Dear Princess Celestia,
I know I maybe unknown to you Princess – in fact I go quite unnoticed to a lot of ponies, but my name is Berry Punch. I live relatively blissfully in a little cottage in Ponyville. In fact I’ve lived there all my life, ever since my Grandmother bought that old house in town square. Sure, its shabby and the roof leaks every Hearth’s Warming Eve, but its home. However, things haven’t been so peaceful as of late. See, this is the exact reason I am writing to you because things in the neighbourhood have not being going – how can I put this… well. No, not well at all. In fact they’ve been absolutely… fucking terrible!
You know what? Bullocks to your formal etiquette. I’m sorry Princess; I really did try to be polite. Screw it, I’m writing this letter my way. That’s the problem with ponies in this town; they’re all fucking happy-go-lucky about everything. I feel like I’m the only one with a pissing brain cell.
“Oh look, there’s a dragon about to cover Equestria in a massive cloud of smoke!”
“Oh, back to uprooting my carrots.” Which by the way, Carrot Top’s taste like rabbit shit. It took me a week to scrub the taste of my tongue.
You see what I mean? Utterly useless. But that’s not what I want to talk about. Unbelievably, there’s something even worse. That’s right, that so-called student of yours. Twilight Sparkle. Buck sake. Just writing her name makes me wanna chuck. And believe me it’s the only thing I’ve done this morning. It’s like I’ve got a constant three-way going on between me, a bottle of Merlot and the bucking toilet.
Every since she rained down on that huge arse golden chariot, it’s like the whole town’s got a hard on for her or something. I can’t even go to the market without hearing somepony ranting on about your faithful student. I bet she’s well faithful Princess – Hmm? And now she’s a frigging Princess – with wings. That bitch nearly blinded me to shit all that transformation crap. Doesn’t she know I like to sleep on Mondays? It’s a fucking calamity living next to that unsightly cow. Her tongue must be plastered to your arsehole.
Everything remotely bad that happens starts because of her. Oh, and her fucktard minion Spike. There’s a hole as wide as the Mayor’s minge in my roof because of that twat rampaging around. What? She’s been bucked so many times her fanny’s like a yawning hippo.
Dragons are bloody discussing and total idiots. I didn’t even get any cake at that wankstain Diamond Tiara’s cute-ceañera because of him. I guess it’s alright though; the punch was fucking A, so naturally I got shitfaced. At least it livened up that snooze-fest, right? I would have to drink something stronger than apple juice with those Cutie Mark Crusaders running around.
Bunch of little shits. You’ll never guess what they did? They convinced that guy Big Macintosh, to drag my house around Ponyville like some plow! Speaking off, he can plow me anytime he likes. Big? Damn right, look like he can jizz like a fucking sperm whale. Em, anyway… Yeah, my house. He dragged the bastard to Carousel Boutique. I couldn’t tell if I was buzzing of that Malbec I’d drunk or just my new fucking “mobile-home”. Took me weeks to get that shit sorted. What's even worse were those friends of Twilight’s “checking up” on me.
Goddess, I hate them. I preferred it when Discord turned them into a bunch of douches. At least they were remotely fun. And I got to snort pepper all day - that was some good shit. But no, they have to be loyal and honest and all that shite. I mean, come on. They’re not so special. You know what’s special? Downing a pint of bitter in three seconds – that’s special.
I tried my best to keep the buggers out, especially that fussy one that owns the dress shop. Fashion obsessed freak. She practically penetrated me on my way to my cousin's wedding.
“Oh, what a marvellous dress. Look at that stitching!”
“You’ll need some stitching if you don’t piss off!”
I looked like a right tosser. That is the last time I walk across town in a “marvellous” outfit. Nosey bitch. After that I couldn’t get her to leave me alone. Always asking:
“Need anything?”
“Come over for some tea.”
“I made quiche.”
Generous my flank. She was such an irritating tart. Wasn’t until she’d well and truly fucked off I remembered who she was. Not only one of Twilight Sparkle’s friends, but that jock-strap from the Sister-Hood Social race last year. What a fucking embarrassment.
Now, I’m not gonna lie to you Princess. I occasionally like to drink. And sometimes I get slightly rat arsed intoxicated. At last year’s Grand Galloping Gala I may or may not have slapped a bouncer due to this intoxication. I would like to say I deeply regret this… but I don’t. The cock spilt my drink.
Slapping bouncers is deemed unacceptable social conduct apparently. So, I had to take this mandatory child-minding course. Mother of you, it was terrible. Looking after some little gob shite for a week, I drank so much vodka so I couldn’t see the waste of space. Then, I had to compete in a redneck sports day totally hung-over with the twat. That’s where that cow Rarity nearly lost me out of 100 bits!
See, me and the little filly had to do all kinds of sporty shit. But that Rarity mare was showing me up. Don’t worry, I totally served the bitch. Safe to say those bits were spent wisely (whiskey).
