Pony Hellsing
IMPORTANT! = This story is a parody of the anime show 'Hellsing'. More specifically, it is a parody of the Abridged version of the show. There will be much use of naughty language and sexual references. Otherwise, enjoy the story! You blood-sucking Edward Cullen-wannabe fuckbuckets!
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Luna's night sky was brightened by her thousands of of tiny stars which dotted the darkened heavens of her beautiful canvas, and also by the light of her magnificent moon, which shone down upon the foreboding Everfree Forest below. Save for the screeching of some bats out on the hunt, and the occasional hooting of an owl somewhere within the forested area, everything was otherwise cryptically peaceful, eerily quiet.
Or at least it was, until somepony started to sing to himself, as he stood concealed behind a thick bush, urinating on to the forest floor.
"I'm taking a whizz, I'm having a wee, I'm singin' bout' piss, while releasing my pee", sang Unique, swaying his head side to side as he drained his stallionhood of its pent-up liquid waste.
"Are you nearly done yet?", an annoyed voice exclaimed from behind Unique. "You've been back there for over seven minutes now! Nopony pisses for THAT long!"
Unique shouted back over his shoulder, "Well, I can't help it if Unique Jr. needs to be emptied now, can I?". The flow of his urine began to slow down at that moment. "Hold on, I'm about done here."
When his flow of urine came to a halt, Unique shook off the last few drops from his member, before tucking it away into its sheath. Kicking a pile of dirt over the yellow puddle he had made, Unique turned around to exit the bush, straightening his hat as he went his way.
"Alright, alright, I'm done. We can go now."
Unique glanced over to the tree which his companion was leaning against. He was a grayish-coated zebra with black stripes, though he had upon his head a unicorn's horn, which he had explained long ago was due to his parent's breeds (his father was a zebra, his mother a unicorn).
Unique found it funny he actually remembered hearing that. He could have sworn he was ignoring him at the time. Oh well.
The zebra/unicorn was fidgeting with several strands of glowing ethereal wire between his hooves. These wires were created by his magic, and served as his primary weapon of choice in battle, extending the length of these wires and slicing his opponent's into bloody ribbons, clean through their flesh and bone like a heated knife through butter. He also wore a short brown vest over his torso, the insides of which had pockets where he kept special Sound Crystals. He used these to record and playback the agonizing screams of his enemies as he obliterated them, apparently a past-time hobby of his.
His disturbing hobby was probably why he and Unique got along so well as if they were the best of friends (sarcastic emphasis on 'friends'; they hated each other, really). Who wouldn't enjoy falling asleep at night with the sounds of dying ponies looping over and over again in their ears?
The zebra glared at Unique with blood-red spheres, his annoyance at having to wait for the pegasus to finish going potty transparent on his face. "That's eight minutes now you've been back there," he grunted. "Who the fuck pisses for eight minutes?"
Unique bared a chesty smile, revealing his fangs, stained red with blood, glimmering in the light of Luna's moon. "Your mother, that's who, Walter!", he cheekily replied.
The zebra rolled his eyes and leaned away from the tree, so that he stood upright upon all four hooves. "First of all, as I tell you over and over again, my name is Cobalt, not Walter," Cobalt said flatly, eyes narrowed at Unique, "and secondly, if you're going to give me a comeback, at least TRY to make it clever."
Unique lowered his head, but kept his gaze fixed on Cobalt, and a grin on his face. "If you want my comeback, you'll have to scrape it off your mother's teeth.", he chuckled darkly.
A splatter of blood coated the tree behind Unique, as Cobalt, standing on his hind legs, willed his magical wires to slice off the pegasus' right arm, using his hooves to co-ordinate his attack. It lay upon the forest floor, twitching and writhing. Unique looked down to it, and laughed. "Oh come on now, Cobalt," he said, as he bent down to pick up his severed arm. He pointed to the not-so-amused zebra with the arm in his hoof. "I was only kidding, buddy. I'm sorry.". Cobalt relaxed a little as he said this, and his wires began to fade away as he cancelled his magic.
"Your mother actually swallowed the lot!", Unique quickly added, with a madpony's smile.
More blood splattered across the tree as Unique's remark lost him his other arm, both of them lying on the ground in front of him, both twitching, slowly dyeing the green grass red with blood.
The zebra stared hard at the armless-pegasus, readying his magical wires. "Anything else you want to add? Or do I need to cut you down to size, literally?". Cobalt's voice was serious, cold. He didn't take well to Unique's sense of humor most times, though he did find slicing the cocky bastard up now and then to be therapeutic, in an odd, sickening, deranged sort of way.
Unique was about to make another remark when suddenly...
Shake that flank at me, shake that flank at me, oh girl, shake that flank at me, shake that flank at me...
Cobalt raised an eyebrow at Unique, his glowing wires wavering a little. "What the hell is that?"
"Oh, that be my ringtone, bro," answered the pegasus, still smiling his mad grin. "You like it? It be bitchin', yeah? It's Emin-Mare? Get it? Huh? Get it? Emin-Mare?".
No response. Cobalt just stared at Unique expressionlessly. Silence fell between them for the few awkward moments that followed, save for the sound of the ringtone still looping the same line over and over again.
Unique coughed. "Yeah, well, anyway, I'm just going to take this call now." He chuckled. "You know how much of a boner-killer the boss is, am I right? Right?"
No response. Cobalt just stood there and looked at him expressionlessly still.
"Ah, go play with traffic, ya sour puss."
The pegasus then began to shuffle his shoulders, grunting in agitation. He then remembered that he was lacking what he need to get the phone out of his coat pocket.
Arms.
