Wh-what, happened?
“Here… Set him on… Alright, Luna, I need you to…”
Who’s there? What’s going on? Where am I? Why the Hell is it so dark?
“Tia, are you sure it’s okay to–”
“Yes, Luna, I assure you I have everything under control.”
“What do you mean you have everything under control? I told you not to interfere, now look at yourself! You’re hurt, you need to rest.”
The two voices drifted around my unconscious mind, periodically fading out of earshot as I faded in and out of consciousness, only to return moments later like a by passing car on a highway. I can’t seem to remember what happened. I feel like I’m taking a test and I just can’t fill in that one blank. My mind is incredibly fuzzy, I just can’t put the pieces together and it’s literally driving me insane!
I was driving; I know that much. And, I- I remember seeing the Richardson’s Christmas lights…
“Something’s happening…”
Wait, what’s happening...?
“He doesn’t appear to be in pain as much as he was earlier…”
Pain…? I’m not in pain… should I be in pain? Oh shit, did I die?!
“Tia, I told you to go rest. Leave it with me; it’s probably just its body getting use to the healing spell. It’s just calming down that is all…”
Okay… I’m not dead, that’s good. I’m probably just doped up and– wait a sec, did she just say spell? Something doesn’t seem right about thi–
“I told you Luna, I’m alright.”
“Tia, I saw how hard it hit you with that thing…”
Oh fuck I hit someone?! Oh God what happened, okay, okay, calm down I just need to calm down okay… how am I going to do that at a time like this?! Just take deep breaths that is all; it’s all just a nightmare, okay? My name is Lee James Harrison, I live in Dansville I have a loving wife and a beautiful daughter. What I’m experiencing now is just a dark part of my subconscious, once I count to three I’m going to wake up. It’ll be early in the morning, maybe the sun hasn’t even risen yet, I’ll wake up next to my wife and all of this will be over. Let’s just take a deep breath…
One…
Two…
Three.
I felt myself wrapped in a soft heavy material, my body was extremely warm. As a matter of fact I was sweating due to the amount of heat trapped around my body. Blinking at a rapid pass I quickly erased all traces of blurriness from my eyes, the room I was in was dark. Not dark to the point I couldn't see, above me I could a see a tan ceiling. I appeared to be in a bed of some sorts, a rather comfortable one may I add. Far better than my queen size my wife and I shared, back at home. Home…? Wait one damn second!
Using my elbows I pushed myself up into a sitting position, the large red blankets rolled off my chest and landed right on my lap. Twisting my head right to left, I observed my strange environment. I was in a very bright feminine room, filled with lots of reds, and pinks. It reminded me a lot of my daughter Grace’s room. Early morning light streamed through the cracks of the curtain which seemed to be blocking the glass doors to a balcony on my right. If it’s morning now that must have meant that I must have been out all night. Could I have just driven all night and stopped at a hotel and I just have trouble remembering it…?
I rested my now aching head in the palm of my hand. “Ah shit!” I cried out as my hand gently scraped the cloth on my forehead which elicited a small spark of pain that quickly shot through my body. What the hell? I quickly retracted my hand, what the hell is wrapped around my head? Slowly I brought my hand back to my forehead, touching the spot of my head where the cloth was. I winced slightly as I rubbed it, did I really get in a crash last night? Then why am I not in the hospital?
I need to get better look at myself, there has to be something in this room. It wasn’t hard trying to find a mirror in a girlish room like this one. About a yard away from me to my left was a large vanity mirror. Which reflected a per-…? Er… a banged up image of me; a large portion of the top of my head was wrapped in what seemed to be a white cloth. My face looked like it had been caught in the crossfire of a George Foreman and Muhammad Ali grudge match. As for my chest my favorite Lion’s jacket had a large tear on the right sleeve. Just to be safe so that no other harm has been done, I opened the jacket just to make sure my elegant suit hasn’t been destroyed. I released a relief-filled sigh; the suit hasn’t been harmed.
But now wasn’t the time to get comfortable just yet, there was still one last thing I needed to check before I figure out what the hell is going on. It’s time I checked under the covers. I swallowed the lump in my throat and took hold of the large brightly red blanket. Taking another deep breath I decided it was best to count to three.
