//------------------------------// // The Passionless Valley // Story: My Little Pony: Amor Esta Magica // by WarThunderBrony //------------------------------// By the time I came to, I found myself in a big murky pool of nameless muck. My clothes were drenched with water all over. I was all alone; there was no-one in sight, not even a sign of Lisa Dbrnouk. My mind drifted back to the days before I applied for the job in All Lee Enterprises. I kept asking myself why I applied for that job, knowing that all I had experienced had led me into the state that I was in at present. Alone in the darkness, I groped about for the nearest possible dry land. After a great deal of searching, I soon found it; it was a small crevice just nice for me to crawl through. Too tired to move after just barely squeezing myself into the crevice, I felt myself slowly withdrawing from the world. I felt great regret that I ever was so tempted by the job in All Lee, and now without anything left to my name, I could consider myself all but forgotten by the rest of civilisation. And so there in that crevice in the darkness, with all those thoughts running through my head, I began to sing. My song was full of the things that a man could easily love but never have. After all, what was not meant to be mine, would never be mine. And los caballos? Had they remembered me? That was but the only thing I could hope for; they had perpetually reassured me of salvation and deliverance, but I had yet to see that come to pass. And about who my real papa was, if not that rat Wladimir Dbrnouk? And what about my wife Donita, back in my hometown in Bolivia — did she still love me after what had happened to her nephew Alvaro, of which her whole family was putting me to the blame for? I certainly had good cause to lament. Love, can’t you see I’m alone? Can’t you give this fool a chance? A little love is all I ask, a little kindness in the night. Please don’t leave me behind, No-one told me love is blind. A little love is all I ask, and that is all. Love, I’ve been searching so long, I’ve been searching high and low. A little love is all I ask, a little sadness when you’re gone. Maybe you need a friend. Hold me please, don’t let’s pretend. A little love is all I ask, and that is all. I wanna spread my wings, But I just can’t fly. As a string of birds, pretty birds go sailing by. Ocean deep, I’m so afraid to show my feelings. I have sailed a million ceilings in my solitary room. Ocean deep, will I ever find a lover? Maybe she has found another. And as I cry myself to sleep, I know this love of mine I’ll keep, ocean deep. “Love, can’t you see I’m alone…” I began again, but something distracted my attention. Something — or someone was pulling my leg literally. “Alberto! You OK?” I recognised Lisa Dbrnouk’s voice. “Lisa! You’re alive!” I cried. “This crevice is very narrow; hold tight and follow me through; we’ll crawl through this together!” Lisa held tightly to my foot, following me on all fours through the crevice, which gradually got wider and wider until it became a cave where both of us could just nicely stand up. “This is the first time I’ve ever been so low in my life,” I said to Lisa. “That’s why this is called the Passionless Valley,” lamented Lisa. “I have never been here before either. Papa would never let me venture beyond my home gates without trusted accompaniment by a servant — and now I know why.” “I still don’t understand why you call him ‘papa’,” I remarked; “I can see that he doesn’t treat you like a daughter.” “You have a point there,” said Lisa. “Tell me a bit about yourself, by the way?” I took a matchstick and some old newspapers, and lit a fire to keep us warm. Then I told Lisa my story. “My papa left the family when I was a baby,” I said. “Mama brought me up single-handedly. We lived in a poor hacienda in La Paz in Bolivia. I always wanted to see my papa, because I’d been ostracised and teased as a kid for being fatherless. Mama never told me where Papa really went. All I know is that when I became an adult, I tried to find a job in the hope that I could find Papa. The last one I had — in the Canaries, where Papa was supposedly hiding, according to Mama at least — let me down greatly. But then along came these caballos of many colours one