You know, now that I think about it, that hillbilly Applejack was there too. I swear those two are banging. Every month I see them going off to the mountains to “pick flowers”. Not that I would blame her – Rarity is fucking smoking.
Well, you know how I said that everypony in town is self-possessed? Not on Winter Wrap Up. If there is something more soul-destroying and completely disastrous, it’s that bloody event. Every year it’s an absolute cock-up. Oh, and the song. The fucking song! I’ve heard cats with better musical direction than that bunch of tone-deaf bastards. Feels like my ears are on a period they bleed so much. Plus, I have to wake up at 7.00 am on a Saturday. Don’t they know I’m on the come down from the night before? Goddess, be damned.
Princess, I’m crap at just about everything, cooking, painting, math, ice-skating…walking (sometimes). So, don’t make up shit for me to suck at! Nest-making? Fucking, animal awakening? What the hell is all that about? Naturally, Mayor Mare couldn’t find a “fitting” spot for me, so she rejected me to the plant team. I don’t really know why. I mean, I did use to tend to my uncle's pot carrot farm near Appleloosa during the Summer. Maybe that’s why?
Anyway, I had to work with those royal arseholes Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy. I’m pretty sure that hob-knocker Fluttershy has something to hide. No pony can be that nice. Not that I see her around town much, thank the goddesses. She’s always running home to beat-off with her damn “animal friends”.
Pinkie Pie - what a psychopath. I can’t get a word in edgeways with that freak around. She offered to throw me a party last month for my Two-Day-Sober-Iversary. I had no idea what she was yapping about and kicked her pink flank off my doorstep, soon after having a couple of pints for my achievement. She must have found my stash of “carrots”, it’s the only explanation.
Shit.
Do you just like to watch the world burn? I’m sure you do, because not only is your students ruining my life, your frigging slag sibling is as well! Nightmare Night another stupid arse holiday I’m made to enjoy. I was totally gonna have a piss-up at my house, but no! I had to run around in some gimp costume playing fucking party games. Kids were hammering my door down begging for sweets. I can’t take shit like that. So, I thought I’m gonna get my own back!
I went over to their front lawns, lit a match and torched the fuck out of all their “spooky” decorations. HA! That shit went up faster than Baritone’s dick, since I threw a few splashes of vodka on my little barbecue. I was gonna use some tequila, but nah… I drank it.
Well, I thought I was a glorified genius… till the fucking cops showed up. There was only one thing I could do -run my flank outta there! Now, when I say run, I mean going arse over tit every 5 feet. Told you that tequila was good, didn’t I?
Nightmare Night did redeem itself though, hiding from the fuzz was a piece of piss. I nabbed my neighbour Rose’s bed sheet from her washing line and hey presto! I’m a motherfucking spooky ghost. Dumb bastards, they obviously don’t know I’m a master of disguise. I slipped past those losers and was in town square taking advantage of the booze before you could say “cider”.
God, I’ve always got the cops on my tail. I can’t catch a break. Just because I got electronically tagged one time! All because I defiled Mr. Breezey’s property. How was I supposed to know that toilet was actually a 400 bit fan?
So, you’re sister… She needs to pipe the fuck down Princess! Galloping round town like a friggn fog horn - loud mouth bitch! Loud noises ain’t good for hangovers you know? Ponies where shitting in their saddles they were so scared. I obviously wasn’t though! But, that might be because I bought these weird brownies off Lyra. I was so fucking stoned I didn’t know what was going on. I was seeing rainbows, flying ponies and dragons and everything!.. Wait till I give her a piece of my mind.
Hey wait a minute…
Now that I think about it that rainbow might have been that butch lesbo Rainbow Dash. Well, I donno if she is or not, but I got the suspicion after we got hammered and scissored that one time. How ridiculous! Well, I’m pretty sure we did.
Look at me I can’t even remember who I’ve fucked or not… Oh, look I’ve drunk three quarters of my bottle of wine. Maybe that’s why. Damn.
Yeah, that Rainbow Dash was flying around scaring the crap out of ponies. Stupid cow and her thunder clouds. Not that I didn’t have fun, buck knows when I got home. I was tripping so hard I don’t have a clue how I got there.
God…I’ve got I little of topic haven’t I? And I’ve run out of wine writing this pathetic excuse for a letter. Wait, why am I even writing this? I don’t even like you! Oi, you jizz coloured bitch, what do you even do? Sit on your massive hide and write letters! HA! What a nerd. Who even writes letters!?
….Oh, well I’m writing one now… But still! You are the worse definition of a princess I’ve ever seen. You tooth paste haired twat! You sit in your high and mighty castle and judge everypony! See, you’re probably doing it right now…
“Everypony! Look at the drunken fool! What an arse!”
Well, I’m not gonna let you! I’m done writing this crap. So, yeah… I hate you, your students, your sister, Ponyville and your entire shitty kingdom. Thanks, Princess you’ve done a great job shitting all over Equestria! God, I need a bloody drink…
Cunts.
Yours Sincerely
Berry ‘fucking’ Punch