July 9th, 1 DR
Man, it’s been a slow week.
Aside from the fact nothing has been going on around here for the past five days, meaning most of my time has been once again ‘guarding’ corridors.
Gee, ain’t being a guard swell?
Anyway, the only other thing that has happened was I managed to piss off the majority of the other guards. After my… ‘fun’ with Berry Punch the other day on my night off, I admittedly might have bragged about it.
Okay, I lied. I went full out bragging about it.
Still, I got a couple of high fives from a couple of the other guards, so all in all not to bad I suppose.
Speaking of boring assignments, I’m supposedly being assigned to overseeing the new recruits on the twelfth. Apparently, Princess Luna used to have a royal guard of her own which was made up of mostly the night guard, however, when she was banished a thousand years ago the guard was disbanded. Now that she’s back, they only had a few soldiers really willing to join her guard, due to their suspicions still of her being that Nightmare Moon.
Those cowardly fucks, calling themselves guards.
I would have offered in all honesty, but… I doubt Princess Luna would have liked me being around her, given the whole pornography incident. She still hasn’t forgiven me for that…
So yeah, come the twelfth, me and a couple of the others will be essentially babysitting the new cadets and showing them the ropes and yadda, yadda, yadda.
Can’t… wait.
Ah well, gunna be patrolling the lower districts of the city tomorrow with the sergeant. Hopefully that will be somewhat fun.
~Copper.
July 10th, 1 DR
Today was a fucking unbelievably great day.
No, I mean it, today was absolutely fan-fucking-tastic!
So there I was, being assigned on patrol duty with my sergeant, Clover Wing, in the lower districts of Canterlot where the how you say… lower classes dwell, when we somehow managed to get lost. Okay, by that I mean I got myself lost after I was distracted by this woman with a fine looking arse.
I seriously have a problem I think…
So anyway, there I was by myself in the lower districts lost. I took a few deep breaths and kept my cool, just like they taught us in training.
Okay… I lied, I kinda had a small breakdown and curled up in an alley way wanting to be anywhere but there. But that’s where it started to get better for me.
As I lay there in a pathetic, gibbering mess. I overheard someone talking nearby in near hushed whispers. I closed my eyes and focused on the sounds and worked out they were coming from the building I was beside, like in a basement or something.
Naturally, I got curious and crawled my way to a small window that was nearby and peeked inside. It was fairly dark in there but I managed to make out at least three shapes in the darkness.
No doubt some criminal scum that I had to stop right there.
As I watched them, I failed to hear the sounds of something behind me and before I knew it, everything had gone dark. I awoke Celestia knows how many hours later, tied to a chair with my helmet gone and in the room with the four figures.
They had applauded me for finding their little hideout location as well as stumbling upon their great and evil plan. Given I had no idea what plan they were fucking blabbering on about, I somehow managed to trick them into revealing their plan to me.
They showed me several documents containing their plan which was that they were going to kidnap and hold Prince Blueballs for a large ransom, and if the ransom wasn’t paid then they would kill him.
I will admit, for a brief moment I sorta considered letting them get on with the plan.
But, out of the goodness of my heart — that and they were going to kill me for knowing too much — I decided that I must break free and either subdue my captors, or simply break free and run away back to the safe, warm barracks and let the higher ups deal with it.
I went for the latter.
I waited until I was left alone in the room, watching as they went to go and get drunk to celebrate the beginning of their plan in the morning. Not really the smartest bunch of people.
I think I waited for at least an hour until I was certain I was alone before attempting my valiant escape.
After struggling with my bonds for what I assume was at least a couple more hours, I managed to get myself free but not after falling over in the chair and fucking my arm up. I will admit I remained in the ground for a while when I had fallen due to not knowing if the bastards who tied me up in the first place had heard it or not, but thankfully they hadn’t.
I quickly retrieved me helmet which was on a nearby table and found my sword which was also nearby and began to make my way out of the room. I figured that they wouldn’t be awake still, given they did say they were going to get drunk.
Oh boy, was I wrong…
I opened that door to see four drunken would-be royal kidnappers, sitting at a table staring right at me, drunk off their arses and looking completely confused as to why and how I was standing there. The one nearest me then went for me, drawing a sword — albeit sloppily — and swung for me. I managed to back up and sidestep out of the way into the room I was held hostage and the idiot must have caught his foot on something as he stumbled and fell over, smashing into the table that had my helmet on it and knocked himself out cold.
I looked back at the other three who were staring at their fallen comrade, completely shocked before turning their attention to me and charging at me.
For a moment, I thought I was dead for sure.
Luckily… alcohol and swordsmanship don’t go together.
The first guy who went to swing at me, I was able to block it with my own sword and push him back, which caused him to stumble into one of the others. The guy he fell into threw him to one side and caused him to smash into another table that was in the room they were in — at least I think it was a table, I never did check — and lunge for me.
This time I was alert. I raised my sword up to block his attack as he brought it down on me.
But, the sword made a loud ‘thunk’ sound as it embedded itself into the wooden frame of the doorway. He struggled to get it out and was cursing at the thing until he finally got it out.
But he pulled it out too quickly.
He stumbled back and lost his balance and like the other two, he went straight into the table they had been sitting at and that to broke.
Some serious shoddy workmanship…
Anyway, seeing that he was now on his own. The last guy let out a roar of anger and ran at me, ready to thrust his sword into me. I quickly did what any rational, level headed guard would do at that moment in time.
I grabbed the door and slammed it in his face, knocking him out.
Okay, maybe that isn’t what any rational, level headed guard would do but hey, at least it worked.
Then, out of fucking nowhere, I heard the sounds of another door being violently bashed in and heavy, armoured footsteps rush in. I looked up to see several royal guards burst into the room and look at me stunned, staring at the bodies of the kidnappers on the ground. Turns out, they had been planning to raid that building after getting a tip off other day and the captain had selected only what he deemed, ‘the best of the best’ of the royal guards.
Oh and when the captain actually came in after the first lot, the look on his face was just…
Okay, I’m going to give you an image here.
Imagine you’ve gone round your girlfriend's parents house for the weekend, its a saturday night and you're both feeling frisky, but her parents don’t want you sleeping in the same room.
You decide to sneak into her room.
You decide to get naked before entering her room.
You clamber into her bed and cuddle up, showing her your ‘enthusiasm’.
Your face when you’ve cuddled naked against her grandmother and grinded your erection against her.
THAT is the only way I can describe the horrified and shocked face of the captain, when he saw me in that room, with four defeated traitors against the royal family.
So, after taking the credit for finding out about their operation and defeating them (yes of course I lied, why the fuck would I not?) I was debriefed — with no spit this time — and get this.
Tomorrow I’m getting promoted to corporal and a medal award ceremony and a personal thank you from the Princesses AND I found out the captain is retiring tomorrow and lieutenant Shining Armour is replacing him.
This day has been just perfect.
~Copper.