Honor the Dead

by BinaryTroll

29: Welcome to Canterlot. Bitch.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read/Edited by Honored Service
Chapter 29: “Welcome to Canterlot. Bitch.”

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We sat around a fire in the middle of the Everfree, with Canterlot looming on the horizon. The moon had risen, a small sliver of white in the sky. Joel had recently turned up with YOLO painted on his back in bright red paint. It didn't come off.

Vi raised an eyebrow. “Poison joke I presume?”

“The little blue flowers?” Joel asked.

“Yes.”

“Yeah, I fell into a patch of those.” Joel sighed. “And now this fucking thing won't come off.”

“Have you tried taking your hoodie off?” I asked, still laughing a bit.

“It's literally tattooed onto my back forever, no matter what I'm wearing.”

I erupted into fits of laughter again. “Sucks to be you.”

He sighed. “Quite”

Shyv flopped onto the ground beside me. “I'm hungry.”

I searched my pockets for any traces of food. Nothing. “We need to get some food. Vi, where's the closest vault?”

“You've raided all the ones I know of.” She said. “If you need food your going to have to go hunting for it yourself.”

“Oh good. And for some reason the Everfree seems completely deserted of all life.”

“It isn't, everything is just afraid of you.”

I groaned. “So what the hell do we do?”

“Hunt down your prey, just like any other wild animal.”

Shyv growled. “I can't exactly hunt down gems you know. I didn't inherit that little trait unfortunately.”

I raised a finger. “And also, did you just compare us to wild animals?”

“Yes. Yes I did.”

“Thanks. That's really good for my self esteem.”

Joel sighed. “I really can't be fucked hunting right now.”

I lay back and yawned. “Neither. What do you want to do?”

“Sleep?” Shyv suggested.

“I can't sleep on an empty stomach.”

She raised an eyebrow. “So... hunting.”

I groaned and propped myself up on one elbow. “There had better be something nearby, cause I am really sick of walking.”

“Bye.” Joel said, waving at me before rolling over onto his face.

“Thanks for your help.” I said sarcastically.

“Anytime.”

I strode off into the trees and sighed. I could really use some white meat. Maybe I could find a cockatrice. Or you know, an actual fucking chicken. Although, I wouldn't mind a griffon. Might be interesting. I wonder what dragon meat is like? Probably shit.

I took out one of the dragon scales and examined it. It was one of Zippo's. Geez, I still remember his name. That's kinda weird. Anyway, I ran a finger of the edge of it. It was slightly sharp, but not cutting. It also seemed to be slightly jagged. I flipped it over. It had a bunch of small spines running over it, as well as a piece of what appeared to be meat. Rotting meat. I flicked it off with a finger.

I put the edge of the scale in my mouth and bit down. It was hard, but organic. I tried bending it with my teeth. It flexed but didn't break. Interesting, probably useful for free movement. I threw it up and caught it. Fairly lightweight too. I should send this off to Cameron when Dan finishes repairs.

I sighed and pocketed the scale. I should probably go hide somewhere. Pulling out Luna, I climbed up one of the many trees and lay down on one of its branches. It creaked quietly as I settled myself in for a long wait.

Okay, bored now. I swung down off the branch and landed with a soft crunch on the leaves below, sheathing Luna as I fell. Keeping my ears and eyes open, I quickly but quietly made my way through the oddly still trees. Small rustling noises surrounded me, but they were too quiet to have been made by anything larger that a squirrel or rat. Although, a squirrel might be enough to feed me for a night.

There was a quiet thump behind me. I spun around, instantly on guard. There was a gray squirrel lying on the ground, unmoving. I approached it cautiously. Something about it looked... wrong. I inched closer and prodded it with a foot. It was rock solid. In fact, it was made of rock.

Cockatrice for dinner. Excellent.

I dropped myself into a crouch and scanned the area. No movement. I drew out the ballistic knife and loaded it.
I heard a hiss from behind me and to my left. Spinning around, I brought the ballistic knife up into a firing position.
A pair of glowing red eyes loomed out of the underbrush, accompanied by the outline of a large cockatrice (aka food). I grinned and shot a knife in the general direction of the beast, missing by about a meter. But it didn't really matter. I leaped forward, bringing my left hand around to crash into the cockatrice’s skull. It collided with a satisfying crunch. I propped myself up on my right hand and spun my legs around follow up. I caught one of it's outstretched wings with my toe, sending it spinning to the ground with a pained hiss. I pulled out the combat knife and put the chicken-snake out of it's misery.
Behind me I heard the squirrel stirring. It chattered once and bounded away before I could even turn around. I shrugged and sighed. The cockatrice was large enough to feed both Joel and I for tonight as well as breakfast tomorrow anyway. I picked up my gristly trophy and slung it over my shoulder. Impaled in a nearby tree was my ballistic knife, although it had bent slightly from the impact. I shrugged, it could still be useful.

