//------------------------------// // Those Dreary Old Mornings // Story: Screwed Up // by A friendly face //------------------------------// Ah, mornings. I never was a morning person. Nobody in my family is. That is, unless something interesting, annoying, or sufficiently important rouses us. In which case said "thing" better be prepared to give us five minutes. This morning, just such a thing happened. Sans five minute warning period. I woke up with a start. I can't remember the nightmare I was having, but it must've been pretty intense, because my heart was RACING. Following that ... experience, I did my routine morning self inspection. Make sure I was 3 things: 1) Awake, 2) Me, and 3) Normal. My paranoia is PERFECTLY RATIONAL. I passed the spot-check up until phase two, when I noticed a very pertinent fact. My hands appear to be missing. Yep, gone. Replaced with... magenta stubs. Or is it magenta?, the only light in the room is that of my lava lamp, and it glows so green you'd think someone went and put uranium in my room. Before you correct me, yes, I am aware that Cerenkov light from radioactive decay is blue, not green... Sorry about that, a nerd is me. Anyway, I try to keep up to date on local, world, and national events, in that order, by importance. I watched a news report on this thing. Bronies turning into ponies, the week lasts all year, and the world is caving in on itself. Okay maybe not that last one, but you never know. Among those facts I only cared about one: bronies turning into ponies. I am a brony,(sort of) and I have turned into a pony. Great. This is the part of the story where I have to learn how to walk again right? Yeah. Well, I seem to be having trouble getting out of bed. On top of that, I have the worst sinking feeling imaginable. It's like somebody telling you you're about to get hit by a car, then moments later, a car flies right past you. Kinda like Final Destination, only in this case, I'm not fighting for my life. You may have noticed that I am remaining very calm in the face of a very strange and potentially disastrous situation. That's because I have a plan for everything. Zombie apocalypse, break-in, Godzilla? Yes, yes, and almost. There is one thing that worried me a little though: I woke up really jittery. Normally, I come down really quickly from nightmares, but this one had me REALLY shaken, even though I had no idea what happened in it. Just more evidence that I'm cuckoo for cocoa puffs. I've had a theory for a while now that I am slowly losing my mind, and that feeling right there is just another knot in the proverbial strait jacket. I still have to figure out who I am. Literally speaking of course, as in which pony I turned into. I figured an innocent enough background pony. I was wrong. I got upstairs ( thank heavens I woke up first.) and looked in the mirror in my dad's photography studio. Deep violet mane with white streaks, all curly, wavy and crazy, and eyes like those old things hypnotists used to use to put you under. you know, the spirally things. Anyway, if that wasn't a red flag, I checked the...Come on, do I really have to say it?... Okay, here goes. I checked my...flank (Can NOT believe I just said that.) and almost passed out. A baseball and a Flathead screw. Ball. Screw. Screwball. This'll be fun to explain. If you're wondering how I got up the stairs, I basically crawled all the way down the hall, up the stairs, and THEN figured out how to stand up. Priorities! On the plus side, I can talk really really fast now. Like the guy from all those prescription drug commercials that lists off the side-effects, only female and really really excited. Also, replace drug side-effects with my sorry attempt at assessing the situation: "okaysoiturnedintoscrewballwhosoundsbasicallylikeiexpectedhertoexceptshe'sabletotalksofastthatican'tunderstandasinglewordi'msayingrightnowwhatisthatsmellissomebodymakingwaffles?" For those of you who can't read one word sentences, here's the nitty gritty. Someone else is awake and making waffles. Fantastic. WAIT. Breakfast...I can't eat bacon... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'd sooner give up sunlight than bacon! This is inhumane! Unjust! Unfair! "THIS SUCKS." I said aloud for everyone to hear. Of course, came the part where I accidentally woke up ... seriously who's making waffles? Go find out for yourself, buddy. I'm really worried that when I open this door there's going to be trouble. Monsters, Psycho-killers, My ex girlfriend [badum-tsh], this list goes ON. Basically, I was terrified to open that door' leading into the kitchen, to find out who was making waffles. I gathered up what little gumption I had, and flung the door open. It's just good old Discord. Mystery sol- wait WHA?! YAY! "Oh I hope you don't mind me getting some breakfast ready. Of course you don't, you're probably hungry." He wasn't wrong. "I'm gonna take a shot in the dark and say you're responsible for the bronies, the calendar, and", gesturing a hoof to myself (I'm never gonna get used to saying that) "all this." I looked up, and he was gone. Then he appeared behind me and almost gave me a heart attack. "Of course I am, but I have a special job for you." [eep!] Ever wondered what pure terror sounds like? That was it right there."I need you to keep my little girl safe and happy, and I'm just the littlest bit too busy wreaking chaos to keep an eye on her." (insert audible gulp here) "What." "Entertained of course." He sounded disappointed, sorta like he expected me to know what he meant, but he wasn't angry. good thing too, I imagine I'd know if he was angry "How?" "Just do what comes naturally."