//------------------------------//
// Chapter 1: "Total Reboot" 
// Story: Roadside Assistance 
// by BlueBastard 
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Roadside Assistance Ch.1: “Total Reboot”

My head was racing for some reason when I began to recognize I was awake. Of course, that came with the realization I was somehow chained to a wall.

“Why do I keep getting restrained against things?” I muttered, memories of the horrors I was usually subjected to in this kind of situation coming to mind, especially notable as they’d only happened a few months apart. The loss of my right eye to MECH and then my own stupidity leaving me defenseless against that glitch Airachnid who gleefully took the chance to evic-

Wait. If she eviscerated me, an event I unfortunately remembered with precise clarity, then that means I died. But if I died, then how was I still alive? Well, best not question that now and look a gift horse in the mouth, even though I’d never seen a horse and if luck went my way, for once, I’d never need to see one.

I tested the strength of my bonds. The chains wrapped around my arms and legs were pretty strong, but the surface they were tied too creaked and gave ever so slightly, suggesting my back was to a wall made of some weak material. Wood, maybe? I knew the humans had used it as a construction material despite it being pathetically weak for those purposes. Further resistance on my part indicated that if I worked just a bit harder, the wooden wall would break and cause the chains to fall off, allowing me to break free.

But a quick survey of my surroundings didn’t seem to mesh with the idea my new captors had the technology to somehow perfectly recreate my spark. Or, as I quickly realized, make a perfect recreation of my right eye. Namely; I was in a freaking barn. While it explained the wood wall I was chained too, surely these people had a better way to hide me from the general public than a barn which clearly was normally used for the upkeep of a human farm. Even MECH had been able to erect some kind of base inside a tunnel when they had captured me.

I chuckled. They put all that effort into resurrecting me…but this was the best they could do in keeping me secure? Screw that. I was probably in deep enough trouble with Megatron again for letting myself get…well, killed isn’t quite the appropriate term, evidently, but whatever happened I’d still get off easy as Knock Out still needed me as his assistant.

As I had predicted, it didn’t take that much force to rip the chains out of the wood, and within seconds I was a free Decepticon. No doubt they would have a guard keeping watch on the barn, but I wasn’t sticking around to see what their response would be. Plus, I really needed to stretch my servos and burn some rubber.

With a mere thought, my body broke apart and the parts started to rearrange themselves until my form became that of an Earth vehicle. I’d chosen this particular form because it was large, powerful, and mean, much like me in a way. I throttled my accelerator, driving straight into the barn doors. They exploded into a shower of splinters as I raced out of the building…

…and right into the most unrealistic environment I’ve ever seen. Now, I’ve been on many worlds, which before the Decepticons razed everything to the ground had all been unique in their look and geographical composition. But this place? The only word I could use to describe it was ‘artificial’. Seriously, it was so bright and colorful in every way it was making me sick. The sky was a pure light blue with white, fluffy clouds dotting the sky. I was now driving through what seemed to be an endless sea of trees, all of them bursting with bright red and green dots. The ground itself was a rich green, grass as far as the eye could see. Compared to the part of Earth I last recalled before my termination, it was like somebody had turned the sun to its ‘maximum brightness’ setting. Then, just over the hilly terrain and beyond the far fence outlining what I guess was an actual agricultural facility, was the first sign of human civilization I’d seen in a long while. 

I only caught a glimpse of the town, though, as I quickly realized I was speeding right towards some kind of creature that was kicking trees with its hind legs. Maybe in some kind of misguided attempt of harvesting whatever those things in the trees were? 

As I made a hard turn to the right to avoid roadkill splatter (I’d never hear the end of it from Knock Out if I got back covered in Earth creature blood and guts), I got a good look at the beast. Just like everything else so far, it made no sense to me. It was a miniature horse, orange in coat color but blonde in its mane and tail hairs. However, the proportions were so disturbingly wrong that I had to assume it was some kind of genetic freak conceived by its human masters, as what little I knew of Earth equines did not have them with giant eyes placed in the front of their face like a predator. The humans must have really wanted to humiliate their creation, too, as both its mane and tail were done up in loose bundles  tied off at the ends, it was wearing a giant cowboy hat for whatever reason, and upon its butt was what looked like a two-color slave brand made up of three red blobs with little green lines at the top of each blob. My experience with humans, limited as it was, had not prepared me for how depraved they clearly were if they had-

“What in tarnation? The thing’s loose!”

Holy Primus, it could talk, too? Humans really were sadistic bastards if they wanted the poor freak to be able to vocalize its torment. But, I wasn’t going to hang around and wait for it to bring its masters, which I was now sure were the same as those who had fully repaired me and chained me in a barn. As quickly as I had escaped the barn, I smashed through a fence on the perimeter and was driving down a narrow dirt road into the forest. I’d need to find cover to hide from the humans and whatever mutant pets they brought to look for me, at least long enough until I could contact the Nemesis and arrange a pick up.





