"So..." Scootaloo said, trailing her hoof along the desk, tracing invisible patterns into it.
"Yeah," Spike said, letting out a great yawn (meaning that it was a big yawn, not that it was an impressive yawn; of course, one might say that the bigness of the yawn could be seen as great; but then again who is to judge what makes a yawn big or small... is there a scale one can use to measure it? That yawn registered a 5 on the Yawnie scale? Or would it be more like watts from a light bulb? 'That sure was a 75 tesla yawn, wasn't it?' Oh, sorry, didn’t mean to ramble... just have a lot on my mind. Did you know that the Russell Crowe Robin Hood movie was originally called Nottingham and had the Sheriff as the hero and revealed Robin really was a criminal who lied about what he did with his stolen goods? Now that would have been a cool movie… oh, rambling again, so sorry.)
"Eeyup," Zapapple said, leaning against a wall with a bandage on her forehead.
"Yup," GL Twi echoed.
"Mhmm," Captain Sparkle stated, taking a drink of her flask (it was mineral water... but the flask made her look really badass).
"You know," Night Light said, looking up from the paperwork he was filling out, "most ponies would be thrilled that wanton destruction and chaos weren't occurring."
"Are you?" Velvet asked; even she looked bored.
"...no," Night Light admitted. "I don't like how quiet it is. Twilights are still popping up all over Equestria but until they either do something big or Scootaloo gets close enough to detect one..."
"We are stuck," Scootaloo mumbled.
REE REE REE REE!
"Is that some kind of alarm to let us know of danger and excitement?" Spike asked excitedly.
"Well, it is an alarm," Velvet said. "But it only goes off when things are really peaceful."
"You have an alarm for that?" Scootaloo asked. She tapped her chin. "Then again, you are Twilight's parents..."
REE REE REE REE!
"When does it turn off?" GL Twi asked.
"Well, the 'All is Good' Alarm already turned off," Velvet said.
"Then what is that?" Spike asked, only to yelp when Discord appeared behind him.
"That would be me, young drake, going 'Ree Ree Ree Ree'!" The mad god grinned. "I found a source of pure chaos magic right here in Equestria... I think it might be our friend Delirium!"
"Finally!" Scootlaoo said, leaping up and leading the charge out the door. "Come on, every pony, lets go face the horrible insane chaos-infused Twilight who is working with the group that hired assassins to kill me-wait a minute."
"No time to ponder, let's move!" Spike said, shoving the filly out the door.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Thanks for stopping by and picking me up," Fluttershy said happily, trotting along next to Scootaloo, Spike, one of Night Light's agents and Discord. The head of BUTTS had decided to use the other Twilights to keep watch on the perimeter of the city, to ensure nothing snuck out during the battle with Delirium and could be called upon if needed. "And thanks for the ice cream."
"Yeah, thanks Discord!" Scootaloo said. "Of all the horrible, life-ending monsters Rainbow Dash has fought, you're the greatest."
"Hey!" Luna shouted from her tower, shaking her hoof in anger at them. "I helped you get over your nightmares!"
"...so, any sign of Delirium?" Spike asked, taking a lick of his vanilla and emerald soft serve.
"None I can see," Scootaloo said, her wings twitching. "But I sense a Twilight nearby." The filly sped up. "Come on, she should be-"
She skidded to a halt once she made it around the next corner, staring at the Canterlot square that lay before her. There, sitting in the middle of the road without a care in the world... was a baby Twilight. The foal was looking about, her eyes wide as she took in all the sights, her hoof occasionally finding its way into her mouth for her to suck on.
"There is the dastardly chaos magic!" Discord said.
"What, behind the baby?" Spike asked.
"It is the baby," Discord said.
"...you silly sod!" the agent shouted.
"What!?!" Discord said.
"You have us all scared for nothing!" The agent gestured at Fluttershy. "I think this one wet herself!"
"I have a nervously bladder," Fluttershy said softly. "Do you think Baby Twilight will lend me a diaper?"
"I don't know why, but the thought of you being around me with diapers just made me shiver in horror," Scootaloo said. She looked around, sucking on the inside of her cheeks. "This is the only Twilight I sense, so the baby must be the chaos-user Discord sensed."
"We'll have to be cautious," Discord said.
The Agent of BUTTS rolled his eyes. "It's... a... baby." He stomped towards Baby Twilight, grumbling about idiots. "You blow on her and she'll tip over... not that big-"
"Did it suddenly get really dark out?" Spike said nervously, the sun blotted out by black shadowy clouds. The citizens of Canterlot ran for cover while Discord, Fluttershy, Spike and Scootaloo took a step back, watching as the oblivious agent marched towards Baby Twilight, who had turned away from him so she could focus on a ball that had rolled her way.
