”Great job boys! Another gig done, another sack of bits to split.” He sets down a hefty satchel and begins to divide it up, making sure he does a little ‘miscounting’ in his favor.
“Don’t get too greedy there, Fumble Note. It’s hard to play when you’ve spent all your bits on the mares and cider.”
”Not that you’d know,” another member of your group takes a jab at you, “When’s the last time you- you know?”
“What? Taken a drink? Rode the purple thunder home to Valhalla. Jeez, I’m smart but I’m not a fucking mind reader dude.”
”Shoot man, you know what he means,” your buddy Stringer chimes in, coming in through the hallway door, the screams of a dozen p0nies silencing with its slam, “When’s the last time you got the good ol’ whistle wet?”
Is he talking about- Well there’s no mistaking what he meant. “It’s been a long damn while, just me and the Misses,” you reply wiggling your right hand. Your little group descends into laughter as Fumble finishes his four-way split of the money.
”Alright then, that’s about 120 a piece?”
“I see yours is a little bigger than the rest,” you joke.
”I’ve got six kids to feed,” he shrugs.
”I thought it was three?”
”They doubled…” his poker face the reason he probably needs the money.
“You don’t even have kids you greedy bastard,” you chuckle, pushing over half your share to him and pocketing the rest, “Still, you need it more than me.”
”Really? Thanks, Anon, you’re the best partner I’ve had.” What can you say? You’re one of a kind.
”I figured the pot would be a bit bigger to be honest,” Stringer spins a bit in his hoof, “I mean, this has to be the biggest gig we’ve done.”
”Yeah,” the last member, Zeek, decides to add, “You’d think the princesses could part with a little more than this.”
”It is the Gala after all. For Celestia’s sake, we got a bigger payout in Winnypeg.”
The three continue to bicker on the couch as you eye the door, finally taking your stand. “Well, it’s getting late guys. I’m gonna hit the sack.”
”Close the blinds,” Fumble befouls your innocent phrase. You give him the finger, leaving their chortling behind you as you exit into the hallway.
”ANON! IT’S ANON!” Ehhh, you’re not in the mood tonight.
“No autographs tonight, alright Bigs?”
”Whatever you say, sir.”
He escorts you back to your room, Bigs taking place just outside. What would you do without him? Get mauled by a horde of loving p0nies that’s what. They wouldn’t hurt you, but a mauling is still a mauling. You slip out of your shirt, tossing it to the side of the bed before cracking your back. Taking a quick shower you pinch your belly, a bit distraught by the newfound fat beginning to take hold. Sometimes you miss the old days, at least you were always in shape then. Then again… 100 degree weather never was your idea of a good time, neither was -20. You grin, wondering how you ever managed to make it through all that crap, but when the answer hits you…
…It hits you like a train. You shake your head and put on some fresh pants... You know, some fresh air sounds nice, so you take a step out onto the balcony, letting the air fill your lungs. The yellow specks outline the city below, Canterlot, still surprisingly busy despite the party being up at the castle. Big cities never were your style, but you go where the work is. It’s so quiet up here, you note as you lean against the railing, you could almost… “I resolved to call her up. A thousand times a day,” you whisper to the moon, your oldest of companions, “Ask her if-“
A knock from the door destroys the mood, forcing you back from the balcony. “Yeah, who is it?”
”It’s me sir,” Bigs answers back, “You have a visitor.” You’re tempted to be angry with him, but he hasn’t necessarily had the easiest night either. A reminder will do though.
“Bigs, I told you no autographs. Is it Zeek?”
”No sir.”
“How about Fumble or Stringer, either of them?”
”Uhm, no sir.” Rubbing your fatigued eyes you almost want to pass out right there.
“Well then, tell them ‘I’m sorry, but Anon is not taking visitors right now.’”
”But sir I-”
“I’ll get your kid the record he’s been begging for,” you bribe your own guard, silently praying he’ll shoo the fan away.
“… I’m sorry, but Anon is very tired. Perhaps if you were to come another time Princess.” PRINCESS!
