The Wheel and the Butterfly
A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga
Part 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping
Chapter 36 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Cabin
****
“Chris, you really need to think these things through.” Elise said in an irritated tone as she slowly pulled a rope up.
“Sorry!” Chris said apologetically as he held onto the rope. “But how often do you find cooked bacon just sitting in a hole in the middle of the woods!?”
“Never!” Elise replied. She grunted as she pulled her husband’s weight out of the deep, vertical hole in the ground.
“Exactly!” Chris responded as he pulled himself up to the surface. “Phew, thanks honey.”
Elise sighed.
“So umm…” Chris looked around nervously from side to side. “Do you think that was a trap set by Hiram? Are we in danger?” Chris added as he brought his hands up to his chin and began trembling as his teeth chattered.
“I don’t know, Chris.” Elise said. “Whoever dug this hole did it a while back, and only recently came in to clear out some snow and place the bacon.” She knitted her brow as she thought about this. “Plus, of what little we know about Hiram, I’m not sure a trap falls under his modus operandi.”
“Uhh…”
Elise chuckled. “It means, ‘method of operation’, you big goofball.”
Chris grinned sheepishly. “Sorry.”
Elise leaned up to give him a quick kiss on the lips. “That’s okay, you’re my big goofball. And I won’t let anything bad happen to you.” She assured, gently stroking her husband’s cheek.
“Thanks, darling.” Chris said. “Say…I know we still have more cameras and stuff to put out, but this whole hole thing has got me worried. Maybe we should head back.”
Elise looked at her husband with a smile. “Sure honey. Suddenly I’m a little less worried about what’s out here and more worried about what’s waiting for us backs at the cabin.”
Chris sighed. “You’re parents certainly haven’t made this an easy vacation.”
Elise turned toward into the woods, her eyes following a trail of slightly disturbed snow that headed in the direction of the cabin. She narrowed her eyes. “No.” She agreed. “No they haven’t.”
*
“So, what exactly are you two doing…to my cabin.” Don asked in a fraternal tone one might use to chastise a child. A large, shovel and a metal rake resting on his shoulder.
Dan and Pinkie crouched around an assortment of wooden figures and totems as Dan chanted in a soft, vowel heavy language.
Dan’s chanting ended in an abrupt sighed and he closed the leather bound book he was reading from, he raised to his feet. “I wasn’t doing anything to your precious cabin. I was blessing this lovely figure Pinkie carved of a Sumerian goddess with a protective prayer and making a food offering, because some of us don’t want to be brutally murdered or violated by malicious spirits.”
“Goddess?” Don asked. “I thought it was a bear.”
“Yeah, I’m not really good at carving…” Pinkie admitted as she set a rainbow colored cupcake in front of the carving.
“It’s fine.” Dan said, looking at Pinkie. “It’s the effort, offering, and prayer that’s important.” Dan said raising an index finger. Dan turned to Don with a mildly irritated expression. “The prayer I was attempting to read before you interrupted! Do you mind? I don’t exactly spend a lot of time speaking Sumerian.”
“I really wish you two wouldn’t do this. I come back from a hike in the woods and suddenly the amount of kooky things around here has tripled! There’s so many crosses, totems, and figures around that the cabin is beginning to look like a knick-knack flea market.” Don said.
“I don’t know what’s going to attack us!” Dan insisted throwing his hands up into the air. “And I certainly don’t want to protect the cabin against demons only to be attacked by a skin-walker or find out that draugar or evil fairies don’t actually care that there are a bunch of crosses all over the place! So I’m hedging my bets!”
“You two really believe in this sort of nonsense?” Don asked with a raised eyebrow.
“I…” Pinkie also rose to her feet and gave Don a surprised look. “You’ve lived a very sheltered life, haven’t you?”
“Excuse me young lady, but I’ve traveled the world and I’ve seen plenty.” Don stated sternly, leveling an index finger at Pinkie.
“But not undead birds angry because they didn’t get a proper burial after a cat mangled them, or a poltergeist that’s upset and levitating furniture because the other occupants of the apartment don’t want to watch infomercials 24/7?” Pinkie asked with a raised eyebrow.
Dan rubbed his chin and looked up at the sky. “You’d think the ghost of Billy Mays would have a lot more options than our apartment…”
Pinkie turned to Dan and shrugged. “I think he was haunting that case of ‘KABOOM’ products I picked up…I mean, he seemed to calm down after I gave the bathroom a really good cleaning.”
Don cleared his throat.