"Alright, time to get you back to the Bureau for a nice nap-"
Baby Twilight snapped her head towards the agent, her eyes now slit like a dragon's. She opened her mouth, revealing rows of sharp fangs before she leapt at him, roaring like the demons of hell. She spun around the agent like a twister, the stallion not even having a moment to scream before he was rendered a skeleton, which stood for a moment before falling apart (and his bones, oddly, played xylophone music as they fell).
"No nap," Baby Twilight said stubbornly, her fangs retracting, her eyes going back to normal, and the clouds dissipating.
"(CENSORED)!" Fluttershy cursed, so startled she couldn't even act bashful.
"I warned you!" Discord said, a bit proud to have been proven right.
“Now I need a diaper,” Spike whimpered.
"What the hell?!?!" Scootaloo screeched. "What was that?"
"She has Chaos magic... and dark magic too," Discord said, rubbing his chin. "I did not expect that."
Spike gulped. "She's using his thigh bone as a rattle!"
"Heehee!" Baby Twilight giggled.
"How are we suppose to deal with this?!?" Scootaloo whimpered, hiding behind Fluttershy... who was trying to hide behind Scootaloo.
Discord grinned, rolling up the skin on his arms like sleeves. "Leave it to me!" Discord snapped his fingers and, with a flash, he had turned into a large, fat, orange wingless dragon with a stupid grin on his face and big, plastic-looking eyes. "Huh-ha!" he chortled in a deep, goofy voice. "Babies love giant plushie corporate mascots!"
"That's racist!" Spike shouted. "Dragons do NOT talk like that!"
Discord lumbered over towards Baby Twilight, who merely tilted her head and watched him as he approached, the expression on her face making clear she was thinking ‘what fresh hell is this’. "Huh-ha! Hi there Twilight! It's me, Baloney!" Discord/Baloney held out his arms. "I thought you and I could go on a magic adventure, full of songs and laughter! Doesn't that sound yum-dum dippity-dum fun?"
"Nuh uh," Baby Twilight said, shaking her head.
"Smart baby," Scootaloo said with a grimace.
"Aw, come on now!" Discord/Baloney said, 'dancing' around the purple foal. Baby Twilight just stared at him in confusion. "We can play games and sing silly songs! Like this one!"
Discord/Baloney
I love you
You love me
We're a-
Baby Twilight opened her mouth, a plume of flames shooting out and engulfing Discord/Baloney, rendering him a pile ashes with only his eyeballs sitting on top, which neatly collected on the ground. Baby Twilight walked over and, taking a deep breath, blew the ashes away before ambling off.
"Discord?" Fluttershy said softly, walking over to the eyeballs.
The ashes swirled around, rapidly reforming into the chaos god. "Ok, she is a tough cookie! But I am going to defeat her... as it is now a matter of pride!"
"You have pride?" Scootaloo asked.
"Shut up," Discord grumbled.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Hello, Baby Twilight," Discord said, walking over to the foal (who had moved over to a fountain and was now watching the pigeons feed on breadcrumbs). "We got off to the wrong hoof... I am Discord."
Baby Twilight merely flashed a toothless grin at him.
"Yes... well... the thing is, you need to come back with us."
"Nuh-uh," Baby Twilight said, crossing her arms over her chest and shaking her head.
"Yes-uh," Discord said, pulling out a picket sign with the foal's face on it and a clock that read 2 pm. "See, it is 3 pm and this sign says all Twilights must be inside after 2."
Baby Twilight reached out, touching the sign for a moment, her eyes narrowed. She then spun it on its stick, revealing the other side had a picture of Discord with a clock that read 2 pm. "Bababa!" she babbled, pointing at him.
"Oh no no no," Discord said, spinning the sign back to show the Twilight side. "The sign says you need to go!" Baby Twilight spun it back. "No!" Discord said in annoyance, spinning it back again.
Baby Twilight did so as well.
Followed by Discord.
Then Baby Twilight reached out and spun it twice as fast so it remained on the side with her face once it finished whirling about.
"NO!" Discord shouted, spinning it a final time and jabbing his finger at the images. "See! It says that all Discords must go inside now!"
"Uh-huh!" Baby Twilight said, nodding happily.
"Good. Glad you saw it my way. I know you wanted me to stick around but I can't. Goodbye!" Discord waved to her, the baby waving back as he did so. Discord smiled, proud of himself, and walked back to the group. "Fluttershy, I must get back to the Bureau. I did not realize what time it was. I do hope I am not punished for being out past curfew."
