Letters From a Little Princess Monster
Gifts and Presence - Part Two
there were a lot of scary ponies by the library today so we did not get to visit trixie, but we did get to hear her yelling at them and it sounded like she was having fun…
“That’ll teach ‘em,” muttered Trixie, pulling the cannon back inside the library window and beginning the reloading process. “Call me a pompous twit in your next review and see what you get.”
There was a distinctive noise of Official Disapproval from Sincerity, the Assistant Secretary for Cabinet Office of Public Affairs, who stood at a fairly safe distance behind Her Royal Highness’ Private Student, although the disapproval was muted by a certain amount of chuckling from Linchpin, the Adjunct to the Permanent Under-secretary of State for the Home Office standing to her side. Officially, the reason Assistant Secretary Sincerity and Adjunct Secretary Linchpin were present at the library was simply to assist Trixie in her integration with the local populace as well as several other rather important sounding buzzwords, but the far more important reason was to prevent her from embarrassing herself in public. It was, after all, a task they had become quite accustomed to accomplishing with an imperfect success record to this point, although at times it seemed as if Trixie was competing against them.
Shooting reporters out of the air with a pie cannon was not on the twelve page ‘Forbidden Activity’ list Linchpin had been given before their departure from Canterlot, and he had even checked twice, certain that the exclusion would be corrected for any future visits to the delightful small town. He had been uncharacteristically quiet since the duo had arrived at the library just moments in front of the flood of reporters seeking a hoof-up on their peers, although that was probably due to a certain amount of distraction provided by Rarity instead of the disapproval of Sincerity, his co-worker in the bureaucracy.
“Miss Trixie, if we could please put your artillery on hold for a few minutes and go over the talking points again, I think we may be able to begin our press conference only—” Sincerity made a show of checking her watch, an intricate golden device of many knobs and dials that could easily have adorned a wealthy sophisticate or banker “—two hours late.”
“They’re not ripe yet,” said Trixie, carefully adding a pie to the cannon and licking the meringue off one hoof. “The evening train to Canterlot is still over an hour from arriving.”
“Whatever do you mean?” asked Linchpin, surreptitiously dipping the tip of one wing in nearby ammunition with the intent of a quick taste later. Lunch had been a disaster in the incoming train with all the reporters in the press junket snagging the good pickles out of the lunch car before the two civil servants could finish their organization. Two pieces of wilted watercress and a cracker just were not enough to fuel his engine for a proper press conference, and the subsonic rumbling was starting to become more irritating than Trixie.
“I mean… how long do you want me answering questions out there?” Trixie jumped into motion, poking the barrel of the cannon out the window and yanking the lanyard in a noisy explosion that sent a noted gossip columnist on a graceful pie-covered trajectory in the direction of the town fountain.
“Ah.” Sincerity gave a little nod that sent her perfectly coifed red and orange curls bouncing in a way that could distract any red-blooded male reporter, and several female ones too, from a line of awkward questions. The same inspiration seemed to fly straight over Linchpin’s head and he cleared his throat with an inquisitive expression in hopes that the inspiration might fly back.
“What she means, darling,” said Rarity with a flutter of her eyelashes at the handsome pegasus, “is that once the press conference starts, that horde of ruffians outside will bombard Trixie with questions until the train arrives, at which point they will depart en masse for Canterlot to get their stories filed before their colleagues. Oh! Trixie, could you bring Pinkie’s cannon over here please? There’s a fashion reviewer outside the window who always seems to insist on using the word ‘plebeian’ in their paper when describing — Oh, never mind. He’s moving away.”
There was an explosive ‘Splat’ and another pegasus soared through the air into the distance, making Rarity clap her hooves in applause. “Good shot!”
“You just have to lead them a little when they’re moving that fast.” Trixie paused in her reloading to check her reflection in a nearby mirror and adjust her new purple cloak and hat. “Thank you again, Rarity.”
“Au contraire, thank you, Trixie.”
“No, I mean for…” One hoof trailed hesitantly through a curl of snowy mane, wrapping it gently until released in a bouncing display of properly applied manespray. “Thank you for everything.”
“Think nothing of it, darling. I had the fabric just lying around, and dying those mane extensions was no trouble at all. After all, you do represent Ponyville, and having your press conference in your previous state of dishevelment would have been a horrible… well, I just had to make you look proper. As much as possible.”
