Author note:
Want to catch up on stuff that happened between seasons 3 and 4? Check out Stuff that Happened Between Seasons 3 and 4. You don’t have to read it, but hey, why not more Dreams-verse?
And without further ado, welcome to another season of crack A Dream.
Trixie rolled out of bed and had a good yawn. It was early, and while she didn’t have anything in particular to do today, it was nice to be awake on such a nice morning.
Leaving her bedroom, she went to the kitchen and began to make herself some breakfast. The house she had recently bought was modest, but still more than large enough for just her.
Or it would have been. Combat robots and VTOL aircraft took up a lot of space in the garage.
Since her father Valiant had left Equestria for space and parts unknown, Trixie had taken custody of his equipment and business assets. It was largely a silent venture that provided her with a steady income but little else.
She’d attempted a nation- and world-wide tour in an attempt to find adventure and something worthwhile to do with her life. She had discovered a lot of cultists, including those from the Cults of Awesome, Badass, and Jazz; respectively. Coincidentally, she had also fought a lot of cultists, including those from the Cults of Awesome, Badass, and Jazz; respectively.
While Trixie had been gone, Ponyville had changed quite a bit. Among other things, there was a new librarian and a new restaurant was opening. In addition, Rainbow Dash had apparently experienced a freakishly accelerated pregnancy and could now be seen around town with her little filly.
There had also been the matter of a star-destroying alien in the biz of showbiz. It had taken a lot of effort – including guest appearances by Iron Will and the Flim Flam Brothers, not to mention realicornifying Twilight – but the day had been saved.
Trixie thought a little about Twilight as she ate her breakfast. The purple pupil of the Princess was now a Princess herself. Er, again. There had been significant emotional fallout over the to alicorn/to not alicorn question, and if Trixie wasn’t such a good friend things might have been quite a bit more blow’d up. Or whatever. Either way, friendship was magic or something.
Getting up from the table, Trixie washed her dishes and then went to get her picking kit. She’d needed a hobby since returning from her trip and had hit upon jimmying locks. It seemed like the sort of thing her father would be proud to see her doing. Plus, Ponyville needed a locksmith. Granted, that was mostly to keep the Cutie Mark Crusaders out of things, so business was good.
For practice, Trixie picked everywhere she went. Going from the kitchen to the living room was only a slight challenge. She was getting used to that lock. The garage door took a few seconds longer.
Stepping into the garage, Trixie stared at the rows of silent machinery, covered with tarps and slowly gathering dust. she had the urge to throw the covers off and go for a joyride.
The urge quickly passed and Trixie grabbed her skateboard.
Out on the sidewalk, Trixie kicked off and headed towards the library. There was a new Daring Do novel out and she wanted to see if it had come in.
Along the way, Trixie passed Guinness, the lanky blue pegasus who had knocked up Rainbow Dash. Guinness never seemed to get along with Valiant, even though he was apparently human, too.
He and his griffon business partner named Squibles were opening a restaurant. It was apparently an “Irish Pub.” The entire town was abuzz with rumors about what exactly that might mean.
Guinness nodded to Trixie as she rolled by. Trixie watched as Rainbow and her foal descended from the sky. The filly was so young that her feathers were still growing in, however she had learned how to cling to her mother while Rainbow flew – at a rather gentle pace for a pony like Rainbow.
Trixie remembered that the foal was named Rainbow Catcher. She was a light teal color with golden eyes and a near-copy of Rainbow’s distinctive mane.
Also, despite being his daughter, Guinness had once told Trixie in a nervous whisper that she was something called “the Antichrist.” Trixie was not sure what that meant, but it sounded like a bad thing.
Trixie made her way to the library, picked the door, and went inside. Sunset Shimmer, the new librarian, was there.
The, well, sunset-colored unicorn looked up as Trixie came in. “It-it’s no trouble for me to get up and open the door for you.”
“It’s okay,” said Trixie. “I told you before; I’m just practicing.”
“Okay then.” Sunset lowered her head back to the card catalog in front of her and resumed rearranging it.
Sunset had come to town by roundabout means. After trying to steal Twilight’s Element of Magic tiara, she had tried to start a zombie army in a high school in another dimension. Twilight and Trixie had stopped those plans. Then Twilight had done some irresponsible mucking around in Sunset’s head. The result was a mare even meeker than Fluttershy who was also a convicted war criminal.
It was honestly a little disconcerting knowing that somepony could be so…broken like that. While this version of Sunset was still preferable to the evil version, it still left a lot to be desired. Trixie had never been much for mental magic, and even less so now that she had seen what kind of damage it could do.
That’s not to say that Trixie wasn’t a powerful unicorn in her own right. Between radiation, training under Twilight, and a few fits of pure rage, she had pulled off some amazing things.
Bouts like that were usually concurrent with an excursion of extra legs. Trixie had learned to control her spiderlike side, but it hadn’t been easy.
