Chapter 9: Game of Thrones
Cassandra has called the Mane 7 to her house for a new assignment. "Before I begin, a question. How many of you have read A Song of Fire and Ice?" Rarity, Twilight, and Rainbow Dash raised their hooves. "I see. And how many of you read them prior to 2010?" Their hooves went down. "Well no matter, not everypony can be a real Game of Thrones fan like me. Anyway, I wanted to show you this." Cassandra had built a fully functioning replica of the 3D model from the Game of Thrones theme song. She pressed the button, and the buildings and landmarks began rising out of the table.
"Wow" said the others, applauding and going wide-eyed.
"Just something I did when I got bored" said Cassandra, "anyway, it leads into today's assignment, we journey to Westeros to teach a warring nation the magic of friendship. We'll split up, and I'm trusting that all of you will do as good a job as me even though you aren't as smart as I am." They were invigorated by her motivational speech, and bravely charged into the portal.
*****
Robb Stark and his blushing bride Catelyn were on their way to their wedding at Walder Frey's castle, when Cassandra jumped in front of them and blocked their path. "Turn back!" she warned, "this wedding is a trap! He's planning to murder all of you!"
"Pah! That's ridiculous!" said Robb, "now get out of our way."
"Ridiculous you say?" Cassandra ripped off Edwyn's shirt to reveal his chain armor beneath. "Why is he wearing chain mail to a wedding?"
"Because I'm cold. Winter is coming" said Edwyn
"That sounds reasonable to me." said Robb, "Cassandra, one Stark has already died, there's like zero chance that another one will. I'm going to ignore your advice." That was his fatal mistake.
*****
Cassandra flew across the Narrow Sea to visit the Dothraki. She was challenged to a fight by Khal Drogo, their fiercest, meanest, and strongest warrior who ate horse for breakfast. But Cassandra was swift and cunning, as well as deceptively strong, so she managed to defeat him.
"I surrender, kill me now." said Drogo in Dothraki language, which Cassandra spoke.
"What is it with you people and killing?" replied Cassandra
"It is the only way to resolve conflict" said Drogo.
"That's not true, you can talk out your problems. In most conflicts, both sides have some valid points, and you'll be surprised at how easy it is to come up with a solution where no one has to die. Here, look." Cassandra pointed at two Dothraki who were arguing over a horse carcass. They were yelling and swearing at each other, and just about to draw their swords when Cassandra came over,
"Stop right there! I'm here to show you the magic of friendship!"
"Magic?" said one of the Dothraki skeptically.
"That's right. Now I want you to draw your sword and slice in half-"
"the other guy, yes yes I know."
"No, slice the carcass."
"Well ok, but I don't see what good that'll do." He bisected the horse.
The other Dothraki gasped, "there was one just a second ago, and now there's one for each of us! What magic is this"
"You shared," said Cassandra, "you both got some and no one had to die. That's the magic of friendship."
The tribe was awestruck, they applauded Cassandra.
"Cassandra," said Khal Drogo, "you were already an honorary Khal, there is no further title we can award you. What reward can we give you for teaching us about friendship?"
"You can spread the magic of friendship, use your strength for good. Use your men's strength to build fortresses and cities out of rocks. They will protect you from the elements so that you don't need to be nomadic anymore, and don't need to kill and maim for food. Take up farming; if grass can grow here, so can other plants. Even though I'm not an earth pony I'm an expert in agriculture. Heck, you might even be able to go vegetarian once it takes off. See this might be surprising but I'm not exactly cool with you guys eating horses."
And thus, the Dothraki abandoned their barbaric ways and Essos became a blooming garden of peace and love.
*****
"sup Pod, did that technique I taught you work out?" said Cassandra.
"Yeah it was alright."
*****
"Cassandra, you've got to help us! White Walkers are attacking The Wall!" said Jeor Mormont
"Don't worry, I got this" she flew down to the opposite side of the wall where the army of Whitewalkers awaited. Cassandra roundhouse kicked them as they advanced, sending them fleeing in terror. As they got closer, she drew out her sword and began slicing away at them.
"Help me Cassandra!" cried Sam, who had become surrounded and was surely not long for this world. But luckily Cassandra was there to swat off the Whitewalkers, and then, using her level 99 strength, she lifted Sam up and carried him to safety on the other side of the wall. She gave his some hot chocolate and tucked him into bed. Saving a friend activated the Elements of Harmony, and since Cassandra had the special ability to wield the full power of the Elements herself, she blasted the Whitewalkers away.
The day was saved, and Jon Snow was so grateful that he kissed her.
*****
"I am conflicted" said Loras Tyrell, "I cannot hide my true feelings, but, I could be executed if they find out."
"Well pardner, ah am th' element of Honesty so ah'm gonna advise you ta tell th' truth" said Applejack.
"I will. Thank you, Lady Appleack"
He reached out his hand to stroke her mane, but she slapped it away, "don't touch me, flowerboy."
"Oh, sorry." He ran out onto the balcony, and yelled to the crowd below, "Attention! Attention everyone! I have an important announcement. I, Ser Loras Tyrell, am gay!" There was silence from the ground for a brief moment, then the sound of crossbows firing, and an "AAAAUGH" from the soon to be former knight.
"I just don't know what went wrong." said Applejack.
"Hey Applejack, what's all the commotion about?" said Cassandra, coming into the doorway, "I arranged for Arya to marry Loras."
"Yeah, erm about that..."
"Applejack, it's a wonder that I don't throw you into the Narrow Sea" said Cassandra, demonstrating truly remarkable restraint.
Jaquen H'gar came into the room. Applejack knocked over a statue because she's a clumsy pony, but Cassandra caught it right before it fell on and crushed Jaquen H'gar.
"The pony has saved a man's life. A man owes you one death."
"Give me infinite favors or I'll make you kill yourself, Jaquen H'gar" said the beautiful and cunning Cassandra
"Fuck, the man has been tricked again!" said Jaquen.
"King Joffrey, Circe, Tywin, Theon, Baelish, and The Hound - plus anyone else who gets in the way." said Cassandra.
"And Daenerys Targaryen" said Spike. The others looked at him quizzically. "What? She's making a mockery of the dragon race! That's seriously not cool! Jaquen, I know you don't usually take requests for methods of killing, but can you make this one slow and painful?"
"A man will see what he can do."
Jaquen H'gar and Cassandra killed all the bad guys and brought peace to Westeros. Tyrion got control of the Iron Throne and brutally executed anyone who made a joke about his height, which had the added bonus of solving the overpopulation problem. Winter came, but the ponies wrapped it up and everything was fine. Applejack survived because only likable characters die in Game of Thrones.