//------------------------------// // That Damned Letter // Story: Devious Days with The Devil's Daughter // by EveningShadows //------------------------------// Benefit number 6,038 of being a chaos goddess. I don't have to deal with hangovers. I mean yeah they hurt when I wake up. But really they only hurt until I snap my fingers and *poof* totally fine. Not that I'm going to tell Entropy about that. Or that I can do that same thing to other ponies. Poor little dude can suffer. I smiled to myself. "What is that smile for?" Entropy groaned out. "Wha-?" I admit I wasn't paying much attention. It took me a moment to realize I had been smiling oddly at him. So. So smooth. "Err. I just love the smell of coffee in the morning." Lucky me, my cup was pretty close to my mouth so it was a little believable. I took a sip, I wasn't trying to hide a blush or anything. Yup. He didn't even respond. I... think be believed me? Maybe. I need more coffee I thought to myself as I looked into my 3/4s empty cup. "Hey can you get me a cup of that?" He 'said' with his face mushed into the table. "Sure... How do you like it?" "One cream, one sugar." I fixed him up a cup and refilled mine. The moment I set it down he snatched it up and took a too-big gulp... And his face lit up like a pheonix. "Hot! Hot! Hot! Way to hot!" Idiot. I snapped my fingers, cooling him down. "That was the stupidest thing I've ever seen," I deadpanned at him. "I should have stayed in bed," he groaned out, once again with his face mushed into the table. "But then how would you get your coffee?" He glared at me. I smiled innocently back, pretending not to notice his glare. He took a normal sized sip and his glare lessened. My smile got bigger. His glare got deeper again before he turned away from me. "What's for breakfast?" Great, Entropy, pretend it never happened. I rolled my eyes. "Guess I'll make something," I said as I walked over to the fridge. I got a surprise when I opened it. You guys are gonna laugh. I didn't, but Entropy did. I was pretty ticked. The moment I opened the fridge my first present was a geyser of chocolate milk to the face. I was stuck, standing stock still during the entire process. It tasted a little minty. When I could finally hear over roar of chocolate milk in my ears the only thing I could hear was ringing and laughter. "Come on, Dad, its Hearths Warming for gods' sakes." That just brought more laughter. Uuugh. Maybe I should have stayed in bed too. "I'll be in the shower." Chuckles were my only answer. One mentally rejuvenating shower later I came to the kitchen to see a human eating pancakes, in two inches of mint scented chocolate milk. It hadn't soaked into the carpeting of the next room. For whatever reason it stopped like glass was in it's way before hitting the carpet. I sighed, snapping my fingers to disappear the damn stuff. Now look I know I could have done that with my coat too but I needed the shower for sanity's sake. "You made pancakes?" They smelt delicious. "I didn't make 'em," he said while turning around. When he saw me he put on a smirk, "you look pretty good with your hair wet." I blushed. A lot. Not gonna lie. I mean. I know I'm sexy but its nice to hear it, ya know. I... uh... wasn't sure how to respond. 'Luckily' he didn't let me. "You'd be pretty bangable if you were human." Was that a sex thing?! I'd never heard that word before. Fine, aliens, I admit it. Ugh. My face was as red as a tomato. "You want some pancakes?" His smile was too big for his face. The bastard was enjoying my... er... squirming... Okay look there aren't a lot of dating chances for a young draconequus. Shush. Its not like I'm a virgin or something. I mean I've dated... "Uh... Yeah, I'll take some pancakes." When I sat down he hoofed over a plate and pointed to the stack of them in the center of the table. "Blueberry and chocolate. There pretty great." I hummed a yes through a mouthful of them and took a drink of my now-cold coffee. "So your a virgin aren't you?" And guys, aliens, I did a spit take. I'm not proud of it. "WH-WHAT?! NO!" How did he--! I mean why would he think something like that?! "I've done it tons of times!" "Riiiight," he said through laughter. Oooo I wanted to tear that grin off his face. "Hmph. I've, uh, done it plenty of times." "Mmhmm," he said with a