Dan looked at him. “Are you still here? Look, we won’t hurt your cabin, but I only had time to do all the Bible and local Native American…”
“Canadian.” Pinkie corrected.
Dan turned to Pinkie. “Well, the continent is ‘North America’ so I think the term still applies.” He responded.
Don cleared his throat again, louder this time.
“Uh...where was I?” Dan asked himself, glancing to the side briefly.
“Bible and local Native American stuff.” Pinkie reminded while holding up an index finger.
“Right! We only got so much done last night and I have a lot more work to do, so if you don’t mind…”
“Alright, Alright!” Don said putting his hands up defensively in front of his chest. “But why did you bring the cat?”
“Merow.” Mr. Mumbles replied from the ground of the cabin porch.
“She’s the only one of us that can read kanji.” Pinkie explained.
Don stared at Pinkie blankly, not sure if that was a joke or not. “Uh…alright. Just clean this stuff up when you leave.”
Dan shrugged. “Hey, if you don’t want a creepy cabin that’s protected from the undead and supernatural evils of the world, that’s fine with me.”
Pinkie smiled. “The car will be a lot safer on the way home.” She pointed out.
“Creepy!” Don said slightly insulted. “The cabin is charming.”
“Only in a very ‘Let’s fill this with as much dead animals as possible to make sure it looks just like every other creepy cabin where people get murdered in sort of way.’” Dan replied.
Don’s eyes narrowed. “Well if you don’t like the decor, you two are welcome to switch bedrooms with Elise and I and share the RV with Colby.”
“The only way I’m sharing sleeping quarters with Colby is if I gut him and use his skin and skeletal system to make a tent.” Pinkie replied matching Don’s expression.
Don’s and Dan’s expression changed at the morbid comment. Don looked shocked while Dan grinned in grim approval.
“Hehe…Anyways,” Dan continued, “I’ve just spent the last several hours chanting in long dead languages to protect this cabin. If you three want to be our early warning system for hungry zombies or hungry ghosts, that’s your business.”
“Don? Are you out there?” Elise Sr. called out from the cabin.
“Yes, sweetie!” Don replied.
“If you see Pinkie and Dan, tell them dinner’s almost ready!”
Don turned back to Pinkie and Dan and gave an exasperated sigh seeing he wasn’t getting anywhere with this conversation. “Dinner is almost ready. So come in…or don’t! I don’t really care.” Don added matter-of-factually.
Dan turned to Pinkie. “Wrap up the Sumerian stuff and call it a night?”
Pinkie smiled. “Don’t forget we need to leave out a saucer of cream for the pixies~!” Pinkie sang out in response.
“Never forget the pixies!” Dan declared to no one in particular.
“Merow!” Mr. Mumbles replied.
Don sighed, turned, rolled his eyes, and walked away.
Pinkie turned to Dan. “Now, why do you suppose he took a shovel and a rake hiking with him?” She asked, bringing her eyebrows closer slightly.
Dan shrugged. “Who knows, maybe he’s just as pedantic about how the woods around the cabin look as he is about the cabin.” Dan said in a mildly irritated tone of voice.
“Ooo! You know what’s a good word for that! ‘Persnickety!’” Pinkie said with a smile. “Speaking of which, let’s finish up warding the cabin against persnickety spirits! I’m starving.”
Dan nodded. “I hear that. Now where was I..?” Dan asked, as he opened his book and flipped a few pages.
-
“You won’t believe what those two psychos are doing out there!” Don said to the occupants of the cabin living area as he walked in from the snowy outdoors. The large room consisted of a kitchen area sitting next to a large dining room table with wooden chairs, and a brown couch and loveseat sitting near a fireplace. Trophies of elk and moose heads adorned the walls and a rug that was clearly a bear at one time laid in front of the fireplace.
Colby turned with a smile from the couch.
Elise Sr. turned to Don from in front of the stove in the kitchen, a large pot sitting on it as flames licked the underside, and steamed wafted from the surface.
“Yeah, I’ve found not believing what Dan and Pinkie do never really changes the fact that they do or did it anyway.” Chris stated.
Don jumped slightly and set the shovel and rake next to the door. He turned and shoot Chris a glare as Chris entered the cabin with Elise.
“What are they doing?” Elise Sr. asked as she stirred the pot on the stove.
Don rolled his eyes as he raised his forearms and rotated his hands out palm up. “They seem to think they’re protecting the cabin from evil by strewing knick-knacks all about and chanting!”
Elise and Chris blinked with blank expressions in reply as the two made their way to the loveseat by the fireplace.