“Ah, this should do nicely…” I said to myself as I looked into the cave in front of me. I’d had to transform back into robot form about an hour ago, as even my vehicle mode eventually had become too big for the path I’d been following. Forced to go at a slower pace on foot, it had been a reminder why I wasn’t a fan of deeply forested organic regions as my large frame had difficulty navigating the tight spaces created by the local flora. But I’d easily outpaced any pursuers and could afford to take a quick rest, along with trying to contact the Nemesis.

Making sure nobody was coming, I leaned back on the cave wall, just inside the entrance and activated my communicator to radio the ship. The sooner I got out of this weird place the better.

“Nemesis, this is Breakdown, I am in need of extraction, do you read me?”

Static.

“Come in, Nemesis, this is Breakdown, do you read me?”

More static.

Now I was getting angry, shouting into the receiver. “Soundwave, I swear to Primus if you’re screwing with me I am going to-“

I could only presume the response was yet more static, for my attention was now fully diverted to the loud, raspy breathing right behind me. Turning my head slowly, I learned the cave had evidently been the residence of another strange mutant beast, one I had probably just woken up with my voice. Unlike the tiny horse things, though, the cave had concealed a massive bear which was easily twice my height. Its outward appearance suggested it was actually a piece of the night sky ripped off and turned into this creature, even though the white star on its forehead set off its yellow and red eyes, and as it roared into my face I could see its insides were very real and that it was really ticked off.

Too bad it didn’t know I was only too eager for a brawl.

“You wanna fight, beast?” I taunted, assuming a stance and transforming my right forearm to replace the hand with my hammer. He may have been bigger, but he was only a simple creature that fought when it needed to.

I, on the other hand, usually have problems finding an excuse to start a fight. To illustrate to this bear that I was more than equal to him, I swung my hammer-arm over my head and slammed it on the ground, the resulting impact echoing through the cave as was my scream of “THEN BRING IT!”

With all honesty, I think we both underestimated each other. The bear certainly didn’t seem to understand why its claws and sharp teeth did nothing to damage my armor, while I certainly was impressed with its endurance as it took several hammer blows all over but it just kept coming. I’d fought the Autobots for thousands of years, but for as long as I’d had the hammer for my primary weapon never before had I encountered an Autobot who could take as many hits as this bear. Not even my arch-rival Bulkhead had lasted as long as this bear.

Of course, the fact we were more evenly matched just made it that much more fun. This is what I lived for, the joy of combat, the challenge of defeating an opponent through raw power. My mouth certainly had to have been forming a near-unhinged smile, while in comparison the bear just got angrier.

“Come on, we’re just getting started!” I declared, retracting my hammer in favor of my hand and soon it was an all-out wrestling match between me and the bear. It was a short lived match, as despite its size it actually wasn’t that heavy, which it learned with shock as it found itself lifted over my head, then with some difficulty I threw it against the cliff side to the left of the cave entrance. The bear tried to get up, but collapsed in a heap as its world spun in circles.

“Breakdown: 1, Bear: 0. Flawless Victory.” I chuckled, dusting my hands off. Nothing like a good fight to make sure all the joints were working right. Then the ground began to shake as another bear, evidently woken up from the fight, emerged from the cave. 

This one was significantly larger, as in ‘there were buildings back home on Cybertron that weren’t as tall as this bear’ larger. Its outer surface was similar to the first bear except more pink in coloration, the setting sun to the first bear’s total night (when did I get so artistic in describing things?) in addition to being covered in little specs that better portrayed the idea this was a bear made of pure space. Its jaw was also probably large enough to swallow me whole and its claws were easily as long as I was tall.

That part I said earlier about how I’m always looking for reasons to fight? Well, just because I am always in the mood to fight doesn’t mean I’m not smart enough to realize when fighting with little provocation is going to get me killed. Okay, so maybe I wasn’t since that’s how that spider-heli-whatever Airachnid was ended up getting the better of me, but I knew better now and I was not about to become a metal pancake under that bear’s foot.

So, of course, I started running as fast as I could in no particular direction other than away from the giant bear, my hand to my communicator as I screamed into it for assistance.

“Mayday! Mayday! Breakdown to Nemesis! I’m under attack from a mutant beWHA-“

Of course, I’d been too preoccupied looking behind me at the angry bear chasing me (seriously, how did something that big ever fit in that damn cave? The entrance only goes as high as its knees!) and so never saw the sudden drop-off that I pitched over at full speed and right into the rushing river. And then I realized I could do nothing at that point but go over the approaching waterfall and the probable sharp drop of doom. 

