//------------------------------//
// Is this bench laced with contact hallucinogens? 
// Story: Gods and Fishing Lines 
// by Dancing Question 
//------------------------------//

	“I never did find out what happened to the Smartypants doll I enchanted last night,“ Twilight told me.

When I said excuse, I had no idea she’d be this facepalmtastically literal. Normally I’d be pondering whether or not the Streisand effect is relevant here, what with it being the doll that started a riot, but I’d probably learn the area better if I was actually going to places instead of wandering around aimlessly. I don’t think I’m in imminent danger of freezing anything right now, but that would probably change if I heard something sufficiently stupid. Considering the room temperature is still lower than it should be, I should probably have walked out of here a while ago.

“You might think it’s silly, but you did ask me for something to do,” she said awkwardly before she caught her verbal stride. 

“I was going to start by seeing if any of my friends may have seen where it went. We could cover a lot more ground if we split up, and that’s probably a good idea, considering how chilly the room still is,” she exasperatedly mentioned.

My inner monologue shouldn’t have opened its big mouth.

“Seriously?  Are you really calling me on that? Under normal circumstances, I would have buried my indignation about this, and we both would have forgotten about it eventually.  Instead, I’m broadcasting my anger over the thermostat, and it’s making a feedback loop of more and more anger. Who in their right mind would ask for that? That’s probably the most sadistic thing about this situation!” The room temperature DROPPED, and I didn’t give a single fark about it anymore. Somehow, I wasn’t even shivering as my indignation took its icy physical form. It was the coldest thing I ever felt in my life, but knowing it for what it was, it was actually reassuring as it formed into a suit of spiky armor and what I imagine is an equally spiky helmet.

Twilight didn’t give a fark about it either.

“I’ve tried to remind myself repeatedly that you just got transformed last night. Despite this, I can’t help but think you’re overreacting. I already apologized for what I said about humans using magic to destroy the world, and I’m not sure what more I could possibly do about that; or anything else that happened to you for that matter. As for the current situation…“she said, forcing herself to stay calm.

With no unnatural increases in the surrounding temperature to serve as a warning sign, her mane and tail caught fire in a display that made my armor seem like a snowflake and caused me to avert my eyes briefly. Ohhhhhhh frak.

“It’s not sadism if nopony’s enjoying it! And by the way, incase you haven't noticed, you're the one with the feedback loop. I’m not sure if you aren’t even trying, or if your power management skills are really this bad, because foals are probably better at it than you! Your armor wouldn’t be starting to melt, if you weren’t wasting so much energy nearly freezing the entire room!” She shouted as I started to back away.

Despite her having a point, DAMN that hurt. After a moment that felt like an eternity, I finally managed to articulate a response.

“It it just me, or is the pot calling the kettle black? Like you said, I just got this body last night, so I’m not sure what you could possibly expect. Now, if you would be so kind as to direct me to some literature on the subject, I’ll start looking into it!” I retaliated, the ice of the armor spreading through my voice.

“Most of the literature assumes you have at least rudimentary skills in the subject and doesn’t bother with something so trivial! Unicorns usually figure out enough power management to get by before they even learn telekinesis, which is the simplest spell there is. Don’t even get me started on the literature that does cover power management. With your lack of any background in magical theory, it would take months for you to learn enough to make use of what those books talk about. ”

I stormed out of there. Maybe I’m being monumentally stupid. Maybe I’m being childish.  Maybe I’m holding the idiot ball. Right now, I don’t really care. I could have lived with the rest of the stuff she said, like she said, she apologized for that. I can even understand issues with the room temperature reflecting badly on my ability to use magic properly. But calling people out on their emotions due to AMBIENT ROOM TEMPERATURE? It’s a step away from trying to charge people with thoughtcrime. 

I didn’t realize she was actually agreeing with me initially until I found myself in an out of the way spot behind a particularly steep hill near the edge of town. The good news is that I’m alone right now. At least I think so. I have no way of detecting any invisible pink unicorns that may be watching my little freakout. Note to self: try learning whatever this world’s equivalent is to detect invisibility when and if Twilight and I are on friendly terms again.  If. Dang I was an idiot.

The bad news is that I’m still wearing the armor, I can’t physically remove it, it refroze and reformed after Twilight melted it somewhat due to her setting herself on fire and it’s COLDER now, and the fact that it’s still on me is making it feel a lot less reassuring, especially because I know nothing about the health risks of armor made of magically generated ice.


So I went with the most clichéd panic response imaginable, and started running around in circles. It wasn’t very effective.

After about a minute of it having only minimal effect on my body temperature, I finally remembered what Twilight said about how to get rid of the effects I was experiencing. I could just ground myself, but that would be boring. 

An overly dramatic dome of ice spikes I could use to pierce an enemy from every possible angle came to mind briefly before I realized I’d already done enough stupid things for one day and I’d probably be KOed or insane if I tried it. So I took it slow, and started conjuring one spike of ice at a time, using the ones on my armor and probably ridiculous looking spiky ice helmet as a model. 