As I turned to make my way back to the camp, I realized something. I have no idea where the fuck I am.

Shit.

And I just mentally swore twice in as many seconds in actual distress. Man, I really am fucked.

Thrice.

I cut my mind off and sighed. Now would be a good time to think of a plan. Like, how to get back to camp and barbecue this cockatrice. On a campfire. A very hot, bright campfire. That could be seen for miles. By anybody. At all.
Probably combing this place in a grid pattern would be the best idea.

I sighed and started walking. To do this properly I'd need some sort of marker or markers to show where I've been. Also, a bird's eye view would help me get my bearings and allow me to see further. I dumped the corpse of the cockatrice on the ground and started climbing. I reached the upper branches withing a few seconds and looked around. I was met with a thick canopy, with a few small clearings dotted around. And right in front of me, just a couple of hundred meters away, a campfire was burning.

I face palmed. This is why I need caffeine. I swung down from the branch and dropped to the ground with a light crunch. Slinging the cockatrice over my shoulder once again, I set off back in the direction of my friends.

Vi and Joel were quietly conversing about something or other while Shyv silently lay on the ground, her eyes drooping. I tossed the cockatrice into the middle of the group, making them all jump.

“What up?” I said, flicking the bent ballistic knife in the air.

“Dinner apparently.” Joel said, pointedly wiping the cockatrice's blood off his face. “I hope cockatrice blood isn't corrosive.”

Vi frowned. “That would be silly.”

“Says the talking bug pony who eats emotions.”

“That makes perfect sense though. What are you talking about?”

I sat down and started sawing at the neck of the cockatrice with the serrated back edge of my combat knife. “Yes, I can totally see how that makes perfect evolutionary sense.”

“What about you, you talking hairless monkey?”

“Uh, I'm very proud of my hair thank you very much.” I ran my hand through it. “It's blue now. Nice and shiny and blue.” Vi stared at me while Joel and Shyv laughed silently off to the side. “But anyway, I'm not really sure why we evolved this way, but I'm sure I could find out. If I had access to Google. And a degree in human biology. And lots of books.” I paused. “You know what? Never mind.”

“Dinner?” Joel suggested casually.

“Right, that thing, yeah.” I began sawing again.

“Find any gems?” Shyv asked hopefully.

“No but...” I rummaged around in my pocket. “You can have this.” I held out the bent knife blade.

She took it and studied it. “Isn't this one of your weapons?”

“Yeah, but you're more important.”

“Oh, thank you.”

“Also it's broken. So at this point it's not of too much use to me anyway.”

She sighed. “You really do know how to ruin a moment don't you?”

I laughed, with maybe just a hint of sadness. “Yeah, my specialty.”

I finished cutting through the cockatrice’s neck and tossed it away into the darkness behind me, before starting to pluck it. Shyv wrinkled her nose in disgust before biting a chunk out of the broken knife. Vi sighed and settled onto the ground.
“You know, nobody ever thinks about how much of a pain it is to pluck a chicken. It's so boring. Like, 'pick out a feather, pick out a feather, pick out a feather, move the chicken a bit, etc etc.' I mean really, how can people stand doing this?” I muttered, constantly adding to the small pile of feathers by my side.

“Good thing that's a cockatrice, huh?” Joel commented, his eyes closed.

I sighed and flicked a flight feather towards him. “Touché.”

I had speared a stick through the cockatrice and was now slowly roasting it over the fire. “You know, they probably boil the feathers off or something. I think I read that in a book once. But seriously, fuck plucking chickens. Or cockatrices. Or other feathered animals. Even though birds are the only feathered animals. I think. I should look that up. Does a cockatrice count as a bird or a snake? Probably a bird, since snakes are generally known for not having limbs. And the snake tail thing could probably count as scaly legs with a bit of imagination and/or blindness. Why do I care? Because I'm curious. Why am I curious? Because I was born this way. I think.”

“Can you shut up please?” Shyv groaned. “Some of us are trying to sleep.”

“And some of us are waiting to eat. Which is me. And Joel. But mostly me.” I replied, slowly spinning the cockatrice roasting stick.

“That doesn't mean you have to talk to yourself.”

“I'm not talking to myself, I'm talking to Joel.”

Joel put up his hand. “And I'm not listening.”

Shyv sighed. “Either way, can you either talk less or talk quietly?”

