“You’ve got to be fucking kidding.” The creature continues to linger above you, stretching out one of its many appendages. This thing can’t possibly be here, it’s too weird… Oh, Discord… The monster’s ‘tentacle’ gets closer and closer. Pastafarians would jizz themselves right about now.
The monster lets out a heart wrenching wail, his tentacle beading toward you. You roll backwards, the tentacle striking the floor. The room quakes at the sudden strike. Your group slowly approaches you, investigating the noise. ”What in Eques-“ *gasp* The monster slowly descends, now eye level with the rest of you. Rarity nearly faints at the sight.
It frees its arm, pieces of stone clinging to its oily pasta noodle. The impact has left a small crater in the floor big enough for a filly to hide in. If that thing were to have hit you… You don’t want to think about what you’d look like. The creature slowly approaches, inch by inch. *creak*
You shift your head, several Black Knights entering the chamber. Fuck, not them too. You turn to look at the main threat, but it seems to have- disappeared? Sir, I’ll take a second helping of NOPE! The group quickly hides behind separate pillars. You can’t let them find you… *drip* “God dammit…” you mutter to yourself.
The knights pan out, obviously aware of your presence. *drip* The light clang of Lordran steel clanging with stone is not one you wished to hear in person. Twilight opens her mouth to speak, but you forcibly close it. You aren’t taking any chances with these guys. *clang* Something fell, and from the sound of it, it must have been something heavy.
A muffled yell comes from the center of the room. What the hell is happening out there? The knight’s movements grow in volume, obviously in danger. You peak your head around the pillar, barely making out the scene. The monster has grabbed hold on the knights, their bodies hanging in the air. That could be you if you’re not careful. You see the knights are trying to free themselves by cutting off their attacker’s limbs, but a new one is always there to grab them. One by one, the knights are being engorged by the creature, disappearing into the mass of spaghetti. You look closer as the last knight is brought before it. Moving the tentacles out of the way, it reveals a toothy maw as it chows down on its new prey. And you thought that thing was just for show…
Silence returns to the room except for the occasional drip. It doesn’t appear to want to go out and search for you, instead waiting for you to come to it. Like a venus fly trap, except made of spaghetti… You close your eyes, focusing on any more threats besides the obvious. You motion the others to group up as you make your way into the open. You peek over your shoulder, nothing. “I guess most of you are pretty curious as to that thing?”
They all nod, still partially stunned in utter disbelief.“That thing,” you peek over your shoulder again, still nothing, “is known as the Flying Spaghetti Monster. It’s the deity of a religion known as Pastafarianism. I only know the basic concept of the creature, apparently Discord filled in the rest.”
”What exactly did he change?” Celestia ask.
“Well, though they never went into its specific behavior, I’m pretty sure that it doesn’t just attack people for no reason.” *drip* You turn back, the monster still nowhere to be seen. That thing is starting to creep you out. “Umm,” you look back to the group, “I also don’t remember it ever eating people, however I really don’t know all that much about it.” The ponies appear worried; this creature is strange even by Equestrian standards. “I wouldn’t worry about it though. It only seems to attack anyone who gets too close to it, so if we stay out of its way we’ll be fine.”
”But, I thought you didn’t know that much about it.” Fluttershy peeps. Her words are true, you really have no idea how this thing acts.
“I don’t, but it hasn’t gone on the offensive yet, so we should be ok.” *drip* Something wet lands on your ear. You shake your head, wiping it off with your hand.
The ponies look at you, “Anon?” their voice uneasy. You open your mouth to talk, but a familiar scent stops you. Assumption is the mother of all fuckups… You brace yourself, too late to stop the oncoming carnage.
A shield blocks the incoming attack, white sparks flinging outwards from the creature’s tentacle slam. Thank fucking Celestia for that. You would’ve ended up a part of its saucy goodness if not for her. Wait, is that what actually happens? The tentacle smashes against the shield again, knocking you back to your senses. It’s too close to give up on its new prey. “We have to get out of here, which way?” Celestia, focusing on maintaining the barrier, points her hoof to another set of doors at the far wall. *smash* This thing just won’t quit.
“Alright, Pinkie, get on Applejack and provide covering fire when you can.”
Pinkie Pie plops on AJ’s back in an instant, “Okie dokie lokie!”
“Everyone else, make a break for the door as fast as you can, I’ll try and hold this thing back.” *smash* You notice some of them are a bit uneasy. You can’t really blame them. “Look,” you say, stealing their attention, “We got through that ambush, and we will get through this. I promise.” A few ponies straighten up ready to act. “We ready?”
”Ready,” they yell in unison. Celestia relinquishes control of the barrier, giving you total control.
“Go!”
