Chapter 9
“Oh, come on Rarity! I told you guys my secret crush, just tell us one little secret,” Twilight pleaded.
We were all sitting in a circle, talking. Before we were just chatting and gossiping a bit, but then we moved on to the topic of secrets— it was fun to hear about others’ secrets of course but I knew eventually it would come to me…
Rarity huffed and rolled her eyes, a slight blush on her cheeks. “They’re called secrets for a reason… Ugh, fine. When we were freshmen, I had a crush on Applejack’s brother.”
I burst out laughing. “Aw, Rarity, that’s adorable. I never thought you’d have a crush on a quiet, rugged farm-boy,” I said.
She shrugged. “Yes, well, he is quite the looker you have to admit. Well, what about you Applejack? Any burning secrets of yours?”
I thought I saw something flash in her eyes, but maybe it was just my imagination. I shifted slightly.
Burning secrets? Oh, you mean the fact that I like girls? Or maybe the fact that I’m completely infatuated with my best friend, Rainbow Dash?
“Uh, well, I don’t think so. Nothing too ‘burning’,” I answered. “I mean, you guys already found out about me and Jack and that was pretty much my biggest secret.”
Rarity smirked and I thought I saw disappointment flash in her eyes. “Well, phoo, I wanted to hear some juicy secrets.”
I smirked as well. “Sorry.”
I wanted to tell them, I really did. I didn’t even necessarily need to tell them about Rainbow Dash, but I did want to tell them of my sexual orientation. I didn’t want to keep secrets from them, but this was just something I couldn’t tell. It would just make matters worse. Then they’d all be wondering why I’m dating Jack and I wouldn’t have the guts to tell them that I’m just hoping he can distract me from what’s really in my heart.
I looked down in shame as my stomach dropped and I swallowed hard. Things were kind of messed up with me right now; problem was, I didn’t know how to fix them. I guess I could talk to someone about it— I’m sure Twilight would understand, she’s always been a good listener— but a small part of my stubborn reserve kept me from doing so.
A flash of color in the corner of my eye snapped me out of my daze and I looked out the window— in the direction of the color. It was dark out, the ending dusk, but even through the poor lighting I could make out Rainbow Dash’s hair perfectly. My brow furrowed, confusion running through my mind as to why she was out there. Did her date end already?
I stood up and walked over to the window; the others followed quickly, wondering what I was looking at. Twi opened the door soon afterwards, light from her house shedding on Rainbow Dash and catching her attention. She looked up at us and then crossed the street so Twilight wouldn’t have to yell.
“Hey Rainbow! Is your date over?” Twilight asked.
“Yeah,” she said. Her face was emotionless and her eyes darted back and forth between me and Twilight.
Something was wrong.
“Do you want to come and join us? We’re just telling secrets and stuff,” Twilight asked.
Rainbow scratched the back of her neck and winced. “I’m actually kind of tired. I think I’m just gonna head home.”
Something was very wrong. I could see it in her eyes; they were distressed.
“Oh, okay then,” Twilight said with disappointment. I scrutinized Rainbow Dash, trying to figure her out.
She waved a short goodbye and continued on her walk.
…Walk?
That’s when it hit me. She was walking home. There was no way Clad would have made her walk home from his house unless something happened between them. But even if they had a fight, he still would have given her a ride, wouldn’t he have?
I cast a worried glance at the others and they returned the look. They were probably thinking the same thing as me, or at least had seen that something was obviously wrong with her. Twilight nodded to me barely, and I knew what they were expecting of me. I was RD’s best friend, and the one who connected best with her. It was obvious I would be the one to go after her and make sure she’s okay.
I grimaced slightly. “I’ll be back, don’t wait up for me,” I said quietly, but Rainbow was too far off to hear me now anyway.
“Good luck,” Twilight said. “I hope she’s okay…”
I left to follow after Rainbow, and Twilight and the others went back inside. I couldn’t see Rainbow Dash anymore so I went in the direction she had been heading. But I didn’t even really need to see her to know where she was going. She was going to the forest.
She always went there whenever she wanted to think or be by herself. It’s always been one of her favorite places, and in more recent times it became a place of solitude and deep thinking rather than just the fun, mysterious forest it used to be.
