//------------------------------// // Tartarus' Kitchen // Story: Enter Nurse Luna! // by Foxy Kimchi //------------------------------// There is a quote that has long been written of the two rulers of Equestria. All that the light of day’s sun touches is the domain of Princess Celestia. All that the light of the night moon touches is the domain of Princess Luna. While it is a nice and pretty quote that the majority of Equestrians believe, those who work in the palace know that is only 99.9% true. For in the palace they know that if one looked really hard in the fine print, they would see that there is indeed one exception to that quote. There is one place on Earth that is under the control of neither Princess Celestia nor Luna. No matter how much sunlight or moonlight hits it, it will never be in their control, despite the fact that this very place is within the palace walls. No, that one small area is under the control of another being. A dictator so brutal and heavy hoofed that it makes Discord, Nightmare Moon, Queen Chrysalis, and King Sombra combined look tame. Many words have been used to describe this tyrant. Profane, demeaning, insulting, angry, critical, arrogant, narcissistic, and wooly. The palace kitchen was its own country, ruled by the terrible head chef, Ram Sea. CRASH! “Ye’ call this food?!” Chef Ram Sea shouted in a crying mare’s face as he threw a plate of food on the ground. “Ah wouldnae e’en wipe mah own arse wi’ ‘at! Now try again!” “An’ Ye!” Ram Sea shouted as he turned around a pointed a hoof at a colt. “Ye are gonnae burn th’ dish! Fix it now befaire Ah slice aff yer flank an’ put it on tonight’s menu!” Chef Ram Sea continued to shout at the numerous chefs in the kitchen, leaving a trail of salty tears and shattered dreams. “Psst, Copper,” Silver Whisk, a light grey unicorn, whispered. “Seems like ole’ Ram Sea is going on another one of his temper tantrums.” “Yep,” Copper Kettle, a burnt orange unicorn, replied back as he mixed a bowl. “Judging by the looks of it, it is going to be a good one.” “Got that right,” Silver Whisk said as he nudged Copper, “oh look he already made Cherry Delight to cry.” “Poor gal. Looks like Iron Pot is already starting to break down.” Copper replied as he looked over his shoulder. “Aye, it is Ram Sea after all.” Silver Whisk carefully looked around, before beckoning his friend closer. “I was chatting with the guards yesterday afternoon, and did you know what they heard? They said that Telly the Royal Barber once sheared his wool too much, and you’ll never guess what ol’ Ram Sea has under that sweater of his!” “Noooo,” Copper whispered in delight, a grin breaking across his face. “Don’t tell me he has—“ “A cutie mark! Two of them in fact! One for cooking and making others cry.” Silver said with a laugh. “Yep. Makes me wonder, how many ponies are going to cry today because of Ram Sea?” Copper asked. “Hmmm, maybe nine? Silver said as he shrugged. “You should add two to that list.” “Why is th—” Silver said as he stopped mid-sentence and looked behind him. There, stood the angriest sheep ever walk to the plains of Equestria. Copper and Silver booth stood there, bracing themselves for one of Chef Ram Sea famous triade. “Why Ah ought tae—” “Are you three busy with something?” a voice called out. Ram Sea, Copper, and Silver all turned their heads to face the voice. “Princess Luna!” they all cried out. “I do hope I am not interrupting something important,” Luna said with a regal air and a slight smile. Instantly both Copper and Silver bowed low, their heads almost touching the ground. Ram Sea however strolled up to her, standing on his hindlegs and looking straight into her eyes. “Yeah, what do ye’ want? Lunch is not for anither hour.” “Ah, greetings head chef,” Luna said with a smile. “I don’t know if you have heard or not, but my sister is ill with the flu. So I was wondering if you could make her a special lunch so that I may bring it to her.” “Oh,” Ram Sea responded as his ears perked. “A special lunch ye say?” “Indeed,” Luna said with a smile. “My sister is ill so I need a meal to make her feel better.” Both Copper Kettle and Silver Whisk kept their heads low to the ground. “Oh great,” Silver whispered to Copper as he opened an eye. “Ol’ Ram Sea has that look in his eye. He gets to make a special meal and show off his