You let out a bubble of energy taking out the barrier and knocking back the mass of spaghetti. The rest of the group is off like a bullet, Pinkie shooting off her party cannon. You begin to backpedal, trying to gain as much distance as possible between you and your pursuer. It doesn’t take long for the Flying Spaghetti Monster to recover from your minor cheap shot. It lets out another wail, sending a handful of noodles towards you.
You pick up a sword of the ground, its owner no longer in need of it. The sword cuts through the noodles like… well noodles. You continue chopping away at your attacker while sending out a few chaos blasts to stun the creature. Unfortunately, the Spaghetti Monster is barely affected by your attacks as it simply advances. Its flows through pillar after pillar seamlessly, its body unaffected by the strange terrain. It closes in on you rapidly, uncovering its incisors, the combination of tomato and rotting flesh far less appealing. You take a quick look back. The group is almost at the door. Flee Anon flee!
“Solar flare!” you shout, sending out your own surprise gift of light. The monster releases a painful shriek, pulling back its pasta tentacles to shield its eyes. “Double thanks Tien.” You sprint back to the group, turning your back to the monster. Big mistake.
The spaghetti monster compacts into itself, its tentacles forming into some kind of chamber.It then slowly wraps its tentacles around a few surrounding pillars. You can hear it rising in pitch. You’re about halfway to the door. Just a little more…Silence. Why did i- *boom*
“Anon look out!”
A meat ball twice your size is launched next to you, shattering against the wall, bits of beef giving the floor a nice coat of crimson. You keep running while the monster’s aim still off from your blast. *boom* Another blast collides with a nearby pillar and breaks the foundation. The column crumbles with shards of stone pounding on you like hail. A large piece comes crashing down, blocking you from your friends. You turn around to see the monster barreling towards you. Yeah, it’s pretty pissed.
You ready your marinara soaked sword and ready your barrier. It hisses, preparing another strike. ”We got your back!” You look up and see your friends. Saving your ass once again, all in a day’s work. Rainbow Dash pulls you up while the others barrage the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
”Nice job, you trying to get yourself killed?”
“Yeah yeah…” You leap down the other side with Dash. “We need to- *boom*Another shell demolishes the stone slab, flinging your group far and wide. You land on your stomach, a ringing sound in your ear. “Fucking meatballs.”
You pull yourself up using some nearby debris. The sword you had retrieved is a bit out of your reach. You reach out to it, only to be yanked off the ground. The blood rushes to your head as the monster guides you to its expanding maw. Eaten by the Flying Spaghetti Monster… somehow you think you should feel honored. ”No you don’t!”
Oh god, not Fluttershy. ”Who do you think you are? Acting all high and mighty, going around and eating people!” She flies up to it, ignoring the evident danger. “I have met some pretty mean creatures, but you take the cake!” By now she’s eye to eye with it and isn’t backing down. ”You may be big and strong on the outside, but you’re just a little filly on the inside.” She’s staring intently, oh god she’s staring. Go Fluttershy! The creature shudders a bit, its limbs shaking slightly. ”Now you put him down, and don’t you dare let me catch you harming anyp0ny again!”
The monster is full-on trembling now. You don’t know what she did, and you most certainly don’t care. As long as she can this get this thing to not eat you, anything goes. It eases you to the floor. Blood can once again circulate properly. ”Now, go home.” The creature cowers, sinking back into the darkness. Fluttershy: The God Tamer, coming to a theatre near you.
“Th-thanks Fluttershy, you sure pulled my ass out of the fire there.” She blushes and sets upon tending to the others. We are all relatively unharmed, Rainbow’s wing being the exception.
You find your sword and bind it to your belt. Never know when you’ll need it. Celestia is waiting by the door for you.“How much further is it? This journey is becoming a bit too much to bear.”
”I understand how you feel. It shouldn’t have ever come this far.”She observes her ponies. You can sense her worry about their safety.
“I’m sorry, but the only way we can keep them is to keep moving.”
”I apologize. These stairs go all the way to the top. Once there we can take the skyway for a straight shot to Discord.”
“Sounds like a plan let’s-“A sudden but abrupt tremor interrupts you. They continue to grow every few seconds. You give a sharp whistle and throw your hand forward. “Let’s move it out!”
You hold the door open so the rest of the group passes through. Another tremor, this one more intense than the last. You don’t know if Mr.Spaghetti is back for round two, but you’re not sticking around to find out. The ponies are already rushing up the steps by the time you close the door. Great minds think alike it seems…
You make haste up the stairs following the ponies. The ascent is only stricken by the constant tremors that have plagued you for the past four minutes.
“How tall is this thing?
”Too tall sugarcube.” Another quake jolts you off balance. Whatever it is, its outside and its pissed. ”What the buck is that!”
Something bursts out of wall, a white fist knocking you back down the stairs. I couldn’t help it, it just popped in there. I- I tried to think. ”Look!”