I crossed the road and the trees began to get thicker at the start of the forest. I felt the concrete turn to dirt and leaves under my feet when I walked into the forest, the trees getting thicker as I continued on. After a bit of walking, I finally found my target. There she was, sitting against a tree with her back facing towards me. She made no indication to whether or not she heard me approaching her.
Silently, I sat down next to her, pulling my knees up and hugging them close to my chest. I looked at her, but said nothing. Her face was turned the other way so I had no idea what her emotions were.
Sighing inaudibly, I looked at the ground and remained silent for a couple more moments.
“Are you okay?” I asked finally.
She didn’t move. I looked over at her again, wishing she’d look at me.
When she didn’t reply, I asked her again. “What happened?” My voice was barely above a whisper. I felt afraid of breaking the silence of the forest.
Come on, Dashie, please turn to me, I implored silently.
She brought her knees even closer to her chest and rubbed her head against them. I wanted to see her eyes. I needed to see them now. Please, I thought, please be filled with tears. Because I knew what the other option was…
Detached. Dull eyes, with no response. I feared those eyes so much. I didn’t know what she would do to herself with those eyes. I don’t know if Dash has ever tried to hurt herself, and I hope to God that she hasn’t, but with those eyes I truly fear that she would do it.
I didn’t realize until I snapped out of my daze that my throat was aching and my eyes were filled with tears. I glanced over to my right and saw Rainbow Dash watching me silently. Most of her face was covered by her hair but I could still see one deep magenta eye staring at me.
I blinked away my tears and my lip twitched. I felt like I should say something, but nothing came out. I then realized that her eyes, too, were teary and red. Relief washed through me, and at the same time, sadness. It hurt to see her like this.
She broke eye contact with me and lifted her head a bit, staring intensely at her knees. I watched her closely. She twiddled with her thumbs.
“I broke up with Clad,” she said quietly, as if the act of speaking were exhausting to her.
I wasn’t surprised, just sort of wondered why. What bothered me was that she wasn’t angry. Clad must have done or said something that really hurt her. I rested my head on my knees in further attempt to make eye contact with her. Her eyes flicked about, but didn’t meet mine. She looked nervous, or anxious.
“He, um…” Her voice shook and she continued to twiddle with her fingers. “He tried to get me to have sex with him.”
My brow furrowed.
“And when I refused, he got hostile. So I left,” she said.
My eyes flickered over to that bruise I’d seen on her arm a while ago, and I felt like a moron for not realizing it sooner.
“Did he give this to you?” I asked quietly, gesturing to the bruise. She looked at it and nodded.
At first, I didn’t really feel any emotion other than sadness for her. I pulled her into a hug, which she softly returned. Her arms tightened around my waist and I felt her muscles tense up. I rubbed her back and she began to cry on my shoulder.
This was the second time I had seen Rainbow really cry. For the most part, she kept her feelings in, like, all the time. It was frustrating— for all of us. We wanted to help her, to let her know that it was okay to talk about things.
Her crying soon turned to sobbing. My eyes stung with my own tears. That’s when I felt anger for what Clad had done. My stomach bubbled with fury; I clenched my jaw to hold back the hatred. I would never use Rainbow Dash like he did.
I rested my mouth on her shoulder and she cried harder into mine, and I knew this was about more than just Clad. I think the real reason she was so upset was because she was used, made to feel lesser than herself.
The first time I’d ever seen Rainbow Dash cry was quite possibly the worst day of my life— a day none of us liked to remember. The day Rainbow Dash’s parents died.
~ ~ ~
It was the 8th of December. Our freshman year in high school. We were all in our last class, I can’t remember which one it was now— math, maybe, or language arts. I guess it doesn’t matter now. It was the only class that all six of us had together and the teacher was up at the front going through some notes.
About fifteen minutes into the class period a security guard came in and asked for Rainbow Dash. A chorus of “Ooh’s” went up around the room, save from the six of us. Rainbow Dash looked just as clueless as us but she followed the security guard, bringing her bag with her.
The class returned to normal, but after a while, Rainbow Dash still hadn’t come back. Pinkie Pie leaned in towards us. “Dashie’s been gone a long time. Do you think she’s in trouble?”
“I don’t know,” Twilight whispered back. “She’s never really gotten into any real trouble, even if it is Rainbow Dash.”
