13. My Heart Felt Like—
“You did what?” Rainbow Dash tried to say it calmly, but her restraint snapped on the last word.
“I just couldn’t take it anymore,” Twilight said. Her voice was muffled by her fetal position. “Pinkie Pie is dead. She’s dead and I tried to pretend that thing was her.”
“It’ll be okay, Twilight,” Fluttershy said. She put a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder, but Twilight didn’t move.
“Well, she may not be the real Pinkie Pie, but she doesn’t deserve being thrown out!” Rainbow’s voice had gotten louder. Self-control had never been one of her strengths. “I’m gonna go find her, who’s coming?”
“Er, uhm, Rainbow…” Fluttershy’s voice was still the same soft tone she had been using with Twilight. “Maybe…maybe we shouldn’t.”
“Are you serious?”
“No. But, well…” Fluttershy tilted her head towards Twilight.
“Yeah, I know it’s her fault! That’s why I have to go look for Pinkie.”
Fluttershy’s mouth dropped open in surprise. “Rainbow Dash! This isn’t anypony’s fault! How could you even say that?”
“This definitely looks like someone’s fault to me.” Rainbow Dash jerked her head to the side. Rarity and Applejack were still muttering between themselves. They were at the edge of the room, just far enough away not to be heard. “And why aren’t you two saying anything?”
The two of them looked up at the same time. Their gazes followed the exact same path. First they looked at Rainbow Dash. Then they turned their heads to Twilight, still curled up on the floor. Finally, they looked at each other.
“We were just discussing the best way to react to all of this,” Rarity finally said.
“Yeah? And what’d you come up with?” Rainbow Dash asked. There was more than a hint of mockery in the question.
“We think everypony needs ta calm down,” Applejack said.
“Calm down? I’m as calm as cloudbank.” Rainbow jerked a hoof at the kitchen’s sink. The broken pan was still jutting out of it. “What do you call that?”
“Well…”
“So are you two coming or not?”
Another glance.
“We’re not sure that’s a good idea,” Rarity said. She didn’t look at Rainbow Dash.
“Fine, stay here then. All four of you.” Rainbow Dash flared her wings at the first word, and by the time her sentence ended she was already out the door.
“Fluttershy?” Twilight’s voice was still quiet, a whisper muffled by her own body.
“Yes?”
“Does that lie ever work?”
“What do you mean?”
“The one about everything being okay.”
Fluttershy bit her lip, just for a moment. She knew the delay would make her answer less convincing, but she hadn’t been able to help it. Animals never asked her things like that. “It will be okay, Twilight. I promise.”
Twilight didn’t say anything.
Rarity turned back to Applejack, lowered her voice, covered her mouth with a hoof. “Well, you were right about contacting Celestia, I suppose.”
“So, do ya know a messaging spell or somethin’ like that or not? Can’t use Spike, since Twilight has him stayin’ with Cheerilee or whatever. Better not ta drag him into this.”
“I’d need a book or something to refresh my memory, but I suppose it would be easy enough.” Rarity let a deep, long breath. “I suppose I should not be surprised. When you put off calling someone long enough, then the circumstances you do call them under are never pleasant.”
“Maybe I should go back?” Pinkie paused and looked back at the town. Her foreleg rose a little bit, but fell back down. “No, Twilight might still be mad.” She continued walking along the path. “She just needs time to calm down. I didn’t do anything wrong. I won the test, she’ll be fine.
“But, then why did she get mad in the first place? I mean, I won the test, I threw a party, I made cookies. Nothing should be wrong! So why did she get mad?”
The road forked. One path wandered towards the forest, straightening out near the edge. The other path veered a little to the left, farther away from the town. Pinkie barely even paused to consider before continuing down the left path. It was a little better kempt; the walk would probably be smoother.
“I’m not shallow. That’s just silly. I won the test, right? So I can’t be shallow. I’m not an actor. Maybe it was something I said. Maybe I shouldn’t have told Twilight about my dream. I thought it was silly, but maybe she didn’t like it? Maybe it reminded her of something. I hope I didn’t hurt her feelings. I’m sure she’ll be fine. I’ll just finish my walk and then go back and talk to her. I’m not shallow, I won the test, Twilight must just be sad about something else.”
Pinkie paused. “Oh no! If she’s sad, and I made it worse instead of helping her… What if they don’t let me back? Am I a bad friend? That must be it. Twilight wanted my help and I did it wrong. Should I go back?”
She turned to the town again. She had walked a little way out of it, but it was still fairly close. She sat down. She had run out of town sort of fast, so she was a little tired.
