“Uuuugh, it won’t fit.” Matt muttered, attempting to stuff a bunch of fresh spines into the obviously full bag.
“Huehuehuehuehue.” Doobie chuckled, stomping on a decapitated mare so hard that her spine shot right out of her asshole. He scooped up the blood and poo covered bone and threw it on the pile beside Matt. Spike was busy looking around for ponies that were not fully dead yet. Too much of a scrawny wimp to finish them off himself, he just pointed them out to Doobie, who would come over and collect their spines.
“Why do you need all these spines, guys?” Spike asked, pointing towards a half dead, shivering mare.
“Spack, my boy, we need these spines because once upon a time someone somewhere called our friend Doobie here spineless. We can’t have that, so we decided to gather up as many spines as we can. That’ll show him.” Matt replied, not seeing spike’s incredulous gaze.
“Fucking shit! Cunt, cunt ,cunt, cunt! Who the fuck are you speaking to?” Doobie screamed at the stallion he was currently stomping.
“What did he do, buddy?” Matt asked, walking over and enjoying the crunching sounds.
“He said my mother was a tree and that the hotel in my foot has no more room for all those scallops.” Doobie said.
Spike stared at the two ponies who were obviously still suffering from severe brain damage. It was a miracle they were both still functioning at all.
“I think you two both need to see a doctor. You’ve killed every doctor and pony in ponyville more or less so we’ll need to find someone else.” Spike suggested, walking over to Doobie and Matt as Doobie wiped the brain paste off of his hoof.
“What about that zebra cunt? Doctor zed or something.” Doobie said.
“...Zecora?” Spike asked.
“Yeah, her.”
“I guess we could try…”
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Zecora the zebra was busy in her hut making some onion and rat tail stew she had learned to make from her green friend when the door burst open and Doobie ran in, tripped and skipped on his face into the open flames under the cauldron.
“Fuck! It burns!” Doobie screamed as he ran around the hut kicking, screaming and elbow smashing anything that got in his way.
Mat calmly walked in, grabbed Doobie by the ass and shoved him into the stew, extinguishing the flames and giving Doobie even more burns due to the stew being boiling hot. He thrashed around while Zecora watched and Doobie eventually went limp in her dinner, his limbs still loosely flailing.
“You two are obviously brain damaged, ruining my dinner when i am so famished.” Zecora said, picking up her staff and preparing to beat the living shit out of the both of them for spoiling her delicious meal.
“Zecora! Wait! They are brain damaged! I need you to fix them.” Spike yelled, hurrying in looking out of breath. Doobie and Matt had pissed off numerous manticores and timber wolves on the way to the hut and they had been running for nearly five whole minutes.
“How fucking rude, you’ve gone and pissed in her food.” Matt sniggered, making fun of the zebra’s speech pattern.
Doobie had finally splashed all of the stew out of the pot and was now just laying there, still trying to fight the already drained liquid. Matt topled the cauldron over and allowed doobie to spill onto the floor.
“Why should I help you? You’ve gone and ruined my stew.” Zecora asked, sidestepping the pool of liquid that was soaking into her new shag carpeting.
“We’ll go away if you fix us.” Matt said.
“...Alright, I accept your motion. Come and drink this healing potion.” Zecora said, handing Doobie a red drink in a glass bottle. Doobie grabbed it and munched it, glass and all. Luckily since it was a healing potion his insides were instantly fixed after being shredded by the glass.
Zecora shook her head and handed another to matt who drank it like a sane person, feeling invigorated and coherent again.
“Fuck, I can think! And There’s probably only minor permanent internet ricky gervais house. I mean damage.” Doobie said.
“Urgh”. Zecora moned, pausing and looking at the three home intruders. “After all this time, I can’t think of another rhyme. So get the fuck out.”
“‘Kay.” Matt shrugged, knocking over everything that wasn’t nailed down on his way to the exit. Doobie pushed Zecora onto a pile of broken glass and followed Matt out. When they got outside they both paused, wondering where it is that they were going.
“The fuck we going now?” Doobie asked, slamming the door and crushing Spike’s body.
“Wherever there are things that can be ruined is where we’re heading. Now get a fucking move on, we’ve got lives to extinguish and property to damage.” Matt replied, storming forward towards ponyville.
“Shit it’s cold as fuck, mah niggah. What say we head to that aryan bitch’s shop and steal us some clothes.” Doobie fucked, shivering his ass off.
“Aye laddie.” Matt ogred.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
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“I told him to move and he didn’t, simple as that.” Matt replied, wiping blood off his face.
“You cut his face off and wore it as you murdered his family. You took it took far, Matt. A normal pony would have asked him to move or something. You just… Y- You… Fucking christ, Matt.” Spike argued as the three of them ran like a nigger runs from a crime scene.
“He was giving me a dirty look and his family were annoying.”
“His family wer- THEY WEREN'T EVEN THERE. YOU FOUND THEM AFTERWARDS.”
“Well It isn’t like I meant to do it, it was an accident.”
“You yelled ‘I will slay you know where you fucking stand’ at them as you murdered them.”