Elise turned to face her father as she and her husband made their way to the loveseat. “Yeah, they did some of that last night when we got here, too.” Elise explained. “So?”
“So?!” Don replied in surprise. “It’s a waste of time! None of the things they talked about protecting the house actually exist!” Don insisted.
“Uhhh…” Chris began as he and his wife sat down on the loveseat that faced away from Don
Elise put a hand on her husband’s arm and gave him a warm smile. “I got this, sweetie.” She turned back to her father, looking at him from over the back of the loveseat. “From our experience, they probably do.” She explained.
“You’re joking, Junior…” Elise Sr. replied, as she stirred a large pot sitting on the stove.
Elise shot her mother an annoyed look for calling her ‘Junior’ but turned to her husband in lieu of responding. “Chris, list off some of the monstrosities you and Dan have dealt with.”
Chris raised an eyebrow. “That’s a long list.”
Elise smiled. “Just stick to the supernatural.”
“Hmmm…” Chris thought about this for a moment and extended his arms out, listing ghoulies and spooks on his fingers. “Wolf-man, skeletons, Dan insisted his car was vandalized by the ghost of George Washington, though Elise and I saw nothing conclusive there, a minotaur …a mummy, our boss turned out to be a demon at one point…er…Pinkie and Dan recently bribed me with baked goods so I’d keep the ghost of Billy Mayes company as we watched hours and hours of infomercials…”
“Well, I’m sure you and your crazy friends thought you saw some outlandish…” Don began.
Elise raised her hand, interrupting her father. “I can vouch for the minotaur, also the mummy; I went out to a M’opera with him.”
Elise Sr. cocked her head. “What’s a M’opera?”
Elise smiled. “It’s a Mime Opera!”
Elise Sr. knitted her brow. “Southern California is weird…” She mused.
“He was real and kept hitting on Elise.” Chris said.
“I meant the M’opera.” Elise Sr. qualified.
“That was, sadly, equally as real.” Chris replied.
Don raised an eyebrow at his daughter. “You really went out on a date with a mummy?”
Elise smiled and shrugged. “I was just trying to make Chris jealous because he snubbed me for a Dan plot…against said Mummy.”
Chris sighed. “I said I was sorry!”
Elise playfully pinched her husband’s cheek. “I know you did, snookum.” She said lowering her voice slightly and smiling at Chris.
“Am I the only one here who believe those two out there are completely wasting their time?” Don asked irritably.
“I feel safer knowing what’s out there and can kill me is at least a shorter list.” Chris stated.
Elise looked at her father. “Sorry, Dad. Gonna have to side with my hubby on this one.” Elise said smiling at Chris giving his arm a squeeze.
Chris reciprocated with a smile at his wife.
Elise Sr. looked over at her husband and gave him an “Ehhh…” and raised her hand palm face down and rocked it back and forth slightly in a ‘sorta’ fashion.
“I’m with you, dad!” Colby said enthusiastically from the couch.
“Thanks, son. Team Real Men will put up a unified front!” Don declared.
Elise rolled her eyes as the door opened again.
“What’s Team Real Men?” Pinkie asked as she walked in. Dan emerged behind her, Mr. Mumbles perched on his shoulder.
“Team Real Men apparently means not believing in supernatural things that want to kill you.” Chris answered flatly. “Apparently Don and Colby are putting up a unified front on this.”
“Yeah, I’ve found not believing in them doesn’t really change the fact they want to eat you.” Pinkie answered.
“Hey! This is great!” Dan said excitedly. “When a giant monster attacks, Don and Colby can unify themselves in front of us and try to convince the monster it’s not real!.. While the sane people run away!” Dan added.
“Ouch, sanity questioned by Dan…” Pinkie said with a sly smile. “Would you like some ointment?” Pinkie asked Don.
Don’s eyes narrowed. “For what?”
“For that burn, it’s gotta sting.” Pinkie said with a large grin.
Don’s expression changed to an angry glare and he quickly closed the distance between him and Pinkie. “This is my cabin and I won’t be talked to like that by some pink haired lunatic who thinks clearing snow away should involve high explosives!”
“I’m sorry, if you don’t want me here, maybe you can find a nice gutter to drop me off at.” Pinkie shot back, her eyes changing to daggers as she closed the distance between her and Don to a few feet.
“Whoa!” Elise said quickly getting up from the loveseat, walking towards the fighting pair, and putting herself in between Pinkie and her father. “Let’s just calm down and try to avoid killing each other.” Elise gave her father a quick, serious glance. “Please.” She added.