The youngest of the two civil servants, the young unicorn mare standing uncomfortably on the top of the stairs, regarded Trixie and her artillery loading with the faintest tension in her lips, causing a faint wrinkle to form at the top of her brow. Naturally it only lasted a moment before Sincerity regained her tranquil pose of perfect composure, the concept of a wrinkle in her silky golden coat being almost unthinkable to the universe in general, and any pony who had spent time with the perfectly coifed civil servant in specific. Still, there had to be some way for her to get Trixie to take this job seriously, even with as many times as Princess Celestia had thrown her hooves up in frustration over the actions of her student over the last few years.
“I think you will find Her Highness’ intent quite plain,” started Sincerity, trying not to think of how many long years she had before retirement. “Pins and I are well aware of the true story of what happened out in the Everfree Forest—” A shiver traveled the length and breadth of the perfectly arranged mane and coat of the golden unicorn mare, matched almost exactly by Rarity’s similar shiver “—and the Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters, having been taken into Her Royal Highness’ confidence, and we have produced a very extensive list of approved talking points that you have not been looking at.”
Linchpin gave up trying to sneak an extra wingtip full of cream pie from the reserve ammunition, and straightened as his associate looked at him for support. “That’s correct, Lady Trixie. You’ve barely even glanced at them once. How in the world do you expect to handle a simple interview, let alone all of the reporters out there making such a mess out of the lawn.”
“With style,” said Trixie, taking a moment to examine her reflection in the mirror and adjust her new cloak and hat. “A proper presentation involves a great deal of planning, and even though I appreciate the two of you coming to Ponyville on such short notice, I assure you, we have the situation well in hoof. Didn’t you check the qualifications of those little scoundrels who befriended Twilight Sparkle?”
At the befuddled expressions of the two civil servants, Trixie continued, “We had a little meeting, and we agreed the last thing that frightened little filly needs is a bunch of reporters sticking their noses into her mane. Therefore, Gabby Gums has written a most explosive exposé on the adult Elements of Harmony who participated in the event, with in-depth interviews and some of the best photos by an anonymous photographer who just happened to witness the whole thing. He has some beautiful shots of the Element bearers, Nightmare Moon, the run through the Everfree Forest, and he even managed to catch a somewhat out of focus photo of the elusive secret student of Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle.”
Trixie reached under her hat and tossed a copy of the Foal Free Press onto the table, landing face up with the headline “Nightmare Moon Defeated! Princess Luna Freed!” blaring out in a huge headline across the front, and a picture of the two alicorns(*) in question side-by-side beneath.
“B-but...” stammered Linchpin, pointing one hoof at the paper like it concealed a vicious spider, or, worse, an uncontrolled press story. “What about our talking points?”
“Celestia’s Secret Student Unveiled,” said Sincerity, turning the page to look at a blurry photograph of a unicorn mare with a huge question mark stamped on top of it. “Trained in an undisclosed location by a Zebrican shaman, selected at foalhood to act as a secret agent for the Princess… The only thing they don’t claim is that she’s secretly a Neighponese Ninja.”
“Page four,” said Trixie. “But it’s only a rumor. Although I really like the part about her living on a volcanic island with giant robots that shoot laser beams out of their eyes.”
“Really?” asked Linchpin, looking at the paper with a glint of momentary youthful fascination in his eyes before shaking his head. “Wait a minute. Hold on here. You can’t make me believe that Princess Celestia approved this kind of… fantasy.”
Trixie shrugged. “Has approved, will approve, no big difference. They got done with it late last night and the first printing went out by Pegasus Post about an hour ago. It will be on the newsstands and sold on the streets long before that horde of incompetents gets back to their ink-stained caves. Spike sent the very first copy to Princess Celestia before sacking out for a nap, and it’s fairly close to the notes you showed me, so I doubt if she’s going to object too strenuously. Or at least I haven’t heard any screaming yet.”
“So why are we even here?” asked Linchpin with a frown.
Trixie fidgeted with her hat, looking to Rarity for support before taking a deep breath. “Because I’ve been so horrible to both of you over the years. All the times I’ve fouled up or done something spectacularly stupid, you’ve been the ones to step into the line of fire and deal with these idiots. Once I’m done with the presentation, I’m treating you both to dinner at Gustav's with all the trimmings, including ice cream at a certain small shop here that will knock your shoes off.”
Both civil servants exchanged skeptical glances until Sincerity turned to Rarity and asked, “Not that we’re objecting, but are you certain she’s not a changeling?”