And both of his arms were on the ground right by him. "Well...shit."
Unique looked to Cobalt again, putting on an innocent puppy-eyed face for the zebra. "Would you mind taking this call for me?", cooed Unique, batting his eyes at the unimpressed Cobalt. "I'd answer it myself, but, well...", he nodded to his bleeding shoulders, "right now I'm as disabled as the Black Knight from that Monty Python movie I like." He gave a short giggle. "Heh heh, 'flesh wound'. Funny shit right there. It's funny cause' he's obviously screwed."
Cobalt sighed wearily as he strolled over to Unique. "Pull yourself together, won't you?", he said as he reached inside of the pegasus' right pocket. Not finding anything in there, he searched the other pocket. Nothing in there either.
"Have you tried looking between my butt cheeks?", suggested Unique, smirking.
"Screw off, Unique!", Cobalt spat in angered annoyance. "For once, could you just not be...yourself?"
Unique bit his lip, which he regretted doing quickly after, since he accidentally cut it with his sharp fang. Spitting out his blood, he cleared his throat and replied to Cobalt, in an awkward tone, "Actually, it, er, wasn't a joke. I seriously meant checking my ass."
Cobalt deadpanned. "What?"
Unique gave an awkward chuckle. "I sometimes keep my phone in my ass, so that if and when the boss calls during or before a mission, she speaks to my butthole, okay?", he explained.
Cobalt blinked. "Why would you do that?"
Unique shrugged. "She talks crap most of the time. I thought she'd get along well with my ass."
Cobalt stared at him in disbelief. "Please tell me you are taking the piss here, Unique."
Unique shook his head. "Sorry, Cobalt. Looks like the one time you want me to be serious is the last time you'll ask me to be, eh?"
Cobalt backed away from the pegasus in disgust. "I am NOT putting my hoof anywhere near your ass, you sick creature!", he exclaimed.
"Well, maybe if you didn't sever my arms, we wouldn't have had to cross this bridge, would we?", Unique stated matter-of-factly. "Besides, what if it's something very important? The boss could be in danger for all we know, and this is a distress call. Would you want to take that risk?", he pointed.
He began to turn around for the zebra, whose face had contorted into a look of disgust and embarrassment. He bent over, causing the zebra to turn his head away, throwing his hooves up in front of his face. "Be gentle, please," Unique laughed, unable to resist ignoring the hilarity of the situation right now. This was the sort of thing one would expect to see in some cheap cheesy comedy show, or in some low-rated comical story
Funny enough about that last one though...
Cobalt took a quick peek at Unique's butt. He sighed in defeat, and waved his hoof in the air, making an imaginary crucifix. "Celestia show mercy on me and us all," he prayed, as his hoof moved slowly towards Unique's rear, the pegasus giggling all the while.
Cobalt closed his eyes as he prepared for the inevitable. His hoof was just a few inches from touching Unique's rear.
"Just a little more, now," piped Unique, teasingly.
Cobalt's hoof was so close now, only an inch.
"Almost arriving in poo-bay, Cobalt."
Cobalt braced himself for contact...
And instead felt a rush of wind blow into his face, a rush of wind straight through his mane, and a burning sensation in his eyes. The air suddenly smelled foul and unpleasant, the stench causing Cobalt to choke and gasp for oxygen. His asphyxiation dilemma was interrupted by the sound of a hysterical laughing fit. He then saw, much to his confusion and shock, Unique rolling around on the ground, his face red with glee as his legs flailed wildly and pounded the forest floor.
"AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TOTALLY FUCKING BOUGHT THAT! A PHONE UP MY ASS? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I KEEP IT IN MY ARM SLEEVE THE WHOLE TIME! OH CELESTIA CHRIST, THAT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
Cobalt covered his nose with a hoof to prevent the foul smell from offending his senses, and looked over to where the pegasus' arms lay. He saw something vibrating inside one of the severed sleeves, shaking wildly. Cobalt could have sworn at that moment he popped a blood vessel somewhere, as absolute rage overcame the zebra, his face red from the humiliation, and the incredible feeling of seething fury building inside of him. He was practically a volcano set to explode.
"Oh for the love of Celestia, you are just a treat, Cobalt!", laughed Unique, as he started to calm down from his hysterical fit. He was about to wipe the tears streaming down his face, but remembered his lack of arms. He frowned in irritation. He was going to have to ask Cobalt to hold them close to his shoulders so that they could reattach themselves. That was the best thing about being a vampony, he supposed; he could regenerate his limbs and body parts, so long as they were close enough to him.
Well, actually, the best thing about being a vampony was that he got to stay up as late as he wanted. He'd still be up watching late-night mare-on-mare movies, while everypony else was in bed, getting their 'beauty sleep' so they could get up and go to work in the morning, in some shitty office where their boss constantly yelled at them all day.
Which, now that Unique thought about, was pretty much how things were for him. Huh, perhaps there wasn't much difference after all.
Unique shrugged, and sat himself up. "Hey, Cobalt," he called out, not looking in his direction, "you wouldn't mind helping me put my arms back on, would you?"
No response. "Cobalt?", Unique asked again.
No response. Unique rolled his eyes. "Oh, come now, Cobalt," he groaned, turning his head in the zebra's direction. "You're not mad with me, are you?"
Unique's eyes shrank, his face contorted into an expression of terror, and he felt a huge lump in his throat, as he saw hundreds and hundreds of long glowing wires heading straight for him, brutal and sharpened, their owner, Cobalt, staring poisoned daggers at the pegasus, baring his teeth in pure anguish.
Before the wires ripped into his body, Unique sighed to himself. "Oh, fuck all kinds of duck..."