“What if she was right?” The words were quieter than the rest of her speech. “I’m supposed to be a good friend but I couldn’t help her. I made cookies and I threw a party for Fluttershy but Twilight was still upset and I didn’t even notice!”
She started rubbing her hooves together. “I didn’t know she was upset. A good friend should know that, shouldn’t I? Maybe I should go back. But she told me to leave, and she said I was bad at throwing parties and…”
Pinkie grabbed her head. “I don’t know what to do. I passed the test, I’m supposed to know what to do and how to be a good friend but I just don’t!”
It was just like the time that Fluttershy had asked her to that tea party. She hadn’t known what to do then either. The thought had scared her so much; the idea that she couldn’t pick something and would have to settle for nothing.
The test was supposed to solve everything. She won, that meant something. She was supposed to better at this, it was supposed to fix everything. That’s what they had made it sound like.
Except it hadn’t worked. Pinkie took her hooves away from her face, and she could feel her fur sticking together. She hadn’t even noticed the tears. Just like she hadn’t noticed Twilight being sad.
“Maybe…maybe Twilight was right…” The words were just loud enough to hear, and the sound of them turned Pinkie’s stomach. She clamped her hooves over her head and scrunched her eyes shut. She didn’t want to hear it. “Maybe…maybe I’m a terrible friend…” The sentence was inaudible. Pinkie didn’t hear it, but she knew she had said it. The admission almost felt worse because of it. She couldn’t even bring herself to say it out loud, to listen to the truth.
“Are you okay?”
“No!” Pinkie didn’t recognize the voice, but it didn’t matter. The innocuous question was like an accusation, an interrogation, and she couldn’t just ignore it. “I’m a terrible friend and I’m terrible at parties and Twilight hates me and I don’t know what to do!” Her voice cracked. “The test didn’t help at all! I’m supposed to be Pinkie Pie and be everyone’s friend and be good at parties and it didn’t work!” She could definitely feel tears on her face now. Even with her eyes closed, the salt leaked into her mouth.
Suddenly, she felt hooves wrap around her. She didn’t pause to question the hug, or the way the other pony gently lifted her into position. She just threw her forelegs towards the pony, her eyes still closed in a futile attempt to make herself feel better. She felt rough fabric press into her forelegs, the pony’s mane stick to her face.
“It’ll be okay,” the pony said.
“But…but if I didn’t do anything wrong why is she mad at me?” Pinkie pushed her face deeper into the pony’s body. She felt some of her tears and mucous smear onto the other pony, and briefly wondered if that was another fox pass.
“Twilight didn’t mean it.” The pony’s voice was so calm, so gentle.
The memory of that broken pan and Twilight crying flashed into Pinkie’s mind. She definitely had not been joking. “How can you tell?” Pinkie’s question was barely a whisper. She wanted to believe it so badly.
“Nopony wants to hurt anypony else, not on purpose. Sometimes ponies get confused, or sad, or angry. They don’t want to hurt anyone else, but they can’t help it. Their emotions get the best of them. But, no matter what, we can always be happy again. All you have to do is remind them what happiness is, and that brings everything back to normal.”
Pinkie’s slowly opened her eyes. The other pony smelled nice, like grass and moss, though the smell didn’t match the pink of her coat. “Except I tried that already, and…and I just made it worse.”
“Well, I guess we’ll just have to go try together.”
Pinkie finally pulled her head up, peeling it off the other pony’s coat. Even through the layer of drying tears, the pony’s hair was still vibrant. It finally struck Pinkie how familiar the shade of pink was.
Pinkie looked up at the pony’s face. “Pinkie Pie?”
Pinkie Pie smiled. “None oth—” Her smiled dimmed a little. “Well…I mean, yep. That’s my name. Don’t wear it out. Or, something like that.”
Pinkie Pie stood up and pulled Pinkie up after her. Her beat up cloak had a noticeable stain near the top. Her shoulder had a similar one. She didn’t bother with them.
“Come on, let’s go back to Ponyville.”
The two of them trotted back down the road. Neither of them said anything. Pinkie tried to, more than once. Every time her mouth would open and the words would just fade away and die out.
It was just like the tea party. She hadn’t been able to figure out what to do, and so she had gone crying to Pinkie Pie. She wanted to think about something else, ask questions, but that was the only thought she could muster. She still couldn’t decide for herself, which meant that Twilight was still right. Even with Pinkie Pie walking next to her, humming something or other, it was not a comforting thought.