//------------------------------// // Chapter 3: Old Merc Deadpool // Story: Deadpool Kills the My Little Pony Universe // by iamthemithras //------------------------------// Chapter 3: Old Merc Deadpool "So... what ah we gonna do tomorrow?" "... I don't know. Any ideas, Scootaloo?" "Nah... I got nothing..." The soft voices whisked around the dark room echoing silently from a corner. Three little fillies, wide awake were lying still sharing a large bed brainstorming on what their next adventure would be "Golly, we prob'ly done everything we could think of" the voice came from the yellow filly on the side of the bed. She slumped her head to her pillow, her red ponytail mane bounced to her side "... I reckon we may be outta options here girls" "Let's not give up too easily Applebloom! We always figure out something every time we sleep over at your house" the higher pitched voice came from between the two. In the middle, the curly haired white filly held her left front hoof to her chin "hmm... how about snow sledding?" "Sweetiebelle, we already did that last winter" the orange filly on the other side of the bed leaned to the window beside her in response, her rugged purple mane swept disappointingly "Remember before Winter Wrap-up? We almost ran over Applejack. And besides, it's not even winter now" The three little fillies sighed in unison. Every day the trio always tried every different sport they can think of, hoping any of them will grant them their cutie marks... they never spent a day without trying a single idea. If they can't think of anything in the morning, they spend the night together at Sweet Apple Acres hoping to conjure an idea before sleeping. They always were able to think of something in the end every night... this maybe not one of those nights Applebloom yawned, her eyelids lowering slowly by reflex "Ah'm pooped... maybe we just ought a sleep tonight girls.." "Yeah... maybe we should... I’m sure we'll think of something in the morning.." Sweetiebelle lowered her hoof and her gaze, releasing her thoughts for tomorrow "Goodnight girls" "G'night Sweetiebelle" Applebloom shut her eyes close and rested her shoulders on the soft mattress "G'night Scootaloo" "Goodnight everyone" Scootaloo just stared outside the window, her body somewhat resist the need to tire itself out tonight. It's maybe because she's more worried than the other girls, apparently she doesn't like the fact that the Cutie Mark Crusaders weren't able to do anything today more than the other two... but she knows she needs her energy for tomorrow, if the girls are positive that they'll think of something tomorrow then she might as well be as optimistic as them. She continued to gaze outside the window, halfheartedly observing the path to Ponyville. There are a lot of trees covering the view to Ponyville, she can't see it from here but the way to town was curved around the large forest - not too large but enough to make the path to the farm somewhat almost three kilometers long, a very very long way which is probably good considering the fact during season the line waiting for the Apple family's cider would reach Ponyville before even the princess would raise the sun. She should fall asleep any moment now... she always feel drowsy when things are uncool... she should feel VERY tired now... any moment now "... huh?" Scootaloo nudged Sweetiebelle beside her with her gaze fixed outside "Girls, girls... I can see something in the forest" "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH!! -- OLD MERC DEADPOOL FOUGHT A FARM - EEYYA EEYYA YYOOOOO!!" Deadpool was walking on the way to wherever the yellow pony ran to. He felt all better now, he knew all that Anger Management thing is all bullshit - the best way to release your anger is to express it! Jack Nicholson has nothing on him, he's even singing to the tune of some nursery rhyme - completely uncaring of the possibility he might wake up someone this time of the night "AND ON THAT FARM HE DROPPED THE BARN - EEYYA EEYYA YYOOOO!!" He dropped the little rabbit he killed on the ground a while back. Rabbit innards apparently isn't very disgusting - or the other animals' innards actually, even the bear. Sure they look as gruesome as you'd expect but they didn't stink as much as let's say his own apparently vital organs. It's true you are what you eat, hack open a vegan and a regular person and anyone will know what he means. Still, it is a bit annoying to be covered in animal guts and blood... but he guess if he's gonna be a mobile slaughter house, he might as well look the part. "WITH A HACK HACK THERE, AND A SLASH SLASH THERE -- KILLED THEIR ASS -- SPREAD SOME BLOOD -- DIDN'T GAVE A FUCK, FUCK!" In the distance, he finally saw Ponyville... his guess anyway. All he could see was the top of a few buildings, a few roofs looks like it was designed from a merry-go-round. They should erect a sign somewhere here, something like 'Ponyville - Population: Soon to be zero, Primary Export: Animal corpses, Joint property of Zynga and Facebook' You know this story is old when the joke is Zynga owns anything at all. Don't forget. "OLD MERC DEADPOOL FOUGHT A FARM --" [[EEYYA EEYYA YYOOOO!!! HAHA! that song is funny! I like it!]] The voice of an unlucky excited little girl sprang from behind our lead singer. Disrespect his musical genius will she? Deadpool swiftly unsheathed his two swords, a new record time probably, and turned to his back to express his -- HOLY MOTHER OF HELL FREEZING OVER WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?! "HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU?!" "Pinkie Pie! wait! don't go too fast!" a half sob and shout came from Fluttershy, catching up to Pinkie Pie five feet away from her Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie raced to Golden Oak Library as soon as she broke the news to her. She just can't take it