I Dream of Jeanie, My Beard Dreams of Cake
"So you really don't know how to bake a cake? What do you do, just go buy them from the bakery?" a high-pitched female voice said.
"No, man. I don't eat cake. I prefer pie, woo ha!" said a voice that belonged to Harvey Grimwold. Did he have some new girlfriend over?
"What? How is that even possible? Everypony, and I mean everypony, eats cake. It's one of the major food groups!" the female voice gasped.
Did she just say pony? Jerry Burnside thought as he began to open his eyes.
"Oh look, he's waking up!" the female said with a fit of giggles.
"Stop wiggling, man. We might need to knock him out again," Harvey said, then noticed Jerry's eyes were open. "Oh, hey man. We were just talking about you."
Jerry's eyes fell upon Pinkie.
"Hi there, I'm Pinkie Pie! Now, if you could please stop passing out, we might just become the best of friends! Wouldn't that just be the greatest?" the beard-thing said to Jerry as it seemed to dance some kind of jig in mid-air.
Jerry suddenly remembered something very important about the series of events that had occurred before he passed out. Something about either being silent about the beard-thing, or dying at the hands of his friend. There was also a Meat Giant involved if he cooperated. His face contorted into a smile, and he extended his hand towards Pinkie.
"It's such an honor to meet you, Pinkie Pie," Jerry said loudly as Pinkie extended a hoof. "My name is Jerry Burnside, and I think we are going to be the best friends ever." His smile seemed far too wide, and sweat dripped off his forehead and ran down the end of his nose. His eyes moved up to meet Harvey's.
Harvey's eyes never blinked.
Jerry swallowed hard. "So, you're a, uh, pony? That's just great. Best thing ever, man. Talking pony beard. Yeah, that has to be about the greatest thing to ever happen." His right eye twitched slightly.
"Isn't it, though? Say, you're a lot nicer than Mr. Meanie Grumpypants here. Why couldn't I have been magically grafted to your face? Then we could party and eat cake all day long!" the beard-thing said while somehow managing to throw confetti into the air. Harvey sneezed.
"Yeah, cake. Definitely cake," Jerry muttered. "So, uh, Harvey. When did your beard turn into a pink pony that parties?"
"This morning. I was about to brush my teeth and I saw it in the mirror," Harvey grumbled.
"Her," Pinkie corrected. "Not it."
"Whatever."
"Uh, so do you have a plan to get rid of it?" Jerry asked.
"Her!" Pinkie growled. She gave him her best frowny face.
"I don't know, man. I haven't thought of anything good," Harvey responded.
"You could always shave me off," the beard-thing sang sweetly.
Jerry let out a loud guffaw. "Pinkie, we're Hell's Angels," he chuckled. "That just isn't gonna happen."
Pinkie let out a long sigh. "This is getting boring! I haven't had sugar or a party in almost an entire day!" She climbed up onto Harvey's face. "I want a cake. No, I need a cake. You will bring me a cake, or else!" Pinkie threatened, glaring up at the biker.
"Harvey, man, if you untie my legs I can go get a cake," Jerry said helpfully.
Harvey eyed a dirty pair of underwear that had been tossed into a corner of the bedroom and thought carefully. He began to stroke his beard.
"Hey, you cut that out right this instant!" Pinkie gasped in outrage.
"Sorry, man," Harvey mumbled idly. He continued to stare at the underwear, lost in thought.
"Harvey?" Jerry asked.
"We'll both go out," Harvey said finally. "We'll get the pony her cake, and we'll go get my Jeanie back."
"Uh, Harvey," Jerry began, "do you really need my help to pick Jeanie up from the garage?"
"No, man. But she's not at the garage, Tony's got her. We're gonna get her back."
"Tony? Tony Loreno?" Jerry asked in astonishment. "How did that bag of scum get his paws on Jeanie?"
Harvey sighed. "Well, it all began when I was at the Barking Spider. Alone," he admitted.
Jerry's eyes grew wide with horror. He listened with keen interest as Harvey told the entire truth of how he had ended up in his current situation.
Tony Loreno continued to thrust his crotch at the custom 1951 Harley-Davidson Panhead. He alternated between having his left hand on his lower back and his right hand pumping up and down in the air, and vice-versa. He looked at his fellow Vagos gang members and laughed hysterically.
"I think she likes it, boys. What do you think?" he asked the gathered crowd.