“Wait wait wait!” you holler, tripping over your bed as you scour for a clean shirt, “Keep her there, just give me a second!” Shit- fuck- tit! Get in there you filthy arm! No, not that way!
”He’ll be with you in just one moment, princess.” Can you believe your luck? Meeting a fucking princess? This has to be the best thing that’s- alright, second best thing that’s happened since you came here.
“Just another second!” you shout, rushing into the bathroom. Do you look alright? How’s the hair, fine fine, and the shir- NO! It’s all wrinkly, this won’t do at all! “WRINKLES!”
”It’ll be another moment,” you can hear Bigs say, catching the hint of laughter in his voice. Oh he thinks this is funny huh? Wait until you get him the hundred k version of ‘Bottles of Beer’ record instead. It was horrible, you know, it wasn’t your proudest moment.
You can hear the female voice murmur, and you don’t like the tone. “Don’t go! I’m- uh. THERE! Just a few more seconds, promise.”
”He says just a few more seconds.” She can probably hear me you dick… God you love to hate this guy. Just a little- Phew! There we go. Maybe you should double check to make sure? No, she’s been waiting long enough.
“Alright, she can come in!” you accidently shout out, “Crap…” Deep breathes, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s not like the most powerful, or one of, p0ny in Equestria wants to see you. Oh wait!
The door begins to open up, Bigs stepping through and holding it for- her… ”Princess, may I present-“
She holds up a hoof, staying him with a smile, “You’re excused, Mr. Bigs.”
“Y-yeah. I’ll uhm, get the record for you tomorrow.”
”Thank you sir,” he nods, “Princess…” The door clicks behind him, only a second passing since, and yet you can’t help but feel a year’s worth of time pass. She hasn’t aged a day…
”It’s nice to see you again, Anon.”
”Likewise, Princess.”
”You don’t need to call me that,” she smiles. God you’ve missed that smile.
“Well, it’s nice to see you too, Twilight.” Come on, get your act together and ask her if she wants a drink. “Do you uh- want a drink?”
”No thank you, besides,” her eyes move around the room, “You don’t have anything, do you?” Wait- Ah crap she’s right. Stop tripping over yourself dammit, she’s just another mare. No, not in the slightest. “You’ve certainly moved up in the world.”
“I could say that about you too. How long have you been like- like this?”
”About two years now, and you?”
“You know how long,” you try to remain calm, an ounce of resent finding its way in your words.
”Don’t be like that, Anon.” All these feeling coming back in such a rush… When there’s happiness, there’s always the anger.
“You never answered my scrolls.”
She sighs, looking to the wall opposite you, “I’ve been busy.”
“Two hundred and seventy three busy?”
Twilight laughs painfully, resting on the side of your bed, “You remember. Haven’t changed a bit, have you? You still don’t know how to pick up after yourself.” She levitates your shirt into the clothes bin, trying her best to not look at you, “So how’ve you been?” Why the hell is she here? You’re happy- no, not happy- Not mad either… This is confusing.
“What do you want, Twilight?”
Her hoof traces the bed lining as she speaks, “I heard your performance. It was beautiful.”
“I get that a lot.”
”I’m happy for you. Happy that you finally broke through.” Where’ve you heard this stuff before? Oh yes, when she left…
“Princess, with all due respect, once was enough. Get to the point, or just leave, please.”
She nods sadly and walks over to you, “I know that we didn’t leave on the best of terms, but…” She presses a hoof in your hand, that subtle warmth… “I’ve missed you. If these few years have taught me anything, it’s that I have to take the good with the bad, even if it is a bit messy,” she laughs.
“Twilight,” holding her hoof with both hands now, “I’ve never forgotten about you, not once.”
She presses her head against you, a wet spot forming on your stomach, “Neither have I.” You hold her close, her soft sobs always being too much for you to handle. “I’m sorry Anon… I’m so sorry.”
“Me too, Twi. I’m sorry…”
6 years ago… “Am I blue?” You hum as you kneel next to the rails, silently appraising the steel beams. “Am I blue? Ain’t these tears in my eyes… telling you…”
”Hey!” a stallion shouts from the train, “You’re paid to work, not sing!” Ugh… If there’s anything you hate more than someone yelling at you, it’s stuck up train operators. For all the physical differences, p0nies are just as bad as regular people.