Colby began walking closer to the group by the door.
“Yeah,” Dan said, “there’s probably going to be a crazy serial killer who’s going to want to do that, anyways.” He chimed in from in front of the door.
Chris cringed.
Elise shot Dan a look. “Not helping, Dan.” She turned back to Pinkie. “Gutter?”
“Nothing!” Pinkie said sweetly with a smile. A smile that quickly returned to a glare leveraged at Don as Pinkie looked pass Elise, “I mean, nothing aside from your father’s little joke that I would have been better off in a gutter than staying with Dan.”
“Wow, Don.” Dan said with a wounded expression. “That hurts my feelings.”
Elise turned to her father with a knotted brow. “DAD!”
Don put his hands up defensively. “What! I was just joking with her.”
“Jokes are things everyone thinks are funny.” Pinkie stated. “Insults are things usually only the teller thinks are funny.” Pinkie raised her eyebrows slightly. “Believe me, a few months living with Dan has really, really helped me tell the difference.”
Pinkie felt a hand on her shoulder and looked up into Colby’s smiling face. “Now, I’m sure Don didn’t mean any…”
“Do you want to keep that hand?” Pinkie asked in a tone laced with venom and promises of appendage removal.
“Alright everyone!” Elise Sr. called out. “Stew’s ready, so if you’d all kindly calm down, maybe we can get through dinner without blood loss.”
The group took a collective calming sigh.
“Junior, please help me set the table.”
“DON’T CALL ME JUNIOR!” Elise shouted angrily at her mom.
“It’s your NAME.” Elise Sr. responded.
Elise grumbled. “Fine, Senior, let me grab the cutlery.”
“DON’T CALL ME SENIOR!”
“Junior! Don’t talk to your mother that way!” Don ordered.
“Sorry, dad, am I disrupting the big ‘let’s convince our daughter to marry one of her ex’s’ plan?” Elise responded.
Don and Elise Sr. quickly exchanged a worried look.
“Finally! Someone addresses the elephant in the room.” Chris said.
“Elephant? Where?” Pinkie looked around from side to side.
“Now, that’s hardly fair…” Don began.
Chris rolled his eyes and waved a dismissive hand. “Please, I know you two think I’m stupid, but I’d have to be blind to not see what’s going on here.”
“You tell ‘em, Chris!” Pinkie cheered enthusiastically.
Pinkie felt a squeeze on her shoulder. “Now, now. Don and Elise where just being inclusive…” Colby began.
“Seriously, let go of me or I WILL make sure that hand never touches me again.” Pinkie said, shooting a death beam glare up at Colby.
“There you go again with your psycho killer routine!” Don said motioning towards Pinkie. “I can see why you hang out with the likes of Dan.”
“Ouch, Don. Just ouch.” Dan replied.
“I’m sorry, was that a joke?” Pinkie asked, swatting Colby’s hand off of her shoulder, and walking back towards Don. “Was I not supposed to take offence because you were”--Pinkie raised her fingers into air quotes-- ‘just kidding’?” Pinkie asked.
“No joke, you’re messed up in the head.” Don shot back.
“DAD! Leave her alone!” Elise shouted.
“Junior! Don’t yell at your father!” Elise Sr. ordered.
The occupants of the room quickly devolved into arguing, shooting, and insulting each other.
“EVERYONE SHUT THE HELL UP, RIGHT NOW!”
Everyone stopped to stare at the short, red faced man in a black ‘JERK’ t-shirt.
“Sorry, but everyone’s yelling, and it somehow doesn’t involve me, and it’s freaking me out!” Dan explained.
Pinkie walked over to her roomie. “I’m sorry, Dan. I shouldn’t let myself get carried away like that…Here…” Pinkie pulled out a white cake with pink frosting that read ‘I’m Sorry’. “Lactose-free, and everything!” She said with a smile.
“…Where did you pull that from?” Don asked staring at the cake.
“I always carry an ‘I’m sorry’ cake with me!” Pinkie responded cheerfully. “And I have ‘I’m Sorry’ goodie bags for everyone!”
“That…uh…actually raises more questions.” Don replied.
Dan smiled and patted Pinkie’s arm. “It’s okay Pinkie. We can save it for dessert. Why don’t you get Mr. Mumbles some food?”
Pinkie smiled. “Okie-dokie-lokie!”
Dan turned to the other occupants of the room. “Now, Elise Sr. spent a really long time cooking, so let’s all sit down and enjoy a nice meal before I burn this place down to establish anger dominance.” He said with a smile, setting Mr. Mumbles down on the floor.