stupid smirk on his face, "Well then, do tell, Sex Goddess, whats the dirtiest thing you've ever done." He said it through a grin that looked like he was plotting a prank on somepony and I was in on it. "I, uh... Its impolite to ask a lady something like that!" I glared at him. There wasn't a blush. Swear. "Mmhmm," he hummed at me. "Whats... Umm... Whats the dirtiest thing you've ever done?" I bet he doesn't even have a story! He took a sip of coffee and when he brought it down he had a small smile on his stupid face. "Well I don't think a silly little thing like you could handle the dirtiest thing." If looks could kill... "But one time in high school me and a girl scout had sex in the baptismal font at the local church. Good times." He said it in that casual, blasé tone I'd always tried for. I mean had. "Err... Uh... Thats... nice. I guess." He took a bite of pancake. "So... can ya beat my story?" "Uh... no." I mumbled at him. "You know its okay to be a virgin." Gods this is embarrassing. "How... Umm. How did you know?" He popped another pancake into his stupid mouth. "Its pretty obvious, Eris. Really only virgins say they've 'uh, done it'." He chuckled. "I... see..." I'm gonna have to remember that... We sat in silence for a while just eating. It wasn't a very comfortable silence. I guess it was for him but screw him! "Oh hey, I almost forgot. You got a letter. It was in the fridge." He hoofed over an envelope with my name written on it. I noticed the seal was broken. I also ignored the fridge-thing. Bucking Discord. "Did you read this?" I asked him. "Nope, seal was broken when I found it." Right... I mean he didn't sound like he was lying. And that is something Dissy would do. I shrugged and opened up the letter. Happy Hearth's Warming Oh, I guess you do capitalize that. I'm sorry I couldn't be there to have breakfast with you. I've got plans with your Aunts this morning before Luna falls asleep. Hint. It involves mint chocolate milk. I found a great holiday brand last week! Oooo he is so gonna get it! I made you blueberry and chocolate pancakes. We both know about your luck with pets and chocolate is toxic to some of them. So just make sure its okay for him to eat it before you give it to him. We want this one to last longer than most of your pets! Lots of love! Discord I didn't notice at the time but my claws were white knuckle tight and tearing the paper. "Ch-Chocolate?" How did I not think of this?! "Oh gods!" My heart thumped like a hammer against my rib cage. My poor pet was looking at me with an eyebrow raised. "Eris, you don't have to--" "I have to get you to a hospital!" I yelled the moment I got control of my body. I stood up quickly, knocking my chair onto the floor. "Eris, I can--!" I snapped my claws and teleported us to the hospital, with his chair, fork with a small bite of pancake on it, and all. "Help! Help me!" "Seriously..." "Its my pet!" That secretary was deadpanning at us. "He ate chocolate!" "Eris, its fi--!" "He needs to get his stomach pumped!" "Eris!" "Get somepony out here!" *splot* Everything was silent. I looked at my nose and saw a hand, attached to a fork, attached to syrup dripping pancake. It was on my nose. I tracked the hand the other way and saw a human with an amused smile on his mouth and an annoyed glint in his eyes. "Eris. I can eat chocolate. I'm not a dog." "Re-really? So you're going to be fine." "Yes. Yes I am. And if you'd just listened to me we could still be having breakfast right now." "I--" I looked around the hospital. Everyone was starring at us. The receptionist was facehoofing. An orderly was glaring at us. I snapped my claws and set us back down in the kitchen immediately. Entropy looked around for a moment. "Oh good." I took the pancaked fork off my nose, chucked it into the sink, and grabbed a new fork. "Err... you left my chair." Oops... "I'm not going back there. I'll just make you a new one." I snapped and formed a brand-new, identical chair at the table." "Great," he said with a sigh, then went back to his breakfast like nothing had happened. After I cleaned off my muzzle I sat down too. "That was really sweet you know," my human said from around a coffee cup. "I mean don't get me wrong the hysterics were annoying. But its nice knowing that you'll freak out if I die." "Err. You're