“Singing helps me get my job done, so unless you want an hour delay maybe you should sit back in your comfy little seat and let me work, will ya?”
Near red in the face you can almost feel his blood pressure skyrocket, “How about I tell your boss about you slacking off? We on the same page, buster?” You stand, dusting off your jeans and giving him a good proper stare, “You want to say something?” If only this were back home… If only…
A soft tick drags your attention away and towards the watch on your wrist. “Well I’ll be… It looks like it’s time for my lunch break,” you grin back at him, “Be back in a few.”
He doesn’t even wait for you to turn your back before he starts hollering at you with the typical “Hey’s” and “Get back here’s.” Before long he’s grunting and wheezing, and looking back you find him desperately trying to squeeze through the train car’s window. Foolish bastard. ”I’ll get Steel Bit on you! Don’t make me do it!”
“Ehh, shove it!” you call back, satisfied with your impeccable timing. His cries begin to drown out as you get further away from the tracks, finally taking stock near a cluster of bushes and sitting down next to a small tree. Well, small for you…
The shade’s not the most upstanding but it beats anything else in this desert. Heh, hell, you’d go for an umbrella any day of the week if you could find someone who was selling. You lean against the tree’s base, making sure to keep the sun out of your eyes. This place reminds you of those old movies your parent’s used to go on about, the ones in the good ol’ wild west, cowboys and all. Well, you haven’t seen a cowboy since you got here, unless you count that guy down in Appleloosa. He’s a nice guy and all, but, damn, that cheeriness runs you the wrong way.
You yawn and relax for the time being, these lunch breaks being the only real time you get to relax besides sleeping. Otherwise, it feels like you’re in a Tolkien movie, just without the fun bits. Just thinking about all that walking makes you tired. Ugh… Maybe you should look into a more stable job with some benefits, perhaps even – dare you dream? A chair. You almost groan at the thought, a nice comfy chair with cushions and all, or even a bed! How you miss slipping into one of them. But you open your eyes and it’s all the same, just more rock.
A chirp sounds from above, your eyes meeting the miniature frame of a bird as it cocks its head down at you. As it flaps down to the ground across from you, you reach slowly into your pack, careful not to scare him, and draw out a piece of bread. You bite off a tasteless chunk and lay it off to the side, this time pulling out your book and pencil as it scampers over with caution. “It’s alright,” you whisper to yourself, flipping to an empty page, “It’s just a little food.” With a single swipe it snatches what’s left and flaps off to safety, a nice little distance away, but just close enough for you to get a good view of him. This’ll be a good break.
You manage to finish up the wings when it looks back at you, the creature looking for more food you reckon. Tsk tsk. “Do you think I’m made of food? I’m rationing enough as it is.” Man, if you give a mouse a cookie… Smacking your lips you undo your canteen and take a swig, making sure not to drink too much. You still have to have enough water to make it to the next town. What is the next town anyway?
”uhm… e- excuse me?” The bird shuffles back at the voice.
“No no no no!” you start pleading all too late, the bird already flapping away. “Dammit!”
You spring up, almost fuming in anger after coming so close to finishing up. “eep!” What does it take to get a little peace and quiet around here?! So who’s the hotshot this time? Pegasus? Why aren’t you surprised? The Pegasus has her head in the bushes and is shaking like a leaf, her yellow wings damn near about to fall off.
“By all means, scare off any other animals that are hiding about.” She manages to sneak her head out and give you a glance, taking in the image of a very irritated Anon tapping his foot.
”H-hi.”
“Hi,” you stay just as stern, scratching your neck, “Get out much?”
”Ex-excuse me?”
“Has your day been alright? Would you like to talk about it, or maybe you’d like a drink of water? Is the shirt off my back too much?”
”I- I-“
“I- I- Speak up! Christ, if you’re going to waste my time at least be courteous about it.” Her eyes grow red as she backs away, but you’re not nearly through with your rant.
