//------------------------------// // Chapter 1: Premature Adventuration // Story: Adventure Anon // by Bastinator //------------------------------// “Take a deep breath here lads, this is the place. I can feel it in my bones.” With a snap of your fingers one of the colts brings up your flask. “Do hurry up next time boy, I don’t pay you for nothing.” ”Sorry sir, tired sir.” “Did I ask for excuses? Get back to work!” You swat the colt away with a laugh. Oh the spoils of a hero. “Fetch me a map!” Your entourage scrambles about to fulfill your order. Do you have to do everything yourself around here? These disgusting ponies were the best bits could buy? Ha! You’ve seen wolves smarter than them. Kicking the p0nies out of your way is a plus though. That rush of superiority and power never gets old. You can’t help but chuckle as they trip amongst themselves. Pathetic creatures the lot of them. You toss them aside and rummage through your chest. Pulling out your map you unravel it as you move towards the front. This land is not unlike the one from which you helm. Trees are tall, grass is green. Same old same old. Hmm, there’s a town not far from here. If you move now you can- A p0ny bumps into your front. You draw your sword and press it on her throat. She freezes on the ground, tears forming in her eyes. ”I’m sorry Mr. Anon, I didn’t see you coming my way-“ “You will speak when spoken to.” She shuts up like a good p0ny. You whistle, your guide coming to attention. ”What can I do for you sir?” “Ponyville. How long until we reach it?” ”Two hours sir.” “Good, get the wagons moving.” ”Yes sir.” You look back over the mare, trailing down from her neck to the length of her flank, “Get up.” She does so, your blade following her. All this travel has left you nice and pent-up, in need of release. You sheathe your sword and grab her by the mane. She’s a bit on the pudgy side, but she’ll do. You’ve had worse after all. She doesn’t put up any resistance, knowing her efforts to be futile. Besides, who’d struggle against the almighty Anon? You toss her into your wagon, looking outside one last time. “I’m to be left alone until we arrive, understood?!” ”Yes sir,” they reply. You tighten the curtains as your wagon pulls away, on to Ponyville. The wagon begins to slow as you wipe the sweat from your brow, panting heavily and cleaning yourself off. Bitch had more fight in her than you thought she did. Good, you like ‘em with a little kick. ”Sir, we’re here!” “Excellent! The usual will do fine!” ”Yes sir.” You toss your towel at the soiled mare. “Clean yourself off and have my meal ready in the next hour.” You flick her a bit from your pouch and exit the wagon. Ponyville, how quaint. Your squire is already in the middle of the introductions when you get out. ”…across the raging seas and over perilous mountains. Dragons fear him, Hydras flee from him, death itself is phased by him.” Even after a dozen times this doesn’t get old. ”I give you the one, the only, ANON!” The crowd’s cheers are music to your ears. Every second feeds that colossal ego of yours, and you’re damned proud of it. You step out with your hands raised, bringing in another roar of cheers. It’s good to be the king. “HEY PONIES! How are we doing today!?” Delicious chants. They’re ever so savory. “How was that for an intro? Give a hand for my good friend over there!” You give him a wink and a bit, turning back to the p0nies. “As you can guess, Anon’s the name, questing’s the game!” You grin and wink at a group of mares, moving over to them. “Whatever the task, no matter the risk I can do it. Especially for these gorgeous mares out here.” You kiss the end of one of their hooves, the mare fainting in an instant. “Whatever your woe, whoever the foe, I’ll make them go!” “So what do ya say? What can Anon do for you?” ”Leave and save us all our time.” The crowd goes silent, a small smile forming on your face. “Now now, what have we here?” You look about the crowd trying to find the perpetrator. “Was that doubt that I heard? Come out, so I can put your thoughts to rest.” The crowd parts as an orange earth p0ny comes trotting from the back of the crowd. She’s wearing a ten gallon hat, with her blonde mane tied back in a pony tail. ”Well, here I am.” You walk towards her, the p0ny tensing up. “I’m not going to hurt you sweetie. What’s your name?” ”Name’s Applejack, and I don’t take kindly to you filling up these nice ponies heads with your rabble.” Her accent is so cute it hurts. She’s not bad looking either, that toned flank… “Well I don’t know what you’re talking about dear AJ, you mind if I call you that?” She looks at the rest of the p0nies, a look of disgust on her face. ”I thought y’all learned by now after that deal with Trixie.” “T-trixie?” You hold onto your sides, barely containing yourself. ”We ain’t falling for another act like that again ya hear?” Containment breach. You erupt in laughter, smacking your knee as you giggle. “The great and powerful Trixie? HA! You fell for her little routine?” Oh boy this is all too much for you right now. “She couldn’t fight off a parasprite let alone an Ursa, and you… Man this is rich…” ”You think you’re better? Prove it.” You wipe away the tears and tell her that’s what you’ve been trying to do. ”Excuse me?” “Since you don’t