//------------------------------// // Pet Projects in Ponyland // Story: Devious Days with The Devil's Daughter // by EveningShadows //------------------------------// Why we were talking my new pet to the hospital and not the vet I could not comprehend. All Dizzy said was 'its not that kind of pet,' in that one voice. I think you all know what I'm talking about. The really annoying one. Fatherly condescension. Yeah, that one. Before we set out I'd decided to make his dead animal jacket less creepy. When I snapped my claws and turned it into a black cloth jacket he flinched and glared at me. He muttered something about 'expensive,' 'no respect,' and 'fucking demon witch.' I tried to ignore him but he kept muttering until I yelled in his face. Not my proudest moment I admit, but I did promise to change it back later. The walk to the hospital was... weird. I know that doesn't sound right coming from a chaos spirit but it was weird even by our standards. My shiny-new-pet kept clutching at me as if if he let go he'd fall right through the ground. He'd also been clutching at the walls of building. Whenever I strayed to far from a building wall he'd freak out and clutch at the wall muttering dark things about something called a 'car' and 'screaming metal death traps.' I'd occasionally look around for said horrors only to find a peaceful, idealic street, with snow lightly patterned onto a soothing canvas. It was late at night on Hearth's Warming Eve. There was absolutely nopony on the street. And yet he was still freaking out. Oh yeah. Figured out he's a male. Do. Not. Ask. Why. Why were we walking I kept asking myself that question. I'd already asked Discord but he just smiled mysteriously. Like a douche. I'm pretty sure I knew the answer. He's laughing at us. I sighed inwardly. My sigh escaped outward as we entered an intersection and my shiny-new-pet grabbed onto me for dear life. "Gods, will you chill?!" I said glaring at him. He glared right back at me, "Oh yeah, lets chill. Says the fucking demon lady." Daddy Ditsy decided to take that moment to turn around, not even bothering to walk he just slid backwards, "Oh the human speaks to us finally." My human glared daggers at him to, "Yeah I was speaking a lot for anyone to listen. You remember? Help! Oh dear god! Take me to a hospital! I need medication! Demonic hallucinations have kidnapped me!" He stage whispered those. I'm not sure why. He'd been screaming fine earlier. I rolled my eyes. "And so we're talking you to the hospital." "Yeah, finally! After how many fucking hours of you two cuddling on the couch sharing horror stories." "Hey those are good sto--" "Aren't you demons only supposed to kidnap people that summon you." He interrupted me. I glared at him. He elected not to notice. "Look I'm not a christian but I'm pretty sure there's a manual for this sort of thing." "A manual?!" Discord and I burst out at the same time followed by howls of laughter. He just glared at us. "What kind of manual is there for this sort of thing?!" I half shouted at him between my laughter. "And why would we follow it?!" Discord burst in after me. He finally let go of me, I'm assuming to cross his arms and glare at us. He kept his back firmly against the wall. "Yeah a manual for demon abductions! I'm pretty sure there's some rules written some where on a stone tablet or carved out of a fucking mountain. Pretty simple shit. Thou shalt not invade the world of humans. The humans must summon you. Dramatic irony will cause the evil demon summoner to make a fatal mistake. The demon will then take the human to Hell where he will be tortured or raped or killed over and over again. Or maybe sold to other demon to do their house work. That kind of shit!" We stared at the human's explanation of the rules we were apparently supposed to follow, straight faced until the very end. Then of course we burst out laughing. "That is some sick plop human!" I could barely form the words passed my laughter. "Where do you come up with this?!" His glare deepened "Hey, I didn't make it up. Its in the bible. And its basically the entire plot of every demon summoning story." "Sorry to break it to you kid, but we're not demons," Discord chimed in, mirth still infecting his voice. He groaned, "then what the hell are you?" "We're called draconequus." He groaned again, this time adding rolled eyes, "Well that's a distinction without a difference if I've ever heard one." I started back up with the laughter. Discord wasn't quite sure what to say to that but he smiled anyway. "You were right Dad we did get a fun one!" He glared at us both as we laughed our asses of. Almost literally. Not a lot happened the rest of the way. It was mostly glares, light laughter and clutching for dear life. It was nice though, the clutching was less panicked. I guess I'd succeed in calming my pet down. Woo! First step to being a good owner! I was pretty proud of myself. I mean yeah it was mostly accidental but I wasn't about to let that stray thought harsh my buzz. ------- When we finally got to the hospital my human forgot his fear, let go of me and briskly walked up to the receptionist. "Hello," he said looking at the space about a head above her face, "I need a psychologist immediately. I'm having vivid hallucinations and I need some heavy anti-psychotics." "O-Okay." shuddered out a white mare in a nurse uniform. I bet I could pull that off, I thought to myself idly. Nurse uniforms are always hot. She looked like she was wondering what was hanging above her that was so bucking interesting. I was wondering too, but I couldn't see plot. Then the mare looked over to us. She paled even whiter than she already was. Which was a pretty amazing achievement. She should be proud of herself. I mean really 'cus she'd already paled out from my human. Not that he noticed. Her hoofs grasped clumsily for the intercom. When she finally got it working she stuttered frantically into it. "Y-y-yes I n-n-need sec-curity. And a-a psychologist, asap!" She managed to finish strong I'll give her that. My human seemed a little irked though. If I had to guess I'd be because she put his precious psychologist in as an after-thought. Dizzy and I just stood around behind him until the receptionist got up her courage. Good on her, "M-m-may I h-help you?" My human spoke before either of us had the chance. "Yes, you've already helped me. I just need some