“I come here, on my break, deliberately away from EVERYONE ELSE, and you p0nies still manage to fuck with my time. Just leave.”
”B-but,” she sniffs on the verge of tears.
“B-but NOW!” That seemed to do it, the Pegasus turning tail back towards the train, weeping all the way. You just shake your head and take another swig of water. There are few things worse than hearing a woman cry, mare in this case. And one of those is disturbing your break. Another tick comes from your watch… Damn, it’s already been an hour. Oh well, back to work…
You manage to catch the pegasus’s mane as she runs back on the train. A tinge of guilt manages to creep up on you as well. Maybe you were a little harsh on her. Oh well, hakuna matata. It’s hard not to groan when you look back down at the tracks, your job calling like a bad case of the flu. Setting your watch, you sit down with your bag and get back to work. Buckled, huh? That’s certainly strange. Equestria may not have the biggest or strongest p0nies, but damn they have some of the finest steel you’ve seen. Probably because they use magic and shit… not literally though, that’d be gross.
In any case, it must’ve been one hell of a thing to even put a dent into this puppy, but to deform it? That’s got you stumped. You scratch your chin thoughtfully, an intense aroma forcing you to cough. Clenching your nose only makes it worse, the concentration now saturating into your nostrils. Surely it’s supposed to be sweet, but when you douse yourself with the whole damn perfume bottle it might as well be mustard gas. ”Acheem!”
Why can’t you catch a break? Let’s play a game for shits and giggles, guess the race. Deathly use of perfume. Check. Snarky comment. Check. Woop! Is that tapping of the hoof? That’s a check. You’re no mathematician, but 1+2+1 obviously can only equal one thing. You turn around, the white p0ny doing her best to express her disapproval. Fucking unicorns… Once again, not literally.
Her purple locks are expertly done, only making her fit the stuck-up rich girl stereotype even further. It makes you sick that people, or p0nies, like her are given any attention at all. Showoffs… “Is there something I can do for you, ma’am?” you ask, already tired from both the conductor and lack of a decent break.
”So you’re the supposed ‘technician’ are you? You don’t look like much.” Lord, give me the strength not to deck this chick. Or, give me the ability to stop time. Either or. No? Damn. Next time then. You roll your eyes and rummage in your bag.
“So was there anything I can do for you?” Or is she just wasting your time.
”Don’t give me that attitude. Just who do you think you are?” So it’s the latter. Maybe fortune telling has a job opening?
“I think I’m Anon, and if that’s not enough to tickle your fancy, I think you’re wasting my bloody time. Forgive my transition of nationality.”
The unicorn holds a hoof to her mouth in shock, “How dare you address a lady with such language!? Fluttershy told me the repair p0ny-“
“Person.”
”Whatever you call yourself… She managed to say through tears how positively rude he was, and there’s no mistaking it, that was YOU, you… heathen!”
“Bra-fucking-vo!” you stand up clapping, making sure everyone in the vicinity can hear you, “Out of all one of me you managed to figure it out. You’re a real smart one, Miss.”
”Are you mocking me?” her voice firms up. A paper tiger…
“My god! Two for two! Are you related to Mr. Holmes? Because you’re pissing off Moriarty.”
”I won’t take such insults from a- a simple repair p0ny.”
Person… Repair PERSON! No no, just calm down Anon. Calm- Nah, fuck it. Screw this cow! “Riddle me this Sherlock, what has 4 legs, purple hair, bleaches their flank and is going to run home crying to mama?” ”I will do no such thing!” she exclaims, standing her ground proudly. You give her a shit-eating grin as her brain catches up to what she just said, her expression already descending into one of horror. ”I- No no, you- you tricked me!” she desperately tries to convince you even with her eyes beginning to well up.
“Go on,” you shoo her off, quite proud of yourself, “Train’s that-a-way. “
”T-Twilight!” she cries out galloping back to her mother’s safety. Stealing a glance back at her… Wow, mare’s do the weirdest things with their butt. They must be freaks in the sack. EH! Don’t think like that you sicko.
