//------------------------------// // Midnight Twinkle Gets a Clue // Story: The Elements of Awesomery // by PresentPerfect //------------------------------// Midnight Twinkle Gets a Clue by PartyPartyParty99 and rArEgEmLoVeR It was a dark and stormy night in Pony City. (What, did you think I was gonna say something else? Hah, I got you!) Well, actually, it wasn't stormy, just dark, because if it had been stormy, everypony would be inside and this story wouldn't be able to start. Anyway, Princess Moon Unit's moon was still hanging out in the sky, because that's what it did, and it looked like a cookie that had a bite taken out of it. (And now I'm hungry, brb. Okay, I'm back. Oops, I guess I didn't have to type that out.) Everything was quiet and still, unless you were a goth living in the Pony City graveyard, like Midnight Twinkle. This was because she was busy playing her pipe organ, which was her favorite thing to do in the dead of night. Dead of night. How she loved that phrase. It meant the time of night when she didn't have to worry about being bothered by dumb ponies and their dumb problems. Especially not her dumb friends. They were literally the worst. There was Johnniepear, who was as dumb as a brick made out of sticks. Then there was Fashionface, who literally should not have existed after they "changed" her element. Midnight was sure, she'd checked the books. She made sure to keep far away from that one afterward. There was also Sugar Rush, who was literally the dumbest pony ever, with all her random "hijinks" and talking about stupid things like cupcakes and parties and how much she loved Wondercloud Lightningbolt. Wondercloud. She was literally the dumbest pony of the bunch. It didn't help that she was usually right most of the time and that meant Midnight was wrong about stuff. But Midnight was the smartest pony in Ponylandia, for corn's sake! She should be right about stuff at least half the time. That just left Whisperlite, who was cute but useless, and therefore dumb. She was extra dumb for being so cute. Stupid, sexy Whisperlite. The worst part was that Midnight was stuck with them on account of the Elements of Awesomery, the one thing she had been right about all along. She couldn't get rid of them even if she tried. It made her so angry. The anger led to hate, and the hate led to suffering, and the suffering led to sadness. Her world was a black ocean made of sadness and all the fish in the ocean were really sad and it was like WaterWorld, except instead of water, it was sadness. The organ ground on beneath her hooves. So that was why Midnight Twinkle lived out in the graveyard, where no living pony could ever bother her, and she could be alone except for her bodyguard that I forgot to mention before. His name was Sir Thrustlance the Turgid and he was a Knight Valiant of the Order of the Throwing Sun, who had been assigned by Princess Sunnycheeks to watch over Midnight from the day she became important. He was tall and muscular, with fists that could crush stones and catlike reflexes and really cool armor. His purple scales gleamed in the moonlight and his green headspikes were coiffed perfectly to capture the attention of any female who might spare a glance at him. Alas, his was a solitary life, and for his loyalty to Midnight Twinkle and his Princess, he sacrificed all personal want. Currently, he was sitting on a tombstone some distance away, polishing the lance that had given him his name. He didn't mind the organ playing so much, even if Midnight Twinkle wasn't that good at it. It wasn't exactly the life he'd envisioned for himself, but he'd come to accept it, and took pride in carrying out his duties without complaint. He looked up as the music came to a sudden stop. He averted his eyes as he noticed the wetness in hers. Clearing his throat loudly after a few moments, he said, "Lady Midnight, shouldn't you be getting to bed?" There was a loud sniff, and she turned to him, smiling. "Of course, Sir Thrustlance. You're right as always. What would I do without you watching over me?" He stood and bowed to her. "What indeed?" he murmured to himself, but she didn't hear. And so, her body brimming with secret gothic croutons, Midnight Twinkle closed up her pipe organ and descended into the mausoleum where she slept. The next day, Midnight's friends were throwing a "Midnight Twinkle Is Kind of a Butt" party -- to which she had actually been invited -- and so she didn't have much to do and was literally kicking around Pony City with Sir Thrustlance when a loud roar cut the air. They looked up as screams cut the morning air in a different direction to see a blue bear that was as big as a building cutting through crowds of ponies. And so soon after the downtown area had been rebuilt, too! Despite monster attacks being a pretty frequent occurrence in Pony City (it was an insurer's paradise), the ponies still knew to scream and run from monsters like a pack of ninnies, because that's just what you gotta do sometimes. Midnight Twinkle's bodyguard looked down at her. To his surprise, she was grinning. "Perfect," she said, rubbing her hooves together. "That's an Ursa