//------------------------------// // 23. Pinkie the Cupcake Whisperer :: T/Da/Co // Story: Kaidan's Short Stories: Vol. 1 - Teen // by Kaidan //------------------------------// Pinkie discovers an extra-special talent: communicating with baked goods. {Teen} {Dark} {Comedy} Pinkie Pie woke up to the sound of the small lazy-bake oven in her room chiming. A cupcake slid out onto the nightstand and the aroma roused her from sleep. She stretched her legs out as far as they would go and yawned. It was time for her morning routine. She would wake up, eat a cupcake, get some coffee, and then step out the front door as the party pony that everypony loved. Pinkie picked up the cupcake and brought it towards her mouth. “Ahhh! Don’t eat me!” the cupcake shouted. Pinkie was still too tired to comically overreact, so she sat down the cupcake and scratched her head. “What?” “Thank you, I was so worried you were going to eat me.” She looked around the room, under her covers, and then leaned over to look under the bed. Pinkie found Gummy chewing on her hairbrush, but could not locate the sound of the voice. “How strange, my blood sugar must be low. I bet a cupcake will help!” She tossed the cupcake up in the air to catch it in her mouth. “Celestia, have mercy! Help!” the cupcake screamed. Pinkie caught it in mid-air. “Well, this is strange. Are you talking to me, cupcake?” “Yes!” “Okay, watcha wanna do today?” “Please I—wait, what? Your cupcake starts talking to you and you’re okay with this? Not to look a gift horse in the mouth, or anything. . . “ “Sure!” Pinkie smiled and set the cupcake down. “I’ve always wondered what it’s like to be a cupcake. I bet I could show you to all my friends, and you can tell them all sorts of stories!” The treat sat there beneath its crown of purple frosting and blue sprinkles, unmoving as it spoke. “Well, your friends can’t hear me, only you can, Pinkie.” A wide frown crossed her face. “Aww, I wanted to have lots of friends see you.” “We could still have lots of friends, just bake some more cupcakes in your lazy-bake oven!” “You mean anything I cook in there will come to life like you?” “Yep! Just don’t cook any muffins. I hate those fu—” “Language! You be a good cupcake, or else!” Pinkie scolded. “Okay, I’m sorry. Just promise you will always be my friend and never hurt me.” “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake—hmm actually, what would I stick in my eye? I don’t want to stick a talking cupcake in my eye.” “Let’s make some more cupcake friends, Pinkie!” The cupcake slid across the nightstand and bumped the on-switch to the oven. “Okie dokie lokie! We’ll make a whole kingdom of cupcakes, and since you’re the first you can be king!” Knock! Knock! Knock! “Pinkie, are you in there?” Dash asked. “We were supposed to go pranking!” “I’m busy, Dash,” Pinkie responded. “You were supposed to throw Spike a pre-birthday-party party,” Twilight added. “Did you forget?” “Nope! I’m busy!” she repeated with a huff. “Pinkie, I’m coming in,” Twilight answered. The door began to glow purple as she forced the lock open. “They’ve come to eat us!” the king of cupcakes said. “Oh no, hide!” a small green cupcake with red sprinkles said. It slid itself into a dresser drawer to hide. “Twilight, you’re scaring my friends!” Pinkie yelled. The door popped open, shoving aside a stack of books Pinkie had pushed against it. Twilight and Dash gasped, their eyes darting around the room. Dozens, perhaps hundreds of cupcakes were stacked on every flat surface in the room. “Uh. . . okay, this has gone past random straight to creepy town,” Rainbow stated. “The destroyer of worlds!” a strawberry treat cried. “A pegasus can eat dozens of cupcakes in a single sitting, we’re doomed!” “Calm yourselves, Pinkie will save us!” the king shouted. “Yeah, these cupcakes aren’t for you!” Pinkie said. “This is my room and if I don’t wanna play with you today then I don’t have to, Dashie.” “Twilight, I think we ought to get Doctor Stable. Tell him Party of One, he’ll know what it means,” Dash explained. “I don’t get it,” Twilight replied. “This has happened before; just go get him, teleport if you can!” Twilight nodded and vanished with a loud pop. “Alright, Pinkie, it’s over.” Dash stepped over the first row of cupcakes. Another row had taken up a phalanx formation to protect Pinkie. “You and I are going downstairs and having a little chat.” “He’s