//------------------------------// // 5 - Pork is Good, but Beef is Better // Story: Surviving in a Strange Two Legged World // by aCB //------------------------------// Applejack shifted comfortably in the clothes her human counterpart had provided her. Truth be told, the tight blue jeans and uncomfortable wire bra had been starting to get to her. These clothes (flannel pajamas, she had called them) were amazing. She could start to see why Rarity was so fascinated with clothes all the time. “Can Ah turn around now?” grumbled Human-AJ, who had been sitting on the bed in her room, “It’s not like ya have anything Ah hadn’t seen before.” “Yeah, heh. It just feels weird. Ah don’ know how to explain it. It’s just somethin’ about this body where it feels like Ah'm... exposed when Ah'm not wearin' clothes. Must be not havin' fur.” “Well you’re jus’ gonna have ta get used to it, sugarcube. Ah hate ta say it, but in this world, girls undress in front of each other all the time.” She looked up into Pony-AJ’s eyes and smiled. “Ya jus’ don’ know how bizarre all this is, seein’ myself like this. Ah don’ suppose it’s as bad for you, since ya aren’t used ta seein’ yourself all upright and such.” “Ah suppose it isn’t. Ah guess we should be getting’ down ta supper, huh?” “Yeah, Ah suppose so.” Applejack followed her downstairs into the kitchen. The rest of the Apple family and Rainbow Dash sat there quietly. In fact, Rainbow Dash seemed to be struggling to keep herself awake. Her head started drifting downward as she fell asleep, only to jerk back upwards as she suddenly awoke. She continued this bobbing motion as her down strokes led her dangling hair dangerously close to her food. Human-AJ stepped over and lifted her head up. “Ah think Ah should sit next ta sleepin’ beauty here,” she said with a small smile, “Unless she wants ta eat her supper off of her own face.” “Huh?” Rainbow asked, dazed, as she half opened her eyes. “Now Ah done told ya what would happen if you had all that coffee. Let’s hurry up an’ get you fed and get ya off to bed.” “Sounds good,” she replied. Applejack took the seat in between the Applebloom and her sister and looked down at the meal before her. She recognized mashed potatoes and steamed broccoli, but the large brown chunk on her plate was completely foreign to her. “What the hay is this?” Rainbow asked rudely, mimicking AJ’s thoughts as she poked at her brown thing. “That there is a prime cut Sweet Apple Acre’s steak. Only the best around!” responded Human-AJ proudly. “We never grew no steaks at the Sweet Apple Acres in Equestria.” “Really? Well about twenty years ago mah ma and pa had to branch out due to an apple famine, so we added a small ranch to the farm. Ah’m surprised y’all never did the same.” Applejack was about to ask what a ranch was before the whole table was distracted once again by Rainbow’s eating habits. She proceded to pick up her steak in her bare hands and ripped a chunk out of it with her teeth, causing the others at the table to simply stare at her. “Hey, this stuff is pretty good! I have to say, you human-things may be all haywire and backwards, but you do have some pretty cool food,” she said through a mouth full of steak. After swallowing a bite that had been way too big, she continued, “What is this stuff anyway? Is it like bacon?” “Y’all don’ know what steak is?” asked Applebloom incredulously. The two pony-girls shook their heads. “Well, steak is beef, and bacon is pork.” “You’re going to have to talk normal at us, sugarcube,” responded Applejack as she took a small bite of her own steak. It was a little greasy for her tastes, but it wasn’t horrible. The closest thing she could associate it with was tomatoes. Tomatoes with a really weird texture. Kind of. Even Big Mac was looking over at them now, curious as to how two young women could be so confused about a steak. He took a bite of his own medium-rare cut. Tasted good to him. “Beef means, uhm, cow,” said Human-AJ. “Ya mean like some sorta cheese?” “No, Ah mean cow meat.” Applejack dropped her fork. Both the girls looked over at the Apple family in shock. “WHAT?!” “What’s the matter?” Rainbow sputtered, as if unable to find words to say. Applejack tried her best to enumerate their problems without being rude to their guests. “Uhm, s-sugarcube? We don’… what Ah mean ta say… Ah mean… Ponies are