Speaking of not easy, Twilight had been going through a rough patch lately. After fighting through crisis after crisis, including those caused by Valiant’s exes, she had come a little unhinged. That was part of what led to Sunset’s current condition - Twilight refusing to play nice with the universe.
The new Princesshood combined with a stern talking-to from Trixie seemed to have turned Twilight around. That was good, because just then that very pony appeared through the window.
Broken glass scattered everywhere and Sunset dove behind a desk with a shriek. Twilight struggled to her hooves, wobbling slightly. She shook her head. “Trixie, there you are! We have a serious problem; the Princesses are missing!”
Since Twilight had moved back to Canterlot – to the castle, no less – this was a subject on which she was probably well versed. Trixie was immediately worried, as this information coming from Twilight carried significantly more weight than, say, Pinkie. “Both of them? Er, do you mean all three Princesses? Wait, four, what about you?”
Twilight shook her head. “Okay, I guess I need a better pronoun depending on who I’m talking about. Maybe it could be an acronym depending on whether we’re talking about four, three, or two of us. It could be based on the first letter of our names. T for Twilight, L for Luna, C for Cadance, C for Cel…oh wait, we have two C’s so that won’t work.”
“Go back to the part about missing Princesses,” Trixie said.
“Oh, right. We really need the Elements of Harmony,” said Twilight, instantly swinging back to the topic at hand. “And Trixie, I know you’ve been trying to live a quiet life here, but can I ask for your help, too? I hope things won’t come to be so serious, but I’d appreciate the moral support, if nothing else. I’m sure the girls would, too.”
Trixie nodded. “Count me in. I’ll tell Rainbow what’s up on the way back to my place. Can you round up the rest?”
Twilight spread her wings awkwardly, shaking out bits of shattered glass. “I’ll try, but I’m still getting used to flying, obviously. This disaster has really had me pushing myself to the limit of ability. Probably the worst part is the threat that if we don’t get the Princesses back, I’ll have to run Equestria by myself. Now that would be chaos.”
“The perfect sort, really,” commented Discord, popping his head out of Twilight’s mane.
Sunset squeaked in terror and ducked back behind the desk. Trixie jerked in surprise. “I thought he was dead.”
“It’s a long story,” said Twilight.
Trixie hesitated, but nodded. “I’ll ask when we have time, then.”
She took a last look at Discord, hanging out with Twilight like some sort of fashionable mane accessory, and went out the door.
Rainbow was still outside the restaurant when Trixie sped up on her skateboard. “Rainbow, Twilight’s in town and says we have a serious problem. The Princesses are missing. Get your Element.”
“What, really?” Rainbow gasped. “Oh my gosh, I’ve got to go.” She kissed Guinness on the nose and thrust the baby at him before dashing away.
While Rainbow was, and had always been, a bitch, Trixie did admire the Element of Loyalty’s response to crisis.
Guinness looked uncomfortable, holding young Rainbow Catcher at arm’s length. “Um, Trixie? Can I ask you something? Does this foal have evil snake pupils?”
Trixie blinked in confusion. “She’s a baby, so young you can’t even see her pupils yet.”
“What about the teeth? Do you see the fangs?”
Trixie checked. “She’s going through teething, which I’m pretty sure is normal for babies.”
“What about the aura of palpable evil radiating off him?”
“No. Also, him?”
“It is, uh, complicated. If you see Sir Win, could you send him my way? I have questions about this kid that I am pretty sure only a demon could answer.”
Trixie said that she would and hurried off to her house. There, she prepared for anything.
Preparations for a nonspecific eventuality such as “anything” were remarkably simple. Trixie put on her robe and wizard hat, and picked up her badass M60 machine gun and switchblade.
Thus outfitted, she was now able to accomplish anything, and in fact had been doing so for quite some time now.
Trixie thought about pausing to pick the lock on her front door, just for practice, but decided that she had dawdled enough. Exiting the house the quick way – kicking the door off its goddamned hinges, she leaped on her skateboard and zoomed away to the town square.
The Elements of Harmony were already there. Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and of course Twilight Sparkle were outfitted with their baller-ass bling of golden jewelry.
“All right girls, let’s do this!” Twilight proclaimed, but suddenly nopony was listening. They all had caught sight of something attention-grabbing in the sky.
The thing, whatever the hell it was, flamed like Pinkie’s gayness. It was so on fire that all the chapped asses of all the misbehaving young foals in history were like nothing in comparison.
And it was coming closer. The big flaming thing was boring in on the surface of the planet and getting ready to sock it like a hooker who gave a toothy blowjob. Or if you prefer: give the world a pounding like the whore it was.
All across Ponyville and Equestria, citizens were looking up in amazement and fear. With tones of wonder and terror they jibber-jabbered, quite pissing off Mr. T even from a universe away. As the heavens rent and the fiery meteor streaked through the sky, one question bubbled to the surface, one query was on every tongue. They all wondered, what could it be?
It was me, bitches.