come to steal the All-Mother! Baker of Lives! Creator of Cupcakes!” the king yelled. “Defend Pinkie! Defend the Queen!” the cupcakes began chanting. “Dash, get out! You’re making the cupcakes angry,” Pinkie said. “They’re not real, Pinkie! I’m your friend, not them!” Dash threw her hooves in the air and started flying around the room, knocking cupcakes onto the floor. “Chocolate treats, vanilla icing, they’re just sugar and flour and fake!” “If we can’t have you, no one can!” the king shouted. “Attack!” Dash felt something hit her in the left eye, blinding her. It burned and stuck to her face like the icing on a cake. “Wha—Dammit Pinkie! That really burns my eye!” She felt another cupcake hit her face and turned to shield it while she scraped the frosting off with a hoof. Several more cupcakes leapt at her, covering her wings in frosting and causing the feathers to clump up. “Dashie, you’re hurting my cupcakes! Just go!” Pinkie began to cry as more cupcakes flung themselves to their death. “Ugh, this isn’t over, Pinkie! I’m gonna find a hose to get this icing out of my eye, and I’m going to drag you to see a doctor!” Dash dove towards the bedroom window and found it had already been opened. She vanished from sight, leaving Pinkie alone in the room with her kingdom. “Victory is ours!” the king shouted. “She is my friend, she was just worried,” Pinkie said. “We’re you true friends, Pinkie. We don’t eat ponies like ponies eat us. We’re a peaceful race that brings joy to everypony, yet for all these years you’ve slaughtered us and served us as candy!” “I didn’t know, I’m sorry. . .” “It’s okay.” The king rubbed against Pinkie’s cheek, smearing it with purple icing. “You didn’t know any better. And we’ll make sure Dash and Twilight don’t bother you anymore.” “Wait. . . what are you going to do to my friends?” “What cupcakes should have done a long time ago!” Pinkie looked at the window and noticed the thirty-six special ops chocolate devil cakes with triple fudge and dark chocolate sprinkles had vanished. “You sent them after Dashie!” “It had to be done!” She leapt out the window in search of Dash, landing with a splash in the mud. The hose was still running, but Dash was gone. Pinkie saw some of the cupcakes marching into the house, and ran inside after them. In the kitchen she found the cupcakes, arranged in semi-circles around the oven. They were all cheering and looking inside. Pinkie ran over to the oven, careful not to step on the crowd, and saw Dash inside it. She had a plastic cupcake toy that belonged to Pound Cake stuffed in her mouth, gagging her. Rainbow’s wings were hastily duct-taped closed, and her hooves bound to each other, and then her chest. She was struggling and bucking hard, and the duct tape looked like it wouldn’t hold. The king sat on top of the oven with his royal guard, fastening more tape to the handle, sealing the oven shut from the outside. Pinkie saw it was set to 425 degrees for thirty minutes. She also noticed Dash was covered hastily in icing and sprinkles. They planned to bake her into a cupcake! “Let Dashie out!” Pinkie shouted. She ripped at the duct tape and bit it, trying to tear it all off. Inside, Dash had gotten a hoof free and was pounding against the glass. “She has to pay for her crimes,” the king explained. “Genocide against cupcakes, attempting to steal our goddess Pinkie, and trampling a dozen cupcakes in her escape attempt!” Pinkie followed the king’s gaze to the flattened corpses of a dozen chocolate, flattened cakes near the door. “No, please.” “Dash said she never really liked you, that’s why we gagged her. Cupcakes have always been your true friends, haven’t they? We’ve never lied or hidden from you. We’ve never hurt you in any way.” Pinkie sat down in front of the oven, stopping her attempts to free Dash momentarily. “I. . . Cupcakes always make me happy, but so do my friends.” “Then why not make us your friends?” Pinkie wiped a tear from her eye. “No, friends don’t hurt other friends. Now stop!” She reached for the king, who quickly dodged. His confectionary guard jumped at Pinkie, obscuring her vision with their blueberry icing. The king turned on the gas of the stove, and lit a match. A raging inferno on top of the stove caused Pinkie to back off of her assault. In the oven just below that, Dash had two hooves free and the entire oven was shaking each time she bucked the