meds." He was still speaking to that empty spot above her head. "So whats up with the looking above her head thing?" He looked back at me and glared. Oh this is gonna be good. "Well, demon, if you must know. I'm having vivid hallucinations." He said that with a blank look, like he expected me to know the answer. I shot him a blank look back, "Go on..." I said motioning with my hands He sighed deeply, "Well I'm seeing a white pony nurse. So I'm assuming its a woman. If it is, her face is right here." He pointed to where he'd be looking while talking. "Which means her cleavage should be right there." He pointed at her face without looking. "I don't want to piss of the only help I can get so I'm playing it safe." Me and Discord had held our laughter in until he'd finished, barely keeping the snickering from elevating. Yup. Hit the target. It was good! Dizzy was literally off the floor laughing. I was clutching my sides barely able to keep standing. My human groaned loudly, "Sorry about that. I was just talking to my hallucinations." He said it to the space above her head. "Uhh.... Sir. I hate to break it to you but those are both very real." I heard another loud groan and then a thunk. He was laying his head on the receptionist's desk covering his face in his hands. Whispering no over and over again. Gods! Best pet ever! He lifted his head up with a snap. Finally looking the mare in the face with an angry glare. "Well I guess that explains why security is taking so long. You're a hallucination too!" he half screamed in her face. More laughter. "Oh yeah laugh it up, peanut gallery!" I had no idea what that meant but it was still bucking great. "Attention everybody!" he yelled at an alarming volume across the hospital waiting room. "I am having vivid hallucinations and I need a psychiatrist now!" he punctuated the 'now' with a stomp of his foot. Looking around the hospital I saw the ponies. There weren't a lot of them mind you, but they were all conspicuously busy, running around with clip boards, hurriedly doing paperwork, I saw one stallion furiously reading a magazine like his life depended on it. My human gazed out at it all. I assume he saw the same thing because he let out a deep sigh. He then did a gesture I'd never seen before but for some reason I instantly understood. He looked up at the ceiling, pinched the bridge of his nose, squeezed his eyes closed, and groaned, all in one fluid motion. Discord was laughing again but I was struck with an odd feeling. For whatever reason I knew what that strange motion meant. The thought 'bone-weary-exasperation' floated through my head. I guess I felt sympathy. I moved up to him and gave him I tight hug. He stiffened for a moment then relaxed and returned the hug. "Hey it'll be okay, I'm supposed to take care of you, ya know?" "How? I've got hallucinations so vivid I can feel them, and now I've got a fucking NMP field in a damn hospital." He sighed. "And for some reason the idea that you're supposed to take care of me doesn't fill me with comfort. It fills me with the fear that you're going to give me concrete shoes and dump my in a deep lake." Even though he said that he didn't loosen his grip on the hug... err... on me I guess. I squelched those thoughts quickly though. So it was fine. Except My Father was laughing again. I guess he heard the concrete shoes schpeal. Wait... The gears in my head turned slowly for longer than I'm willing to admit. I broke out of the hug, took a step back, and looked at him with dead serious eyes. He replied with the same serious look but with a raised eyebrow. "Whats an NMP field?" Then he smil smirked... kinda. It was a crooked sideways smile that showed off one little fang and few other teeth. It was a good smile. Smirk. Thing. The first smile. We're going with smile. That I'd seen from him. I felt a change in the air. Like a pressure I hadn't noticed had faded. I think it was because of that smile. It spoke things to me in a tainted whispered sort of way. It spoke of past misery and sorrow, defeated, and given way to a new vision. It spoke of the pure joy of finding the absurd in the mundane. Of the endless contradictions in the complexities of the universe and the things that live in it. It said to me "Live is short, the universe is a cruel joke played on us by a laughing god. The only free thing is pain, but we are the captain of our own ship, the masters of our own fate. Your happiness is your responsibility and no one else's, no one else's happiness is your responsibility. You can find your bliss if you work hard enough, but nothing good is free, and just remember, the last laugh is always on you." It was the universe's great, private joke and now I was in on it. I felt... relieved. But at the same time I felt the weight of responsibility fall on my shoulders and it felt... good. Responsibility had never felt good in my life, but it did now. I gave a smile to this odd creature. It was warm but held a hard edge. Something like joy and determination. I think he saw. I think he knew that I knew his joke. He waited for a moment, I assume to let me enjoy this new joke, to let me know that I didn't have to live in my rut any longer. But then it was all washed away into a deeper place inside me and it held firm there. Like a seed growing roots. It was washed away by what he said next. "Well the NMP field is the most powerful invisibility technology my kind has created. It mean Not-My-Problem field. The bigger your problem the more uninvolved people ignore you. Apparently it works in hospitals too." I looked down on the blushing secretary who was very intent on her paperwork, I looked at the hurried ponies with their clip boards, I looked at the stallion furiously reading his magazine. And I saw it. A completely normal, mundane hospital and it was absolutely absurd! I mean sure there were a few oddities, us, but we didn't really matter next to the power of the NMP field. And I laughed deeply and he laughed with me. I knew I was going to like this new pet. I don't think Discord got it. He's never really been one for subtly. He just looked at us with an eyebrow raised. "Did I miss something?" 'Yes, yes you did you old fool! Now I know exactly why all your schemes ended in failure!' But I didn't tell him that, I simply straightened myself out and shook my head sagely. I couldn't shake that crooked smile though. That was there to stay.