welcome. I guess... I'm just glad I didn't kill another pet." He frowned. Ooo, maybe I shouldn't have said that. "How, umm, how maybe pets have you killed?" "I, umm... I have a fully stocked graveyard..." "I'm sorry what was that?" "I said my old pets can fill a graveyard..." He deadpanned me for a full 5 seconds. "Well that's just wonderful." "I, err... sorry." "You know, taking care of your own human is a big responsibility." "Umm--" "I'm not entirely sure that you can handle it." "I--" "You've got to feed them, water them, clothe them, clean them, give them good booze, give them good literature, make sure they don't fall into psychotic fits, keep fast, working internet. It can be very complicated." I'd expecting this lecture from my dad. Gotten it actually, many times. I never expected to get the 'pets are a big responsibility' lecture from my own bucking pet. Wait... "What was that last one?" "Oh you need to keep a fast, working internet connection in your house at all times. Speaking of which we need to get a computer." He smiled at me. "No the one before that." He tilted his head to the left, just like a dog. "You've got to give me good books. I like to read." "No, no in between those two. What was that about some kind of fits?" "What fits?" I swear I heard something about some kind of fits. It sounded like psychic-murder-fits... That doesn't sound right though... "Err. Nevermind." "Sure, sure." He had a smile I almost couldn't see. After we finished breakfast and I snapped through a quick clean up we just kinda hung out on the couch. We chatted a bit, nothing important. Then he brought up something. Something I can only describe as the-most-awesome-thing-of-all-the-things. "I think we should prank Discord." YES. "You know, to get back at him for that chocolate milk thing?" SO MUCH YES!!! "Hmm... I like it." I said it in a deceptively casual tone. Wouldn't want him gettin' uppity an all. "What do you think we should do?" "I think we should fake a death." "This is a terrible idea..." "Then why are you doing it?" "I've already put on running mascara! We're to far in!" "That's the spirit!" You might be a little bit lost. That's fine. We all get a little bit lost in life. Its nothing to be ashamed of. It happens. Oh! Right I bet you're lost about the story! Okay. Yeah I can see that. Its a little complicated. I doubt those little oddly-shaped-heads of yours are to great with keeping track of things. I mean yeah... there was a time skip. But you should be able to string it together! We're pranking Dizzy! And it involves running mascara. As all good pranks do. Kay, let me set the scene. I was crouched dramatically in front of the Heart's Warming tree, looking away from the doorway. My face was wet with 'tears' and make up ran down my face like streams. My hair was splayed out covering most of my face. I mean I was looking down already so its not like that was a stretch. But it added some shadow that'd make me look sadder than I was. Entropy was around the corner in the hallway. Waiting as he'd said 'for the lulz.' Whatever that means. I never figured out why, but every time Dissy gets home he always appears on the front porch and comes through the front door. I don't know why. I always just teleport to whatever room I want to be in. Its weird. But it was good for us. We didn't want him seeing my face in case I couldn't hold that grief-ey face. Everything was set, the only thing we needed was Discord. So we waited. And waited. Then Entropy brought up this little gem. I know, I know, he's a bit slow. "Okay, Eris, help me out with something. So Discord made those pancakes, and then he put them in the fridge. But they were as warm as if they'd just been cooked. How does that work?" What a dumbflank. Right? Its just a fridge. A simple time holding spell. I mean I know they're pretty fancy but I can't believe he's never even heard of the damn things! "Err... its just a fridge. You have fridges where you come from right?" He deadpanned at me. I don't know why. "Fridges usually keep things cold where I'm from. Not eating temperature. How do you even keep germs from growing on your food if it says warm?" No clue what that growing yerms line is all about. Weird-o. "Its just a simple time holding spell. It keeps time from passing on the food. Look I know its a bit expensive but I can't believe you've never heard of it." "Time holding spell... Right. I guess that's a thing here. I don't know why I'm surprised... You know there's no such thing as magic where I'm from? Wha??? "No magic where you're from? How does that even work?" "There's just no such thing as magic. I mean there's plenty of people that pretend but its all lies and illusions." "Gods that's weird." "... Here's something wierd. Maybe you could enlighten me. If you're a god, why do you cuss by invoking the gods?" "Umm... Well how else am I supposed to swear? 