After a few moments of trying to get my mind in order and several failed attempts, I had a small spike of ice floating there. I dispelled it and tried making larger, thinner ones that looked like javelins. Then I started trying to telekinetically throw them into the hill from all sorts of different angles, practicing my speed at dispelling and conjuring them in the process. Somehow, when I started picking up steam, it started to feel less like I was throwing the javelins, and more like I was firing them. After I spent a little bit of time conjuring and throwing/firing ice javelins into the side of the hill, my ice armor melted, and I was soaked. Somehow that worked extremely well as a tension reducer, because I’m laughing like a madman right now.  

Now that I wasn’t acting like an idiot and had some time to myself, I realized a couple of things as I was pacing around aimlessly.

First, Celestia’s ultimatum regarding any claims to vengeance I may have was completely meaningless as a verbal contract, especially with the coercion involved. Taking Celestia’s threats into account, it’s evident she cares about Twilight.  Considering I have a legitimate motive for vengeance, I doubt Celestia would have left without putting an insurance policy besides extremely intimidating threats into play. Which leads to the question, is the myth about promises to faeries being magically binding accurate? Considering that if they were, the threats would be completely unnecessary, I’m leaning towards no. Another point against it being accurate is the fact that agreement was so vague I could drive a truck through the loopholes if I wanted to.

The only point to it I could possibly think of for that ultimatum is that Celestia wanted me to think promises to faeries are magically binding because she knows I have a little familiarity with the myths, but considering Celestia’s power and age, I doubt she’d be using an insurance policy that bad. She taught Twilight. She has at least one book containing mind altering spells. If Twilight was willing to go far enough to use a mind altering spell for an assignment, would Celestia go that far to protect her student? Is it possible Celestia mind whammied me at some point while I was KOed from the transformation? It could just be something for chickens to laugh at, but none of the ways of finding out would be pleasant.

Second, I expected centuries old immortals to be smart, genre savvy individuals. What I didn’t realize; is just what that actually meant. Celestia could probably deduce World War 2 just from reading the Treaty of Versailles. At least as far as my historical knowledge goes, Germany was decimated after World War I, and the Entente/Allied powers did nothing to help Germany rebuild, instead foisting the extremely punitive Treaty of Versailles on them. This led to Germany getting vengeful, secretly rebuilding its military power on a massive scale and the rest is history.

My current theory on why Celestia issued that ultimatum, is that she didn’t want a metaphorical post World War I Germany running around Equestria unwatched, so she took measures to keep me from falling into that category, regardless of whether or not I actually would, or could.  After all, nobody probably thought Germany could be a threat for a very long time after World War 1.  Or maybe I’m being overly dramatic/overanalyzing things.

Another plus for Celestia is that she doesn’t even need to bother with a surveillance detail if she’s actually concerned about what I’m doing because I’m living with her apprentice. That fact led to a sinking feeling of impotent rage, as I realized that if I wanted vengeance, I would probably need to find a way to secretly reproduce the powers of a weeping angel and/or ascend to godhood if I didn’t want my vengeance to end in my own death or being tortured for the remainder of my lifespan and possibly beyond. 

That’s when a more rational side of me brought up that it was nothing more than pure chance and my own curiosity that brought me here, and that this situation gave me spellcasting ability. That’s awesome just on principle, in spite of the fact I currently broadcast when I’m angry over the thermostat.

It also reminded me that at least I’m apparently not a familiar, which is always a plus, because being a familiar would suck. She has two familiars already. Mages are supposed to have one. What would be a good word for a mages that's connected to multiple familiars? Polyfamiliary?

Despite the fact that this hospitality was forced on me, I still feel like I’d be a monster to betray them after they provided it. Read enough fantasy, and you realize that hospitality is SERIOUS BUSINESS, especially in these types of settings. When I take all that into account, I can’t, and shouldn’t stay mad, no matter how much I may want to. My mind knows this, but why can’t I grok it so I can stop reminding myself about it? 

That’s when I realized I had dried off completely, with no towels involved, and evaporation probably wouldn’t have happened this fast. I guess ice armor is made of conjured water or something. 

I had wandered back into town and was looking around to see if I could find any maps of the town or landmarks I could use as a frame of reference. For petes sake, I was just thinking about what that alternate universe version of Professor Quirrell said about pretending to lose. How could I have already forgotten about it? I’m beginning to think she was about to say something useful about power management, and I stormed out without hearing a word of it or even getting a map! I went into the breathing pattern of one of my old katas and grounded myself before me being mad at myself lowered the temperature again. I looked around, but unfortunately, I couldn’t see any hollow trees from wherever I am. 

Surprisingly, Twilight’s library actually is a tree, as I saw when I stormed out. I wonder if she wards it against fire? Of course, asking that question is a bad idea, given my situation. I’d even suspect me of plotting something if I asked about it. 

By the time I stumbled across a park bench, I was tired and I didn’t really care much about anything at the moment, so I just sat there ponywatching/spacing out. This went on for a while, before I wondered if this whole experience was a hallucination again.