herbivores.” Human-AJ’s eyes grew wide in realization, but Applebloom was unfazed. “So?” “’So’! Ah mean, this coulda been Mooriella or somethin’. Did y’all even know this cow?” “Of course we did, Applejack,” responded Human-AJ in attempted placation, “She was one of our herd. She was… actually, Big Mac slaughtered this cow. Which one was it, Mac?” Big Mac looked uncomfortable, clearly not wanting to become involved in the discussion. “One of the older brown ones, Ah think.” “But didya ever know her?” demanded Applejack, “Didya ever ask her what she liked, what she didn’t like?” The other AJ’s brow creased, “Ah think you’re confused there, sugarcube. Cows don’ talk.” “They don’t?” asked Rainbow Dash with mild interest as she tore off another chunk of steak with her teeth. “Rainbow!” yelled AJ, appalled. “What, I can’t help it! It’s good!” “Look at that thing, Rainbow! It’s practically bleeding!” “No it’s not, look. It’s just pink in the middle.” “It doesn’t matter if…” “Look Applejack,” Human-AJ started desperately, trying to avoid a fight, “Ah’m real sorry Ah didn’t realize how wrong it was of me ta give y’all meat. Don’ be angry at Rainbow, it’s mah fault. If you’re still hungry, Ah’ll getcha some fresh taters and greens.” Applejack sighed, “Nah, Ah’m good. Ah think Ah’ll just head off ta bed.” “Are ya sure, sugarcube?” “Yeah. Ah’m not really sure where y’all want me ta sleep, though…” “Well, there’s only one guest room, so…” “Ah’m not sleepin’ with Rainbow, so don’ even start!” accused Applejack angrily. Her counterpart seemed taken aback. Even Rainbow Dash looked up from her steak in confusion. “Ah wasn’t gonna suggest that. Ah was jus’ gonna say y’all can sleep in mah bed. Ah’ll take the couch.” “Ah ain’t gonna steal your bed from ya,” Applejack responded with a sigh, “So Ah’ll…” “Hogwash!” interjected Granny Smith. Everyone looked over at her in surprise – they had though she was asleep again. “I’m not lettin’ no guest of the Apple family sleep on the couch!” “It’s ok, Granny Smith…” Applejack responded with a half-hearted smile. “Nonsense. You’ll be riskin’ insultin’ us if ya refuse Apple hospitality!” Applejack smiled slightly; this Granny Smith was just like her pony version back home. “Alright, Granny, Ah’ll take the bed.” Applejack pushed her chair back from the table and headed upstairs slowly. After she was gone, Human-AJ turned to Granny Smith questioningly. “Y’all wasn't even awake ta even hear who she was or why she's here.” “I’m getting’ too old to worry none about the details. All I know is if they need help, I’m not gonna leave no friend o’ my granddaughter’s blowin’ in the wind. Besides,” she smiled, “Ya can’t go doubtin’ an honest face quite like that one.” Applejack smiled at the compliment. She looked around and saw that everyone left at the table was finished, with the exception of Rainbow who was eyeing the departed Applejack’s steak hungrily. “Y’all can have it, sugarcube,” she said as she pushed the plate toward Rainbow, “But be sure an’ eat your veggies too. Y’all are bound ta get a stomach ache if all ya eat is meat.” “Yeah, yeah,” Rainbow Dash said as she completely disregarded her advice. “Well Ah guess we better get ta bed ourselves. Long day tomorrow an’ all.” The rest of her family agreed and took their dishes to the sink. Applejack had another reason to excuse herself though – she and her pony counterpart were long overdue a talk. Under the guise of getting clothes and a pillow from her room, she headed upstairs. She tentatively paused before knocking on her own bedroom door. Ah hope she’s not too steamed. Shutting her eyes for a moment, she rapped quickly on the door. “Come in.” Human-AJ walked in to see her clone sitting on the edge of the bed, frowning slightly and apparently lost in thought. She looked up as Human-AJ walked into the room, her expression stony and unchanged. “What do you need?” she asked trying to feign politeness, but her voice had a harsh edge to it nonetheless. “Ah just wanted to talk there, sugarcube,” responded Human-AJ with a comforting smile, “Well, that an’ apologize.” Applejack raised her eyebrows. “Ah’m just a dunderhead, is all. Ah shoulda known that y’all wouldn’t want to eat meat. Ah’m sorry Ah offended you.” Applejack sighed, “Nah, it’s okay. Ah guess I was just, shocked is all.” “Then what’s got ya so upset?” “Jus’ thinkin’, is all. Ah mean, we’re stuck here. What if we can’t find Sunset Shimmer? What if she doesn’ know how ta get us back before the six months is up? Don’ get me wrong, Ah’m mighty grateful y’all are puttin’ us up like this. Ah know Rainbow is too. But what if we’re stuck here for six more months? Ah wouldn’t expect ya ta tolerate us that long. Not to mention how bad Twilight might be getting’.” Human-AJ smiled and pulled her new friend into a comforting hug. “Don’t y’all worry about it. We’re not about ta let y’all jus’ stumble about someplace ya know nothin’ about. And Twilight’s mah friend too. Ah promised Ah’d help you out, and Ah always keep mah word,” she smiled, “We’ll jus’ have ta figure out a more permanent sleepin’ arrangement.” “Thanks, Applejack.” Human-AJ grinned, “You have no idea how weird it is ta here you call me that.” “Ah think Ah do.” She gave Pony-AJ one more hug before heading toward the door. “Sleep tight, sugarcube.” As she reached toward the doorknob, she heard her counterpart call out to her. “Actually, there was one more thing Ah wanted ta ask ya.” Human-AJ turned around, “Shoot.” “Why do y’all keep insisting on puttin’ me an’ Rainbow in compromisin’ situations?” Human-AJ blushed, “Well Ah guess… Ah guess it’s just ‘cause it... it’s like wish fulfillment.” “Wish fulfillment?” “Yeah, well… You remember how Ah told you Ah kinda fancy the Rainbow Dash in this universe?” “Now that you mention it, ya did say y’all were gonna explain all that ta me.” She sighed. This wasn’t something that was easy to talk about, but she did promise, after all. “Alright, Applejack, Ah’ll tell you. But ya have to promise to keep it between us, alright? An’ no laughin’ at me!” Pony-AJ nodded. “Alright. Like Ah told ya before, mah datin’ experience is non-existent. Farmin’ just keeps me so busy Ah never really entertain the idea of romance. Not that Ah think about it too often, mind you, but Ah know it’d never work out. “Rainbow Dash is the opposite. Ah’m sure y’all know it as well as me, but that girl loves attention. She’s always surrounded by admirer’s, an’ Ah seen her arm around some strapping young lad more’n once. She an’ Rarity talks about it from time ta time, an’ Rainbow always says she jus’ likes ta play ‘em along. Ah don’ know how, but Ah know she’s tellin’ the truth.” “Course ya can tell. Y’all are the Element of Honesty, after all.” “Huh?” Human-AJ questioned, “Element of whatsit now? Is that the thing...” “Nevermind. Ah’ll tell ya later.” “Okay, then. Anyway, we were all at one of Pinkie Pie’s parties one day, this was about a year ago, mind you, but Ah was jus’ sittin’ around, bein’ a wallflower like normal, when Ah went ta the restroom and stumbled on Rainbow.” “Ya mean…?” “Naw, nothing like that,” Human-AJ laughed, “She was in there… kissin’. Kissin’ another girl. Lightning Dust, Ah think her name was. Ah was just so surprised, Ah closed the door an’ couldn't think. Ah had always assumed Rainbow Dash ta be straight. It was confusin’. And then Ah sat back down where Ah was an’ started feelin’ stuff Ah never felt before.” “Really? Like what?” “Like jealousy. Ah had no reason ta be jealous 'cause of Rainbow Dash, it’s not like Ah fancied her at the time. Ah wasn’t even sure if Ah could fancy a girl, myself. Ah just thought that she deserved better than that Lightning Dust girl. The more Ah thought about it, the angrier it made me. Lightning Dust was better’n me at everythin’ Dash admired – sports, runnin’, braggin’. They jus’ seemed like such an obvious match…” “Then what was the problem?” “Ah’m sure ya know how Rainbow can get ta braggin’. That girl has a head bigger’n Goliath’s left testicle. Pardon mah French.” “Who’s this Goliath? What's French?” “He was… never mind. Ah know ya get my meanin’. Anyway, Lightning Dust is like ten times worse. She’s the kind of player who’ll make the team lose cause she’s too proud ta pass the ball cause she wants ta score the goal herself. Ah knew Dash could do better, but Ah also knew Ah couldn’t compete with this girl.” “So what didja do?” “Nothin’,” replied Human-AJ sheepishly, “Ah was too shy ta say anythin’ ta her. She figured out that Lightning Dust was no good on her own eventually. She even got her thrown off the team. But Ah still had feelings for her, as much as Ah knew Ah shouldn’t.” “Why haven’t ya told anyone about