The distant sound of the Ponyville clock tower striking the hour made Trixie jump to her hooves and race over to the balcony door, counting down the seconds. “Three… two… one… Showtime!”
* * *
Flinging open the balcony door, Trixie stepped out in full view of the reporters and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Mares and Gentlecolts! May I have your attention?”
The sudden flurry of fireworks that burst into scintillating sparks high above the town made certain all eyes were on the showmare, and Trixie bowed nobly towards the photographers as the crowd shouted questions in one huge incoherent blast of noise. Off in the distance by Sugarcube Corner, she could see the little pests all walking carefully alongside a slow-moving cardboard box on their way back to the edge of the Everfree Forest where Zecora and the freaky bug thing — that is, the distinguished new members of the diverse community of Ponyville awaited. Truth was becoming an addictive habit, and for this press conference she had actually considered telling the truth about her terrifying trip into the dark forest, but after a few intense words with Princess Celestia that first night about the little multi-colored menace’s shyness and a bit of thought, the wisdom of lying creative storytelling was self-evident.
Plus it was a lot more fun.
Firing up a speech amplification spell that would rattle the fillings of any reporter in the first row, she gently threw back her new mane curls to glisten in the sunlight and began to spin her tale.
“As you may have heard, Princess Celestia’s private student, Twilight Sparkle and five plebeian ponies from this ordinary town did indeed free Princess Luna from the dark clutches of Nightmare Moon just a few nights ago. This press conference was called to answer any questions you might have about the events of that horrible night, and the secret training program that began twelve long years ago when Princess Celestia revealed her plan to us. It all started when…
* * *
Inside the library, Rarity and Sincerity flipped back and forth across the several pages of talking points and the newspaper as Trixie talked, while the adjunct made little checkmarks on notes at their request as the ‘press conference’ progressed.
“She’s making this Twilight Sparkle out to be a real secret agent, somewhere between a spy and a superhero,” said Linchpin, marking off ‘Elements to be stored in Canterlot’ off the list.
“Well, she did seem like a very interesting pony,” said Rarity, pointing to a line that said, ‘imply visits to Zebrica’ which the adjunct had missed checking. “And I can hardly wait to make her an outfit for when she is feeling more social. My darling sister Sweetie Belle told me a great number of stories about their adventures which I thought were just adolescent fantasy, but frankly, if I had believed her at the time, I would have been frightened to death. I’m just glad that their adventures are over for the time being, and we can settle down to a certain degree of normalcy around the town for a while.”
---~^~^~^~^---
i bet there are a lot of scary ponies yelling at you in canterlot, but you can get a friend to yell at them like trixie, it feels a lot better. tomorrow i think we are going to the library and i will look for a book to send that should make you feel better about being in a scary place with scary ponies.
your friend
monster until i find another name. tallgrass says i should consider nova or quasar but mom clopped him upside the head and said his head was numb and his idea was dumb so i will think about it some more. maybe i can get an idea from the library.
The little multicolored alicorn blew gently across the paper to dry the ink before rolling it up into a scroll and regarding the owl that sat on her balcony, keeping a close eye on his razor-sharp beak and cruel talons. It was late, and her vision was blurring a little from fatigue, but she could have sworn that when she presented the scroll to Owlowiscious, she saw the owl blink one eye.
“Can you take this to Spike in the library, please?”
“Who?”
“Spike. He’s a dragon.”
“Who?”
“Spike. He’s purple and about this tall. Breathes fire.”
“Who?”
“Mom!”
A tired voice echoed through the tree-house.
“Please take her letter, little owl, for it’s late, you see.
Don’t make me come up there from the bottom of my tree.”
Monster watched the owl carry the scroll away into the darkness before blowing out her candle and snuggling up in her bed. It was a cool night with friendly stars shining down on the town, and although there was a gap missing to her side where It… that is, Miss Smarty Pants normally rested, she slipped away into slumber without a care.
Tomorrow would be here very soon, and she could hardly wait to see what it would bring.
(*) The introduction of changelings caused great changes in Equestrian social structure, in particular the basis behind photojournalism. Still, there was a stiff honesty behind any changelings who agreed to take a form to be photographed for the news. They insisted on historical accuracy in both the subject and pose, which was not a difficult thing when Featherweight asked Tallgrass to pose for a few shots disguised as Nightmare Moon for their newspaper article. After all, his memories were still entirely too fresh when recalling just exactly how the infuriated alicorn looked at close range.