//------------------------------// // First // Story: Dude, What the FFFF!! // by Vallis //------------------------------// Just as we stepped out of the train, I felt a very familiar sensation in my stomach which reminded me of many moments back at home. Although, I wasn't sure if I should perceive it as pleasant for reminding me of said memories, or just aggravated as usual. Regardless, it still came down to one thing. I have to take a shit. Like, now. "Joe." I tugged at his shirt. "Sup?" "Shit." "Uh-... what?" "Poop. Shit." "Oh... shit." He snickered. ...Did you feel that? Like, uhh... a little bit of de ja vu or something? -cough- Chapter 4... "Yeah, it needs out. Now." I stared at him, practically begging for help. To my despair, he only shrugged, and kept snickering and giggling. I think he got my message. Now, normally I would've taken flight to finding a bathroom by now... but, just how exactly does a pony take a shit in this world? Seriously, stop snickering and giggling. I'm almost positive that they don't shit on the spot allover the ground like actual ponies, because these streets are definitely spotless. So that means bathroom. But just what exactly was a 'bathroom' here? Outhouse? Behind a bush? On a tree? In a hole, then bury it maybe? Last one seemed smart, but for some reason I don't think that's how it works here. Let's just ask our favorite Zebra... After taking a few moments to work up the guts (and some very persuasive encouragement from my ass), I asked. "Zecora?" I turned to her. "Hm?" She hummed with a grin. "We've never really went over how exactly we... take care of business. Y'know, after eating, and digesting, then eventually going to the bathroom to take a-" "AH- ah ah ah, okay." She shoved a hoof forcefully on my mouth, her eyes slightly widening. "Just follow me." POV: Joel So, I'm sure Chris's new friend there just took him to help do his business. Meanwhile, I was now left sitting on a rather short bench (fit for ponies I guess) with the small dragon. If I remember from mlp correctly... Spike was his name. I have to admit, he was kind of adorbs. I could just pinch his cheek, the thought alone making me smile. I was thinking of maybe starting a conversation with him, but as if on queue, he spoke up. "Sooo..." He managed, kicking his legs back and forth since his short stature couldn't allow for him to place his feet on the ground. I gave him a small grin, encouraging him to not be afraid to talk to me. In fact, I think this is the first time I talk 1 on 1 with him. "I don't think we've properly met yet?" I shook my head. "No, not really." "Oh? Well, hi! The name's Spike!" He reached out his little scaly hand for a handshake. I think a little tiny part of me melted and said 'aww'. Other than that, for a moment I wondered how exactly his hands were going to feel like, him being a dragon and all. I reached out and grabbed his little hand, my palm almost engulfing the entire thing as my thumb could pretty much wrap around the whole way. I gave a gentle squeeze, and to my surprise, they felt pretty soft. Scales? Practically non-existent. "As you probably heard already, my name's Joel. Or Joe. Either way is fine." I smiled. "Cool! So, Joe. You're uhh... what was it again? A hoo-mine?" He placed a small finger on his chin as he gazed quizzically into the distance. He muttered the name a few more times under his breath, until he snapped his fingers. "A human!" He smiled proudly as he crossed his arms. It was short lived though, as his smile dropped and the quizzical face fell in again. "...Right?" "Yup. You got it." I chuckled, his colorful personality already making me feel at home. I had a feeling I was going to get along with Spike pretty well. Now, I know. I'm somewhat aware of his... unique, personality. I know he can be witty, frighteningly sometimes, as witty as me or Chris from what I've seen in the show. Confusing even, how he can sometimes be the 'sharpest tool'. But then he has that certain quality at the same time. Utter innocence, where his true age shows. A little mindfucking, like multipersonality or bipolarity I guess. Definitely not unpredictable though, like the two things I mentioned. It doesn't really take a sherlock to figure him out. The best way to put it, I guess, is that he's one of those 13 year olds who doesn't know what a blowjob is. Or what anything adult related is, I should say. Was that a little too detailed of an observation? Eh, whatever. "So, that thing you mentioned earlier when were going back and forth about how our worlds with different. A car, I think it was?" Spike questioned. "Transportation? Four wheels and makes a mechanical noise and all that?" I continued for him. I couldn't help but smile even more now. He just barely knows about it, and is already interested in it. Chris would definitely love this. Although, I don't blame the dragon for taking interest in it. One thing for sure, cars are one of the major differences between here and home. Over here it's horses and carriages. ...Isn't that kind of fucked up? Aaaanyway. "Yeah, that's right! Four wheels, like a carriage, right?" Spike kept at