Yet Another Human in Equestria Story
By: Bardic Knowledge
Chapter 16: September 7/8, Swarm of the Century
“...And then, of course, there's the testing phase,” explained Twilight. It was early afternoon, and we were inspecting preparations for Princess Celestia's upcoming visit to Ponyville. And at the same time I was taking advantage of our travelling through town to discuss the Anthropomorphizing Spell that had just been sent off to Canterlot's top researchers. (Somehow, “anthropomorphizing” is easier for me to say that “humanization.” No idea why.)
“So how long do you expect the spell to take?”
“At the inside, probably a year.” I looked incredulously at her. “Spell creation is difficult, why do you think Starswirl the Bearded is famous for making spells?”
“Point.” It was at that point that we came across the incomplete banner. You know, “Welcome Princess Celest?”
“What happened to the rest of her name?” asked Twilight.
Carrot Top glanced over, “We couldn't fit it all in.”
“It actually reminds me of a sign my gramma has back home. It says 'Plan Ahead,' but the letters in 'ahead' get smaller near the end because there wasn't enough room for them at the starting size.” I glanced pointedly at them. “Next time, plan ahead.”
“Yes, sir...” she said morosely.
“And don't call me sir.” I smiled, trying to be disarming about it. ...I don't think it worked.
“R-right.” Carrot Top and Berry Punch started taking the sign down, prompting Twilight and I to continue on our way.
“So, at the earliest, the spell would be finished by next year, so what about at the latest?”
“Probably three years.”
“Sweet heart of darkness. By that time, it might be easier to just give in to xenophilia.”
“I still don't understand what you have against other species.”
“I don't have anything against other species, I just don't find them physically attractive. I should restate that. I find the human form physically attractive over all else. So the more human-like another species appears the more likely I'll be attracted to them.”
“I thought you didn't really pay attention to appearances.”
“Mostly. I do prefer to look to hearts and minds over appearance, but it's still a factor. But that's why I want to have this spell made for Trixie. So I can give her a chance.” Distracted by our conversation, it wasn't long before we arrived at Sugarcube Corner.
“How's the banquet coming, Mr. and Mrs. Cake?” asked Twilight, peeking through the half-open door.
Mrs. Cake looked up from the dough she was rolling, “Well, it would be coming along better if...” She glanced pointedly over to the table, where there were several treats, most with bites taken out of them. As if on cue, Pinkie popped up from behind the table and devoured an entire cake, leaving the crown topping on her head and a beard made of frosting.
Something about today seems... familiar... I thought. It had been nagging at me for a while.
“Pinkie! What are you doing?! Those sweets are supposed to be for the princess!” scolded Twilight.
“I know,” laughed Pinkie. “That's why I'm tasting them. Somepony needs to make sure that everything is tasty enough to touch the royal tongue, and I, Pinkie Pie, declare that these treats are fit for a king, or a queen, or a princess!“
At that moment Fluttershy burst in through the front door. “Twilight, Pinkie, Joe, you won't believe...” She started. “Oh. I'm sorry, am I interrupting?”
“No, not at all! Come on in and make yourself at home!” When Twilight turned her back, Pinkie slurped up a whole cake in one bite. “What's going on, Fluttershy?”
“You won't believe what I found at the edge of the Everfree Forest!”
“Another human?” I quipped.
“No...” Fluttershy almost seemed reluctant to answer that one. She turned to her mane. “Come on out little guy. It's okay.” And that's when the familiarity clicked.
Parasprites.
“Crud.” I said, at the same time Fluttershy gasped in surprise at three of them emerging from her mane.
“They're amazing,” breathed Twilight. “What are they?”
“I'm not sure. I'm also not sure where these other two came from...”
“I'll take one off your hooves. I've never seen anything so... adorable. Besides, it'll be nice to have a companion for Spike so he won't bother me so much while I'm studying.“
“Joe? Pinkie? Would either of you like the other one?”
“Ugh,” Pinkie gagged. “A Parasprite? Are you kidding?”
“Yeah, I'm not interested in the flying tribbles either. C'mon, Pinks. Let's get ready.”
“Right. First item on the list: a trombone!”
“Ah- what?” sputtered Twilight.
“A trombone. Though it doesn't factor into the Parasprite Parade.”
“Parasprite Parade?”
“You'll see,” I said, following Pinkie out the door. “So, Pinks. Do you have a shopping list of instruments or...?”
“Oh, I've got a few favours to call in and I still have to find a couple others. I thought you weren't going to interfere?”
“I'm working on The Fellowship of the Ring right now, and if I let things alone I might lose all my progress to the flying tribbles.” At least I had already sent off the human anatomy notes. If I'd lost that scroll I'd probably start murdering every Parasprite I saw.
Pinkie looked thoughtful, but shook her head. “I'll move faster on my own, just start Para-proofing your place.”
“Right. I'll inform Trixie, too.”
“Isn't she at work by now?” I glanced at my watch. How did it get so late?
“Well, I suppose I'd have to stop by her place of work at some point. Talk to you tomorrow, Pinks.”
“Right!” She zipped off, not using her normal pronking gait. I watched for a moment as the pink blur left Ponyville and made its way towards Canterlot. Curious.
It didn't take long to find Berry's Bar, with the fluorescent lights on the front proclaiming it as such. The scent of alcohol was faint, but noticeable, the instant I opened the door, crouching down slightly to pass through the pony-sized door.