'Oh mortals that's bucked up!' Just sounds stupid, right?" "That... makes a lot more sense than what I was expecting." "And what were you exp--?!" "Sshhh! He's coming!" Now you all may not know it but I am a wonder~ful actress. Seriously. I am like pro status. Don't believe me? Typical. You worm-toed aliens should trust me more. I mean I am The Goddess of Strife. I've gotta act to do my job! What kind of strife could I sow if I couldn't sneak my way into ponies' lives and mess with them? Not enough. So trust me when I say that I am devious as a changeling. Anyway. When Entropy shushed me (like a dick) I slipped in some quick eye drops and started sobbing lightly. I clutched at my stomach and tried to pull my whole body into myself. "Happy Hearth's Warming! I'm ho--" Guess he saw me. I smiled at the floor then let out a full bodied shiver and a choked sob. I heard his hoof steps moving to me quickly, "Eris... What happened?" He crouched down behind me and wrapped his arms around me. I let out another big-shiver when he touched me. I didn't let him see my smile. Hiding my face was a good idea, this was all just to juicy. "Oh Daddy," I 'choked out, "something awful happened and its all my fault." I let my voice falter slightly at the word fault. "Wha--" "I should have paid more attention!" I cut him off. "I should have known this was going to happen. This always happens to my pets..." I let that hang in the air for a few moments. I heard Dizzy start to say something and cut him off before he could, "If only I hadn't taken that shower... I just. I just needed to clean myself up. If I had just stayed and watched him he wouldn't have eaten that chocolate..." OOOOO!!!! There it is! The big guilt-er! Now just wait for it. . . "Oh Eris!" He clung to me like a leach to skin. "Its all my fault!" Oh good he connected the dots on the chocolate milk. I wasn't sure he'd get it without a bit more explaining. "If I hadn't pulled that stupid prank!" "It was pretty stupid wasn't it?" Oh Entropy, what per~fect timing, "Don't worry about it Dissy, the rumors of my death were greatly exaggerated." I slowly turned my head to look Dumb-Ditzy in the eyes. OH GODS HIS FACE! It was frozen in shock! Aww, there were the first signs of tears in his eyes. I had a cheshire-grin on my face. I slowly lifted my claw to point at Entropy, standing casually against the wall, one foot on the ground the other against the wall. He was holding a golden apple in one hand. Discord saw my finger and slowly turned around to see my human, casually alive. "Wh-Wha--" "Catch," he said through a smile. Then he tossed the apple. Discord didn't move. It hit him straight in the face and then bounced three times along the floor. Discord was mad at us. He was so bucking mad at us. But it was so worth it. We just sad there on the couch with stupid grins plastered on our faces while he ranted and raved. It was bad. When Dissy asked us why we'd do that cruel a prank my human said for the lulz at the same time I said for this morning. He did eventually calm down. We were able to agree on no more holiday or morning pranks if there were no more death or horrible tragedy pranks. It was a pretty good deal. Morning pranks are the worst. Oh! I learned a new word today! Apparently lulz means 'laughter at the expense of others.' Awesome, right?! Humans have some cool words. Anyway after the big fight things were pretty tense. Dissy eventually saw the humor. I mean I know he gets arrogant but he's a joker at heart. It just took him a minute to enjoy the joke. I'm glad he did 'cus then we were finally opening the presents we got for each other. I wont bore you with the details but I got some pretty sweet ones and Discord seemed to like the ones I got him. I