night, and they began promising me the world. Their promises were all but emptiness. And when I got married, my own wife didn’t want me only after a few days of being a couple, so now I’m here. No-one can be more unfortunate than me.” “I feel for you,” said Lisa. “But tell me this. You mentioned caballos of many colours earlier on. Are you referring to Twilight Sparkle, Derpy, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy….” “SI!” I broke in. “They promised me everything and now this is what I’ve got!” “Let me tell you one thing about the ponies of Equestria, my friend,” said Lisa. “When they promise you something, they will never break it. It’s just that sometimes you may have to wait awhile for the promise to be fulfilled. Do you know that one of the mane 6 elements of harmony, is integrity?” “Si,” I replied. “Just trust them,” said Lisa. “I’ve been believing them for my freedom for the longest time. I’m already 30. If I, a woman, can do so, how much more so you, a man?” I said nothing in reply, but took out some of my reserve-supply cocalero from my wallet and started chewing on it. “Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!” Suddenly from afar, there came the sound of laughter. Distinctly laughter, yes; but it had the air of crying in it as well. Lisa hugged me tightly. “Is that … a ghost?” she cried. “I wonder what that is myself,” I replied. “It seems to be coming from here. Let’s go this way.” We followed the trail of the laughter through this cave, and eventually came out in a small rocky garden filled with weeds and a small stream flowing in the center. The laughter was already within our immediate proximity. “Sounds like it’s here,” I said. Suddenly, we saw something move behind some of the weeds. A little wizened elderly woman was using her hands and dragging herself out from behind those weeds, still laughing. “Are you a ghost…?” cried Lisa. “I am a ghost?” replied the old lady. “I am a ghost….. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!” “Auntie,” I said, “so sorry for the disruption. Are you ok there? Can we be of any help to you?” “Who are you?” said the old lady. “What did that scum Wladimir Dbrnouk tell you to do this time?” We both kept silent, afraid that however we answered might provoke the old lady’s wrath. The old lady turned round and looked at Lisa in the eye. “You are Elisabeth Marie Dbrnouk,” she said coldly, “born on Saint Patrick’s Day in 1988 in Ward 7 of Klow General Hospital.” Lisa was shocked. “How do you know?” she asked. “How do I know?” echoed the old lady. “I gave birth to you, of course I know.” We all were stunned into silence for a moment. “Take off your shawl!” demanded the old lady. “You jolly well show me the back of your neck! You have a birthmark there, do you not?!” Lisa took off her shawl and showed her neck to the old lady, who looked back at her, eyes welling up in tears. Suddenly it all became clear to all of us. “Mama! MAMA!” cried Lisa, running forward to hug the old lady. “So you ARE still alive after all!” “My dearest daughter Elisabeth!” cried the old lady. “Mama missed you so much!” “Sztopp!” shouted the old lady suddenly, noticing my presence. “Who is this man? And why is he here? On orders of Wladimir Dbrnouk, I suppose?” “Mrs Dbrnouk,” I asked, “I’d like to know how we can get out of here?” The old lady’s face turned purple with rage. She spat something really hard out of her mouth — we later found out that it was a date seed. “PTUI!” “Szplitz on szplug!” she cried. “How dare you associate me with that scum Wladimir Dbrnouk! Edna Jorgen I was born, and Edna Jorgen will I remain! Well, young fellow-me-lad, are you not going to bow to me and call me ‘mother-in-law’?!” “Mama,” pleaded Lisa, “Alberto and I are just friends. There’s nothing between us.” “Auntie Edna,” I said, “how did you end up like this?” “Yes, Mama!” added Lisa. “They all told me you died of breast cancer. How come you’re here? And how come you can’t walk?” “Man, you really are that interested to know?” said Auntie Edna. “Very well then, I’ll tell you: the person responsible for the state I’m in today, is none other than that rat Wladimir Dbrnouk!!” Lisa and I were stunned into silence yet again…. * * * FLASH SENTRY: It was a blow for us when Snips and Snails