it? Doesn’t it bother ya?” “It sure does, sugarcube. But Ah think it’s just not meant ta be. After we graduated, all Rainbow could talk about was joinin’ the navy so she could be part of that flying aerobatic team with the fighter jets… what were they called again? Blue Angels? No, that's not it… Oh yeah, the Wonderbolts!” Pony-AJ couldn’t help but laugh. Rainbow Dash is Rainbow Dash, after all. “Anyway, Ah know that Ah’m always gonna be workin’ on this farm. It’s where Ah’ve always known Ah wanted ta be, so Ah’m not gonna burden myself or Rainbow Dash with an inconvenient romance. Mah family’s pretty traditional too, an’ Ah don’t want them ta have ta deal with somethin’ Ah know’ll make ‘em uncomfortable. Ah’ll jus’ keep it ta myself, like always.” A long silence followed the end of her story. Both Applejacks just stared at the floor, unsure of what to say. Eventually, Human-AJ got up to leave. “Ah’m a might sorry about bein’ so pushy with you and that pony Rainbow,” she said softly, “Ah should know better than ta think pushin’ you two together would make me happy. Ah won’t do it again.” “It’s okay,” smiled Pony-AJ, “Ah can’t really be that sore at ya after that story. If ya ever need someone ta talk to in the future, you can always talk ta me. Ya know Ah’ll understand ya.” The other Applejack laughed, “Yeah, Ah guess so. Better get some sleep there, sugarcube. We’ll be gettin’ up pretty early tomorrow ta start lookin’ for this Twilight. Dash'll probably be asleep on the kitchen table by now. Better go help 'er off ta bed.” She left with a smile and quietly closed the door behind her. Applejack laid her head back on the comfortable pillow. It had been a full two days since she got to sleep in a proper bed and maybe because of this, this bed was about the most comfortable thing she had ever laid on. Before she knew it, she was fast asleep. *** After what seemed like forever, Dartmoor finally led the three mares to the safe house. It was little more than a cave in the side of Galloping Gorge with a rickety door built into the entrance. Had she been in better condition, Rarity might have complained loudly at the garish nature of their sanctuary, but all three ponies were glad to finally be out of the exposure of the dangerous landscape. The inside of the cave was not furnished any more than might be expected from the appearance of its entrance. There was two couches that surrounded a small fireplace, and the faint outlines of cots toward the back of the cave. Pinkie Pie immediately went toward one of the mildewed couches and gingerly laid Rarity down upon it. She let out a groan as her body sank into the worn cushions. As much as Fluttershy was worried about her friends, she also began to feel the pain and fatigue now that their journey was over. She gingerly sat in the spot on the couch next to Rarity and let out a small sigh. “Dartmoor! Dartmoor Bronc! How did everything go?” cried out a voice from the back of the cave as a figure got up from one of the cots. “Agister,” nodded Dartmoor curtly, “Everything is fine. Only a few complications…” As if in response to his statement, the group could hear the distant roar of a mountain lion from the canyon they had just been in. Fluttershy unconsciously shook in fear. The unicorn known as Agister walked over to her with a warm smile and put a hoof on her shoulder. “Now, now, my dear, there’s nothing to be worried about. I’ve been in this cave for about six months now, and never once has a mountain lion ever got close to getting in here. Besides,” he lowered his voice, “Between you and me, I don’t think a ten story tall dragon would be able to stand against Dartmoor over there when he gets in a mood for violence.” Fluttershy looked up at the stallion. He had an old, wrinkled face and a greying beard, but his eyes were kind, and Fluttershy knew she could trust him. She smiled back meekly. He turned his attention to Rarity. “And what happened to you, young miss?” “A mountain lion attacked her!” cried Pinkie in response, “And Fluttershy and me were all like ‘AAAGH!’ but then Dartmoor jumped on his and was all like ‘CRACK!’ but Rarity went all ‘OWW!’ but now we’re here,” she finished her speech while acting out all the appropriate actions. “You killed another one, Dartmoor?” Agister rolled his eyes, “I keep telling you if you keep them alive there won’t be any meat to keep attracting more!” Dartmoor shrugged his shoulders and lazily fell back on the couch. He pulled out a bottle of bourbon from underneath the seat cushion and proceeded to take swigs from it with little interest in the conversation. Agister wasn’t letting him off so easy. “Please tell me that was the only thing you killed tonight!” “Ooh! He also threw the train attendant under the moving train!” Pinkie volunteered. “Dartmoor! Seriously?!” Dartmoor shrugged again, “Seemed like a good idea at the time.” Agister let out an exasperated groan, “We have quite enough attention on us without you killing everypony you come across! Ugh… There’s no getting through to you. Come now, my dear,” he said as her turned his attention to Rarity, “Let’s see about getting you patched up.” He went back to one of the cots in the rear of the cave and returned with a large roll of gauze. He inspected Rarity closely, something she would not normally let a strange pony do, but she wasn’t in a state to protest. “It’s not so bad, luckily the punctures don’t go as deep as your lungs, I think. We just need to disinfect…” He grabbed the bottle of bourbon from out of Dartmoor’s hooves… “HEY!” …and poured it on a freshly ripped piece of gauze. Next he rubbed it briskly into the wounds through Rarity’s red-stained coat. She winched, but she didn’t say anything. Dartmoor started throwing a tantrum and cursing wildly. “I DON’T KNOW WHY I KEEP YOU AROUND YOU USELESS SAGGY MANTICORE SCRO… “ “Let’s wrap you up now,” said Agister, ignoring the raging stallion behind him, “We’re going to need to get you to a real doctor soon, but I think this will do for the time being. Celestia knows Dartmoor usually comes back with worse injuries than this, but he always heals up pretty good on his own. Now your turn…” He turned and smiled at Fluttershy. She instinctively recoiled. “It will only hurt for a second, young filly, now let’s…” “SHE DOESN’T NEED THAT BOOZE AS MUCH AS I DO! SHE CAN GO SUCK YOUR WRINKLY OLD PARASPRITE-SIZED D…” “Just ignore him!” advised Agister with exasperation as Fluttershy drew back in fear, “He gets cranky when he doesn’t get his fix. It was the last bottle anyway, so I don’t know what he expected…” As soon as he poured the alcohol on the gauze pad, Dartmoor ripped the bottle out of his magic aura and guzzled down the rest. He slammed back into his seat on the other couch and grumbled about ruining a good night of drinking. After Agister was done patching up Fluttershy, he took a seat between Pinkie and Dartmoor on the other couch and sighed. “How bad was it, Dart? As bad as we feared?” “Worse, I think. Somepony wanted these fillies dead.” “Dead? But that doesn’t make sense. How do you know?” “There was a bomb on the train. Somepony besides us knew they were coming.” “A bomb…” Agister put wearily held his head in his hoofs for a minute before remembering the three mares that were also present. “I’m sorry ladies,” he said softly, “You must have had a very long night. There should be enough cots in the back for all of us. Please make yourselves at home. We can talk in the morning.” “No!” shouted Fluttershy, startling everypony present. She quickly realized her tone of voice and rebounded to her normal soft mode of speech, “I mean… if it’s okay with you… I think we won’t be able to sleep very well until we know what’s going on.” “Dartmoor did promise us!” Pinkie reminded. Rarity nodded in agreement. “You did?” Agister asked with a smile at the corner of his mouth, “Well then you better make good on it…” “Fine,” Dartmoor groaned, “But you owe me a new bottle of bourbon when we get to town.” He sat up half-heartedly and cleared his throat. “Oh!” cried Pinkie as if suddenly realizing something, “Here you go! I found this!” She pulled an unopened bottle of the same brand of bourbon that been emptied only minutes before. A confused look arose on everypony’s face as he reached out to take it. As he was about to grab it in his hoof, he paused hesitantly. “Wait, where were you keeping this? You don’t have a saddlebag…” “Oh, I just found it.” “It’s best not to try to understand Pinkie,” explained Fluttershy quietly, “It’s made ponies go insane before.” Dartmoor shrugged and took the bottle. He guzzled down a quarter of it in one long pull and went on with his story a little more enthused. “I’m