“I hope everything’s alright,” Rarity said. She bit her lip nervously. Fluttershy nodded in agreement.
I looked at the door, my brow furrowing in worry. Leave it up to Rainbow Dash to get herself in trouble with the police. What if she was caught stealing something? Or worse? What if she was caught with drugs? My mind raced, imagining all the bad things that might have happened.
I never could have imagined what would come later that day.
When Rainbow Dash didn’t return the rest of the class period, I decided I would go to the office after school and see if she was still there. When the bell rang, I told the others I was going to head over there and started on my way.
Sure enough, she was there, sitting on a chair with her head in her hands. Shit, I thought. What did she do?
I rushed over but as I got closer, something felt off. She wasn’t burying her hands because she was in trouble. She was… crying. I looked at her, completely baffled.
“Rainbow…” I whispered.
She let out a sob and I instinctively grabbed her, pulling her into a hug. I pulled her up on her feet and she wrapped her arms around me, burying her head into my shoulder. She sobbed louder, uncontrollably even. I felt sick, not wanting to think about what was the cause of all this.
I let go of her with my right arm and pulled out my phone, sending out a text to the others as quickly as I could.
-Come to the office. Now.
I put my arm back around her and rested my chin on her shoulder, my stomach twisting in knots. It didn’t take long for the others to arrive, thankfully. They rushed over, looking just as baffled as I was. I simply shot them a look and shook my head slowly to show that I was just as clueless as they were.
Rainbow clutched my shirt harder, sobbing louder than before. I felt sick to my stomach and my vision began to get blurry with tears. Rarity rushed over to the security guard who looked like he was sorting something out at the desk.
“Excuse me, do you mind me asking what happened?” Rarity said quietly.
The guard looked over at Rainbow Dash with pity and slowly shook his head. He tried to speak quietly but we all could hear what he said— I assumed Rainbow Dash could hear him as well. What he said next made my blood run cold.
“Her parents were in a car accident this morning. Killed on impact.”
I swear time stopped in that moment. It was like… like… I don’t even know how to explain it. Like, it wasn’t true. Impossible. I felt numb, trying to grasp the words I’d just heard, but not wanting to at the same time.
Twilight gasped, bringing her hand to her mouth as her eyes filled with tears. Pinkie instinctively hugged Rainbow Dash along with me, joined soon by the others.
I’m not even able to describe that day, years after the fact. Rainbow Dash was my best friend and her parents dying was almost like losing mine all over again. We all loved her parents to death, and it was unreal that they could possibly be gone.
After that day, everything changed. Rainbow Dash didn’t come to school for weeks and when she did come back she was a completely different person. She didn’t talk to anybody, including us. The only person she allowed in her life was Cloudchaser. I don’t know what that girl did, but she got through to her somehow and stuck with her in her time of need. Frankly, I was just thankful someone was there to help her.
That was a bad time for all of us. We all worried about Rainbow Dash and her depression got to us too. It took a while, but eventually she started letting us back into her life. I got through to her first.
She began to improve a lot over time, talking to people— laughing even— but she still was not the same. Until one day. Well, it was more like one week. I’m not entirely sure what happened to her, what went through her mind, but she… it was like she was happy again, out of nowhere. She acted like her normal self.
Everyone was astounded and we began to fear if she was in denial about the whole thing. We singled her out one day and asked her about it. To this day, I still think about the answer she gave us.
She told us that she was not over her parents’ death— not by a long shot. She was more anguished than words could express, but she had seen how much her own depression was affecting people over the course of those several months. And she didn’t want people to feel the way she did, so she changed. She also told us that she knew there was no way her parents were coming back and it was only hurting herself to act the way she did.
“I’m not over their deaths, nor am I ignoring it,” Rainbow Dash had told us, “But I can’t let this destroy who I am.”
She looked up at us with a pained smile and a kind of torture in her eyes that I never could have imagined. “It hurts. More than you guys can imagine. But I’m going to try my hardest to go back to the person I was before.”
And she did, for the most part. She remembered that person she used to be— the joker, the prankster, the daredevil, the athlete, and the loyal friend we all loved to death. I remembered that when I heard those words of hers, I respected her more than I ever had before. Very few people have the strength to do something like that.