Mr. Mumbled bounded over to a red, shallow food dish as Pinkie emptied the cylindrical contents of a cat food can into it.
Dan turned to Elise. Sr. “Elise, I will help you set the table.” Dan declared, motioning to himself with a hand.
“Uhhh…” Elise Sr. managed a small smile. “Thank you, Dan. That’s very thoughtful.”
The two walked over to the drawers and cupboards and began fetching plates and flatware.
The rest of the group walked over to the table.
“Did…did Dan just defuse an argument?!” Elise asked her husband in a surprised tone as they sat down at the table.
“It would seem so…” Chris replied in an equally surprised tone. “Puts things into perspective. The sort of perspective that turns your stomach.”
Don sat at one end of the table, Pinkie at the other. Pinkie cringed as Colby picked a spot next to her.
Dan and Elise Sr. set the table and Dan sat down next to Pinkie and Chris. Elise Sr. sat down next to her husband and Colby.
The seven enjoyed a quiet and awkward dinner followed by a quiet and awkward dessert, until…
“Not bad for a lactose free cake.” Don commented.
Pinkie raised an eyebrow at the man sitting on the other end of table from her. “’Not bad’?”
“Well, don’t feel bad, but I’ve been running a successful cupcake company for decades.” Don said with a smile.
“Aah, an assortment of faux confectionaries complete with fake coloring, no doubt.” Pinkie responded in a disinterested tone of voice.
Don knitted his brow. “Fake coloring? Then how did you make the pink on the cake?”
“Raspberry juice.” Pinkie responded with a satisfied smile.
Don looked at Dan. “I wasn’t aware your roommate was such the naturalist.”
Dan shrugged. “Pinkie takes baking very seriously. You’re kind of lucky you didn’t try to feed her anything you’ve made. I’ve seen her chew out a baker for hours over imitation vanilla.”
Pinkie giggled. “Hehe…yeaaaaah…good times.”
“You’re telling me that cupcake I saw outside was made without any dyes?” Don asked surprised.
Pinkie smiled and raised a loose fist and began listing ingredients on her fingers. “Pomegranate juice, turmeric, cabbage juice, spinach, blueberries, and carrot juice.”
“Wait…” Dan began stroking his chin. “Those are all fruits and vegetables, does that mean…”
Pinkie grinned wide. “Nopie-dopie-pokie!” Pinkie said to her roommate as she shook her head back and forth.
Dan sighed. “It was worth a shot…”
Pinkie’s skin began to crawl and she shuttered from her toes up to her head as she felt a hand on her thigh.
“I’d love to try your cupcakes.” Colby said to Pinkie with a wide smile.
Everyone went silent.
“And the award for creepiest pick-up line goes to…” Chris said, motioning to Colby.
Pinkie shot up in her seat. “I’m going to bed!” She announced, trudging off toward a room in the back of the cabin.
Colby stood up. “I better go with her…”
“The bed that’s in Dan and my room which is also where the chest full of sharp weapons is kept.” Pinkie added.
“I should probably stay here.” Colby said with a worried expression, sitting back down.
“Hey! I thought that was buried treasure!” Chris exclaimed.
Pinkie turned at the door. “Oh, I’ll bury something, alright.” She said darkly, narrowing her eyes at Colby. “Oh!” Pinkie smiled. “And by ‘something’, I meant ‘your corpse’, and by ‘alright’ I meant ‘in the woods’.” She added cheerfully
Colby put his hands up defensively with a nervous smile. “I got it.”
“Oh, you’re going to get it, alright.” Pinkie responded grimly, her eye lids lowering until she was looking at Colby with small slits. “Oh!” Pinkie smiled. “And by ‘it’, I meant ‘a terrible chainsaw wound’, and by…”
“Uh, Pinkie?” Dan interrupted. “Why, don’t you thank Elise Sr. for the meal, and I’ll meet up with you shortly.”
Pinkie closed her eyes and smiled. “Alright Dan.” She looked at Elise Sr. “Thanks for the stew, Elise Sr. It was scrumdiddlyumptios!”
“Uh, you’re welcome, Pinkie.” Elise Sr. said with a small smile.
“Great.” Dan looked at the other occupants of the table. “Now everyone else thank Elise Sr.” Dan commanded sternly.
The other people at the table uttered their “Thank you, Elise Sr.”s.
Dan nodded with smile. “Good, now everyone thank Pinkie for dessert.”
Don began to sigh, but stopped when Dan gave him an icy glare.