“How much you gonna pay me?”

“I don't have any money.”

“In that case, I am physically incapable of shutting up.”

“Ugh. Hey Vi, do you know a spell that can block sound?”

Vi smiled. “All you had to do was ask.”

A green bubble shimmered around Shyv for a second before disappearing into the inky blackness of the night. She contentedly settled back on the grass before closing her eyes. Vi cast her own bubble and lay down in a similar position.

I laughed quietly. “Clever girl.”

“Would've been nice if she could have made me one too.” Joel said, eyes closed.

“What, don't you like listening to my late night rambling?”

“No.”

“Thanks.” I muttered sarcastically.

“You're welcome.”

After a few more minutes, the cockatrice had finished cooking. I took it off the fire and started cutting out the breast, dicing the tail and otherwise preparing it to be eaten. “Dinner!”

Joel sat up, yawning. “Excellent. I call tail.”

“You got it.” I finished slicing and skinning the tail and handed it to Joel. “One tail, as ordered. Anything else sir?”

“That will be all.”

“Very good sir.” I picked up the breast meat I had cut out and started on it.

“You know...” Joel said through a mouthful of cockatrice meat. “You aren't really cut out to be a butler.”

I tore a shred of meat off the ribcage. “Why not?”

“Well, for a start, butlers generally don't wear ragged black coats that look like they've come straight out of Kingdom Hearts.”

“Well sorry for not wearing an immaculate suit.” I muttered sarcastically.

“Also, most butlers have a higher voice than yours.”

“Come on man, have you ever even talked with a butler?”

“Oh, and most butlers don't put on a bad British accent.”

“Shut up. I can't do accents well.”

“I noticed.”

I finished the breast and took one of the wings. “Want one?” I asked, handing Joel the other wing.

“Sure.” He took it and sighed. “Man, you don't realize how good spices are until you lose them.”

“I know eh. First thing I'm doing when we get to Canterlot, buy some goddamn spice. I wonder if Equestria has a Mexico?”

Joel shrugged. “Probably not. Speaking of which, we're almost there. Like, tomorrow afternoon.”

I finished the wing and tossed the bones away. “Heh, better rest up then. I'm running all the way there.”

Joel grinned. “Race you.”

“Tomorrow my friend. Tomorrow.”

I rolled my eyes and yawned. Six hours of listening to rich fools complaining about how they lost money in the war.
At least they didn't lose their lives. Ungrateful little-

“Sister? Are you okay?”

Damn it. “Sorry, we are just rather tired. This is interrupting our normal sleeping patterns, as you well know.”
Princess Celestia, Princess of the sun, ruler of Equestria and my sister, smiled. “Nopony uses the royal we anymore, remember?”

I need coffee. “Sorry sister, continue.”

She returned her attention to the cluster of boring ponies in suits. “As I was saying, yes you do require compensation, but I cannot provide it at this point in time. There are far too many in less fortunate situations than yourself.”

The purple pony she was addressing slammed his hoof down on the table. “They have been dealt with now! This is my business we are speaking about!”

“And it is the future of the kingdom we are concerned about!” Twilight replied, looking positively murderous. I imagine I must have looked much the same at this point.

My sister sighed. “Hush Twilight.” She turned back to the pretentious purple prick.“But she does have a point, your business is currently not required in the repair of the kingdom or helping others in need, especially those who were caught in the worst of the war. In fact, I have half a mind to shut it down right now.”

That shut him up. I scanned the crowd of ponies that had assembled in the throne room. Who was next?

A white pony with a blond mane stepped forward. “In that case, what of the businesses that are required? Why do you not help them?”

My sister's eye twitched noticeably. She glared down at Prince Blueblood. “Probably because ponies keep interrupting me.”

“Then surely you can dismiss them?”

I raised my eyebrows. “Okay then, out you go.” I said, pointing at the door.

“What? But- I-”

“Out.”

“You can't-”

“Out.”

“But-”

My eyes flashed. “Out.”

He hung his head and slowly walked over to the door. Placing his hoof on the handle, he turned. “You'll regret this.”

And then the door exploded in his face.

I felt the wood splinter slightly beneath my foot as I kicked the huge double doors in. I felt them hit a body before
swinging all the way open and crashing into the walls, making the entire room shudder.

“WHAT'S UP BITCHES?” I yelled, spinning Luna and Celestia around my fingers.

I was met with room full of ponies, including Luna and Celestia themselves. There was also another purple alicorn by Celestia's side. She was wearing the element of magic.

“Twilight?” My eyes flicked between the three princesses. “Okay. What the fuck did I miss?”