"Uh, Discord..." Fluttershy said gently.
"Give him a moment," Spike said.
The chaos god blinked, looked at the sign, then looked back up. The ponies and the drake could suddenly see inside his mind and watched as several monkeys fiddled with wires before connecting the right two, causing a light bulb to appear over Discord's head. "That little-" He whipped around and marched back towards Baby Twilight. "You see here, you little trickster, you can't fool-why are you made of dynamite?"
Scootaloo, Spike, and Fluttershy ducked as the faux Baby Twilight the real one had set up exploded.
Discord stomped back to the group, his muzzle having spun around during the explosion and ended up on the back of his head. "I hope she realizes that this means war!" Discord bellowed.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Get back here!" Discord (chaoticus draconequus) yelled as he raced down the street, arms stretched out as he tried to grab Baby Twilight (infantus unicornus). Discord had left the others behind, feeling that they would only slow him down in the chase.
Baby Twilight turned a corner, only to skid to a stop when she found a brick wall in her path.
"Dead end, little one," Discord said, leaning towards her and blocking her path. He paused, pulling back. "Huh... that makes me sound really evil."
"Ba!" Baby Twilight said in agreement. Before Discord could comprehend what she was doing, the infant snagged a can of black paint that was sitting discarded to the side of the alley and, with a few flicks of a brush, painted a large black circle in the wall. "Meep meep!" She waved at Discord and ran at the circle... and promptly ran through the 'tunnel' she had created.
"Oh, two can play at that game!" Discord shouted, running full speed at the wall.
BAM!
Discord fell on his rear in a daze, his face smashed in, five little imaginary Baby Twilights happily skipping around his head.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Are you sure this is safe?" Fluttershy said nervously. Discord had brought her to the top of Canterlot's tallest tower, figuring that a birds-eye view would be best.
"Of course," Discord said, cupping his hands over his eyes like he was holding binoculars. "Spike and Scootaloo are canvassing the streets and we will be able to see that foal a mile away!"
"I know... but it is awfully... eep... high." Fluttershy shifted away from the railing, her wings reaching over and covering her eyes.
Discord turned around, leaning on the railing, his arms crossed over his chest. "Fluttershy, you have wings... even if you fall you will be safe. Now me, I need to be care-care..." Discord screwed his eyes shut, placing a finger up to his nose as he fought the sneeze. "Care... ful." He smiled. "Ah, much-"
Baby Twilight floated over to him, several balloons tied to her and a feather clutched in her hooves. She giggles and thrust the feather out, tickling Discord's nose.
"ACHOO!" the chaos god sneezed, flying off the railing. He wiped his nose then slowly looked down, then back at Fluttershy and Baby Twilight... then had time to sadly wave before promptly plummeting down. Fluttershy leaned over the rail, Baby Twilight joining her in watching Discord fall, a soft whistling noise filling the air...
Boom.
"You are enjoying this, aren't you?" Fluttershy asked the foal.
"Meep meep!" Baby Twilight said, happily floating away.
~MC~MC~MC~
"I've got her this time!" Discord said, rubbing his hands together.
"What did you do?" Scootaloo asked.
Discord smirked, instantly growing a mustache so he could twirl it in a villainous manner. "I got a bunch of explosives, put them in a brightly wrapped box, and placed it where that little foal will find it! When she opens the box, KABOOM!"
"...Discord, we don't want to kill her!" Fluttershy said in horror.
"She started it," Discord said darkly. "And now I am-"
"Babababa!"
The group turned, watching as Baby Twilight, dressed in a spiffy black uniform, complete with cap, trotted over to them. She looked up at Discord and held out a clipboard.
"What's this? A candygram for me?" Discord said in surprise, signing for the package.
"Uh-huh!" Baby Twilight said happily, pulling out a box of chocolates.
"Well... how thoughtful! I will have to send whoever gave these to me a nice card! Thank you, mail carrier!"
"Uh, Discord..." Fluttershy said nervously, only for Spike to place a hand on her back and shake his head. Sometimes the only way creatures learned was through their own mistakes.
BOOM!
Discord blinked, half of him covered in black soot, the ruined box still smoking in his hands.
"Meep Meep!" Baby Twilight giggled, zipping away.
~MC~MC~MC~
Over the next several hours Discord hammer, sawed, and pounded away. He stole steel from the Canterlot IronWorks and advance circuitry from Skyfall Labs (the #1 robotics company in Equestria). He soldered and welded and screwed together metal and gears and other bits and pieces, all the time cackling about his 'final victory'.