A pair of ponies in black cloaks and bee masks that blocked all view of their faces just passed by me. I had no idea who they were, or whatever organization they were affiliated with, and I didn’t particularly feel like asking. They weren’t bothering anyone and just passed me by, but that was still the weirdest thing I saw. Cue a fish in a bear suit to top that in three… two… one… What? No fish in a bear suit?

“You know, I thought I was the only pony in Ponyville who sat like this.”

Aaah! What? Oh, there’s a turquoise unicorn with a harp cutie mark sitting next to me in the same way I am. She definitely seems to be in a good mood too, although I’m not sure I get why.

“Sorry if I startled you, I’m Lyra.”

Well, I guess I needed to use this pseudonym eventually. 

“I’m Binary Switch, and if you don’t mind my asking, what’s the deal with sitting like this?”

She seemed surprised by my response.

“Nopony said anything to you about that? Ever? Most ponies get back pain when they do this or think it’s freaky. I thought I was the only pony in Ponyville who didn’t. “

Surprisingly, that didn’t set off an onslaught of back pain when she mentioned it. Possible side effect of originally being human?

“Listen, this may sound weird asking this out of the blue, but do you know anything about humans?” Lyra asked me.

You know what, fark it.

“You’re talking to one who got transformed into a pony, my real name is actually Garrett,” I deadpanned quietly.

She started laughing.

“That’s a good one, you know, you actually could have convinced me you weren’t joking if three other ponies hadn’t tried to play that joke on me before,” she said as she was laughing her head off.	 

I started laughing with her at the complete insanity of the situation.

“But yeah, ignoring my ‘joke’, I do know about them. Bipedal, five-fingered hands, omnivorous, taller than we are, they’ve got no spellcasting ability but they compensate for it with massive amounts of science and engineering; that sound about right?” I asked after listing whatever random traits I could think of.

“We’re on the same page on everything except that last part. None of the books I read had any information on whatever levels of science humans may have had, or whether or not they can use magic. What book did you find it in?” Lyra asked me.

Well, I tried telling her the truth, and she out and out said she wouldn’t believe I wasn’t joking.

“I guess you could say it’s a pet theory of mine,” I sighed.

“Is that a subtle way of saying it’s something that came to you in a dream?”

“That’s awfully specific. Are you saying you get dreams involving humans?” I snarked.

“Are you saying you haven’t?” She snarked back.

Fair point.

“I've seen some of the technology they have when I dream, and I believe you. Those dreams have been some of the most enlightening experiences I've ever had. I just wish I could take something out of them as evidence. I don't see how ponies can think they're mythical creatures, it's just ridiculous.  But the best thing about those dreams, is that I have hands. If I had the opportunity to trade telekinesis for them, I seriously don’t think I’d mind,” she said wistfully.

I guess the grass is always greener on the other side.

“Say, did you ever try turning your hooves into hands, just to try and figure out how they’d work? I haven’t managed it yet, but I think I may be getting close,” she suddenly perked up. 

Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything about me being human, what happens if she realizes I was serious?

“I can’t honestly say I’ve tried that, although you have given me something to look into,” I said.

“Well, it was fun talking to you, but I’ve got places to be. Bon-Bon's been saying my interest in humans is getting ridiculous. I need to go rub it in her face that I’m not crazy,” she said with a smirk as she got up and walked off.

Note to self: Sitting like a human attracts reverse furries.

I’m beginning to think I should get up from this bench, because I have no idea what could top that conversation with Lyra in terms of sheer, creepy, weirdness. She still seems nice though.

I do still need to sort things out with my host after all, not to mention I never found out how Celestia intended to send me the 2000 bits. So I got up and took a fork in the path near a giant gingerbread house, trying to remember the route I took earlier as I looked up for any particularly large trees, when I bumped into an unusually quiet pink and yellow pegasus that could probably be categorized as moe.  She was heavily distracted by a rabbit who was apparently trying to communicate with her via gestures. 

“Oh, ummm, excuse me, sorry,” was what I assumed she said, her voice was barely audible.

The rabbit FACEPALMED before it started gesturing incomprehensibly again and pointing somewhere. When the pegasus looked in that direction, she got an extremely surprised look on her face.

That’s when the giant squirrel showed up.

Seriously.

In what I can only assume was a marketplace, there was an extremely freaked out looking giant squirrel running around trampling ponies when it wasn't jumping from building to building.

Now that my mind had a moment to process it, I realized something. That squirrel’s arms and legs were replaced with wood and metal equivalents that had all manner of gemstones and runes inset into the arms. What made it particularly surreal, was that the arms looked like they were shoddily made. The musculature was visible, and it was this almost gluelike material, that was foggy and translucent, and reflected all sorts of strange colors in the light. The exercise in contradictions that was this squirrels augments still had extremely sharp looking iron claws that pretty much screamed ‘STAY AWAY’.

The pink and yellow pegasus started flying towards it. I had no idea what I was thinking, but so help me, I had no desire to see moe ponies get mauled by giant cyborg squirrels, and I could very well be the only pony with enough firepower to salvage the situation.

So help me, I started running after her.