Awesome, I'd recognize one anywhere. While those bubbleheads are busy partying like the dummies they are, I'll save Pony City all by myself and then everypony will say I'm a hero!" Sir Thrustlance shrugged. He was used to the occasional crazy scheme. "Do you need any help?" "I'll let you know," she said, and stepped forward. "Maybe help out the civilians?" "On it." The Ursa Awesome roared and knocked over a building. Ponies ran and screamed, but Sir Thrustlance charged in and tossed them to safety. Using his lance, he pole-vaulted around the city from one cluster of screaming ponies to another, and thanks to his armor and hard scales, the falling rubble literally couldn't touch him. Meanwhile, Midnight Twinkle's cutie mark (which, in case you forgot, is a brain reading a book) started flashing as she closed her eyes and began to access the orbital platform that stored all of her extra information. After all, the pony brain is only so large, even for the smartest pony in Ponylandia, so all that knowledge has to get stored somewhere. Anyway, she searched the databanks for spells related to defeating Ursas. There were literally a billion spells in that junk, so it took a little while. At last, she found the right one, and with a cackle of triumph, she downloaded it into her mind. Somewhere in there, a stray thought suggested that if she had installed weapons on the satellite, she wouldn't have to go through this. But whatever, magic is literally 120% cooler than lasers. Unless you're talking about magic lasers. Anyway, with her spell safely in horn, Midnight let out a battle cry. The Ursa Awesome was right there in front of her, all rampagey and killy and stuff. A circle made out of stars appeared around her as she cast the spell. The sky darkened. Rain began falling up. There were lights and lightning bolts literally zipping all over the place, and then she said the magic words. "Eep opp ork ah-ah!' A sweet laser beam made out of lightning bolts shot out of her horn and into the Ursa Awesome. Sir Thrustlance vaulted awesomely over it. The bear reared back and shrieked in pain as the spell took hold. "Yes!" Midnight Twinkle cried. "Yes! Fucking die, you bitch!" Then there was an explosion and a huge fireball and an enormous cloud of smoke. The ponies of Pony City stopped their running and screaming to look up at it. Then they started cheering. Midnight Twinkle stood up tall and puffed her chest out. "That's right," she crowed, "no need to thank me! Just doing my duty as a--" Then the smoke cleared and the cheering stopped. The Ursa Awesome had changed. It was still a giant blue bear, sure. Except that it was now as big as two buildings. Worse, its claws and teeth had gotten bigger. In fact, it was literally covered in claws. And all those claws were covered in swords. Swords everywhere! Midnight Twinkle's jaw dropped open. "Shit." Sir Thrustlance appeared at her side. She turned to him, face literally filled with fear. "What is that?" "It's an Ursa Extreme," Sir Thrustlance said coolly. "I've only seen one once before." Midnight grabbed the hem of his armor and would have started shaking him if her weak pony legs had been able to move his muscular bulk. "WHAT DO WE DO?" Sir Thrustlance reached down and scooped her up. "There is but one thing to do, my lady. First, I must get you clear of the blast zone." The Ursa Extreme looked at Sir Thrustlance, and he jumped. The ground where he had been standing literally exploded into knives as he sailed up with Midnight Twinkle clutched against his manly, wide chest. She screamed in fear because that was some pretty scary crap right there, no lie. They landed on a hill overlooking the city. Sir Thrustlance set his charge down and she pranced in place. "What're we gonna do, what're we gonna do?" He arched an eyebrow at her. "We are going to do nothing. You should stay here out of harm's way while I take care of this beast." There were no credules in the look she gave him. The look was devoid of credule, much in the way a fish was not. It was, in a word, noncredulful. "All by yourself?" A tiny grin tugged at the corner of his square jaw. "Of course not." He withdrew a large horn made from the tooth of a manticornucopia and set it to his lips. Inhaling deeply, he let forth a mighty blast of breath into the trumpet. Its call sounded like a big, manly guy shouting "YES, I'VE PUNCHED THE MOON TODAY!" He blew it twice more and then put it away. "Stay put," he warned Midnight, and then leapt back into the city. Midnight Twinkle pouted. She'd wanted to be the hero, yes, but not only was she kind of bummed about making things worse, she literally didn't want to get anywhere near that monster. So as much as she hated taking orders from her bodyguard, she sat her plot down on the hill, grumbled to herself, and decided to watch the fight. That lasted for all of three seconds before the sky was split by a throaty warcry. Midnight's head turned and she saw a large blue form hurtling towards her from the west. She recoiled in renewed rehorror as a giant pony slammed into the ground in front of her. Only it wasn't a pony. This creature had enormous hands and fists, and