seem to get it, let me elaborate.” You stick your finger in your mouth and whistle. A member of your band brings over your satchel. You draw out a vial, its inside shining green and red. “You know what this is?” She shakes her head, allowing you to explain. “This here,” you say raising the vial into the air, “is what we call Dragon’s Breath.” The crowd ooohs and aaaws at the sight. “There’s only one way to obtain this, and that is to-“ ”Kill a dragon.”You smile as a purple unicorn joins Applejack. “Precisely.” “You’re an educated young lady aren’t you Miss…” ”Twilight Sparkle.” Put a pair of glasses on her and you’d have to get a slice. “Charmed to meet you. Now,” you address the crowd, “This here bottle is worth enough to buy this town and then some. It’s quite a rarity around here.” You reach into your sack, pulling out three more just like it. The crowd gasps in response. Works everytime. “I have four of these in total. One for each of the dragons I’ve slain.” Applejack steps up and retorts, “How the hay do we know you even killed them dragons? You could’ve just gotten someone else to get you those.” “A fair question cutie pie.” She blushes at the name, “But I’m not a fake, and I can prove it.” You drop the vial, its contents shattering on the ground and evaporating in an instant. Twilight’s face joins the rest as shock hits them. “I just destroyed five lifetimes worth of bits, and I plan to get it back.” You draw your sword, pointing to the mountains in the east. “Tomorrow I shall storm the dragon’s nest and slay the creature, earning back my fourth vial.” ”You’re mad!” You laugh at Twilight’s outburst, the crowd cheering for you once more. “No my little ponies, I’m Anon.” ”Please listen to me, he’s not-“ Their voices are drowned out by the excessive cheering around them. ”Anon! Anon! Anon! Anon!” You swish your fingers with the beat. “NOW!” you shout silencing the crowd, “Who does a guy have to fuck to get a drink around here?” You’re shuffled through the streets of Ponyville and into the nearest bar in sight, The Broken Record. As you sit at the bar you’re bombarded with questions. ”How many creatures have you slain? Where did you come from? Can you sign my cutie mark?” Oh, the woes of a hero. “One a time please,” you drink your beer, the watered down garbage putting a bad taste in your mouth. “Where’s the real stuff? Anon deserves only the best.” The others hastily agree, bringing up a keg and pouring you a fresh mug. You gulp it down. It’s not the best liquor you’ve had, but it’ll have to do. ”Anon! Anon!” You point at the filly in the back, carrying a notepad and quill. ”Sweetie Belle with the Foal Free Press. How do you plan on taking out the dragon?” The paparazzi huh? Didn’t take long for them to come around. Well, might as well give them a show. “The same way I take down any other prey, devastating precision.” You whistle sharply, your pack mule of a p0ny bringing your effects. You retrieve your bow and arrow, facing your back to the crowd. “Give me a target.” You spot a hoof moving towards you in the corner of your eye. “Don’t give it to me, throw it.” You wait, listening to the sound of something flying through the air. You spin around in a flash and draw your bow, aiming down the sight. Aim, release, dramatic pause, impact. A citrusy mist sprays over the crowd as your arrow imbeds an apple into the wall. “That is what you call precision.” The crowd cheers again and marvels at your magnificence. You see Sweetie taking notes as her companion keeps shooting the camera. You move towards her, whispering in her ear. “If you’re editor wants to use that story, then she’ll have to okay it with me.” ”But- she doesn’t-“ “Tell her to come to my wagon when the moon is high in the sky, we can discuss it then.” She nods, pulling the Pegasus away and out of the bar. “Now, how about a toast? To me!” ”To Anon!” they cheer. This is going to be a good adventure. As time goes on the crowd slowly quiets down. They don’t seem to handle their alcohol very well. You’re chatting with some of the mares, wrapping your arms around two of them at a booth in the corner. “Lopping off the heads was the easy part, the stench is what almost got me. Damn thing needed to wash up once in a while.” They give you the typical ‘you’re so brave’ and ‘how exciting’ replies that you’ve grown accustom to. You place your hand under the table, grabbing the back of the p0ny’s head and pulling forward. She chokes and gags, but you know she loves it. They always do. You sigh in relief, releasing her. “I needed that.” She comes out from under the table, licking her lips seductively. These mares are just dying to get a little piece of Anon in ‘em, and you’re more than happy to oblige. You look to the Pegasus on your right, nodding as she lowers her head to your lap. Warmth engulfs you as she gets to work without a second thought. You pull the unicorns lips to yours and work your hand between her thighs, giving her a taste of heaven. Living the dream. Living the dream… *acheem* “Mr. Anon?” You roll your eyes and push the mare’s lips away. “What is it? I’m in the middle of something right now.” ”You asked me to inform you when the editor had arrived, and she has.” “Well that changes things then.” You finish off the unicorn and pull the Pegasus