One…
Two…
Th– Ah fuck it! We’ve already been through this! Throwing the sheets off my body, they crumpled to the floor like a heavy stack of papers. I observed my legs; I twisted my right leg to the side hoping to gain a better view. Nothing seems to be broken, dress pants doesn’t seem to be torn. That was a relief.
After checking my left leg all seemed nice and dandy, no torn pants or any broken bones. Which was an even greater relief! All is going good now, except for the fact that I’m not in a hospital. This is still jabbing at my mind like a fire poker that has recently been taken out of a burning flame. It’s bothering me to no end and I just want to figure out where the hell I am. And the only way to figure that out is to venture out of this room.
Planting the palms of my hands on the very cushiony bed, I twisted my body around so that I was facing the mirror. Due to the sheer colossal size of the bed my legs weren’t even close to dangling over the sides. So I had to journey my way through the desert of wrinkled sheets just to get to the other side. After what felt like an eternity of dragging my ass off the bed, I finally made contact with the pink carpeted floor. Pushing my hands on the bed I lifted myself up off the edge and stood up. Instantly felt nauseous afterward. Well fuck. My vision blurred and I was forced to cradle my head in the palm of my hands.
As if on cue my throat became sandpaper and my stomach groaned for food like a bum on the street begging for change. I stood there for a few minutes, waiting for the nausea to subside. But it didn’t which unfortunately sucked, instead I felt as if I needed to puke. Clutching my gut I needed to find a bathroom. I looked for the nearest door or something that symbolized a bathroom.
I began to hobble towards the nearest door, just on the opposite side of the room from the balcony window. Stumbling over my shoes, I lunged out for the door. My fingers grasped onto the handle at the last second. I was almost parallel with the floor, barely a foot before making contact. I could feel my insides swish around inside like water in a half filled bottle, which doesn’t feel good at all. My stomach whined once again while sending a feeling of discomfort throughout my body.
I wrapped my fingers around the handle and pulled myself back into a vertical position. Twisting the handle I pushed on the door, nothing happened. So I tried again, nothing happened. So of course since I’m only human, I tried once again. I began to feel like an aggravated toddler who was trying to open a jar of peanut butter only to have his parents come in and show him that he was twisting it the wrong way the who– oh…
Like a complete dumbass I pulled the handle back, and to my idiotic delight the door eased opened. I craned my head around the open door and I noticed how dark it was. The room had no windows, but I did notice the knob that rested on the wall to my left. I turned my body to the side and I slipped passed the door. Closing it quietly behind me, my stomach churned once again. My legs buckled a bit and I hunched forward clutching my gut. “Shit,” I gasped.
Reaching upwards I twisted the knob, hoping that it would provide some type of light. To my luck it did, with a satisfying hiss and a small scent of gas. The center gas powered chandelier flames came to life, providing a nice source of light. As my eyes adjusted to the brightness of the extremely pink and white room (and of course I thought the first room was girly) my jaw struck the white porcelain floor like a sack of bricks.
Despite the overly obnoxious colors, the room was astonishing. Hot pink walls outlined the room, along with the white floor; to my left was a large full body mirror. And with a few steps forward there was a set of stairs that led into a pool, which I assumed was the bath tub. To my right however was a whole other door, which was already opened and revealed to me my life goal. The toilet my bodily fluids have been screaming for. (Which was surprising really that they haven’t came up yet.)
I stumbled into the open room, dropping to my knees I grasped onto the seat and flung my head into the open toilet and hurled. I vomited my last night’s dinner into it, as I did I felt the small amount of stress lift off my shoulders as I began to feel a little better. I flushed the toilet and watched my wife’s stroganoff go around the whirlpool and down the drain. I reached back for the towel rack behind me, grabbing one of what literally looked to be a hundred pink towels. I wiped my wet lips on the incredibly soft material.
“Well now, isn’t this an interesting sight?” I flew six feet into the air, startled by the feminine voice that came from the open doorway. Spinning towards the voice my eyes widened in shock. “Oh I do apologize, I didn’t mean to scare you.” A small gray horse dressed in what seemed to be a maid’s outfit giggled. “I only came in here to do my regular afternoon cleaning.” She smiled and looked back outside before turning her attention back to me. “I knocked on the door before coming in. But nopony answered, I was going to continue on my way. But then I heard this awful howling noise,” she chuckled once again.