stood on two legs like Sir Thrustlance. It was built like him, muscular, chisel-jawed and broad-shouldered, and a whole head taller. Atop its head was silver mane and a purple peaked cap covered in stars. The rest of its body was clad in a matching skintight leotard and a tiny cape. Keen eyes that had seen the deaths of literally a million comrades turned to Midnight. In a voice that was surprisingly feminine, the creature said, "I'd have been here sooner but I was busy wrestling a double gorgon. Where is Thrustlance?" Midnight pointed a shaky hoof at the city, where she could see Sir Thrustlance just barely avoiding the Ursa Extreme's blade breath. The creature grunted and turned to leap into the fray. But Midnight grabbed the tiny cape with her magic, making her stop. "Wait," she said, "who are you?" The creature grunted and once again turned eyes -- deep, soulful, gritty, hateful eyes -- to Midnight. "There are those who call me The Virile and Muscular Joxie. Now let me go." That name. It resounded in Midnight Twinkle's dark and gothy soul like a ping pong ball in a fishtank. As she stared into those fathomless, profound, recondite, grimdark eyes, she felt her heart fluttering. She couldn't take her eyes from the bulging biceps, the broad pecs, the rippling thighs ready to leap into action at a moment's notice. It was unmistakably, literally love at first sight. "Wait!" Midnight tugged again and Joxie sighed. "Let me come with you! I can help!" "You'd better stay here or you'll muss up your dress, princess," Joxie said disparagingly. She was literally bursting at the seams to get into that battle. "Look, I turned the Ursa Awesome into the Ursa Extreme. The least I can do is help fix it!" One of Joxie's rugged eyebrows rose. "You created this creature?" Midnight stepped back, suddenly afraid of retribution, but she nodded anyway. "Uh, kind of? It was a mistake though, I promise!" "Hm." Joxie reached down and picked her up. "I appreciate a pony brave enough to make up for her errors. Hold on." And then Joxie leapt. Midnight Twinkle's whole body literally compacted from the force in Joxie's jump. But there, in the strong blue muscles of Joxie's arm, she felt something she'd not felt in a long, long time. She felt safe. They landed with a crunch that felled trees and telephone poles in literally a fifty foot radius. Joxie set Midnight down and Sir Thrustlance joined them. He clasped hands with Joxie and they grinned at each other, sharing the gaze of two longtime comrades who had shared each others' blood. Because, like, they both got wounded and bled all over each other. (Don't try this at home, kids, you can catch all kinds of diseases.) "It's good to see you again," Joxie said. "Likewise. But why did you bring her?" Midnight Twinkle tried to hide behind thin air, grinning bashfully. "She said this is her mistake," Joxie said, her voice literally booming off what skyscrapers remained. "And you know how I feel about fixing mistakes." Sir Thrustlance drew in a breath through his teeth. "Right. Very well. Lady Midnight, do your best to keep out of the Ursa's range. To defeat the beast, we must drive all of its claw-swords back into it. Joxie and I will try and punch it to death. If you can think of a way to help, I won't stop you, but please do your best to keep out of harm's way." And then he turned and leapt back over to where the Ursa was busy flaying the concrete off a building with knives that were literally made of knives. Joxie hesitated just a moment before joining him. She looked down at Midnight out of the corner of her eye. Midnight froze, but then Joxie smiled at her. "Pleased to meet you, Lady Midnight," she said, and then leapt away. She soared through the air as Midnight watched her go, and impacted with the side of the Ursa's head. "How many have you punched in?" Joxie shouted to Sir Thrustlance. "Three!" Joxie laughed. "The bodyguard trade is making you soft!" "The day is still young!" Thrustlance countered, and drove his lance through the Ursa's ear. It roared with screams and fired laser swords at him that tore through his cape as he just barely leapt out of the way. "See what I mean?" Joxie laughed and slammed her fist into the Ursa's side. Its blue skin punctured and literally a ton of swords spewed forth. She dove out of the way and caught one in her teeth. Sir Thrustlance caught another and they grinned at each other. "Just like old times!" they shouted, and high-fived with enough power to drive two more claws back into the Ursa. The Ursa thundered on the ground and Midnight Twinkle was almost knocked off her hooves. While Joxie and Sir Thrustlance used their swords to drive back the hordes of zombie laser bear swords before them, Midnight was puzzling and puzzing till her puzzler was sore. This was literally the most thinking she'd ever had to do! "Think, Midnight, think!" she shouted at herself and dodged a wayward sword flung in her direction. But she couldn't think. Her big, goopy brain had literally locked up, caught between its own tendency to overanalyze things and a single, horrible truth. For there was one thing she could think about, only she didn't