At least she’s gone now, good riddance. It’s about time you get some peace. Speaking of piece… You tear off another hunk of bread and take a bite of the stale crap. It feels like someone’s watching you though. Turning back, you find the conductor sitting in his seat, hooves crossed, still a mad little ball of fur. You grin and give him the bird, the expression meaning nothing to him, but what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.
Now back to this mystery, what kind of creature could cause such damage? Most creatures out this way might be able to take down a p0ny, hell, even you have to be careful, but venom won’t do a damn thing to this. The tracks don’t bear any signs of acidic damage either, so that leaves you with physical damage. An Ursa would have the sheer strength, but they would never venture out this way. Maybe an earthquake? Possible, but you’ve never heard of a local one, so that puts it slim. A dragon then? Nah they’re too greedy to, but their fire could… Fire. Heat. That- that could be it. Massive fluctuations between the hot and cold, two extremes that the rails couldn’t handle. No no no, that doesn’t work. Rails are made to withstand this type of beating. That is unless… *crunch*
You sigh in exasperation, the crunch of hooves against gravel beside you, another fucking joker looking to take your time. Well you don’t have enough to spare. ”Are you the repairman?” the p0ny asks, at least she got it right.
“I’m busy here, alright? If you want to help, sit back in your fancy compartment with your friends. Some of us are working,” you snap, dealing with four too many p0nies. And you’ve only met four today… She doesn’t say anything, but you don’t hear her leaving either. So you actually have to tell her to leave. “Are you deaf? Skedaddle.”
She’s a unicorn too, a bit surprising that you couldn’t smell it on her. Your nose must be recharging after that last disaster. She maintains her rather creepy stare before finally blinking in confusion. ”I’m sorry, what?” You’ve got to be shitting me?
“Let me put in words you’ll understand. Me work, you leave, me happy.” Seriously, she looks smart enough but she acts like she’s never seen a human- well that does make sense, but still.
”I don’t mean to stare, but I’ve never seen anything like you before.” Aaand Bingo! We have a winner! God you miss home more every day.
“Well as much as I’d LOVE to give you my biography, some of us have work,” you stand up again and move a bit further down the track. As you were thinking before being interrupted - for a fourth mother of god time - the tracks would be made to withstand the heat unless they-
”Wow, you’re pretty tall.” Calm down… Just calm down. There…
“Please leave me alone, I’m literally just trying to get my job done without interruptions. That one Pegasus chick annoyed me during my break, that unicorn gave me crap for the former, I’m just tired. Can you understand that?”
”Oh- Oh I can completely understand. It’s like when I’m trying to finish my newest collection on Advanced Magical Theory and Pinkie keeps pestering me to go to the lake.” You don’t even…
“Sure. Just like that, now if you’ll excuse me.” Kneeling down next to the rail you give it a scan up and down its length. Most rails would have a- what’s it called? Oh you know this one, Anon, a uhmm… Heavy huffs of warm air cover your ear, an uncomfortable closeness shortly following, claustrophobia of a sort. You turn your head in a dramatically slow motion, your irritated eyes settling on the unicorn’s as she looks down to where you were looking. It takes her a minute before she notices, and hopefully she can read expressions like she can Magical Theory… ”So what’re you looking for?” Yeah, you are going to murder someone today.
“What? What do you want?! I will do anything, just leave me alone you ditzy… Grah! What?!”
She raises a brow, “I’m just curious what you’re doing?” She- what? No, that doesn’t make any sense.
“Why did you come out here? Why won’t you leave me alone?” Can’t she see that you’re tired?
“Oh! I almost forgot, you made Fluttershy and Rarity cry! Why did you do that?”
“The same reason I want you to leave, because I want to work in peace.”
”Oh… That was it?”
“Yes. That’s it. I didn’t want all the gold in Fort Knox, just a little peace and quiet. Sooo I can read Advanced Magical Theory.”
She gasps, inhaling enough air to make any other p0ny pop, “You read Magical Theory too!?”