The steps dig into your sides as you fall back to the lower level. You pass a window on the way down, barely getting a glimpse of your new enemy. No! It can’t be, it can’t be.
I tried to think of the most harmless thing… Something I loved from my childhood… Something that could never ever possibly destroy us… You fall on your back, the window showing you the face of your attacker. His white body, contrasted with his sailor hat and collar, those deceitful eyes, masked with childlike innocence. And that smile… oh that smile…”What in Equestria is that thing Anon?” Celestia yells down. You take a deep breath, your mind sufficiently blown.
“It’s the Stay Puft Marshmallow man.” Nice thinking Ray.
”W-what?
“We used to roast Stay Puft marshmallows… by the fire at Camp Lakonda.”You just keep looking at him, his smile… “Mr. Stay Puft…”
Celestia turns to her student, “Anon is out of it, what do you think?”
”Sorry princess, I’m terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought.” How did it turn out like this?
He bellows aloud as he strikes at another section of the tower. A tiny piece of debris collides with your head, pulling you back to reality. You grab hold of the railing and use it to prop back upright. Everyone else is peering down at you. “Keep going!” You start back up the stairs trying to retake lost ground. Stone refuse is scattered around. This guy is tearing the tower apart a chunk at a time.
You make it back to where you originally fell. Surprise surprise, he took out the fucking stairs! The hole in the tower reveals the belly of the beast. “I wonder…” You look back up at the others. “Make it to the top! I’ll be there soon. You unsheathe your sword and look outwards. “There’s no time like the present…” Take a few steps back. Deep breathes. Eyes on the prize. You sprint towards the tower gap and lunge at the behemoth.
You sink the sword deep into its gut while your feet dig into his fluffy marshmallowness. It’s like you’re a rock climber, and Mr. Stay Puft is an anthropomorphic mountain that crushes the life out everything. Completely normal. You work your way up, using the sword advance your position. This does not go unnoticed however as Mr. Stay Puft drives his fist at you. A quick barrier shields you. You can’t move up while he hits you like this.
“Hey,” you shout back at the tower, “HEY!”
Pinkie Pie opens the window, “What are you doing out there silly?”
“Doesn’t matter, can you help me with this thing?” He continues to beat down at your barrier which is fading fast.
”No problem, just leave it to Pinkie.” Something about that phrase is disconcerting, but you don’t have a lot of options.
“Just hurry!” you shout back at her.
Pinkie closes the window and disappears back into the tower. His fist hits again, this time taking out your shield all together. Still no sign of Pinkie. You see Mr. Stay Puft’s fist rising for another jab, this one being the end of you. Fuck it, all or nothing. You reach your hand as far as it can go and pull. Nothing, pull harder! The marshmallow hide gives way as your sword glides through it. Fist incoming! You pick up your feet, wall running across his stomach. His fist narrowly misses you, instead knocking him backwards. Success, you just bought yourself another minute of life. “Pinkie!”
”Fire!” A colorful array of projectiles flies towards Mr. Stay Puft causing him to raise his arms in defense. Smells like its time for smores. You give Pinkie Pie a salute before climbing again. Globs of molten marshmallow roll down his body, forcing you to divert your course. This coupled with having to dodge the onslaught of incoming attacks, is making your journey far longer than it needs to be. You finally manage to make your way to the top. Few have dared to dream about standing on top of a giant marshmallow man, but only you have succeeded. Now you just need to get back to the tower…
So… How the hell am I supposed to get back? Damn you hindsight!
“Anyone want to give me a hand?”
”One second Anon,” Celestia responds as her horn begins to glow. You feel yourself rising, the princess moving you towards her. Mr. Stay Puft isn’t intent on sitting on the sidelines and hurls a piece of his own melted mass at Celestia.
“Block it!” Twilight and Rarity manage to toss it away, only for another one to come barreling towards them. “Celestia block it!”
She does just that, raising her barrier… and dropping you. “FUUUUUUUUUUUU-“
The wind gushes around you as you continue to fall. All the progress you made, gone. The trees are hastily approaching, like miniature stakes that are getting larger… and larger. You will not die like this, not after all you’ve gone through. Close your eyes and focus. Ignore the face of death. You focus your rage, lightning cracking across your skin. You focus your fear, your body radiating a blazing green. You focus your- *zap*
You open your eyes, spying the stone ceiling. So… looks like you’re back on the floor. Damn you hate teleporting. One mistake and you could end up in a stone wall. You get to your feet. Well, you made it to the skywalk. The other ponies don’t appear to be her yet. You sheathe your sword, still remarkably in your possession. Opening the door to the stairwell, you look down at your comrades. They’re coming up, but their demeanor has changed drastically. They appear solemn, no chatter, just silence. Oh… right… You exit to the skyway, leaning on the hoofrails behind the door. No harm in simple trolling.