Everyone at a table turned to Pinkie and uttered a “Thank you, Pinkie.”
“You’re all very welcome.” Pinkie replied. She entered her and Dan’s room and closed the door behind her.
“…Maybe I should apologize…” Colby mused.
Dan raised an eyebrow at the muscular, blond haired man. “She’s a bit on edge and probably wouldn’t think twice about delimbing you at the moment.”
“Tomorrow.” Colby added hastily.
Chris looked over at Dan. “Thanks for keeping the peace, Dan.”
Dan closed his eyes and smiled. “It’s what I’m here for.”
“Uh…sure.” Chris responded.
“Still, it would be nice if that pink haired girl calmed down a bit.” Don stated.
Dan stared across the table at Don. “You know she wanted to be your friends the moment she saw you. I’m guessing she’d be a lot nicer if you just apologized.”
“Apologize?!” Don exclaimed.
Elise looked across the table to her father. “Dad, we brought her here so she could unwind. I’ve never known her to lash out at people she’s just met without any reason.” Elise raised her eyebrows. “I’m guessing you all didn’t make a very good impression on her when you first met.”
“Now, Junior, can you blame us…she is a bit…off.” Elise Sr. explained.
Elise rolled her eyes at being called Junior, “I can absolutely blame you two!” Elise exclaimed, motioning towards her parents. “You two judge someone before you’ve even met them and start talking down to them the second you come in contact with them. You’ve done this with every one of my boyfriend’s you’ve ever met.” Elise cocked her head slightly, raised her eyebrows and opened her eyes wide. “Not pleasant.” She added.
Chris nodded.
“They never did it with me.” Colby said proudly.
“Shhhh…” Dan said to Colby. “You’re more attractive when you don’t talk. So, shut up.”
“Hey!” Colby protested.
“Colby, please be quiet.” Elise Sr. said.
“Yes, mom…” Colby replied sheepishly.
Elise Sr. sighed. “You’re right Elise.” She said to her daughter. “We could have been nicer to her. Don and I will apologize to her tomorrow, and we’ll all get a fresh start.”
“We will?” Don asked with a small degree of surprise, turning to his wife.
“Yes, Don, we will.” Elise Sr. said sternly.
Don sighed. “Oh all, right.”
“Great,” Dan exclaimed, “now apologize to me!” He added with a smile.
“WHAT?!” Don exclaimed.
“Don?” Elise Sr. said in a warning tone.
“Alright, I’msorryDan.” Don said, barely audibly.
“I’m sorry, there must be snow in my ears, didn’t quite catch that.” Dan said, cleaning his ear with a pinkie finger.
Don sighed loudly. “I’m sorry, Dan.”
Dan stood up with a smile. “See? Was that so hard?”
“Yes.” Don muttered to himself, crossing his arms and glancing to the side.
“Well, my work is done.” Dan announced motioning proudly to himself. “Now everyone play nice, or I’ll send Pinkie out here with her chainsaw.” He added. He motioned towards Mr. Mumbles who was sitting next to her empty food dish.
“Merow!” Mr. Mumbles quickly bounded towards Dan and quickly jumped up his outstretched arm to her favorite perch on his shoulder.
“Is anyone else just a tad disturbed that Dan’s the sensible one here?” Chris asked.
Everyone else nodded while Dan walked towards the door to his and Pinkie’s room.
Elise shook her head. “It’s not going to last.”
Dan opened the door.
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAK!” Pinkie cried.
The group at the table turned towards Dan.
“AH!” Dan covered his eyes with a hand. “Wait, Pinkie! Put down the sword. It’s me! I’m sorry.”
“Meow!” Mr. Mumbles cried out in alarm.
“Oh.” Pinkie giggled as the sounds of something thin and metal hit the ground was heard. “It’s okay, Dan. I thought you were someone else.”
A feminine hand with pink nail polish on the nails emerged from the door and grabbed Dan’s shirt, dragging him and Mr. Mumbles in. The door quickly shut behind them.
“It’s alright Dan,” The group continued to listen to the muffled conversation in the room, “you can open your eyes.” Pinkie said.
Dan breathed a sigh of relief. “Sorry, didn’t mean toGHAH! I THOUGHT YOU MEANT YOU’D PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!”
Pinkie’s giggling was heard again. “Awwww…someone’s embarrassed~.” She sang out.
“NO! WAIT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! LET GO OF ME! GHA!”
There was a muffled ‘thump’, a startled “MEROW!” and more giggling followed by frustrated growling.