“Ya-no,” you stay sternly, “Now could you please give me some privacy? I’m trying to work, for theeee fifth time now.” You swear if she doesn’t leave- “Expansion Joints! Eureka, that’s it,” you snap, happy as a clam that you remembered the name.
”What’re you doing with your fingers?”
“I am snapping in pure unadulterated happiness.” It occurs to you that you don’t even know who this unicorn is, but right now you don’t care. “I can’t believe I didn’t see it the first time. I walk down these damn rails all the time and I didn’t notice.”
”What didn’t you notice?” she asks in a whisper, not trying to be intrusive but still failing.
“The Expansion Joints! Well, the lack of them.”
”So the joints don’t expand?”
Ehh, she doesn’t get it. How could she though? You know what? She deserves a lesson. “Expansion joints are little breaks in between the rails. These are so whenever the steel is subjected to intense heating and cooling, the piece of metal is allowed to expand and contract freely.”
The purple unicorn nods, beginning to understand, “So this railway didn’t have those little breaks, so now the track has been warped?”
“Precisely! God I am a genius.” You stand up and rush back over to your bag, fumbling through the various items concealed within.
”What’re you going to do?”
“I… have to write a letter to my boss and get it to the first post I can. If my suspicion is correct, this entire railway was made before Expansion Joints were commonplace, so this entire track is a hazard.”
”Wow. How long have you been doing this?” You stop yourself midsearch and turn back to the unicorn, “I never caught your name.”
“Anon, and as much I enjoy your company, you really need to get back on the train.”
”Are you sure? I can help you deliver the letter, we have a dragon, he’s my assistant, named Spike who could-“
“Look lady-“
”My name is Twilight, Twilight Sparkle.”
“Mine’s Bond, James Bond.”
”But- you just said-“
“It’s a joke, anyways, I’m good. I’ve been doing this for a while, I can get it done myself.” You sling the bag over your shoulder as Twilight trails behind you trying to get your attention.
”But I can help- Besides, I’d really like to learn more about you. I’ve never-“
“Seen anything like me before, yes, I’ve heard,” you turn back, knocking on the conductor’s glass.
”So you finally decided to get to work, huh? Good, we’re late enough as it is, so are you done?”
“Oh, would you rather me not? If you want I could get another repairman out here who could- Oh wait, I’m the only one who’s not a week away, darnit.” If his brows could furrow any further- I don’t know, insert funny joke here, shit. “But yeah, you’re good to go. Tell your boss to cancel all shipments down this railway, it’s not safe.”
”Are you bucking kidding? We’re already hours behind schedule here.”
“Trust me, I know. Also, don’t go the designated speed, go a few clicks slower, there’s no telling how much damage there is elsewhere.”
The conductor shakes his head and slams the glass closed, “Bucking kids…”
You turn back to Twilight who’s giving you a pleading look, “You won’t even know I’m here.”
“In the train, now.” Her shoulders go slack as she walks back in defeat, poor mare. Destroyed her dreams like they were nothing. Might as well give her something to aim for, even if it’s impossible. “How about this Twilight, you get a signed letter from the Princess herself saying you can come with me, and I’ll let you tag along. Deal?”
Her eyes practically light up, “DEAL! I can’t wait to tell the princess about this. She’ll let me come for sure.”
“Wait, what do you mean you’ll tell her?”
”Oh, I forgot to say that I’m the princess’s pupil. You’re going to the closest town right? I’ll be sure to pack my bags.” The roar of the train sounds before you can object, the giant mass of metal slowly making its way down the tracks.
“You’re kidding right?! Tell me you’re kidding!”
”I’ll be back!” she hollers back cheerfully, “Just don’t leave, I’ll be there in a day or two!” She’s- Nah she’s just pulling your leg. She can’t know the princess, that’s impossible. This encounter would have to have been, one in a million, two million maybe. Oh god, what if this is that one in a million encounter. To have her tag along with you? Every. Single. Day. Is this karma? Because Karma’s a massive cunt.
God… Fuck Equestria. You sigh and begin walking down the tracks. Maybe you’ll be wrong. Who knows? At least you still have some peace and quiet. “Am I blue?”