“Oh, scraaaaaaaaaaaaap!” was all I could say as I was thrown from the waterfall to make a very painful landing at the bottom of the riverbed below.





By the time the moon had risen, I’d probably taken shelter for hours under what seemed like a railroad bridge. By some miracle I actually hadn’t died again from the fall, but I’d landed at a bad angle on my right knee and so had limped my way under the conveniently nearby structure. I hadn’t known it was a railroad bridge until I heard the whistle which was followed by the rumbling and the jets of pressurized steam emerging from both sides. I had briefly reflected on what the presence of steam power could mean, since I’d had Knock Out briefly explain it to me after I once tried to scan a steam engine as my alt. mode without realizing the thing needed rails to run on.

But then I’d felt a sharp burst of pain in my leg, redirecting my attention to my injury. Determining my status to be safe enough, I willed my fingers to turn into repair devices so my left hand was a five-digit tool kit, then after I removed my kneecap I got to work. Being a bruiser was what I loved and was of course my job specialty. Hanging around the best medic in the Decepticons because he’s your best friend, however, has its benefits in that I’d learned to be a rather gifted field medic under his tutelage of having to constantly fix me up. Considering my assignments usually consisted of me going on solo recon missions prior to being recalled to Earth, the fact I could repair myself was an invaluable skill.

Especially now, since I’d long since given up trying to contact the Nemesis. I couldn’t get a signal from the ship, or a GPS satellite the humans used, for spark’s sake there wasn’t even a single radio signal I could tune into just to break the silence! I’d even have settled for one of those crazy human “televangelists”, or, Primus help me, that horrible “Friday” song with the tone-deaf human girl, even if prior experience indicated I just murdered anything within range while that song was playing. And I was in no position to murder anything. 

Thankfully, my knee injury only ended up being some dislodged load-bearing hardpoints, so I was back to full physical capability in relatively no time. After a day involving chains, crashing, angry bears that made Megatron look downright harmless, and no doubt humans still trying to track me down, I was thankful for small blessings.

I emerged from my shelter, testing out my repaired knee. Once it checked out, I just rested my hand on the side of the bridge and looked up into the night sky. I had to admit, nightwatching wasn’t something I did, but for whatever reason the night was especially beautiful. It’s funny, when you’re actually in space and traveling through it, it’s all black aside from the occasional object reflecting light from some local star unless it’s being blown up because Megatron was angry at it for whatever reason. But planetside? The sky is lit up, much like that bear from earlier, only the night isn’t trying to crush you into dust. That way, you can focus on the beauty of all the stars, the subtle brilliance of the moon, and the growing rainbow even though it didn’t seem to mesh with the night sky at-

The humans have sent the flying variety of their mutant horse things to find me I thought as I registered what was creating the out of place rainbow. It was another one of those equine freaks, only this time instead of being done up to look vaguely human, this sky blue one had a full spectrum of color for its mane and tail colors (it must have been gestated during one of those human ‘bring your snobby little brat offspring to work’ days) and, more importantly, functional wings. However, it wasn’t too bright as it was heading straight towards me. Which gave me an idea.

I swung my arm back, hiding my hand from view as I brought out my hammer.

“Hey, horse-face!” I taunted at the approaching form, “When you get back to your masters, tell them I would prefer they send things that aren’t farting out freakin’ rainbows!”

Now, the plan was that when I swung my hammer forward, it would hit the horse-fly and, provided it didn’t immediately explode in a cloud of blood (Knock Out would never know, I’d just wash it off in this river if any landed on me) would be sent rocketing over the horizon. My timing was perfect, it was just that the rainbow thing somehow made a course correction at speeds that even a land-based ‘Con like me knew should be liquefying her insides and then did the impossible by breaking the visible light spectrum seconds before I felt a monumental surge of raw force slam right into me. It was shortly followed in turn by me blacking out, my hammer never having made contact.





When I came too, I found I was once again tied down with chains, although this time to actual trees that were not going to break as easily as the wooden wall. At least it wasn’t inside a stupid barn this time and unlike that one incident with MECH there weren’t dissection tools around me, and my hammer was still deployed.

What was around me, however, were a number of the horse things. I immediately recognized the orange hat one and the sky blue rainbow one, but the others seemed different. Several of them were around the perimeter; perfectly identical white winged equines wearing gold armor with matching tail and helmet plumes of white and blue. I guessed they were guards as only a few shot curious glances at me but otherwise had their backs turned to me.

Of far more interest were the ponies directly in front of me. Along with the two horse freaks I’d encountered earlier, there were four others. The most “normal” of the lot was pink colored with a slightly darker tinted mane, my gut telling me she was anything but normal but I couldn’t place it, maybe it was the balloon slave brand on her rear quarters?  A yellow winged one with brighter pink hair was next to the all-pink one, although the winged creature seemed to be hiding behind her hair like some kind of shield, her trio of butterflies as her mark.