You hear the soft clops of hooves, the ponies walking onto the skyway. They simply trot along, leaving you unnoticed. Sure that all the ponies were ahead of you, you revealed yourself. “Took you all long enough.” Everyp0ny turns to you, shocked by your sudden appearance. “I thought I was going to have to wait all day,” you smile just before the mane 6 embrace you, glad to have you back among them.
”How could you make a lady worry such as that, how uncouth.”
“Yeah, well you can teach me manners when this is over.” You rejoin the group and walk along the bridge. “So whatever happened to Mr. Stay Puft? I haven’t seen him.
”He sort of wandered off after you fell,” Fluttershy peeps, “We don’t know where he went.” You think you do, the smell of burning marshmallow hitting you again.
“Girls, run.”
”What do you-“
“Run!” On cue, a familiar face raises eye level to your own. Not today mother fucker. You unsheathe your sword, and slash him across the eye. Seizing the moment, you and the rest of the group sprint towards the opposite tower. It isn’t long before Mr. Stay Puft is back on your tail again. You glance back, his face contorted into a horrifying visage. NOPE! He begins swinging wildly, knocking off different sections of the sky bridge.
That lard-ass is going to snap the bridge clean off. You unleash a storm of chaos balls behind you, desperately trying to get him to slow down. He takes the hit and keeps on coming, bits and pieces of his sweet gooey self seeping down his wounds. You somehow overtake a couple ponies; your feet will be feeling it when this is over. A thud echoes out from behind you, causing you to stop and look back. Twilight is on the ground with Mr. Fuck Face closing in. You bolt back to her and try to get her back on her feet. A shriek pierces your ears and you know it’s too late.
You tighten your hold on Twilight and close your eyes. You won’t let her die alone. A quake sends you both into a vice grip… but nothing happens. The two of you remain locked together, any moment that inevitable end may come. You slowly unclench your eyes only to find that Mr. Stay Puft is nowhere in sight. Twilight gets back on all fours, you back on your two. Just a couple feet from you lies a chasm cutting away from the bridge. A part of you feels like you should be at the bottom…
”Where did it go?” Twilight asks shaken from the brush with death.
“I don’t know. I heard a shriek and then…” You pull Twilight behind you and ready your sword. Something’s very wrong here.
”Anon,” Fluttershy says walking next to you, “Can you please put that away?”
“No can do Fluttershy, I’m not getting caught with my pants down.”
”Do what she asks sugarcube.” Applejack interjects.
”Just trust me,” the tiny Pegasus tries to convince you. You can feel something isn’t right, but Fluttershy thinks otherwise. And Applejack trusts her to boot. You slowly sheathe your sword again, ready for another draw. ”Thank you Anon,” Fluttershy walks towards the chasm. ”You can come out, it’s ok.” A pair of eyes plops above the bridge startling you. “Don’t move Anon, he’s just scared is all.” She turns back to the fat pair of eyes, “Come on, don’t be afraid. I won’t hurt you.” Your own eyes grow wide as a familiar pasta-like creature floats before Fluttershy. ”Everyone, I’d like you to meet… Wuten.”
She named… the Flying Spaghetti Monster… Wuten. Fuck it, your mind is incapable of being blown at this point. You take a few steps forward, this ‘Wuten’ trying to hide behind Fluttershy. “It’s alright Wuten, he won’t hurt you.” The Flying- Wuten, takes her at her word and eventually comes into full view. “So that shriek I heard…”
”Was Wuten. He saw you were in trouble and saved you. I guess he felt bad about how he acted before.” The Flying Spaghetti Monster… saved you… from the Stay Puft Marshmallow man? Your brain is so full of fuck right now. You clear your throat and extend your hand. “Um, thank you, Wuten, for saving me, us.”
He ponders your move, slightly intimidated. ”It’s ok Wuten.” With added reassurance, Wuten extends his own noodly appendage and wraps it around yours. You give each other a firm noodle to hand shake.
“Thanks.” You think you caught a sparkle in his eye, but you can’t really tell. You hear painful wail from below, Mr. Fuck Face isn’t out for the count yet. ”Fluttershy we need to get to the tower.”
”Oh alright,” Fluttershy says, “Bye Wuten.” The rest of the ponies leave to enter the tower, Fluttershy galloping after them. You look back to Wuten. He’s far less menacing now that he isn’t trying to kill you. You give him a pat and turn to leave, looking back over your shoulder.
”Give him hell.”
“Shrieeeeeek!” Wuten jets down after Mr. Stay Puft, giving him some much needed revenge.
You get to the door, Discord awaiting you inside. After all of this… that bastard better be there. He got Rainbow Dash hurt, and he’s going to pay for it, one way or another. You ready your mind and enter…