God, what the fuck is this thing?! Why the hell does it keep giggling like a young school girl? I pushed myself away from the female horse with my legs, but to my luck my back struck the wall.
“But it was just you all along. Say, how was the party last night Mr. Rose?” she asked.
Party, Rose? I’m dreaming… no, no this is way too fucked up to be a dream. This has to be some type of freaking LSD trip or something. Just one big fucking LSD trip, I was probably drugged at the hotel or something, shit I can’t remember!
Who the hell was Mr. Rose? Could she just be mistaking me for somebody else and why the fuck is she a ho– “Mr. Rose, is something wrong? Your face is starting to become a little pale.” The maid spoke with an elegant English accent, which was bizarre because last I knew. Where I’m from there are no English people, let alone English-accented horses.
There I go fucking dazing out again, I need to focus alright. Get your head in the game, Lee. Alright, first I need to say something. “Uh... Eh…” Way to go shitferbrains.
The horse covered her lips with her hooves and chuckled, if I had to admit I’d say her laugh was rather adorable. It reminded me of Grace’s laughs when she was still only a little baby. At times that laugh would seem rather comforting, except this time that laugh was coming from a horse dressed in a black and white maid’s outfit with black stockings and small black dress shoes specifically made for hooves. “I take it that you had a fun time?” she asked as she approached me. “Here, let me help you back onto your hooves–”
My brain instantly shut off, literally every muscle, nerve, and cell in my body stopped and gone limp. Hooves? Hold on, I think I heard this wrong… HOOVES?! Maybe the mirror was wrong; hold on, let me check something. Looking down I examined my hands and feet, HANDS AND FEET!
Either this horse doesn’t know how to tell the difference between hands and hooves, or I’m actually dreaming or drugged. Maybe even both. Fuck I don’t know, quite frankly I don’t know what to even believe anymore. Last I remembered I was still a human being and that my name was Lee, not Mr. Rose.
The grey maid used her head to nudge me in the side as she guided me back to my feet. I grasped the towel rack trying to keep my balance as my stomach churned once more. Tilting my head slightly downwards so that I was looking at the horse that went up to about the middle half of my chest, she watched me with those wide, may I say it, and adorable wide eyes. “Wow, Mister, she wasn’t kidding when she said you were a tall pony–”
My eyes locked with her purple eyes, and once again my brain halted. She just called me a p-pony? Now I definitely know I’m stuck in a six year old girl’s dream, that’s it that’s the only logical conclusion… or I’m in some type of fucked up hell… Ugh… what the fuck did I do last night to make me deserve this? Biting my tongue I decided that as long as I’m on this strange high, I might as well play along with it. “Okay… listen here… Eh… what’s your name?”
“Shimmering Grace,” she said. I glared down at the small gray pony, she stared back moments later. She then tilted her head to the side like a confused puppy. What are the odds of finding some adorable/confusing thing that shares the same name as my daughter? “Well… most of my friends call me Grace for short, if that’s okay with you, Mister.”
“Please, just call me Lee.” I hardly mumbled due to my dry throat, which felt like it was killing me from the inside out.
“Lee? Now that’s a nickname I haven’t heard before.” She said tapping her chin in thought.
I began to limp my way out of the bathroom. “That’s because it’s not a nickname.” I really need to get out of here. I need to leave this damn hotel find my car and just drive as far away from here as possible. Only problem was, I don’t even have single clue on where I’m at.
“If it’s not a nickname than what is it?”
I didn’t bother answering her question, leaving the humongous bathroom. I re-entered the mysterious girly bedroom. A stinging pain erupted in the back of my head as if somebody had driven a rusted screw driver into the back my skull. My ears were ringing, I clenched my teeth and clutched my skull. “Mr. Rose, is everything alright?”
“I thought I told you to call me Lee!” I snarled my raspy voice making me sound like a ninety year old man. I winced once again because of the unbearable pain. “I-I just need something to drink.”
“W-well I can go and get you some water if you’d like Mr.–”
I spun around to face the grey pony bending down I got in her face. “Call me Rose one more time and you'll be well acquainted with that window right over there.” I gestured out towards the balcony window. I swear to god, this pony is getting on my nerves… this can’t be a dream; the pain I’m feeling now feels far too real to be a dream. Either I’m drugged or… or… I can’t explain it.
