell backward clutching his stomach with one claw while managing to hold up the glass tube with the other.
“What are you talking about Spike?” Twilight asked confused.
Spike sat back up trying not to laugh. “Here!” he said offering the tube to Twilight. “Try some!”
“What is it?” asked Twilight. “It smells bad.”
“It’s called meth!” Spike snickered. “It’s amaaaaaaazzzzzzinnnngg!”
“Meth?” Twilight repeated. “I’ve never heard of it before, is it some kind of potion? What does it do?”
Spike began to giggle again. “Oh yeah it’s a potion!” he exclaimed. “It makes you fly!”
“Well you aren’t flying.” Twilight observed raising an eyebrow.
“It makes you go wooo-wooo!” Spike began drawing invisible circles in the air with his claw. “Waga-goo-goo wooo-wooo!” he said in nonsense.
“Well I guess I’ll try a little...” Twilight said hesitantly. “All I have to do is breath it in?”
Spike didn’t answer. He was smiling and preoccupied with tracing his circles into the air.
Twilight walked over to Spike and picked up the glass tube with her mouth. She inhaled the smoke and immediately felt lighter. As if all her cares in the world had vanished.
Two weeks later
“Twilight we’re really worried bout ya.” Applejack began. She along with Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie had noticed their friend had not paid any attention to them for the last two weeks. All she seemed to care about was that nasty smelling “meth” stuff. “You’ve been skippin all yer responsibilities just tah smoke that glass thang.”
“I do have to agree with Applejack, Twilight darling,” Rarity continued. “You should really try to ease up on it.”
“I’M ALMOST THERE!!!” Twilight screamed randomly making her friends jump back.
“Almost where?” asked Rainbow Dash. “Twi, you aren’t making any sense.”
Twilight fell to the ground and started rolling around. “It’s so goooooooood!” she moaned.
The five friends looked at each other. Twilight needed some serious help.
“Yo dawg it Twilight!” exclaimed a voice.
Everypony turned around to see an earth pony stallion with a brown coat, black mane, and expensive sunglasses over covering his eyes. He had gold chains and all sorts of “bling” around his neck. He was smiling revealing golden grillz covering his teeth.
“Who are you?” asked Pinkie Pie in her usual happy tone, most likely excited at the idea of making a new friend.
“Yea yea g, I’m Fitty Bit.” the pony said cooly. “Yea an dat hoe is Twilight! She a cray mothafucka.”
“Hey buddy,” Rainbow Dash said angrily. “That’s my friend your calling a hoe!”
“Oh she yo frand?” Fitty Bit’s eyes widened. “Dam nigga, ya’ll must be straight! Nawmeen?”
“What language is that ruffian speaking in?” asked Rarity.
“He’s scaring me.” Fluttershy whimpered.
“Yo I know Twilight have some of dat good crystal, dawg. Can ya’ll be hookinz me up?”
“Tell us where yah know Twilight from!” demanded Applejack.
Fitty Bit laughed. “Aight, first time I met Twilight we’s was fuckin five minutes after I saw her in the club.”
“You mean you had... You had sex with her?” Fluttershy gasped repulsed at the idea. Everypony else was completely in shock, they never expected Twilight out of all ponies to do something like that!
“Damn straight I had sex wit her!” Fitty Bit bragged. “But she be easy dawg, nawmeen, and Fitty Bit always be gettin the bitches. So anyway can ya’ll hook me up wit dat crystal?”
A Month Later
There was now nothing that Twilight wouldn’t do for money. Money meant meth, and meth was all that was ever on Twilight’s mind.
She had long since started working at a strip club, Celestia’s Booty House, which was weird since ponies didn’t really even need to strip. Her duties consisted mostly of dance teases, hoofjobs, and of course filthy hardcore sexual intercourse; although she was too high half the time to care. It was sometime during this period that she got knocked up.
“Yo bitch you prego?” a customer asked raising an eyebrow.
“What’s it to you?” Twilight slurred. “You wanna fuck my poop chute instead?”
“No you skanky ass hoe! I paid good money and I get a pregnant bitch? Fuck this!” The customer got up and left angrily.
Twilight’s boss, a stallion by the name of Poon Slammer, walked up to her after observing the situation. “Twilight,” he said hesitantly. “Look, your a good girl but you can’t work here anymore, the customers just don’t want you.”
“Ohmygoshimsofuckinghigh!” Twilight chuckled. “I thought you just said I was fired!”
“I did... And you are...”
“But... But...” Twilight stuttered. “How will I get money for my crystal meth?”
“I’m sorry Twilight, but maybe you should lay off that stuff.”
“Fuck you!” Twilight roared. “It makes me fucking happy! Who the fuck do you think you are?”
“Twilight your pregnant. Do you really want your children to be raised by a whore on crystal meth? Maybe firing you is a good idea.”
Twilight walked home that night crying. When she reached the library she noticed two stallions putting up a sign that read “For Sale” in the lawn.
“What do you queef nuggets think you’re doing?” Twilight questioned angrily.
“The owner of this house didn’t pay taxes to Tyrant Celestia.” one of the stallions explained. “Strange since it’s a public library, but whatever. Whoever lived here is now homeless I guess.”
Nine Months Later (lol)
Twilight had moved under a bridge with a bunch of other meth and heroin addicts. She couldn’t even tell what day it was anymore, all she could think about was when she could get her next fix.
Suddenly her abdomen clenched up and an intense pain flared throughout her whole body causing her to scream.
The other addicts looked over to her.
“What’s happening?” Twilight cried in agony.
“You’re pregnant honey.” explained one of the heroin addict mares who’s name was Filthy Syringe. “You’re in labor.”
Twilight was rushed to the hospital where she gave birth to two male foals.
“Sweet Celestia!” screamed the Doctor in horror. “What are those things?”
Twilight looked up to see her new offspring. One of them was brown with black spots. He had a bushy mane and tail which were the color of raw sewerage. The other had a normal body which resembled Twilights; however it’s face nothing but a disgusting mushy pink blob.
“That’s strange.” Twilight commented. “I don’t recall fucking a blob fish.”
“They’re abominations!” screamed the Doctor.
“I’m going to name that one Poop Stain.” said Twilight pointing her hoof at the brown foal. “And I’m going to name that one Assclown.”