We all know Rainbow still hurts, a lot. But she didn’t lose who she was, and honestly, when someone goes through a tragedy, that’s one of the most important things to remember: who you really are.
I was very young when my own parents died. I still remember them, but I did not suffer the kind of pain Rainbow suffered. Although, she did have one thing on me. At least she was still able to have her parents for a while, whereas mine went away when I was just a child.
But then again, I did also grow up with a large and caring family. We all helped each other move on, helped each other grow into the people we are today— heck, we’d make Ma and Pa proud if they could see us now.
~ ~ ~
A sniff jolted me back to reality and it took me a moment to realize my surroundings again. Rainbow was leaning against me and I held her protectively as the last of her sobs began to die down. Right, this isn’t about me. It’s about Rainbow Dash, I thought.
I petted her head softly as the memories drifted away and I focused more on my best friend, vulnerable and broken as she laid in my arms. I thought about Clad, and my stomach burned in anger in response. How could he have just used her like this?
I would never hurt you, Rainbow Dash, I thought.
She stirred in my arms and I looked down. I loosened my hold a bit and she backed up, pulling away from the hug. She wiped her eyes and let out a soft chuckle.
“Man, it’s been a while since I cried like that,” she said, looking at the ground.
I smiled softly. “You okay, sugarcube?”
She nodded. “Yeah, I’m good now. Thanks, Applejack. I…“
I waited for her to finish but she never did. I reached out and put my hand on her leg as a comforting gesture. “Do you want to come back to Twilight’s house? I doubt they’ve gone to bed yet, and it’d be nice having you over… Maybe get you to forget about this for a little bit.”
She looked up, finally meeting me in the eyes. “Thanks, but I’m pretty tired and I don’t want the girls seeing me like this. I’m just gonna head home.”
We stood up together. “I’ll walk you home,” I said.
“No, it’s fine,” Rainbow Dash said. “Go back to Twilight’s, I’m sure they’re missing you.”
I looked at her, unsure, and she returned the look with a pair of reassuring eyes. “I’ll be fine, AJ.”
My lip twitched. After a moment, I sighed in defeat and pulled her in for another quick hug. “Alright, Rainbow. Be safe, okay? Can you… text me or something to let me know you got home okay?”
She smiled softly, that familiar teasing glint coming back into her eyes. “Alright, mom,” she chastised quietly.
We separated and headed our different ways. I watched her for a couple steps before turning around and heading back to Twilight’s house. The walk felt longer than it was; I guess the night’s events had just weighed down on me.
The others were playing a board game— silently it looked like; guess they were worried about us— when I got back. They all got up when I walked in, looking at me with both relief and expectancy.
“We talked for a while, I think she’ll be okay,” I said. “She headed home— I think it’s best she got some rest right now anyway.”
Twilight nodded. “Is everything okay between… her and Clad?” she asked hesitantly.
“They broke up,” I said. I didn’t say why; I figured it wasn’t my place to tell.
Twilight nodded again and seemed to get the hint that I wasn’t going to elaborate any further. She pointed over at the board game with a little smile. “Want to join the game?”
I smiled. “Sure.”
We weren’t ignoring the subject, but we knew it wasn’t best to brood over it as well. The board game went by calmly, but it was fun and by the end of it we were all ready for bed. During the game I’d gotten a text from Rainbow assuring me she’d made it home safely, making me feel a lot more relieved.
After the game, everyone said goodnight and headed off to their usual beds. I sat in my bed alone, wondering if my usual sleeping partner was still up or not. I hoped that I’d made her feel a bit better, and I really hoped she wasn’t up in her room crying again. I wondered if Nick talked with her at all.
I guess it didn’t really matter. I closed my eyes and got comfortable in the bed. It felt cold, but in a good way. Surprisingly, for all that had happened that night, I was pretty emotionless while lying in that bed. I guess maybe I was just drained and my body had already decided that it was going to sleep.
After getting comfortable, I let out a sigh and let my body go limp. My heart beat once heavily and I thought of Rainbow Dash, feeling a bit of emotion once again. I still loved her. No way I’d ever stop. But nights like these were just… draining. I tried to let go of it and let my body rest. You worry about her too much, Applejack. She’s strong and she’ll get over it in no time.
Those final reassuring thoughts put my mind to ease and I was able to finally fall asleep.