reported to me about Alberto’s latest plight — he had been lost somewhere deep in the seemingly unending Passionless Valley in eastern Syldavia. “No sign of him,” said Snips. “We combed the entire Dbrnouk Manor. Many times over. No sign of him whatsoever.” “What makes things worse,” added Snails, “was that one of Wladimir Dbrnouk’s henchmen — I think this guy called Nikolai — came running after us with a slaughter hammer. If we didn’t beat it fast, we’d have been mincemeat by now.” “Hmmm, the tidings you bring are more serious than I thought,” I lamented. “This Alberto seems to be getting out of one trap and then falling into another one every other day. I think Cap’n Shining Armour deserves to know about it. I’d better bring it up to him at once.” I was about to turn around to go and see my boss Captain Shining Armour, but suddenly I noticed something weird about Snips’s horn. “Wait a minute!” I cried. “Snips, your horn…. er…..” “WHAT?!! Get me a mirror — quickly!” cried Snips. I fetched the nearest mirror I could find and let Snips have it. It was official — Snips’s horn was slightly bent. “This is serious!” I cried. “Unicorn horns cannot be bent, especially not those in colts! You know what, I’d better take you to see Doctor Whooves at once!” Dr Whooves, Eq. M. D. (Equine Medic Doctorate), was our resident medic in Equestria; his polyclinic was located in a hut near Rarity’s carousel boutique in downtown Ponyville. I brought Snips and Snails to see him without hesitation. “The problem is worse than I thought,” said Dr Whooves, after he’d examined Snips’s horn. “Your horn has been infected by the seeds of the Nightmare Plant. As a result of this, your magic has become intermittent, and may not function according to plan at times.” “What’s the Nightmare Plant?” wondered Snails. “The Nightmare Plant bears a great resemblance to a sensitive mimosa plant,” explained Dr Whooves. “The two are indeed indistinguishable on first impressions. With one remarkable behavioural exception: the leaves of sensitive mimosa plants respond to touch, while those of Nightmare Plants don’t. Their seeds disperse in exactly the same way; they are small and sticky, and cling to your fur when you walk by. The Nightmare Plant’s seeds are particularly hazardous to unicorns and alicorns, because it affects the magic in the horn therein, making it intermittent and unable to function according to plan at times, like I said earlier. This is especially true if you’re a colt or filly. And since our friend Snips here is a colt….” “Medic! Is there any cure?” cried Snips. “There is,” said Dr Whooves, “but I’m afraid it ain’t with me right now. The cure pill is the Love Pill, and its plant — the Love Plant, which bears a strong resemblance to a periwinkle plant — is located deep in the very same place where the Nightmare Plant is located, i.e. the Passionless Valley of Eastern Syldavia. You will need to go and find it there.” “Doctor, could you accompany us to find it?” I said. “Shining Armour is going to hold me answerable if anything happens.” “Now why get your boss involved?” countered Dr Whooves. “Wait, I know why — you’re one of those directly involved in the recent Alberto Garcia case, are you not?” “The words are yours,” I replied. “And that is why there is urgent need at present. Could you come with us?” “But of course!” said Dr Whooves. “I am, after all, the Doctor of Love; and this is part of my duty! You need my love baby oh so bad, You’re not the only one I ever had; If you say you wanna set me free, Don’t you know you’d be in misery. They call me Doctor Love! They call me Doctor Love! I’ve got that cure you’re thinking of! Thus Doctor Whooves softly sang, as he packed up his luggages. “Come along!” he announced. “We’re off to Syldavia!” * * * ALBERTO: Meanwhile deep underground in the Passionless Valley, Lisa Dbrnouk and I were still stuck, together with Lisa’s mother Edna Jorgen. Lisa had just covered her mother with her own shawl. “I’d better tell you the whole of my story,” said Auntie Edna, her eyes starting to tear. “Years ago, when Wladimir Dbrnouk and I fell in love, we were still in school together; we had been in the same class since we were thirteen years old each. Back then, Wladimir and I shared similar interests, especially