Elise motioned to the door Dan had just been pulled into. “There you go.”
Don turned to his daughter. “Are you sure those two aren’t a thing?”
“Well…they’re something, alright. But probably not the thing you’re thinking of.” Elise answered.
Don sighed. “Let’s just hope they never breed.”
“Dad! That’s not very nice.” Elise responded.
“Speaking of breeding, when are we going to see some Elise Junior Juniors, running around?” Don asked with a smile.
“DAD?! WHAT THE HECK?!” Elise exclaimed.
“And the award for most inappropriate segue goes to…” Chris said, motioning to Don.
Elise sighed. “I’m outie. Goodnight everyone.” She walked towards another room in the back.
Colby stood up. “I better go with her…”
“Hey!” Chris protested.
“I will put a bullet in the gut of anyone who isn’t my husband who opens this door.” Elise said warningly at the group, as she rested a hand on the knob to the aforementioned potential bleeding out before someone could get to the hospital door.
“I should probably stay here.” Colby said with a worried expression, sitting back down.
Elise opened the door, entered the room, and closed the door behind her.
Chris looked towards Elise Sr. “Any more stew? I could really go for seconds.” He asked with a goofy grin.
Elise Sr. sighed. “Just follow her, you moron.”
“Oh, right!” Chris said, standing up and heading towards the door Elise had just entered. He knocked on it. “Hey honey, it’s Chris. Please don’t shoot me.”
The door opened. “Come in, husband whom I love!” The group heard Elise call out.
Chris’s face flushed red. “Uh…I think I’m overdressed…” He replied.
A feminine hand poked out from the door to claim Chris, grabbing him by the shirt and dragging him inside.
“I can fix that.” Elise purred before the door closed.
The color drained from Elise Sr. and Don’s faces.
“Dear?” Elise Sr. said, turning to Don and quickly standing up. “I think that’s our cue to retreat to the RV for the night.”
Don also quickly stood up. “Yeah…better part of valor, and all that.” He turned to Colby with a glare. “Come along, Colby. I think we three need to have a little talk.” Don stressed irritably.
Colby frowned and rose to his feet.
**
“Nicer?!” A pajama clad Pinkie Pie exclaimed from her spot on the floor, leaning against the bed with a sleeping Mr. Mumbles behind her. A brown, wooden, rustic style, lamp cast a soft glow on her face from atop the nightstand next to her. “After everything they said?!”
A t-shirt and boxer glad Dan held up an index finger from his spot on the floor a few feet away, “Only if they actually apologize in a non-passive aggressive manner. I’ll give you that much.”
Pinkie sighed, “Oh, alright…you’re probably right, Dan. This whole stay could use a bit more friendship and a bit less shoutyness.” Pinkie grinned and turned to Dan. “If they don’t apologize to me properly, we could always use all the gear we brought to give them a little scare!” She said excitedly.
Dan waved his hands out in front of him, “I already tried that with them the last time we all went camping. Colby has the strength of ten men!”
Pinkie giggled, “Does he have to call on the power of Greyskull, first?”
Dan grinned. “Nice reference, but we’re not putting on masks and arming ourselves. That’s how idiots get to the top of the ‘to be murdered by the real killer’ list,” Dan explained.
Pinkie paused, “There’s a list?”
Dan raised a palm to his face, “Of course, there is, stupid!”
Pinkie’s face changed to a pout, “Sorry Dan, I’m really new to this whole evil spirit and/or serial killer thing.”
Dan lowered his hand and sighed, “It’s alright, I’ll give you a crash course.”
“Yay!” Pinkie responded happily, bringing her hands together and resting them on her lap.
“Alright, so out of the seven of us, who do you think is the most likely to be killed first?” Dan asked.
Pinkie thought for a moment. “Colby.” She answered. “He’s only been in one episode and was briefly mentioned in like…one other.”
“Right.” Dan replied before he put on a confused expression. “Wait, what? No, never mind…” Dan said dismissively. “Who’s next on the list.”
“Uhhh…Don and Elise Sr.” Pinkie answered. “They’re not even main characters or anything.”
“Alright, just…pushing past the bizarreness of that answer, right again.” Dan raised an eyebrow, “Next.”
“Chris and Elise,” Pinkie said. “They’re important, but our names are in the title!” Pinkie reasoned.
“I…erm…okay, right again. We’re also the only ones preparing for something,” Dan added.
Pinkie smiled, “You do have that whole genre savvy thing going for you.”
Dan smiled, “See! You’re getting it.”