cooking.” “Yep,” Copper replied as he rolled his eyes. “Hey Copper,” Silver whispered. “What?” “Is it me, or is Princess Luna wearing a nurse outfit?” Cooper eyes widened as he cautiously snuck a peek up at Luna. “Holy—she is!” “Wow...she looks really hot in that.” Silver said, a dreamy look in his eyes. “Dude, that’s the Princess!” Copper said with a blush. “Do you think we can get both Princesses to wear something like that?” “Shut up and be respectful!” Copper replied as his blush increased. “Nah, you just want to stop talking because you’re visualizing it right now…” “Shut your mouth!” Copper hissed. “Think cold showers, think cold showers.” “Don’t forget Princess Cadance…” “Thats it!” Copper said as he tackled Silver. Chef Ram Sea and Princess Luna stopped talking as the looked down at the two wrestling ponies. “Um—what are they doing?” Luna asked with a raised eyebrow. “They’re about to git served a dish of bludy raw flank wi’ a side helpin’ of mah hoof down their gullets,” Ram Sea hissed through his teeth as he stood above the two ponies. “Hey idiots, get up now!” Copper Kettle and Silver Whisk instantly stood at attention, their chest puffed out. “Ah should skin ye two alive right now, but ‘en ‘at would ruin mah guid knives on yer worthless hides!” the sheep muttered darkly before turning back to Luna. “Now Princess,” Ram Sea grunted, “What do ye need?” Luna’s horn glowed as she brought a parchment to Ram Sea’s hooves. “Everything should be on this list.” “Hmmm,” Ram Sea replied as he rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Och, Ah can do this.” “Excellent, then I will pick it up when ready.” Luna replied with a smile. “Just a wee question though,” Ram Sea said as he raised an eyebrow. “Yes?” “Ah am wonderin’ why thaur is ‘Low Fat’ an’ ‘Low Calorie’ next tae each item in bold letters.” Ram Sea asked. “Well, I am simply looking after my sister’s health.” Luna replied with a smile. “And there is no pick upper for a flu quite like fresh soup!” Ram Sea rolled his eyes “Bah, ye donnae need soup for a flu. What ye’ sister needs is a bowl ay warm mash an’ a tall hot toddy with extra hoofin’ ay whiskey. Serve to her at night, and have her hoot like a bairn owl twice. She’ll be right as rain by mornin’.” Luna’s smile weakened ever so slightly. “I’m not quite sure that-“ “Do ye dare doubt th’ effectiveness of th’ Clan Sea family traditions?” Ram Sea asked, a twinge of hurt in his voice. “Here, let me demonstrate! Copper!” The unicorn sprung to his hooves with a salute. “Go an’ catch a flu, be quick about it! Silver, you go an’ play in traffic an’ Ah’ll-“ “There will be no need for that,” Luna said hurriedly, to the immense relief the younger cooks. “I am certain that the head chef of Canterlot Palace is able to prepare a dish to those specifications.” “Of course Ah can!” Ram Sea snorted in response. “But Ah’d rather not follow these instructions.” “What?” Luna said, aghast, “Why not?” “Because Ah only make dishes ‘at are perfect.” Ram Sea replied flatly, attempting to snootily look down his nose at Luna. Unfortunately she was much too tall for that to work. “What? Surely a chef of your skill can make these modern low-fat alternative foodstuffs taste good!” Luna cried out. “Well of course Ah can, but th’ fact of the’ matter is if Ah did use, ugh, alternatives in mah cuisine, it wouldnae taste as well as it should. Ah will not make a dish unless it is 100% perfect!” Ram Sea retorted as he stomped a hoof. “B-but,” Luna cried out, her eyes wide. “Think of my sister’s health!” “Ah am sure Celestia will be just fine using normal ingredients.” Ram Sea replied nonchalantly as he waived his hoof. “Ah’ll see if Ah can’t e’en sneak th’ toddy in thaur.” “B-but—!” “No more buts! Ye ignore mah advice and ask meh tae make a special dish, then ye have tae follow mah demands.” Ram Sea replied as he lifted his chin, eyes closed. “Tis not fair!” Luna whined as she stomped her hoof. “And why is it not fair, oh Princess oy mine?” “Because!” Luna replied, her eye twitching. “Because…?” Ram Sea replied as he raised an eyebrow. “Because tis not fair!” Luna shouted in frustration, stomping her hoof and flaring her wings out. "Tis not fair that thy own sister gets all the attention! Over the past millennium my sister’s flank has only gotten bigger and somehow she hast received even more admiration than before! Always it is ‘By Celestia’s holy flank!’ or ‘Sweet Celestia’s butt!’. Everypony ogle’s mine sister’s rump! Why does nopony praise our flank? Is our flank not good enough?” Luna paused to peer over at the painting of the night sky on her rump. “Tis just not fair! I too desire to be fawned at once in a while! Do I not deserve some attention and praise for my looks too? Am I not attractive as well? Yes, I made a few mistakes in the past, but I have paid my dues! The moon flank is just as good... or even better than my sister’s!” She glared at Ram, “I do not need my sister’s butt to be any larger! For fear that she will just hog even more of the stallions’ attention! There! That is why it is not fair!” It was suddenly clear to everyone in the room at the moment that the fires of rage were burning in the lunar princess’ eyes as she bared her teeth in a frightening snarl. “You WILL prepare this dish to my specifications!” Copper Kettle and Silver Whisk stood there, mouths agape and twisted into fearful frowns, and a strange blush on their faces, along with every other pony in the kitchen. “Well…” Silver Whisk whispered to Copper. “I know what I’m dreaming about tonight…” “You do know that she goes into our dreams, right?” “…that’ll make it even better.” The tyrannical chef merely stared bemused at Luna for a few moments with one eyebrow only slightly raised. “Ah see.” A rare smirk appeared on the demon-sheep’s muzzle. Nopony was quite sure what was going on in that bizarre horned head of his. “Ah suppose we wouldnae want th’ sun butt tae become any larger than it is already.” A grateful smile spread across the Luna’s face. “Then it is settled,” she replied with a huge sigh of relief. “And Princess,” Ram Sea whispered he brought his head closer to Luna’s. “If ye want stallion’s attention, all ye have tae do is flaunt it e’ery now an’ ‘en.” “Really?” Luna said with surprise. “Of course,” he affirmed, the odd smirk remaining plastered to his face. “Just take a look at this sad lot here. Ah know these losers, ‘ey are slightly better than th’ majority of th’ population, that is why ‘ey are permitted within mah kitchen. If ye can make ‘em gawk like that, then ye’ can make every other pony as randy as hares.” Ram Sea said as he pointed towards his staff. “Really?” Luna said with excitement. “Of course. All ye’ gotta do is shake yer hips every now and ‘en in front of some ponies, and they’ll be falling straight into your hooves.” “Tis wonderful news!” Luna replied with a slight jump. “But wait, then how are you not affected if everyone around here seems in a daze.” “Simple,” Ram Sea replied. “Ah’m a ram, ye're not wooly enough for mah sophisticated tastes.” “Oh, well that makes sense. Yes of course.” Luna said as she rubbed her chin. “Well then I guess I shall be off. I must attend to a few things for my sister.” “Ah’ll take care of it,” Ram Sea said as he watched Luna leave. Suddenly he turned around, ramming his head in front of Copper and Silver. “What do you think you are doing? We have soup tae make for her highness! Get meh onion and celery, on th’ double!” “Yes Head Chef!” they cried, before running for the pantry. A heap of celery was dropped on the table in front of the sheep, and the two flung themselves into peeling onions as fast as their magic would permit. Ram Sea plucked a knife from a nearby rack and swiftly began dicing the vegetables in silence. Copper Kettle and Silver Whisk dared not breathe a word to each other, lest they provoke the sheep further. Occasionally, Ram Sea would pause in his work to mutter something in Coltish before throwing a sidelong glance their way. “Three,” the chef said suddenly. Silver Whish and Copper Kettle looked up from their mounds of onions. “What?” Copper asked. Ram Sea glanced back at them, a smug grin buried beneath his wool. “Ah’ll have ye know that ye were nearly spot on wi’ mah special talents, but Ah have actually have three cutie marks.” Both of their jaws fells open in disbelief. “What?! No way-” Copper began, before recovering his sense. “You’re messing with us right now, aren’t you?” “Ah swair on mah lamb’s wooly ears, Ah’m tellin’ ye’ th’ truth.” “Then what’s the third one for?” The chef brought his carving knife with a solid ‘thunk’ down onto the cutting board. “Och, just a wee bit o’ necromancy.”