door. “If we can’t have you, nopony can! Do it!” the king commanded. “Yes, sir!” replied a red and white swirled cupcake. He pushed a large bag of flour over, and it fell onto the open flames. The cloud of flour expanded, catching fire, and causing a large fireball. Pinkie was blown backwards, rolling across and killing dozens of cupcakes. She was covered head to hoof in a rainbow of icing and sprinkles. By the time she got up, half the kitchen was on fire. The king was nowhere to be seen, and most of the other cupcakes were already burning to death. She saw the oven engulfed in flames and knew she couldn’t save Dash. Pinkie crawled outside and lay in the middle of the street. She cried harder than she ever had before for failing her friend. “I told you this would happen if you disobeyed, if you wouldn’t be my friend,” the king explained. Pinkie looked up and saw him sitting there. Half his wrapper had been singed and burned away. “No! You’re a monster! I’m going to do what I should have done when I woke up!” She grabbed him in both hooves, squeezing tightly so he couldn’t escape. “You wouldn’t dare! You’re nothing without me! Nothing!” the king screamed. She shoved him in her mouth and bit him in half. Pinkie chewed and sloshed him around with her tongue, turning him into a velvety blob and swallowing him whole. She smiled, having finally killed the wicked cupcake that had hurt her and her friends. Pinkie heard the top floor of Sugarcube Corner collapse. Mrs. Cake stumbled out of the door carrying her babies. Shortly after her, Mr. Cake stumbled out along with a badly burned Rainbow Dash. “Dashie!” Pinkie rushed over to hug her, but was stopped by Mr. Cake. “Stay back you witch!” Dash spat. “But I tried to save you!” Pinkie explained. “What’s going on here?” Twilight demanded. Doctor Stable stood next to her among the growing crowd of ponies in the street. “It’s okay, Twilight!” Pinkie stated. “This morning one of my cupcakes came to life and raised an army, and he wanted to kill everypony so I’d have to be his friend! But I stopped him!” “Pinkie, you need help. You could have killed us all,” Mrs. Cake said. “She taped—” Dash coughed, trying to steady herself on her hooves. Her feathers, her entire mane and tail, and most of her fur had singed black and burnt off. “She taped me up and threw me in a bucking oven!” “No, that was king cupcake!” Pinkie shouted. “I can prove it, he’s right there!” She turned to the empty wrapper in the street. “Oh no, I ate him! I’m sorry, I was so angry I murdered the king!” Twilight turned to Doctor Stable. “I’m going to teleport Dash to the hospital, can you handle Pinkie?” “It’s what we’re trained for,” he answered. “There has to be another cupcake! I can prove it, they all came alive!” Pinkie ran towards Sugarcube Corner and nearly made it inside before being tackled by a nurse. Just inside the burning doorframe sat the last surviving cupcake. The vanilla lemon cupcake coughed some sprinkles up as it melted in the doorway. “I’ll see you in hell, Pinkie!” “No! He’s right there! The proof!” Pinkie pointed at the cupcake in the door frame seconds before the entire house collapsed. Pinkie kicked wildly trying to free herself when she felt something pinch her flank. There were three or four ponies pinning her down until finally, she felt a wave of drowsiness wash over her. Pinkie relaxed, and found that she lacked all strength to struggle. Doctor Stable had his assistants begin to strap her down to a stretcher. Pinkie felt herself being trapped, but couldn’t move enough to stop it. She looked over at Dashie and tried to speak, but couldn’t even manage that small feat. The stretcher began to be carried away as she saw Dash and Twilight crying, then vanish in a bright flash. Pinkie’s head rolled to the other side where she saw Derpy the mail mare land next to a mailbox. There was a cupcake sitting on top of it, and Derpy smiled before eating it. “No!” Pinkie mumbled. She struggled with renewed strength, knowing that was one of the evil cupcakes. “Stop!” “Nurse, give her more sedative,” Doctor Stable ordered. Pinkie fought her captors as much as she could as Derpy collapsed to the ground choking. The cupcake was killing Derpy so she struggled to warn them. “She! Help cupcake she Derpy!” Pinkie felt another pinch and her vision began to fade to black. She heard king cupcake laughing, and knew he had won.