in the ponies of Equestria, as well as in playing Team Fortress 2, one of the hottest online games of all time. I taught him a lot of my gaming skills; I was then the champion of the Syldavian Team Fortress 2 annual championships. Wladimir learned a lot from me. We eventually married. “Then one night a few weeks after Elisabeth was born, that Wladimir told me he had to go to work, so I went to sleep alone. While I was asleep, I felt something pressing down on me and my neck. I screamed and came to, and found that rat Wladimir Dbrnouk trying to smother me!! He did not succeed; I was able to wriggle myself free. I tried to flee but he caught up with me, broke my legs, and threw me down here into this very pit. I have lived here ever since. I suppose that, in my absence, that rat Wladimir Dbrnouk has long since become the TF2 champion of Syldavia!!” “So you say that Papa…” began Lisa. “CALL HIM WLADIMIR DBRNOUK!!!” screeched Auntie Edna. “He is not fit to be anyone’s father! Or husband, for that matter!” “Auntie Edna,” I said, “we can talk about that later. Right now we need to find a way to get out of this pit.” “There … may be a way,” said Auntie Edna, in a much calmer voice. “But as you can see, my legs are broken. We need to work together as a team if we’re gonna get out of here….” “Not unless….. let me see if this works,” I said, suddenly remembering the ponies. Standing up tall, I called out: My little pony! My little pony! A-a-a-ah! My little ponies! Come down and save our very souls! Suddenly, I heard hooves in the distance, and way up above the pit, I saw a few equine heads peeking down at us. I recognised the faces of the two cute unicorn colts Snips and Snails; they had brought two stallions — a yellow pegasus pony and a brown earth pony — along with them. “Come up!” shouted Snails, indicating to the yellow pegasus. “My friend Flash Sentry here will fly down and pick you guys up!” “I’m coming!” shouted Flash Sentry. He flew down and grabbed all three of us and flew us up to ground level again. “Thanks so much!” gasped Auntie Edna. “You ponies are really cute!” she said, smiling for perhaps the first time since I’d seen her, as she caressed Flash Sentry on his muzzle. “Oh, it’s nothing,” smiled Flash Sentry, blushing. “Now guys, allow me to sit on this cute golden unicorn here,” said Auntie Edna, pointing toward Snails. “I’ll ride into the manor and surprise that rat. You’ll see how I’ll deal with him even though my legs have been broken.” “Go Mama!” cheered Lisa, as she carried her mother slowly onto Snails’s back. I took out some bells and put them onto Auntie Edna’s feet, which had now all but lost their sensation. “This way, Auntie, you won’t get lost,” I said to her; “your daughter can take care of you.” “You are too kind, young man,” said Auntie Edna. “Now, gee up, little unicorn!” Snails neighed loudly and cantered slowly forward to the manor gate. Then Snips came up to me. “Alberto,” he said, “my horn feels a little… funny.” “I’m Doctor Whooves, medic of Equestria,” said the brown earth pony, also walking up to me and Lisa. “I came here to find the cure for the Nightmare Poison, which Snips has been diagnosed with, and which I heard Derpy also has — news arrived earlier on that Derpy wanted to go and find you but she disappeared without a trace.” “Is that so?!” I cried. “What the buck is this Nightmare Poison?!!” “The Nightmare Poison comes from the Nightmare Plant which grows all around the Passionless Valley,” said Dr Whooves. “The seeds are especially dangerous when they disperse; they can cause drowsiness in mild cases, and paralysis in more severe cases. They are especially dangerous to unicorns and alicorns; and now our friend Snips has got it, as you can see his horn is a bit bent, and his magic is somewhat impaired.” “So… what is the cure?” asked Lisa. “The cure,” explained Dr Whooves, “is from the seed of the Love Plant, which is eaten the way you normally eat a panadol pill. And I happen to be fortunate enough to have found two on my way here; this can cure but only one entity. We need more than just these two, and the Love Plant is a very rare species. I’ll give the first one to Snips now.” He popped the pill into Snips’s mouth. Snips was cured in an instant; his horn perked up