got my pet some new pairs of clothes. Just some blue jeans and plain shirts. It took some effort to get but it was worth it. I also promised to take him shopping to 'get some real duds.' He smiled cutely when I told him. So that was cool. Oh yeah! Entropy even got me and Discord a gift! I mean, he had to whisper into Dissy's ear to get him to poof the thing into existence. I got a tee-shirt that said 'For The Lulz!' in big friendly letters. He whispered in my ear to poof an exercise head band that said 'Kidnapper' on it. I switched it to 'Foalnapper' and snapped it into being. Dizzy laughed and wore it the rest of the day. I think that kind of pissed off my human a bit but it also made him laugh. So that was a little weird. All in all it was a pretty good Hearth's Warming. We drank rum and eggnog, played some board games, and had some laughs. Entropy didn't win a single game. He didn't think it was funny, but lets be honest, it was hilarious. At the end of the night he hoofed Discord a letter and asked him to mail it to his parents. I don't know where he got the quill and paper. When I asked he said he found it in the office. We don't actually have an office. Dissy didn't know what he was talking about either. Whatever. I'm going to sleep now. In the middle of the night I heard a knocking on my door. "Uuugh! Go away!" "Eris, I'm coming in." It was my dad. This is strange was my only thought. Oh yeah, that and I want to bucking sleep. "What are you doing, Dad?" "Well, I read your pet's letter?" I groaned, "Why?" "I was curious. It was keeping me awake." Okay yeah I probably would have done the same thing. "I think you should read it." I slapped myself a few times to wake up. "Okay, hoof it over," I said with a yawn. He sat on the bed and gave it to me. Dear family, Make sure its only the adults in the room when you read this. I have been kidnapped. Now don't worry, I'm fine. They haven't hurt me or anything. They're actually not half bad. I mean they can be a bit cruel as far as ignoring my plight. But they aren't really mean. What I mean by that is they haven't gone out of their way to hurt me in any way. In fact they haven't at all. Other than the kidnapping of course. I don't think they want a ransom. I raised my eyebrow. Yup. This was worth getting up for. I can't really explain how I vanished in the middle of the Christmas party. I don't really understand it myself. I know you were all looking at me when it happened so I'm sure you're pretty freaked out. I was too. Still am really. Anyway, I was about to give a speech before I got vanished. I'd like to give that speech. You are all horrible people. Err... I was not expecting this. Obviously not the young ones. Not the cousins or the grandkids. But you adults? You're awful. Aunts, Uncles, Grandma, Grandpa, I can't believe you just stood by during my childhood. You could have stepped in. You could have kept me from the cruelty of my parents, but you didn't. I don't understand why, but it doesn't matter anymore. To Mom and Dad. I truly do loathe you. You two are the most psychotic people I have ever met. I don't need you in my life. All you could ever give me is pain. If I had any siblings I'd be taking them with me. I suppose it was some twisted fortune that vanished me. I was going to tell you that I never wanted to see you again anyway. I just thought you ought to know. To all of you, you are my family. You are the people who claim to love me the most. They say blood is thicker than water. That's all manipulative bullshit. If you really cared you wouldn't have treated me like an accessory in your life. I only existed to you when you needed me. You didn't help me when I needed you most. Let the cousins and grandkids know I'll be taking some time to myself. Tell them I need time 'to figure things out.' When I can I'll get in contact with them. Goodbye, Jonathan Gods... I felt tears on my face. "What could they have done to him to make him never want to see them again?" I said looking into my father's eyes. "How could they be so cruel?" He held me tightly to his chest, "I don't know, Honey, I don't know..." I couldn't even imagine my dad doing something so bad that I'd want him out of my life. Gods... What a horrible world we must have taken him from... No wonder he doesn't want to go back...