off of you. They gasp for breath, barely conscious from your efforts. You chuckle at the sight and leave a pile of bits on the table like you would some street whore. They should get some standards at least. Your squire fixes you up, tidying up your cape and chaps while realigning your equipment. The two of you move back to your caravan. “So, give me the details.” ”She’s a bit… young sir. I’d advise skipping this one.” “Young? Like my pappy always said: If there’s grass on the field, play ball.” ”But sir, all p0nies are-“ He catches your drift, sighing dejectedly. “Don’t look so down now, I’m sure you and that colt I hired would get along splendidly.” ”Why you little-“ He moves to strike you, only to have your sword poised at the bottom of his throat. “Tsk tsk tsk, don’t try me. My patience only extends so far.” He backs down, his spirit defeated. “When you get to be as famous as me- You know what? I don’t want to get your hopes up.” You openly laugh at him as he moves away from you, leaving you to enter your wagon. Tearing open the curtains reveals two p0nies, the mare who you got acquainted with on the way her, and a filly. The grass is so very green this time of year. “Leave us.” The mare looks on with horror, unmoving from her seat. “Unless you’d like to join us, I suggest you part.” She mutters something under her breath as she leaves, giving you two some time alone. ”So, you are the heroic Anon I’ve heard about, pleasure.” “I’m charmed, and who might you be princess?” ”Diamond Tiara, editor of the Foal Free Press.” “Of course, the pleasure is all mine.” ”I’m interested in your story Anon, it would be sure to make our newspaper a big hit. We’ve hit some… obstacles if you will.” “In order to make an omelet, you have to crack a few eggs.” ”Excuse me?” Fucking vegetarian ponies… “Forget about it, but you see… Nothing comes without a price, as I’m sure you know.” ”If it’s compensation you’re worried about, then don’t be. I can supply a plentiful-“ “I don’t want your money, I make it rain money. I want something else, far more natural.” She shifts uneasily in her seat, “And what would that be?” You sit next to her, rubbing your hand on her back. “I want some of Diamond Tiara.” ”Tha- That’s impossible. I will not allow it.” “My terms are nonnegotiable, if that’s the way you want to roll I’m sure there are plenty of other papers who’d accept.” ”Wait!” she calls out as you’re about to open the curtains, “I’ll- I’ll do it.” Bluff succeeded. You sit next to Diamond Tiara pushing her on her back. ”Just, be gentle.” Never part of the deal. You loosen the straps on your trousers, pressing up against her. You smile and force a gag into her mouth, eyeing your prey like a vulture. Oh boy… It’s going to be a wild night. You awake with a sigh and place your hands behind your head. You look down to the weight on your chest, that filly from last night still atop you. Damn, she was good. Fillies always were the best. She flinches when you touch her flank, still sore from the last night’s probing. It still confounds you how stupid these p0nies are. Giving away one’s body for a fucking news story? That’s ridiculous. But hey! You aren’t complaining. You lie there for a spell. Getting in one last quickie while she’s asleep. You towel yourself off, leaving the groggy filly on the corner, belly full of love juice. Another whistle brings your assistant along. He reels back as the smell of sex lies heavy on the air. “Suit me up.” ”Sir?” He’s still taken aback by your exploits. “I said, ‘suit me up.’ Now get to it.” He shakes his head, “Yes sir, sorry sir.” How they ever managed to form a stable society is beyond you. Still, they have their uses. He clasps your armor to your chest, using his magic to fasten the straps. If only you could do magic as well. Damn shame really. At least you’d make use of it instead of squandering such power. “Do hurry up, places to be and so forth.” ”Sir, in all due respect, go buck yourself.” Quite the mouth on this one. “You want to run that by me again?” You hold the hilt of your sword, issuing a challenge. His horn glows as his glare intensifies, “Sorry sir, go fuck yourself.” You smile as his wish is brought to ruin. ”Why- Why aren’t you moving?” You grab his horn, squeezing harder every second. “Don’t think your magic tricks can work on me mule. I’m not of this world.” He shudders beneath your assault, falling to his knees. ”Sorry sir…” “Damn right you are,” you say releasing him, “now finish me up.” He fits the last few pieces of your armor, finishing his work. “Oh, I almost forgot…” You pound your fist into his ribs, sending him gasping for air. “Next time I won’t be so gentle.” You step outside again, the bright sun shining down upon you. “Lead? We ready to move out? LEAD!?” That fucker left, you’ll have to hunt him down after you’re done here. You reach the caravan’s front, finding the two mares from yesterday along with a yellow Pegasus. “Well, morning to you both Applejack and Twilight Sparkle. What do I owe this privilege?” Twilight’s the first to speak, “We thought you could use a guide on your trip, so we asked Fluttershy here to show you the way.” Fluttershy… You already feel a stirring in your loins. “Seeing as how my LEAD decided to skedaddle, I accept your offer.” Fluttershy bows her head, hiding her face behind her pink mane. You’re going to enjoy breaking her in. ”I can um, show you the way. I mean, if that’s alright with you.” You’re really going to enjoy it. Applejack gives you a harsh look, “You keep her safe ya hear?” “Crystal AJ. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a dragon to slay.” You wrap your hand around Fluttershy as your entourage sets forth towards the mountain. “I think we’re going to get around just fine my dear.” Oh so fine. The trip will accordingly take a day’s length if Fluttershy is to be believed. You make first through the Everfree forest, where many of your comrades feared to enter. You’d heard the stories, but they didn’t frighten you. Why? Because you’re mother fucking Anon that’s why. You inspire some courage in you fellows as they follow your lead. Once inside, you are proven to be correct once again. Its menacing exterior was the most it could conjure up. Perhaps its residents had heard of your coming and made sure to piss off. Tragic, you were looking forward to some monster hunting. Reaching the moutain’s base you begin your ascent. The telltale signs of a dragon are numerous. The scent, the scenery, the obvious roar. You’re positively giddy. As you make up the path, a strange feeling begins to come over you. Something isn’t sitting right. It’s not the beer, you’ve drank worse and came out alright. “Fluttershy, how much longer?” ”Umm, just another half hour and we should be there.” Half an hour… For some reason you don’t feel like you have that long. And you soon find out why. A massive explosion echoes across the sky along with a shimmering rainbow. The earth begins to quake, rocking the wagons and forcing ponies on their flanks. You grip the ground with your feet, standing fast against the quake. Is this the best it could do? *crack* You look upwards, an avalanche of rock stumbling down towards you. “GET OUT OF THE WAY!” The ponies scramble out of the path successfully. You look back, Fluttershy frozen in place. “Fluttershy get out of there!” But she’s in shock, unable to move. You sprint back to her, some of the smaller debris beginning to hit. You grasp her waist and pull her over your shoulder, freeing her from her stupor. The group is so far away, and the end is so close. This… isn’t how you thought things were going to end. But if there’s one last thing you can do, it’s keep a promise. You squat down and leap up, throwing Fluttershy will all your strength. She lands safely with the others. You look to the coming onslaught, a boulder smashing into you. The two of you roll off the cliff, headed the long way down. Two words come to mind before you lose consciousness. “Fucking Fluttershy…” >Your eyes burst open, and with them, the torturous agony that had been lying in wait. “FUUUUUUUUUUU-“ All the pain… God damn, why the pain!? You try to move your arms, finding them inert. Okay, okay, how about the legs? FUCK! DAMMIT! They’re no good either… It hurts to move, it hurts to breathe. It hurts just to live. You clench your teeth through the pain. “HELP!” you scream, unable to move. You scream again, hearing an array of voices getting closer. Thank god for that. They’re not so useless after all. You cough up another bout of blood. “HELP!” The load atop you begins to lessen as the p0nies dig you out. It takes them a while, but you can wait. You have all the time in the world. They take your arms, pulling you out from rocky tomb. You grunt painfully as they feel like they’re getting torn apart. You look at them, the group circling you. They kneel next to you, slowly removing your armor. “W-what…” It hurts to speak. They take your equipment apart, stowing them in the wagon. But they don’t stop there, proceeding to strip you down. You can’t do anything to stop them, your broken bones see to that. Some of your companions come to your side again, their smiles disheartening. ”What’s wrong Anon? Can’t fight back?” Oh no they aren’t, not now… He kicks you in your bare ribs, shattering them further. ”You’re right; it does feel good to beat down on someone weaker than you.” He steps on your wrist, the cracks and snaps only making him press harder. The second one approaches, “Also, go fuck yourself.” He whistles, your sack brought to him. He kicks you in the shoulder, the pain overwhelming you. A piercing pain hits your knee, tears forming in your eyes. You look down to the wooden shaft, its feathery tip swaying in the breeze. They both leave, the mare getting her turn. ”You’re a monster.” She hits you right in the balls, a deep groan escaping your lips. Why there? ”I hope the crows peck out your eyes.” She bucks you right in the jaw, dislocating the bone. You don’t feel pain anymore, just dread. She turns and leaves you, they all leave you. Rain drizzles down upon your broken body. Weak, desperate, and alone. You vision grows hazy, a yellow blob approaching you as the world go dark. ”Wake up Anon. Please wake up.” A series of beeps catches your ear as you begin to stir. All the white… Get a fucking paintbrush… Your eyes finally open, a row of p0nies in your room. ”Now Anon, remain calm. Everything’s going to be alright.” What do they mean by that? You look down as your vision begins to strengthen, your casts soaked in red. Your screams are muffled…