it. "Yup. Except only needs one person to drive it. It powers itself, almost like magic, but it's really just alot of science at work." I informed. Although I am indeed the 'Tony Stark' of technology, as Chris likes say it, I don't really know cars more than my broski. Motherfucker could probably build a car from scratch if he had the resources to do it. I put all my money on it. Actually. I think that's p-... I'll make a mental note about that... "Science? Ehh..." He rubbed the back of his neck. "That's more of Twilight's thing, but I mean, cars still sound pretty cool! It's just, everything here is like magic this and magic that. It gets pretty crummy for someone like me who doesn't have magic, or can't even fly." He folded his arms, looking down at the ground disappointingly. "Ahh, I get you. So from the sound of it, a car is just perfect for you." I grinned. Come on, just imagine him driving a go kart. What a sight it'd be. "Exactly!" He perked up in a second from the idea alone, the smile back on his face. So adowable. POV: Chris I'm not done yet... ...and you definitely don't wanna know what it's like to shit as a pony. I have never felt so inhuman in my entire life. POV: Joel ...About half an hour later... "And that, in a really large nutshell, is what cars do back in our place." I clapped my hands, checking my wristwatch for the time. I blew a whopping 30 minutes with that alone. Wow. Chris can shit like no other that I know. "...Man, that is so, cool." Spike looked up into the distance, his pupils dilated as he clasped his hands together. It unnerved a really small part in the back of my mind, but I do have to remember that this is the world of Equestria... a show that is originally a cartoon from Hasbro. Hold on, I just told this little guy a buttload of things about cars. That's Chris's thing. Now it's my time to shine. "Hey, do you wanna know about something just as cool? We have things called comput-" "I'm back from the dead!" An all too familiar voice shouted. Well, I'll save my story time for later I guess. POV: Chris My first shit in Equestria. Also my first shit as a pony. There's a first for everything, y'know? Definitely never was on my to do list, however. "Well! Now that my poop crisis has been taken care of, let's get this show on the road." I stated rather happily, my trot even having an upbeat feeling to it. There was always something odd about taking a shit. It always made me... chipper. As if I purged all my stress and worries out of my ass. ...Hm. That actually makes some type of sense now that I think about it. Wait. What am I forgetting? I left something behind? No, I didn't bring anything at all. Was it someone? OH. Oh. "Zecora?" I stopped in my tracks, turning back to look for my favorite zebra. She was behind, although at a much slower pace as she stared mindlessly into the distance. Eventually, she ended up bumping into my side, stirring her out of her trance. "Ah- apologies, I wasn't looking." She gave a slight shake of her head. "You alright there Zecora?" I asked. "Yes, I'm alright!" She smiled. I was skeptical, but only for a second. I turned forward again, making my way again to regroup with Joel and the dragon. "Alrighty." I said casually. "So, all business taken care of?" Joel said as he tried standing up from the bench, failing the first time as he dipped back onto it. Just imagine a 6'4 tall man trying to get off of a bench that's no taller than halfway up his shin. I obviously laughed. "Screw you. I'd like to see you try and get on a bar stool now, being a midget horse and all." He said as he petted me. Talk about degrading, I was at 5'8 when I was human alone, 4 inches shy of being a whole foot shorter than him. Now I'm just above his waist. I pretended to bite his hand, snorting afterwards as he retreated his hand in a flash. "I can bite now, bitch." "Good luck. I have years of hard earned hand-and-eye coordination. Gaming, beeyatch." I shook my head, chuckling as I did. It felt good to talk with him like this again. Things were finally feeling normal. "Well, let's not burn daylight. We have a few princesses to talk to." Joel began to walk at a slow pace, waiting for the rest of us. The dragon did a quick leap off the bench, and followed right behind the tall human. 'Ah. You have a lil' tail now Joe.' I smiled as I thought. I caught up with the group, Zecora being the last. I swear, something's in her mind. "Zecora." I slowed my pace slightly so I could talk to her side by side, rather than front and back. "Yes?" "What's going on in your mind? Don't lie." "...I'd rather not." "C'mon." I bumped into her side gently. "I don't know you much, but I know you enough to say that this ain't you. So what's got you going?" All she ended up doing was conjuring a light shade of red on her cheeks. Now I'm interested. "It's just..." "...Yes?" "I've never..." "...Mhmm?" She sighed. "I've... never heard such horrid, diabolical sounds come from somepony's rear end like that. You had me worried, truly, for many moments. Then to see you simply come out completely unscathed? I- I could not. Just could not understand." .... Commencing laughing fit.