want to think about it. It was so important, this true thing, and thinking about not thinking about it meant that she was thinking about it, and the truthiness of it just sort of rushed out of the brain-fog like it was a big mountain made of ice that was going to sink the ship that she was on, drawing a muscular blue unicorn like one of those French girls and proclaiming herself Queen Of The World, only now she was old and thinking about how the ship had sunk and everyone had died and there was an awful pop song about it and boy, it was just sad as all get out. What would her friends do? Johnniepear and Wondercloud would be out there fighting the Ursa. Whisperlite would probably have calmed it down already with her creepy powers of cuteness. Fashionface would just be complaining about everything. Then there was Sugar Rush. Sugar Rush would be distracting it or maybe turning it into a black hole with some of her random hijinks. And by golly, that would be just the ticket, wouldn't it? Midnight Twinkle knew what to do. She summoned up all of her smartness and connected with her satellite. There was a long beep followed by a series of alternating tones and then something like a bee imitating a police siren, and then a high tone and then a low tone and then a robot going, "Wee-err, wee-err". Then her eyes glowed. The magic was literally happening in her horn. There was a moment when time stood still. Joxie had been hit by a wayward claw-sword and Sir Thrustlance was hustling her out of the way of literally a hundred more behind it. A small spray of blood droplets emerged from her shoulder. The Ursa was roaring, preparing to stomp on another building because that's just how it rolled. Somewhere, a hi-fi was playing a tune. And then Midnight unleashed her spell. Time sped back up. Joxie and Sir Thrustlance crashed into the earth and she grunted in pain. The Ursa also crashed to earth, but it was shrieking in pain because both of its front legs were missing. There wasn't any gore, I totally promise, they were literally just gone, son. "Now!" Midnight shouted. "Attack its weak point for massive damage!" She had no idea why she phrased it that way, but it worked. A look passed between Sir Thrustlance and Joxie. They nodded at each other, he helped her up, and they proceeded to literally punch the everloving snot out of the Ursa Extreme. Sword after sword, claw after claw, was punched right back into its stupid body, until finally it gave one last window-shattering bellow of rage, frustration and pain, and exploded. Sir Thrustlance and Joxie high-fived as they rode the shockwave away from where the bear had been, their forms silhouetted against the bright light. It was literally the coolest thing ever. They landed and tucked into a roll, grinning at each other as they regained their feet. "Just like old times," Sir Thrustlance said. Joxie grunted and nodded. Midnight Twinkle came running up. "That was amazing! Sir Thrustlance... Joxie... You were both so awesome..." Joxie smiled at her. "Not as awesome as the spell you used to subdue that Ursa. We might've taken way longer to beat it if not for your help. Thank you." Midnight Twinkle blushed hotly. You literally could have cooked an egg on her face if you threw one at her right then. Speaking of ponies who wanted to throw eggs at her, all of Midnight Twinkle's friends came dashing up just then because the house they'd been partying in had gotten slightly exploded. They gathered around the three heroes and were surprised. "Wow, Midnight Twinkle actually did something right for once?" said Wondercloud. "I'm impressed!" "I-it was nothing," Midnight said tsunderily. "Joxie and Sir Thrustlance did most of the work." "And Ah sure am mightily dightily impressed with'n y'all'n's wrangling thar," Johnniepear said to Joxie. "Did you really have to explode my house, though?" Fashionface complained. "Shit, I just rebuilt that mess, yaknow!" "Believe me," Joxie said darkly, "far more than one house would have exploded had Midnight Twinkle not acted when she did." Whisperlite was going to say something but didn't, for fear of breaking character. Instead, Sir Thrustlance said, "You all owe her your thanks, I think." Wondercloud saluted. "Pony City thanks you, and I thank you!" Midnight looked away and didn't know what to say. "But how did you beat it?" Sugar Rush asked, bouncing around. "I saw the spell you cast, what was it?" "Oh," said Midnight, "uh, well... It's kind of embarrassing to admit, but I thought about what all of you would do in the same situation. And I realized that it called for a little random thinking, Sugar Rush." She smiled. "So I cast a spell that revoked the Second Amendment." Sugar Rush gasped in surprise and she hugged Midnight really, really tightly, literally until she couldn't breathe. "I'm so proud of you! We should change your Element, too!" "Yeah!" Fashionface pointedly exclaimed. "Then you could be way cooler, just like me!" Midnight teleported out of the embrace and caught her breath. "Yeah, no, I don't think that's gonna happen. I think this proves I'm plenty cool the way I am." "I guess you're right," Wondercloud said, and