Chapter 1--Twilight Motherfucking Sparkle
The first thing I noticed after I had been blindfolded was a feminine voice. Having nothing better to do, I listened to what she said, not thinking for a second how it so happened that she spoke English.
“Subject appears to be bipedal in nature. It has two legs, two arms, a single head consisting of two forward-facing eyes, a nose, a mouth, two ears. The remainder of the head appears to be covered in hair. It seems to be wearing some sort of clothing over its torso and legs, as well as its feet. After further observation, I can see that it has sharp teeth, and hands which would be good for using weapons. Are you getting all this, Spike?”
After listening to her description, I began to form a picture of the ‘subject’ in my mind, I decided she was talking about me. The hairy head was because for whatever fucked up reason, cryogenic chambers don’t stop hair growth, so I had some pretty long hair and a gnarly beard. After a quick moment to think about that, I decided it was time to try and persuade myself out of this situation. “Hey, so, where am I and what’s going on?” Admittedly not my greatest attempt at conversation but I was blindfolded, give me a break.
“It speaks! Spike take that down!”
“I have a name woman, I’d prefer you use that. And I’m a he, not an it.”
“My apologies sir, what is your name?”
I knew better than to give a mysterious person any personal information. “Síor,” I told her. It wasn’t entirely false. Síor was my middle name. She didn’t specify, after all.
“A pleasure to meet you Mr. Síor. My name is Twilight Sparkle and my assistant is Spike.”
Twilight Sparkle. That name is so stupid I just, I don’t even know. And Spike? That sounds like a dog’s name. What kind of fucked up world is this? “Ok, introductions done, do you mind telling me where I am?”
“Well, I’m more interested in where you are from.”
I told her. Though I gave a kind of smartass answer. “Well, before I got here, I was in the CERN Research lab in Geneva, Switzerland, Europe, Eastern Hemisphere, Planet: Terra or Earth or SOL-3, star: SOL, galaxy: Milky Way, The Universe. Before that I was at NASA in Houston, Texas, United States of America, Western Hemisphere, planet: Terra or Earth or SOL-3, star: SOL, galaxy: Milky Way, The Universe. Before that I was in college at--”
“Ok, I don’t need your life story. Besides, none of those places are of any relevance to me.” Hmm. “You asked where you are, so I shall tell you. You are in the Canterlot Library in Canterlot.”
Canterlot, that sounds awfully similar to Camelot. I swear, if I’m in some sort of alternate dimension where everything is the same except the names, I’m gonna punch something. “I have no idea where that is.”
“I didn’t expect you to. Given your previous location, I couldn’t tell you where you are in relation. What is the last thing you remember?”
“Well, all life was being sucked into a black hole. I went into a cryogenic chamber for God knows how many years. I woke up in the future. I started to explore, then I ended up here and then I was blindfolded, which honestly why did you even do that?”
“Well, I don’t want you to know too much about me. I suppose I have enough intel on you now, though. Spike, send the note to the princess and ask her what we should do about it--him.”
I heard what sounded like a flamethrower and then she was at me again. “So, Mr. Síor, what exactly are you?” Her asking that meant that she was not human. I would have to ask what she was next. “I am a human. Scientific name Homo sapiens.”
“She didn’t ask if you prefered mares or stallions,” a more masculine, albeit childish, voice said. Mares or stallions? I never mentioned horses.
“Spike, Homo sapiens means ‘the same as sapient.’”
“Well, why is he speaking different languages?”
“It’s scientific terms, they all sound like a different language.”
“Hey, so what are you?”
“I’m a pony.”
“And him? Don’t tell me he’s a talking dog,” I said, referring to Spike.”
“Of course not. Spike’s a baby dragon.” A dragon? Just my luck. I always said I wanted to see a dragon, and now it’s studying me.
“Besides,” Spike said, “the only dogs that can speak in Equestria are the diamond dogs, and they live in the caves outside of Ponyville.” Ponyville, seriously?
“Whatever, can you take this fucking blindfold off now, it’s starting to hurt my eyes, especially with it pushing against my glasses.” And now I’m starting to think contacts wouldn’t have been such a bad idea.
“I suppose you can be trusted enough to let you see.” The blindfold removed itself and I got my first good look at the place.
It was a huge library, filled with books and scroll of all sizes. And in the center of it all was a giant-ass hourglass that looked like it had been going for a thousand years and only had a few years left. I then noticed my captors. Twilight was a purple horse--no looking at her size, she was definitely a pony with a dark purple mane with brighter purple highlights and purple eyes. And then I noticed her horn. She was a fucking unicorn. Spike was a chubby-looking two-legged reptile. He was indeed a baby dragon. He was mainly purple with a green belly and green spines and green eyes. As soon as I was done with my observations, Spike belched and spouted fire and a scroll.
He unrolled the scroll and read it aloud: “My dearest, most faithful student Twilight, You know that I admire your diligence and that I trust you completely. But you simply must stop performing potentially unsafe spells without proper precautions in place. I trust your judgement in this situation and I will allow you to do as you deem necessary with this experiment. Your teacher, Princess Celestia.” His recitation complete, he rolled up the scroll.
“Excellent,” Twilight said. “I will release you from your bonds and you are to stay here while I do my other work. Feel free to read any of the books in the library while I’m gone.” And with that, she released me. I then started searching the shelves for anything interesting.
“I should probably mention all the things I have in my pockets so you aren’t surprised by them. In my right pants pocket, I have my cell phone, which is of little use now, my pocket knife, a few mechanical pencils and a notepad. In my left pants pocket, I have my wallet, a lighter, some papers that I put notes on, and my coin pouch. In my left jacket pocket, I have a charger for my phone and an extension cord because the charger cord is short as fuck. And finally, I have a pair of gloves in each of my jacket pockets and a hidden dagger in my right boot.”
“I don’t know what half those things are. For now, just put it all on the table over there and I will examine them later.”
I did so and proceeded to look at the books while she went and did fuck all.