sure you all remember the death of King Sombra – of course you do, you were there. It was a very confusing time for the whole Crystal Empire. I mean, imagine, one day you’re slaves to an evil asshole, then some so-called goddess princess pony bitches come and have some sort of fight with him. The next thing you know, you’re sucked into a shitty time warp thing and you wake up a thousand years later, but it feels like tomorrow. Some new royal assholes are declaring themselves your prince and princess and a bunch of entirely-too-happy ponies are trying to throw you a carnival, but you’re too concerned about the brutal beatings you got yesterday, which was really a thousand years ago.” The three mares looked to Dartmoor in some confusion. He was taking steady swigs of his new drink as he talked, and it showed. He looked like he was wavering a little bit and his words were slightly slurred, but he seemed to still have a firm grasp on his state of mind and his cognitive faculties. He just couldn’t get the words out right. Or make any sense. “Let me take over,” Agister cut in apologetically; Dartmoor shrugged and took another drink.. He looked over toward the three mares and continued, “Anyway, the empire came back and King Sombra was destroyed. As confusing it was to all the crystal ponies who were recently reawakened, it was more than enough to drive them into ecstasy and pledge allegiance to the alicorn who had declared herself their ruler. “However, not everypony was happy about the change. One man does not a government make, after all. King Sombra had ministers, bureaucrats, soldiers… All of which Sombra treated very well, like any good despot would. Several of his old cronies have gotten together and formed a secret society of sorts – The Black Crystal Disciples. These are evil ponies, to say the least. Even now they’re scheming ways of resurrecting their old master.” “Is… Is that even possible?” asked Fluttershy fearfully. “We think so,” he continued gravely, “We don’t know all the details, but we know it has something to do with the Elements of Harmony – with you ladies. We had thought they would try to kidnap you and use you somehow. That’s why Dartmoor followed you when we heard through a spy that you were in the Crystal Empire. We thought they would try to kidnap you, but from what Dartmoor’s said about the bomb, it appears that they want something far worse. Right now our greatest priority is to keep you six mares safe.” The group sat silent for a few minutes, interrupted only by the soft sound of Dartmoor continuing to imbibe. Rarity shifted painfully in her spot, able to softly speak a question that was on all three mare’s minds. “Pardon me, sir. Agister was it? I don’t believe you’ve told us how you and this… other (cough) gentleman fit into all this.” Agister smiled softly, “Yes, you are quite correct, miss. I do apologize. You may not know this, but the land upon which you know lie was once sovereign Crystal Empire territory. The whole empire didn’t disappear with Sombra, you see, only the capital city did. Princess Celestia took no time in annexing the parts of the empire still extant after the king’s defeat. My ancestors were – are – the very ponies now residing in the Crystal Empire city that you all saved. As the centuries passed, the crystal ponies that had not been banished began interbreeding with the Equestrian ponies, and over time we lost our characteristic shimmering coat. “After Sombra was defeated a thousand years ago, many of the survivors of his tyranny knew that he would one day return, and a group formed with this one solitary cause – to watch for signs of his return, and stop it through any means. This group became a secret society of its own, and my father was a member, as was his father. It is my entire purpose in life to ensure that Sombra will never again exercise his iron rule upon anypony. We are kind of a counter to the Black Crystal Disciples, I suppose, although our numbers have dwindled through the years. Dartmoor here joined up about a year ago, and he has been an invaluable ally, even if his methods are slightly… very brutal.” Dartmoor responded to this with a loud belch as he emptied the rest of the bottle Pinkie gave him. Agister facehoofed and shook his head in exasperation. “Now if that’s all your questions, I think we’d better get to bed.”