scratched the back of her neck. "So, uh, sorry about having that party. I mean, we could have done something ourselves if we hadn't been so busy making fun of you. I guess it's a good thing you didn't come." "Let that be a lesson to you all," said Joxie, using her imposing size to quiet them. "Stand by your friends, if your friends they truly are. For at the end of the day, comradeship is what will carry you through your darkest hours." She grinned at Sir Thrustlance, and he nodded at her. "And comradeship is truly enchantment." She exchanged a light fistbump with Sir Thrustlance and literally only one bird exploded. Then she turned to the road out of Pony City. As she began to walk away, Midnight grabbed her cape with magic and tugged on it. "Wait, please! Where are you going?" Joxie smirked. "I was just walking away so you would stop me." Midnight's eyes began to water. "Joxie, I know I just met you, and this is crazy, but..." "Shh." Joxie's powerful finger alighted carefully on Midnight's lips. "No tears now, only dreams. Your heart speaks through a power greater than words." She scooped Midnight Twinkle up into her massive arms and they started making out noisily. Whisperlite looked away, embarrassed. Johnniepear stuck her tongue out. Wondercloud just laughed, and Sugar Rush cheered. Fashionface moved over to Sir Thrustlance and looked up at him. "Oh, Sir Thrustlance," she said, her voice full of whimsy, "Midnight may have saved the day, but you were wonderful, too. I just thought that maybe, if you weren't doing anything later, we could--" "I'm sorry, Lady Fashionface," Sir Thrustlance said quickly. He turned from her. "I know you have always desired my muscular arms, my gleaming scales, and my chiseled jaw, but the fact is I am a knight, and knights are duty-bound to their charges." His gaze moved over to where Midnight and Joxie were still exploring each other's esophagi with their tongues. There were saliva strands everywhere. "And that means I stay with her." That evening, Midnight Twinkle played her pipe organ in the graveyard once again. But it wasn't a song of sadness and dark gothitude. It was the tune of a pony who finally had friends. It was the piping of a mare in love, pining for her intended who was off across the ocean, punching krakens in the eye. It was the melody of someone who at long last had a reason to be happy. Tears flowed freely from her eyes as she played. She was literally, truly happy, for once in her long, gothy life. When she was done, she searched around the graveyard, but found she was alone. It was a strange feeling. Usually Sir Thrustlance was always there by her side. But on that day, he was standing on a nearby cliffside, gazing out at Princess Sunnycheek's sun as it sank below the horizon. The wind blew his cape out behind him as if it were a flowing mane of glistening, radiant hair. That same wind carried the scent of lilacs and malt whiskey. Fashionface's scent. He turned his head, and a single tear glistened in the last rays of light. THE END (A/N: so like i TOTALLY wanna thank my new co-author, rArEgEmLoVeR for giving me the idea for this story and coming up with Sir Thrustlance as a character. He really helped me make this story awesome! This is kind of a new turn for me as a writer i think but i hope everypony enjoys this one! and like I always say, keep on partying (and reading too!) <3333) Pinkie Pie sniffled, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue. "That last line always gets me, y'know?" she said, her voice squeaking with emotion. "It's just such a tragic love story. I mean, they can never be together!" Twilight frowned, glancing from the screen in front of her to her friend. "Yes, Pinkie, it's very... 'tragic'. For a definition of the word." She cleared her throat. "So tell me again why you shipped my character with a musclebound version of Trixie." Pinkie sprang up, all trace of tears suddenly gone. "Oh, you two are cute together, so it just makes sense! Plus the fans like it." "The fans." Twilight looked at Pinkie, who stared at her with an unwavering smile. "Uh-huh. I'd still like to know why you made me into a goth." "Oh Twilight, Twilight, Twilight." Pinkie clucked her tongue and shook her head. "You've been editing my fanfics for how long and you haven't learned to stop asking questions like that?" Placing a hoof to her forehead, Twilight turned back to the screen with a sigh. "You may have a point. But I do have one more question." "Oh, anything! Ask awayski!" "Pinkie, do you know what 'literally' means?" "Really!" "How about 'turgid'?" There was a lengthy pause. The bell above the door of Sugarcube Corner dingled. From the stairs came the muffled voice of Mrs. Cake, calling, "Pinkie! Rainbow Dash is here!" "It's like dishwater, right? All murky and opaque and stuff!" Pinkie grinned. "That's why he hangs around with Midnight Twinkle, after all, because he likes dark things too!" "That's what I thought." Twilight began to massage the spot below her horn. "Pinkie?" "Yeah, Twilight?" "Don't stop being you." She sighed heavily. "I'm going to have to have a looong talk with a certain dragon when I get home."