There was a low murmur from the few ponies that were in the bar, which was not darkly-lit, nor did it have a low-hanging cloud of smoke (which would have been really bad for me, considering my comparative height.
Trixie was, rather stereotypically in my mind, standing behind the bar cleaning a glass. I crouched my way over to her.
“Joe! I wasn't expecting you here, ever,” she said, setting the glass down somewhere under the counter. “Why are you here?”
“There's a situation brewing, so I figured I should warn you about it. You ever hear of Parasprites?”
Trixie's eyes narrowed. “Yes. They're in Ponyville?”
“Fluttershy found one near the Everfree and she met up with me and Twilight at Sugarcube Corner, where she suddenly had three. Twilight's taken one, and Pinkie's off to gather a one-mare-band to lead them out of Ponyville.”
“Pinkie knows what they are?” I nodded, and she continued. “I'll have to see if I can help her.”
“I don't know about that. She seems to be pulling out all the stops, what with distance she was eating up towards Canterlot. She suggested that we 'Para-proof the house' and prepare.”
“Which means I have to train you to hit a small, moving target by tomorrow. Excuse me a moment.” Trixie walked out from behind the bar and went into a door just off the kitchen. I squatted down to avoid getting a back-ache. After a few moments, Trixie came back out, accompanied by Berry Punch. Berry took up the bartending position and Trixie and I headed out the door.
“So what did you tell her?”
“The truth, of course. She knows about Parasprites now, and how to keep them out of the bar while they're running rampant.” We made our way just outside of town to our house, where Trixie levitated our weapons out of the pantry. For the rest of the night, she drilled me in attacking an illusory Parasprite and gave combat advice. After a while, I asked her where she'd encountered Parasprites before.
Apparently, Hoofigton was hit by them while she was a filly, and they were fought off by the acting troupe. They weren't very tough, but hard to hit. She encountered a couple more swarms of them while on the road and had adapted her illusions to distract them while fighting them off. Which means that we'd be in charge of literally cutting down their numbers until Pinkie could get her band together and play the swarm off.
---
I woke up to the sound of several somethings hitting the roof of the house. I stumbled to my feet and opened the blinds. The backyard was full of Parasprites. And... was that a cymbal? I quickly got dressed, knowing that Twilight's next strategy was to cast a spell that would stop the flying tribbles from eating food.
And instead they would eat everything else. I ran for the pantry, strapped on my sword and shield and dashed out the kitchen door. Trixie was already outside (likely because she didn't have to get dressed), an illusion of food in front of her as she cut up each Parasprite that attempted to eat it.
“I've got things here!” she said. “Get to town and help out there!”
“Right!” I booked it to town, pausing to catch my breath as I reached Market Street.
“I'll cast a spell to make them stop eating all the food!” I head Twilight say, somewhere out of sight.
“No..” I wheezed attempting to shout. “Twilight... Don't...!” But I couldn't speak loud enough while panting, and the next thing I knew, a wave of magenta magical energy passed over the town. I sucked in a couple more huge breaths, then walked forward until I saw Twilight, just as I heard Rainbow reply.
“Good job, they're not eating the food anymore.”
“If those flying tribbles eat my house, Twilight! So help me, your coat will be black and blue!” I said.
“Oh no... if they get inside my store... Everypony for herself!” cried Rarity.
“Um, um, there might be a counterspell in the library! Let's go see!” Twilight galloped away, forcing me to give chase. I caught up as she entered the library, sweat starting to bead down my forehead, and entered after her.
“Help!” shouted Spike, shoved under a basket by on of the Parasprites.
“They're eating the words!” cried Twilight. One of the library-dwelling Parasprites was doing just that to a book sitting on a lectern. I lunged forward in furious vengeance, spearing the thing with my sword. It squeaked once and its wings stopped.
The rest of the Parasprites in the room stopped eating at that moment, and looked at me. I held up my sword and shield and looked back. After a few seconds I growled and they fled. Twilight looked to the book that had been getting eaten.
“Only a few pages missing. But how am I going to explain this to the Mark Twain society?!”
“Just tell them th- Did you say Mark Twain?”
“Yes, why?”
“Mark Twain was a famous author in my world. Though, that name for him was a pseudonym, his real name was Samuel Clemens.”
“Is now the time?!” Spike yelled, peeking out of the basket. I glanced back over to him, and saw that a smaller swarm of Parasprites were starting to swarm the basket.. I sliced a Parasrpite in two and knocked one out with my shield, which Twilight promptly took in her teeth and she teleported away.
Come on, Pinks, I thought. Hurry up with that parade. I stood in the library, killing any Parasprite that came near a book, Spike starting to follow my lead and breathe fire on them.
Unfortunately, one Parasprite seemed to realize that my sword wasn't what one would call “food” and opened its mouth in time to bite off the end, more of them swarming in to do the same. Disarmed, I waded out of the ankle-high pile of dead Parasprites, the living ones now dive-bombing me and taking bites out of my clothes.
Which prompted a small litany of pseudo-curses.
By the time I made it to the town square, I was down to a sleeveless coat and shirt and shorts, and Twilight was in the middle of panicking about Princess Celestia's imminent arrival. And then, I heard music.
“Thank Darkness,” I breathed, dropping the leather strap and hilt that were all that remained of my weapons. Seeing the swarm follow Pinkie out of town, I trudged back home to find a mound of dead Parasprites surrounding Trixie, who was looking in disbelief at the Parasprites dancing away from holes chewed out of the front porch.
I hate Parasprites.