//------------------------------// // Goodbye? // Story: How I Felt // by Joyous Apple //------------------------------//   Honestly, I must say I Liked you from the start. The way you laughed, the way you were always smiling around friends, but was scared of other things. It brought a smile to my face, to see that you were happy and tried to make others happy, and let them win arguments. Whenever we talked, you turned my frown around. You always knew how to make me smile, or lift my day. It wasn’t until the 2nd month of knowing you, that I noticed I had a crush on you. At first it was small. I liked you, but I wasn’t too into you. but such feelings grew. I didn’t say anything though, because I valued our friendship. I was scared to be shunned away. after thinking about the consequences of being rejected, did I imagine the idea of not being around you to talk or laugh. The idea was horrible and seemed like hell to me. In a way, it still does.   I remember the first time i asked someone about you, did I really decide to try and pursue you. I started off with just one friend. I asked Rarity, but she didn’t really know. But, I guess I could have asked better. you know i’m not good with my words. I may know what to say for others and how to help with certain things, but for me, I am horrible. I asked her if you were seeing somebody. She just shook her head and said you weren’t outgoing like that.   I kept on hanging out with you. I tried to notice what you liked. I noticed that you enjoyed drawing. I guess that was understandable. you like animals and kept to yourself, so you would draw wouldn’t you. I was horrible with drawing. I shown you that. So that’s when I asked if you could teach me how. ever since then, whenever we talked, it led to your favorite topic. The way you smiled and talked about it, brought a smile to my face, and made my day.   Things kept going this way for several days. And the more I was with you, the happier i’ve been. I had crushes before, but none a strong as this one. I tried thinking if it was just in my head, that I was too attracted to you. I concluded that i really did like you.   I didn’t know what to do. I began going to visit Twilight and the library everyday to read a book on romance. Not the sappy ones about kings and princesses and such. I read romance about people our age and time. how people found each other and how happy they were together. Twilight and I began to talk about these stories. I really enjoyed the conversations, and she never questioned my sudden interest.   Every time I read a story, I couldn’t help think about us. What I would do for you. How I read about the lovers in the story starred in each others eyes and were always happy in eachothers embrace. I ran across stories that described how you were. I enjoyed those ones the most.   I began to read another series by accident along the way. You enjoyed the show, and so I watched the show. I enjoyed it the most. more than you actually. Then you noticed that I liked to read and write too. You referenced a website for me to read these stories on. I was hooked by them all. I then began to write about stories like the ones I saw.   Since I stunk at drawing, I asked you if you wanted to draw pictures for me to put into the site along with my story. The more we hung out, the more I noticed that you were a bit more happier than usual.   I began to think if you liked me back. I didn’t want to ask, in chance that i was wrong. So a week later, I talked Rainbow Dash. She was surprised by my sudden confession. I pushed her more and she finally agreed to ask for me. but she wouldn’t mention my name, saying that she will ask if you if you were with anyone.   At this, I went home very happy. I never had such a great rest.   Then the next day came. It began like usual. But then we met later that day, and I was thinking about asking you then and there. i stood next to you, about to ask, when i looked up and noticed rainbow dash shaking her head mouthing ‘don’t do it’.   I made a questionable look, but i didn’t ask. the rest of our gathering went as usual and you left with the others. i looked to rainbow when we were alone. I walked up to her and asked her what was wrong. She told me that you were with someone.   The second I heard this, i felt something break. it was my heart. but i didn’t let the smile go from my face. I kept it there. She told me who you were with. I didn’t yell or hate. I smiled for you. you were perfect with her. You would be happy together.   I left and went straight to Rarity’s. I told her what i was told. The whole time i talked, I kept a straight face. She gasped and just stood there. After i finally said it, I began to feel the loss and failure. I began to feel a burning in my eyes. I tried to hold them back to no avail.   I began to cry. i felt the tears coming. I haven’t cried since before the rock farm. I never cried at a crush before, but this one hurt. it hurt worse than anything. You were with my best friend. the one I didn’t tell about my feelings for you. one I was going to tell that II finally got somepony.   Rarity tried to soothe me. but it didn’t help. her presence was at the back of my working mind. I bit on my hand to hold back the tears, but they still kept going. when they finally stopped, after a few hours of crying, my fingers were bruised and full of teeth marks.     Rarity said that she would never imagine me being so sad before. me, a person who was always active and smiling, trying to bring joy, would be so sad. I never was happy myself, but I kept it up for others, so that they never felt lonely like I did. but when I started to like you, i forgot all about my loneliness. the second i found out about you and her, I was reminded about it.   I felt pure betrayal. but why? It wasn’t like Applejack knew I liked you. I felt betrayed, but I knew there was no reason for it.   I walked home after and cried myself to sleep. Nobody, besides me, Rarity and rainbow, knew about you guys, and I kept it like that. we acted as if we didn’t know, because we weren’t supposed to know. I went on for a few months. You guys went public and everyone, including me, supported you guys. i was the most supportive. for being so proud of you guys, Rarity gave me a few worried looks, but shrugged them off.   After another month, I began to lose energy. I didn’t brush my hair after my showers. i just let it fall straight after a while. I didn’t care. I realized a sad truth then. i was always going to be lonely. You guys weren’t smiling around me much often. You guys were always sad. And it was my fault. My sadness was ruining you guys. i tried many things to make myself happy.   I went to go get help from a doctor, and I did get better after a while. so did you guys. but then i realized it was the drugs they gave me. I didn’t want to have to take meds to make myself better. so I stopped and you guys noticed. I couldn’t stand your guys depression or sadness. so I put on a fake smile again. But deep down i still feel the pain of loneliness. I write this to you now, because I can’t stand this anymore. I am done. I can’t stand being alone anymore, living a fake life. So i’m going to send this out and you will get it in a few days.   I just want to say that i am sorry i ruined everything for everyone. That I want you to be happy and everyone else. but you mostly. I have the pills in my hand now. when I finish this paper, i am going to swallow them and send this paper out. Fluttershy, i want you to know this first, because I know you will be able to tell the others and explain to them what i want and that i am no good anymore.   Sincerely,              Pinkamena Diane Pie   P.S.   Goodbye.