straight. “I don’t think there’s time to waste,” said Lisa; “cos if my papa sees you guys around, he’s sure to send you on a one way ticket to the slaughter house, which is just behind the manor.” “WHAT?!” we all cried in unison. “So your father actually made a slaughter house for horses here?!” I said to Lisa. “Yeah,” said Lisa sadly. “We must go with Mama first. Knowing her, she will most certainly go out of her way to stop Papa from doing anything foolish.” Indeed, we could see Auntie Edna riding slowly up to the gates of Dbrnouk Manor, laughing her “ah, ah, ah” as she went. The gates opened. The sight I beheld completely upstaged me. Apparently, Wladimir Dbrnouk had just succeeded in capturing Derpy. He was sitting on a huge armchair, while a priest — I recognised the face of the All Lee chaplain, Monseigneur Rafael Yoannes Ruiz — stood next to Derpy (who was apparently wearing a wreath of thorns on her mane and dressed in a bridal gown). A lot of other familiar faces were among the guests — I recognised the faces of Ramon Prada, Justino Diaz, Alvin Simoneau, Jaime Lozada, and Jovento Bajaran and his wife Berlinella. A youth wind orchestra nearby was playing, and Wladimir’s henchmen — all of them Syldavian youths between 14 and 18 years of age — were in-line-skating around poor Derpy, doing triple axels as they went, and chanting this rap: A toast to mighty Syldavia, And may G-d save our King! May He bestow all His blessings upon thee, Worthy equine, led to the slaughter; Thou art worthy, so worthy to be praised. Hail, worthy grey pegasus; worthy art thou To receive honour, glory, and praise! Jaya ho! Jaya ho! “And now,” Wladimir was shouting, “let Reverend Father Ruiz come forth to give the blessing!” I panicked for a moment as Monseigneur Ruiz stepped forward, when suddenly Wladimir shouted again: “SZTOPP!!” All the partying stopped. “WHO ARE YOU?!!” shouted Wladimir, as he looked through the gates at the weird sight that he saw — a wizened old woman riding a golden unicorn into the gates of his house. “Ah! Ah! Wladimir Dbrnouk!” said Edna. “Don’t pretend! You have known me for so many donkey years; don’t you dare come and play the fool with me!” Wladimir Dbrnouk’s face turned sullen. He said not a word, but we all knew what he was thinking: “This woman…. I could have sworn I killed her at that time …. so how the hay did she…..?” “Alberto!” suddenly called Derpy. “You came just in the nick of time! They were about to kill me!” Breaking loose, she ran up to me and nuzzled me on my cheek. I held the little grey mare tightly in my arms. “Quick!” I whispered, passing her the remaining Love Plant pill. “Eat this!” Derpy gobbled it up in one mouthful. “Sztopp!” shouted Wladimir Dbrnouk, suddenly noticing me. “Szplug! So it IS you, Alberto Garcia! You still have the bucking cheek to show up here?!” “Papa!” put in Lisa. “You locked Mama in that pit for so many years! This is what has become of her! Don’t you feel ashamed to face her?! Please, confess your wrongs!” “Wrongs?!” said Wladimir. “What do you mean, ‘wrongs’? Who is right and who is wrong here? For your information, cheap woman, it was that old hag who started the bucking ball rolling! You know what she did? She ‘accidentally’ — yeah right — ‘accidentally’ pushed me into the midst of a whole gardenful of Nightmare Poison plants! And as for her Love Plant pill, she corrupted it with some toxins from goodness-knows-where; whether I ate it or not, I would still have died! It is a miracle that I am still alive today!! “And you know what else? Immediately after she pushed me therein, she went onto a TF2 server sans me, and made me REALLY angry; my playing style was never the same again! It made me so FUMING mad that I HAD to attempt to kill her! But now look at you, old hag! Your legs broken, you look nothing more than a smelly old witch! What have I to fear of you this time, woman?! “It must be the will of our Lord! Ah! Ah! I assume you already know, old hag, that your biggest brother Edgard has long since been killed by Bernardo and Isabella Leon?” “WHAT!!” screamed Edna. “Who the buck are Bernardo and Isabella Leon?! And WHO said my brother was dead?!” “And what about your second brother, Edmond?” Wladimir continued his rant. “Do you know that he has since become