 But the other two, a fabulous looking light gray one with two-color violet hair (Knock Out would have insisted on taking it as a pet, I was sure of it, if only because of the three diamonds on her rear) and a darker purple one with a smart-looking mane style and a collection of stars as her slave mark, made it clear I was either totally delusional or this whole thing was one elaborate joke, because they had single corkscrewed spikes coming out of their foreheads. The humans, from what I remembered reading about their various legends online in trying to track down Iacon Relics, referred to these creatures as “unicorns” and that they were capable of magic. I immediately had to scoff at thinking these were legit unicorns, rather they looked like the other horse things except with the horns glued on to their foreheads. In contrast, the historical images I’d seen suggested “real” unicorns were slightly more like Earth ‘lions’ in having tails with puffed ends and what had been identified in the Wikipedia article as ‘hedine gruff’.

Meanwhile, as a side effect of my sudden vocal reaction, the main six in front of me all took a step back as if in fear and the guards all stiffened. Were they afraid of me? Well, obviously they were, they’d somehow chained me to trees and were now waiting for their human masters to deal with me.

“We need to do somethin’ about this thing, he ripped apart that barn like it was nothin’!” said the orange one with the hat.

“Yeah, hopefully he won’t break free this time, although he wouldn’t have if I’d put a restraining spell on him like I did this time and not relied on somepony’s old barn to hold him down,” complained the purple one to the orange one. I made a mental note that she had probably referred to the orange one as a “pony”, so I should also refer to these creatures as ‘ponies’ too.

“Well, why didn’t you?”

“It would have hurt him. Like I told you before, he’s a life form of a completely non-biological nature, possibly the first one to ever visit our world, and for the sake of scientific research I can’t let him be hurt as much as possible.”

I narrowed my eyes and bared my teeth. The last time I’d been treated as a specimen ‘for science’ I’d lost my right eye and nearly died had it not been for an unexpected surprise rescue from the last ‘bot I’d expected. I wasn’t about to go through that nonsense again, a stance I intended to make perfectly clear to these four legged freaks.

The yellow pony seemed to think so, too. “Um, Twi? I think you made it mad…” Oh, Primus, her voice was so sweet sounding, it was like sugar. I didn’t like sugar, I accidentally got some in my fuel tank several centuries ago and had the worst case of indigestion any lifeform, biological or mechanical, ever had. I also was not going to stand to be treated by candy colored pony things the same way MECH had treated me.

So I spoke up for the first time to something that could answer back. “I would prefer not to be called ‘it’ thank you very much. I am a ‘he’.”

I might as well have threatened to give them all to Knock Out for experimentation with how they all reacted in shock.  

“Oh my Celestia, it talks!” wailed the fabulous one, rearing up only to execute some elaborate fainting maneuver none of the other ponies paid attention to. She must have done that regularly.

The purple unicorn, however, crouched as if readying to attack, the horn-thing on her forehead lighting up as if it was actually some kind of light-casting device. “Well, this is a surprise, isn’t it?” she commented through gritted teeth. “I don’t know what kind of monster you are, but after what you’ve done to Ponyville, don’t expect us to let you off easily!”

I didn’t know what the hell this “Ponyville” place was, probably that town I saw earlier, and I had no memory of attacking anything other than that bear which had not been in “Ponyville” so already I was being accused of several things I didn’t know if I’d done. But no matter how long clearing this whole mess was going to take, I wasn’t going to be called a monster by things I could consider monsters themselves. True, I was on the side of the Great War which had destroyed not only our own home planet but countless other civilizations and their planets, but I did have some pride in having a degree of honor and morality, which was a lot considering the majority of my fellow Decepticons didn’t carry those self-restrictions and would stab each other in the back if they could gain anything from it.

“Okay, look, ‘Starbutt’,” I answered back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I just want to make it clear that I am not a monster. I am a Cybertronian aligned with the Decepticons, my name is Breakdown, and that is basically all I know to be true because nothing else I’ve seen all day has made any Primusdamn sense! You want to see monsters? Go look at the humans who made you!”

The unicorn seemed confused. “Humans? What are those?” 

I couldn’t believe it. I’d been sure these ponies had been human-created freaks, but despite the similarities of their culture I’d seen so far (which was admittedly almost nothing besides the fact they had agriculture, urban development, and some level of advanced technology through the use of condensed water pressure) they apparently had never heard of them before.

But then I realized that not only did these ponies not have a clue what humans were, they knew even less as to what I was, and that I barely knew anything about them or the world I was seemingly marooned on. As far as I knew, I was the only Cybertronian on the planet, if not left in existence, and I was at the mercy of the dominant species of mutant freak horses with little pictures of random shit on their asses. I had to wonder if death actually was preferable at this point.