"There... done!" Discord said happily, unveiling his device to the group. It was a massive battle suit, towering 3 stories and made of the finest magic-resistant steel he could find. Cutting edge laser-guided systems were equipped within the mech and from his pilot chamber he could react swiftly to any threat that came his way. Discord happily jumped in and had the mech perform a few poses.
"Got any threes?" Scootaloo said with a yawn, barely even glancing at Discord.
"Go fish," Spike said.
Discord laughed. "Oh... oh, you keep being smug, my friends... but this is the hour of my victory over that purple little hellion!" Discord laughed maniacally as he stomped out of the warehouse they were staying in. “Don’t wait up!”
Fluttershy sadly looked at a clock on the wall.
"Three... two... one..."
"NUTS NUTS NUTS!” Discord bellowed, the tattered remains of the mech hanging off his bruised body. He jabbed a finger at the three. "Not... one... word."
~MC~MC~MC~
"Look at her... taunting us," Discord said, pointing at Baby Twilight. The foal decided to break the laws of physics and turn air into gold, which she used to buy a crate of apples. She was currently sitting on top of her apple pile, happily gumming away at the fruit. "What sinister plots is she... plotting?" Discord, who was wrapped in bandages, licked his lips. "We need to forget about all the other Twilights... surely this is the most evil of them all."
"Bababa!" Baby Twilight gurgled, passing an apple over to a starving homeless pony and giving him a kiss on the cheek.
"See... she is feeding the homeless instead of converting them into fuel to run air conditioners! That will cause energy costs to go up!"
Fluttershy gulped. "They don't... really do that, do they?"
"Of course not," Spike said, rolling his eyes.
~Meanwhile...~
"Sister, it is awfully warm in our chambers," Luna said in annoyance.
"I'll throw another homeless pony in the generator," Celestia stated, flipping through her magazine. “Hmmm, according to this Sapphire Shores is getting married again.”
~MC~MC~MC~
"Discord, I think it is time some other pony gives this a try," Scootaloo said, stepping forward.
"And who would that be? You?" Discord laughed. "Oh, be my guest... may I give the eulogy at your funeral?" Discord snapped his fingers and Fluttershy and Spike suddenly found themselves in a church, watching as Discord, who was dressed in a suit, took out a pair of reading glasses. He sniffed, patting the coffin he was standing next too. "Scootaloo was a dear friend, and when she-"
BOOM!
Discord blinked, once more covered in soot, a flaming crater sitting where the coffin had been.
"Meep meep!" Baby Twilight, who was dressed in a black dress and a widow's veil, said before zipping off.
Discord growled, the scene ripping away to reveal the courtyard they had been originally standing in. "I'm going to punt her into next week!"
"Discord, stop!" Fluttershy cried, leaping in front of him and pressing her hooves against his chest. "Please, let Scootaloo try! That is just a foal... she deserves a chance."
"She's had eight!" Discord yelled.
"Well nine is my lucky number," Fluttershy said.
Scootaloo nervously approached Baby Twilight, doing her best to look as small and non-intimidating as possible. "Uh... hello Baby Twilight... before you... blow me up, I'd like to-"
Baby Twilight's head snapped around so she could look at Scootaloo; the foal's eyes went wide and she gasped before leaping at the purple-maned filly.
"I can't look!" Discord said, covering his eyes. "Is she killing her?"
Spike frowned. "If one can die from being nuzzled then yes, yes she is."
Discord peaking through his fingers, his jaw dropping to the ground; Baby Twilight was clinging to Scootaloo's face, rubbing her cheek against the filly's and cooing happily.
"Scoots!" Baby Twilight squealed.
"I think she knows me!" Scootaloo's muffled voice called out. She trotted back to the group and sat down, peeling the infant from her. "She's not so bad when she isn't trying to kill us."
Baby Twilight grinned at Discord and toddled over to him, happily hugging his leg.
"I think all of this was a game for her," Spike said.
"A game?!?" Discord yelled. "A game?!? What kind of sick parent would teach their child that blowing up other creatures is fun and games and she's my kid, isn't she?"
"Dada!" Baby Twilight said happily, hugging his ankle tighter.
"Well... that explains a lot," Spike said dryly.
Fluttershy frowned. "But if in her dimension you're her dad... who’s her mom?"
"Excuse me!" Luna called out, flying down. She pointedly ignored Scootaloo and focused on the others. "I need a homeless pony-"
"Mama!" Baby Twilight screeched happily, clicking her hooves together and summoning Nightmare Moon's armor onto Luna before rushing over to hug the startled alicorn.
Spike gulped. "So... the Cakes were right."
Fluttershy shivered. "I know Spike... I'm scared too!" The two hugged each other tightly.