a friar in the Carmelite Order? Ah! Ah! What more do I need to fear from you, stupid old woman?” Edna’s eyes welled up with tears. “Edgard…. Edmond….. you know what pains I’ve gone through…!” she sobbed. All right, I said to myself, looks like this is a case where BOTH parties are in the wrong. “Derpy and the other ponies,” I addressed my faithful furry equine friends, to whom I now was feeling a lot closer, “let’s go!” “So this woman is actually his wife?” wondered Derpy. “And she was put under lock and key by her husband for so many decades??” “This weird couple are just like the Twits in Roald Dahl’s book,” I said; “they’re always trying to get at each other over the most insignificant matters. Sadly, this is the reality of the world: there are more evil than good characters around.” “SIAM!!!” suddenly shouted Wladimir. We all got jolted out of our reverie and turned around. Apparently Lisa had tried to intervene physically, but got pushed away by her own father. “Mr Dbrnouk!” cried Derpy. “So SHE is your real wife! How COULD you treat her like that?! You already HAVE a HUMAN wife, so why did you want to marry an EQUINE like me?? Even if I, an EQUINE, were to marry you, how do I know that you would not then treat me the same way, maybe worse, than your HUMAN wife?!” “Little worthy pegasus, how can you compare to that old hag?” Wladimir said to Derpy. “I truly and honestly love you too much for my life. I loved riding since young and always wanted a horse for my own. And I knew you had what it takes, so I chose you and gave you the biggest of wedding feasts that no other eye has ever seen.” “Don’t listen to Papa,” Lisa whispered to me; “that’s his way of sweet-talking equines into going to the slaughter. He tells every other pony the same story.” “Thanks, Lisa,” I said to her. Then I turned to Wladimir Dbrnouk, facing him in the eye. “Wladimir Dbrnouk!” I burst out in anger. “You tricked me into getting locked up underground! And while I was down there, you tried to lure my ponies over to your manor! And you even inflicted them all with the Nightmare Poison! You think I don’t know what you were planning — you knew the Nightmare Poison was incurable, so you seized your chance to pretend to ‘marry’ my ponies and then slaughter them! You are nothing more than a savage animal in human clothing!!” “What?!” whispered Derpy, addressing me. “I’m permanently infected with the incurable Nightmare Poison??” “Don’t worry, you’ve already taken the pill of the Love Plant, the one antidote,” I reassured her. Wladimir growled in his teeth. “Prepare thyself,” he said, “for one of us must die!” He produced a huge Cow Mangler 5000, a rather miraculous bazooka, and pointed it at us.…. * * * DERPY: This was really getting more and more complex. After Alberto’s departure to Syldavia, I had heard all about the goings-on via word of mouth; so, without knowing the dangers, I decided to take it into my hands to go and find Alberto on my own. So I flew to the Passionless Valley in the hope that I could find Alberto. The valley itself was a desolate wasteland of weeds, filled with the most interesting plants you could ever find. They seemed to, in my view at least, have minds of their own; they could certainly communicate well, via means of their dispersal of seeds, which was either by wind or by third-party passers-by, like myself — I knew that only after I got it from the seeds of one kind of Nightmare Plant, which were poisonous and stuck to me like they could not let go. These seeds looked like green balls of rubber hair with a blue centre, plus two periscope-like eyes and a pair of hands. I initially did not know what they were, really. However I remember running into this man, this Syldavian man, who was apparently out hunting — he had an AWPer Hand sniper rifle in his hand — shortly after I first found those seeds on me. The man refused to tell me who he was, but he said, “Don’t worry, I’ll help you take those seeds off you. I have an antidote here.” He gave me a cup of weird-tasting liquid to drink, and then I passed out on the spot. When I came to, I remember that the Nightmare Plant seeds had gone, and I was in a stable somewhere. I knew it was a stable because there were other ponies like myself around, mainly Earth