Leaning away from the pony I covered my eyes, and massaged them lightly. Trying to do something to ease myself of this pain; Grace gulped and glanced towards the door which I assume leads out of here. “I can run down to the dining hall and get you some water if you’d like.”
I sighed heavily. “Quite frankly I think a shot would rather do me good.”
Grace’s eyes widened in disbelief, taking a step forward she shook her head. “Mr.– I mean, Lee, you’ve already had enough to drink. I recommend you lay down and get some rest. I’ll go inform the Princess of your distress and–”
I stopped her with the look in my eyes, I quirked an eyebrow, confused by what she just said. Princess? Now things just got even stranger, woke up in an unknown place, puked my brains out, and now a talking English horse just mentioned a Princess to me. “Grace…” I nearly whispered completely forgetting about the stinging pain in my head. And for the first time that day I decided to ask my first two intelligent questions. “Where am I? And what do you mean I already had enough to drink?”
Grace took a step back raising her own eyebrow, she frowned. “What do you mean where are you?”
I resisted all urges to face palm. “I mean, where am I?” I flung my arms out in both directions motioning them around the room. “What is this place? Why is it so fucking pink?! Where’s my car? My house?! And most of all why are you a talking HORSE?!”
My migraine began to rip apart my brain as my voice grew louder and louder with every question, I swore that any second now blood would begin to drip from my ears. Due to the screaming pain, Grace stood there petrified by my sudden outburst. She began to step back as I stepped towards her. “I-I-I’m afraid I don’t understand, Mr. Rose, th-thi-this is Canterlot,” She stammered. “C-Canterlot Castle, y-you work here.”
I stopped and grasped both sides of my head. Canterlot, I don’t work for a place known as Canterlot Castle. Sounds like a fucking weird casino you’d probably find in Vegas, or it’s probably something my daughter would come up with. “Wh-what are you talking about?” I mumbled as I stumbled towards her once again. “I don’t work here, I, I never worked here.”
“O-of course you do.” Grace backed herself into a corner. “You worked here your whole life, at least that’s what Celestia told me. I saw you last night at the ball,” she said cowering in fear.
I stopped. “Wh-where?”
“At the ball, you were tending to the guests. You know serving them drinks, matter of fact you were drinking with them. Which is actually against all regulations and you can get yourself fired. You’re just lucky Pens Worth wasn’t there.” She quickly explained as she lowered herself into a sitting position.
I slowly took my hand off my head as the pain began to subside, taking a few steps back I found myself backing into the bed. I tripped over it and landed onto the soft mattress. “No… no, no, that can’t be right, you’re lying.” I said more calmly this time around.
“I’m not lying, sir, you’re one of the best known ponies around the castle.” She said climbing back onto her hooves.
“Why did you say that?” I asked looking at her with a stern look I’d give Grace, my daughter, whenever she did something bad or stupid.
“I say that because it’s true, you’re known around here for your jokes and–”
I cut her off with a wave of my left hand. “That’s not what I was asking. I meant why did you call me a pony?”
Grace stopped and looked at me as if I was one of those guys who didn’t understand a simple joke and needed it to be explained. “That’s because you are a pony, sir.” When did she start calling me sir?
I glanced down at my body and looked at my hands, fingers, clothes, and shoes. “No… I’m a human being.” I replied back in a shallow monotone voice.
“Human what? Excuse me, but are you blind?” She asked clearly becoming irritated.
I recoiled back in surprise. “Are-are you fucking serious, look! I have hands!” I raised both my hands and shook them in front of her.
“Mr. Rose, those are your hooves.” She deadpanned.
Hooves? Wh-what the hell, she’s messing with me, she has to be messing with me, there’s no way in Hell I’m letting her get to me. “Alright then explain this!” I took hold of the crumpled up sheets and lifted them partly off the bed. “If I have hooves, how am I possibly holding this up?”
This time Grace actually slammed her right hoof into her forehead. “That’s because you’re a unicorn, Gun.” She released an irritated sigh.
“Gun… Why did you call me Gun?” I said completely losing track of what I was doing.
“Because that’s your first name, I swear that fall really did knock some of your screws loose.” She mumbled.
Gun…? If that’s my first name then that means she’s been referring to me by my supposed last name Rose… what the– and then it clicked. My palm slammed into my face, which I quickly regretted because instant pain surged through out my head which sent me back into the bed.
My name is based off of Guns N Roses…