Pinkie smiled. “Thanks Dan.” She crossed her hand over her chest a few times and put her palm over her eyes as she declared, “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye that I won’t do anything that increased our status on the ‘to be murdered’ pecking order.”
Dan nodded with a smile. “Good.”
She yawned. “Sorry. I think all the snowball fighting and creating holy relics to protect us from the damned from every nook and cranny of the world have really taken a lot out of me.”
“Don’t forget all the arguing and fighting,” Dan added.
Pinkie sighed. “I won’t,” She declared.
Dan yawned as well. “Well, it’s pretty early for me, but we should try to get some sleep in case something attacks in the middle of the night.” He reasoned.
Pinkie stood up with a huge grin and sat down on the bed next to Mr. Mumbles, patting the spot next to her.
Dan rolled his eyes with a smile, “Alright, coming.” He sat down next to Pinkie who immediately leaned over to rest her head on his shoulder.
Pinkie turned to face Dan, her big, sky-blue eyes inches from his green ones. “Er…Dan?” She began, fluttering her eyelids. “I know you said you don’t like me holding you, but…”
Dan sighed. “Fine! Just don’t squeeze too tight.”
Pinkie beamed as she gave Dan a hug.
“GAHK! Yes, don’t do that.” Dan said over the sound of his bones cracking softly.
“Oops. Sorry Dan.” Pinkie said. She reached over to the lamp sitting next to the bed and turned it off.
Blankets rustled in the darkness.
“Also, no snoring in my ears,” Dan commanded.
Pinkie giggled, “No promises.”
***
“Alright, Colby. Would you kindly explain what the heck you were doing back there?!” Don demanded from his swivel chair in front of a huge screen embedded in the brown interior of the back of the RV. A number of smaller screens sat near it, and under the screen was a series of dials and a keyboard. On the screen itself, ‘Operation get rid of Chris 2’ appeared in a large font over a green, 3D, spinning, wireframe of Chris with a large green ‘X ‘over it.
“Seriously.” Elise Sr. said, leaning against the RV wall next to her husband. “I’ve seen frat boys with more subtlety than you!”
“Well,” Don began, “It would be forgivable if it was directed at the right woman!” He said, anger starting to creep into his voice.
From the small couch embedded in the wall of the RV, Colby raised his hands defensively. “Sorry, just trying to improvise the plan a little.”
“How, exactly, is hitting on that crazy pink haired girl ‘improvising’?” Elise asked, furrowing her brow at Colby.
Colby smiled. “I thought I could make Elise jealous. Remind her that a great guy like me won’t be available forever.”
Don and Elise Sr. looked at each other with contemplative expressions.
“Huh…” Don said, rubbing his chin. “We’ve never tried that.” He looked back at Colby. “But maybe you should save it for a girl who’s less likely to blow you up.”
Colby sighed. “Yeah… good point. Okay, we’ll stick to the plan.”
Elise Sr. smiled. “That’s the spirit! We just need to get Elise and Chris out into the woods. Separate them, get them lost…”
Don smiled. “The bacon trap I left in the woods should lure Chris right into a hole he can’t climb out of, and the tampered with GPS we swapped Elise’s for outa get them lost and keep her lost as she goes to find help.
Colby smiled. “Then I find and rescue Elise!”
Don smiled. “Yep! She’ll be so grateful and Chris will be so lost…or eaten by wild animals…or dead of exposure, she’ll forget all about him and settle down with you!”
Elise Sr. smiled. “Simple, yet brilliant.”
“We’ll just need to make sure Dan and Pinkie don’t mess it up, but I’m sure we can come up with something suitably shiny to distract them with.” Don reasoned.
“And everyone is happy!” Colby added. “Well…not Chris…since he’d likely be dead.”
Elise Sr. smiled “Alright gang, let’s get some sleep. Tomorrow is a big day.”
***
Night had claimed the forest, enveloping the Cabin, blue sedan, and white RV in a thick blanket of silence and darkness. The trees, structure, and vehicles, and snow only slightly lightened by stars and a half-moon. Shadows of large, triangular shaped trees pointed out from the forest towards the vehicles and cabin like jagged arrows pointing towards a target. A thin, bearded silhouette formed from the shadows and growled deeply as it approached the white RV, and casted even further gloom against the side of it and a window that had its shades drawn closed. The silhouette shrank to the size of an almost rail thin man, darkened against the white side of the RV.
With a roar, the shadow changed and a large axe-shaped emerged from the top of it. In a flash of movement, a metal axe head shattered the silence with the sound of broken glass and startled screaming.