Ponies. Also, I found out that I had a number-tag on my right forehoof, with the five-digit number “46664” on it. It was here that I first met the handsome Earth Pony, Noteworthy; he was apparently nomming on some basil leaves when I first met him. “You think this is a stable? You’re sincerely wrong,” he said to me. “This is the slaughter house of the Syldavian multi-millionaire, the landowner Wladimir Dbrnouk. The fact that I am here and I am only an Earth Pony, yet I come from Equestria, was already a big gain for Wladimir. But you are a pegasus, and the fact that this is the first time in history that he has captured a pegasus from Equestria — I can tell you, you’ll be in for it sooner than you think.” “But it all seems so….” I began. “Never you mind,” said Noteworthy. “Like you, Derpy, I come from Equestria — but I’ve lived long enough on earth to know the dangers inside out. I was able to avoid getting into this slaughter house for so long — but I never expected that I was chloroformed one day at my old stable in the outskirts of Klow, and taken here.” “I got here not on my own will,” I said. “Princess Twilight Sparkle, acting on instructions from Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, gave me and my companions orders to go and rescue a bipedal friend, an earthling named Alberto.” “Alberto? That name sounds so drattedly familiar!” exclaimed Noteworthy, his ears perking up. “I don’t know where I’ve heard it before…. but yeah, it sounds like he’s the kind of biped who can’t help but get himself into trouble after trouble.” “He is,” I said. “Right now, Flash Sentry is already involved and is supposed to be finding him, but I’ve got no news from his side yet, so I thought I’d do what I can. I never expected to end up here. If I do have to lay my life down, I will do so willingly.” “Number 46664!” called a henchman. “Guess they’re calling for you,” said Noteworthy. “All the best, Derpy.” “Farewell, Noteworthy,” I said, tears in my eyes, as they led me….. right into the court of Wladimir Dbrnouk. “So!” boomed Wladimir. “For the first time in history, we have caught a pegasus!” I trembled. “By rights, I should be slaughtering you right away, as is the procedures here,” went on Wladimir; “but because you are so damn special, in the sense that you are a pegasus, I will change the procedure. I, Wladimir Dbrnouk, want to marry you, worthy pegasus mare!” The court cheered. I just stood there, silent like a lamb. “Assemble the musicians!” ordered Wladimir. “And get the priest!” A court of youthful Syldavian wind players came forth. Then the priest arrived. I recognised him as Monseigneur Rafael Yoannes Ruiz, an Argentinian from the Society of Jesus who was presently doing mission work in Syldavia. I just stood where I was. Then something took me by surprise. The musicians started to play, while Monseigneur Ruiz walked up to the altar; then a group of Syldavian in-line-skaters came out and started to encircle me and chant their weird “A toast to mighty Syldavia” song. Thank G-d, just as Monseigneur Ruiz was about to start conducting the rituals, my rescue arrived just in the nick of time! The entire rescue entourage was led by whom I later found out was Edna Jorgen, the wife of Wladimir Dbrnouk, whom he had locked underground for so long!! My eyes were finally opened; it was true after all, if he could slaughter humans, how much more so us equines! Alberto popped the antidote pill into my mouth, which he had gotten from Dr Whooves. Other than them, the rest of the entourage included Flash Sentry, Snips, Snails, and Lisa Dbrnouk — Wladimir’s and Edna’s daughter, who was most certainly nothing like her parents. The showdown between Alberto and Wladimir began. I called out to Alberto. “Alberto, are you ok?” I asked him. “Talk to me if you want me dead!” he growled. I was concerned for him deep within; by his weary-looking gait, I knew he too had been infected by the Nightmare Poison plant seeds, so how could he have given me that antidote pill? It was just sheer grace on his part; what made matters worse was that Wladimir was clearly very strong… but seeing that he had to concentrate on this battle, I just kept quiet and let him tackle Wladimir. Alberto knocked the Cow Mangler 5000 from Wladimir’s grasp. The two began