He was answered by a chorus of cheers and laughter. Some of the gathered Vagos clapped or stomped their feet, while others knocked beer cans together in celebration. The party in the warehouse had been going on for hours, and many of the gathered were thoroughly inebriated.
Tony got on his knees and crawled in what he hoped was a good imitation of a cat towards the bike. He took two fingers and gently caressed the underside of the exhaust. Shouts of encouragement rang out from the crowd. He made a show of licking his fingers.
"Meow!" he cried to a renewed outburst of cheers. "Donny has been avenged, boys. We got Harvey Grimwold's little lady and we're going to treat her real nice!" He almost began giggling as he finished the sentence.
Leo Oddum chose that moment to emerge from the crowd, his hands moving to unzip his tight jeans. "I'm gonna piss on her!" he yelled as his three hundred seventy four pound form rushed towards the bike.
Tony jumped to his feet and moved quickly to intercept the drunken giant. He removed a switch-blade from his pocket, flicked the release, and held it up to the soft folds of Leo's many chins. Leo's hands stopped with his fly zipped halfway down.
"You won't touch her," he whispered dangerously. "She is mine to defile, and mine alone. Now turn your enormous ass around before I make it so you pee sitting down."
Leo stood swaying for a moment, trying to process what had just happened.
Tony rolled his eyes. "Ricky, Gabriel. Get him out of here before he wets the floor."
Two men quickly emerged from the crowd, grabbed Leo's beefy arms, and led him towards the bathroom. The others in the room were completely silent.
Tony looked at his mates. "Did I say the party was over yet?" he called out. He placed both hands behind his head and began thrusting his crotch towards the custom 1951 Harley-Davidson Panhead once again. "Yeah, baby! Tell me you like it spicy. Tell me you like the habanero!"
Harvey and Jerry stepped outside of 34 Harding Drive and walked down the porch steps into the warm evening air. Harvey had left his helmet at home and chose instead to wear a bandanna around his face. It helped Pinkie to breath easier, and wasn't as hot as wearing the helmet all the time. They walked silently for some time before Jerry spoke.
"So you like cake, Pinkie? What else do ponies from, uh, Ponyville eat?"
"Shut up, man. You can't talk to her out here!" Harvey whispered harshly.
"Come on, there's nobody out here. I just want to know. She's kind of cute, you know."
Harvey's eyes grew dangerously wide as he grabbed Jerry by his collar. "Don't you ever call my beard cute again. You hear me, brother?"
"No. I mean, yes I hear you. I'm not calling you or your beard cute. No disrespect, man. I'm just calling the pony cute," Jerry stammered.
"The pony is my beard, you idiot!" Harvey snarled.
"Sorry, man," Jerry mumbled.
"Stop bickering like two old mares and let's get moving! There is cake to be had," Pinkie called from under the bandanna.
"Damn it, Pinkie! I told you not to talk, man. What do you think people are going to do if they hear my beard talking?" Harvey asked.
"Well you know, a beard can't talk if its mouth is full of cake. I mean, duh!" Pinkie replied.
"She's got a point there, man," Jerry began.
"Shut up, Jerry," Harvey scolded.
"I like you, Jerry. You know how to treat a pony right," Pinkie remarked.
"Cake and pizza? Yeah I could handle that."
"Shut up, Jerry! You too, Pinkie."
They were coming upon an old woman pushing a walker down the sidewalk. A grocery bag dangled from one hand as she slowly crept towards them. They were about to move around her when she held out a hand to stop them.
"Excuse me, gentlemen. Can you tell me how to get to Stop and Shop from here? I need to get something before they close, but I haven't the slightest idea where to go from here," the elderly woman asked with a smile.
"No. Ouch!" Harvey yelped as his beard tugged sharply. "Uh, it's up the road a bit. Then you turn right and keep going until you see the gas station. Cross the road and head left and it's right there. Can't miss it."
"Oh, thank you. You two nice gentleman have a lovely evening," the lady said warmly and began to shuffle down the street.
"You're welcome!" Pinkie called from beneath the bandanna.
Harvey grabbed Jerry by the collar and quickly jogged up the road, away from the old woman. When they stopped, they turned around and saw the lady staring after them. After a few moments she turned around and slowly shuffled away, shaking her head as she went.
"Sorry!" Pinkie whispered.
Harvey and Jerry looked at one another for a few moments, then continued on towards the bakery. Harvey wondered just how sorry he was going to be for choosing to go outside. He would find out soon enough.