After 3 minutes of running they could see carousel boutique off in the distance. Tired of Spike’s constant yapping, Matt punted the fucker straight through the window of the store. The little fuck crashed into the building, doing 5 backflips as he smashed into his waifu Rarity. After she kicked his green and purple ass out of the way, Rarity asked why he was there and if the two maniacs he hung out with were there too.
“W- well not yet, but they’ll be here any second.” Spike stuttered, having lost whatever chance he had at getting with his horse waifu.
Upon hearing this, Rarity alerted her friends. Twilight rolled in on her wheelchair, looking panicked. She opened a chest full of maps. She mutters something about something not being ready yet and needing more time.
“Argh, they could be here any minute and we still don’t have the last element. Where is Applejack!?”
The double doors burst open and the two maniacal monstrous miasmas of monkey business rolled their way in, cursing loudly. Twilight gasped and rolled herself into another room. Spike approached his friends from another world and greeted them rather nervously.
“Sup guys, argh-” Spike mumbled, before being grabbed by Doobie.
“Cut the bullshit Spack, you reek of lies!” he yelled, dragging Spike across a table.
“Aarggh they’re through there!” Spike squealed like a fire breathing pig.
“Alright you cunts, you better be fucking ready.” Matt yelled as him and Doobie charged into the designated room.
They were greeted by not one, not two but five of the elements of harmony, all in position and ready to use their magical bullshit on them. Matt spotted what looked like Applejack’s element sitting on a table. Twilight’s horn shot out some purple magic shit which created some sort of spark, turning on the other elements.
“They’re trying to use their element things on us. US!” Matt yelled, taking offence.
“Dumb cunts think it’ll work without orange incest horse being here. Stupid shits.” Doobie chuckled, firing a bolt of magic at them in order to disarm them. As usual, this resulted in him hurting himself and not accomplishing what he set out to do.
“Fuckin’ hell. Ay Matt… M- Matt.”
Matt had mounted the table and was in the middle of eating applejack’s necklace thing. He could taste victory, literally.
“Matt you cunt, what are you fucking doing?” Doobie yelled
“What?”
“You fucking ate Applejack, remember?”
“Yeah, so?”
“Where do you think the fucking element is going?”
“Uhh.. My belly.”
“Exactly, where Applejack is, you daft cunt. Fucking hell you’ve ruined everything.”
Matt’s belly rumbled a little, then started to glow. This wasn’t good.
Matt’s stomach bulged and he heaved, vomiting out a large glob of cheese like slurry and the element of honesty’s necklace. The blob reformed and turned into a yellowed and slightly green Applejack. She quickly backed away from Matt and hid behind her friends, her necklace glowing.
Doobie looked at the six elements of harmony, all injured or crippled in some way and all emotionally scarred but all very much alive. They had failed to even murder one of them even after eating one. Twice. This would not stand.
Doobie’s face contorted into a look of pure world destroying rage, his horn sparking, crackling with anger fueled power. The six elements looked shocked at his ability to generate so much power using only his raw blinding rage and were not willing to find out what would happen when he decided to use it.
They lined up and aimed their necklaces at Matt and Doobie, Spike hiding in the corner not wanting to take a side between his new friends and his old. Beams of light burst forth from the elements and joined to form a rainbow beam, heading straight for the two.
Matt regained attention long enough to fire a death ray of his own and Doobie released a detonation spell unlike anything he had ever conjured, the air around it sizzling and the room heating up. The death ray and the detonation spell combined to form a beam of pure hatred and power, colliding with the rainbow beam of friendship. The two connected and fought against one another but the elements of harmony were clearly gaining ground fast. Doobie was sweating and screaming obscenities so vulgar even Matt was offended as his horn adopted three overglow layers and his eyes under his shades turned red and bloodshot from the exertion.
Matt poured all of his fantastic might into his death ray but it simply wasn’t enough to combat the power of the elements. All of this power had to go somewhere. Twilight saw that the connection between the two beams could snap at any moment and ignited her horn, putting a forcefield around her friends and Spike.
The beam snapped and disconnected, the elements of harmony blasting into Matt and Doobie. Matt looked down at his hooves as they turned grey and started to convert to stone. He had only milliseconds of thought before his and Doobie’s spells both backfired on them, Matt’s death ray killing them both instantly and Doobie’s super detonation spell completely decimating everything in a half mile radius.
As the smoke and ash cleared all that remained in the colossal crater were several outlines of where buildings once were and a small forcefield which deactivated as Twilight collapsed into her chair. Never before had she had to protect herself and her friends from a blast or spell at all that was that powerful, it was extremely lucky they took most of the force of it. They all made their way slowly out of the crater, heartbroken and scarred as they looked at the devastation two ponies could bring into their world but relieved that it was finally over and the two monstrous ponies were dead.
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Doobie and Matt both opened their eyes. The last thing they remembered was a beam of light and then darkness, just after trying to kill the elements of harmony. All around them was nothing but fire and dark stone as well as a pony with a flaming mane and tail in front of them.
“Gentlemen. Welcome to Tartarus.”