to fight for it, using their arms. Using a banana kick, Alberto kicked the Cow Mangler 5000 till it went behind the chair where Edna Jorgen was now seated on. Wladimir ran over to grab it, but Edna spat out a date — which hit Wladimir right smack in the left eye. “AAAGGGHHH!!!!” yelled Wladimir, in great pain. He turned and ran out of the front door. “Papa! NO!” called Lisa. “Elisabeth, if you want your papa, then go with him! Don’t ever let me see your face again!!” Edna scolded Lisa. “Mama! I … ” Lisa tried to explain herself. “Elisabeth, go down to Wladimir’s stalls and set all the horses free!” said Edna. “Horses deserve their freedom, after having been cooped up there for so long!” “Auntie Edna, you mean you actually want to set all the horses free??” asked Alberto. “Yeah! Did we hear you right?” I put in. “The words are yours!” said Edna. “You ponies have suffered worse than I have. You don’t deserve to suffer that way. You need your long-awaited freedom!” She turned back to Lisa. “And one more thing, daughter; the blue pony from Equestria, tell him he can join his companions, who are here to pick him up and take him home with them!” Rejoicing in the Passionless Valley could not have been more rampant than that day. Noteworthy came running out to join us. “Derpy! You survived!” he cried, running up to nuzzle me. “Yeah, I did,” I said, returning the nuzzle gesture. “Let’s hope Wladimir Dbrnouk does not return.” Just then, I noticed something wasn’t very right. “Who are those people over there?” I cried, pointing at a group of familiar and eerie-looking faces in the court. “That guy is not Jovento Bajaran, is he not??” “He is,” whispered Alberto, “but now is not the time to act.” “Ms Edna,” I said to the old lady, “my biped friend Alberto still has not been cured of the poison. Is there another antidote pill with you?” “There is,” said Edna. “I can give it to you, but on one condition.” “And what may that be?” Alberto asked. “Go and kill Bernardo Leon and his family,” said Edna. “They killed my oldest brother. They will regret that they ever did so!” I turned to Alberto. “Are you really going to do what this old witch says?” I whispered to him. “I actually do have my reservations about her.” “I see no reason why I should listen to her myself,” replied Alberto; “I have better ways of finding an antidote myself, anyway, don’t we have Dr Whooves with us?” Noteworthy trotted up. “I think what we’ll do is this,” he said. “We’ll get Dr Whooves to stay here with me and to find the antidote. Meanwhile, the rest of you — Alberto, Derpy, Snips, Snails, and Flash Sentry — can go back to Bolivia.” I looked triumphantly at Alberto…. * * * ALBERTO: And so we set back for Bolivia. When we arrived at the airport in Sucre, a whole crowd of ponies was waiting to greet us at the arrival hall. Looking at how far I’d come since my All Lee employment days, how these furry caballos had helped me along the way, and how much they were acclaiming me despite me having been a little — er — hostile to them at first, I felt touched deep inside me. You could say I was a little too touched to speak. I realised I was now starting to call them “ponies” more often, rather than “caballos”. I could recognise the faces of all the ponies standing before me, and even knew them all by name: Flash Sentry, Derpy, Snips, Snails, and Dr Whooves in my entourage; along with Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Big McIntosh, Braeburn, Soarin, Shining Armour, and Thunderlane waiting us in the arrival hall. I stepped out of the gates and called them all aside. “I need to know,” I said to them, “how news has been lately here.” “Not too good, politically speaking,” lamented Big McIntosh. “Last I heard, the city of La Paz was besieged by troops led by this local Inca centurion named Taddeo Spettro, who immediately proclaimed La Paz a Justicialist city. The Bolivian People’s Army have been called in again. They might well re-conscript you anytime if they need more manpower.” My eyes went wide. “Oh? Is that so?” I said, half upset and half shocked. “If that’s the case, then this is what we’ll do. Snails, come here.” Snails trotted up to me. I petted his horn. “I’ll ride you,” I said to him. “And the rest of you, this is what I want you to do….”