anymore, with all the running for her life and the shock she had to endure tonight all she wants to do is rest. Pinkie Pie obviously has more energy than her tonight... then again she has more energy than anypony else all the time. "Hurry Fluttershy! We can't waste any more time, we have to warn Twilight about this!" Pinkie turned to her friend, not stopping her trot to the library "We have to go as fast as we can! We're in a whoooole lot of trouble today!" her pink frizzy mane swept resisting the static current of the wind she's buzzing through. "Pinkie!.." she inhaled a strong amount of wind "Do you know what's going on?" she tried to scream towards Pinkie between tired breaths. Pinkie didn't answer her question and just retreated her head from her direction. Something about Pinkie feels weird today, but she's too tired to think of it any further. Finally they reached it! Golden Oak Library! Pinkie never felt this a huge situation than anything they had before, she'd just rush inside Twilight's room for all she cares right now but that probably wouldn't be very nice. She just had to resort to screaming and pounding on the door tonight. "TWIIILIIIIIGHTT!!!! SPIIIKE!!! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!" Pinkie was screaming louder than usual, but this isn't a happy-excited-giggling-over-the-top kind of scream - this was a scared-of-an-imminent-danger-more-scary-than-anything-they-faced-before scream! and what's even more terrifying is she never screamed like this before! "TWILIIIIIGHT!!!! WAKE UP!! EVERYPONYYYY!!! WAAAKE UP!!" Fluttershy finally caught up with Pinkie Pie, but her body really can't take it anymore and just gave up right there. Her hooves lost their strength and her consciousness faded as she take a step towards the library. Her body finally got it's much needed rest. "TWIIILIIGHT!!! EVERYPONY!!!" "What?! what?! What's going on?!" The door opened to reveal a frantic sleep-deprived purple baby dragon shouting in response to the screams. His baggy eyes centered on the pink mare, looking even more stressed than he is "Pinkie Pie, what's wrong? What happened?!" "SPIKE! We need to wake up Twilight! It's a very very big emergency!!" the pink mare entered the library while she darted her head to each direction, looking for the lavender mare who could help her fix all this "I'm awake Pinkie, and probably the rest of Ponyville too - what's wrong?" a lavender alicorn mare descended from the stairs leading from her room upstairs. Her head raised with poise, her hoof steps descending with grace she doesn't even look tired from her interrupted sleep. She has only been a princess for a while and already she's getting the hang of royalty. Her voice resounded with concern and stature almost in total contrast to Pinkie. Twilight is a natural at being a princess.. The lavender newly-formed alicorn wasn't actually asleep but studying with a new batch of books from Canterlot's Royal Library. Even after being crowned a princess she has no intention to leave her friends and decided to stay in Ponyville, a decision Princess Celestia knew would be made. Hearing Pinkie Pie scream below, she turned over to see Spike instantly awake by the first barrage of noise. She didn't even told her assistant to go down stairs, all he did was turn to Twilight in response and rubbed his eyes and by the second scream he quickly ran downstairs. She went and followed him below, the sleepiness instantly making it's kick in her when she stopped reading. "TWILIGHT, IT'S HORRIBLE! FLUTTERSHYTOLDMETHATANGELBUNNYTOLDHERTHATTHERE'SAMONSTERONTHELOOSEANDITKILLEDZECORAINTHEEVERFREEFORESTANDTHENITWENTTOFLUTTERSHY'SCOTTAGEANDTHENTRIEDTOKILLFLUTTERSHYTOOBUT--" "--WAIT! STOP!" Twilight interrupted Pinkie before she could say anything else. Pinkie is talking too fast for her to understand most of what she's saying, but something she heard struck the mare even more so than Pinkie's unexpected visit "Did you say something... killed Zecora?!" Pinkie nodded her head. And that moment Twilight and Spike's face drained of their color, their jaws involuntarily lowered, and their eyed grew centered on the Pink earth pony, their appearance out-stressing hers. "A monster killed Zecora and its heading straight to Ponyville, Twilight!" A monster?... killed Zecora? "And Fluttershy also said that the monster killed her animals too!" A... monster... "And also that the monster killed Angel bunny!" A MONSTER KILLED ZECORA Deadpool was staring at the most terrifying thing he's ever seen so far. Living with a zombie-human-hamburger-mug like his made him sure that there's nothing more pants-shitting than his own face, except maybe seeing him in the nude but this thing looked like as if all the messed up shit in his head pledged their allegiance to Satan and tried to manifest itself into one of the cutest thing you know to purposely fuck with your childhood That cute little girl voice sure did squat to make this thing appear child-friendly! It looks like the love child of a threesome with Beelzebub, a girly pony horse, and the scary as fuck girl from The Ring, only this thing has the fuckiest eyes he's ever seen. It's actually less like eyes and more like empty sockets giving it a carcass feel but inside those sockets he swears is the spirit of all the nightmares deep within the recesses of everyone's consciousness. Deadpool is now sure he apparently still has a soul because he can almost feel that thing sucking it from his chest with its hollow eye-holes and possesses one of the most ironic name ever. "...P-Pinkie Pie?.. You're n-name is fucking Pinkie Pie?" [[That's right! but other people call me Pinkamena or Zalgo Pinkie. Any will do, I’m not particularly choosy with my name]] Pinkie Pie? if somebody thought this thing is cute and decided to give it a name like that, he's afraid of whatever that someone thinks is terrifying! It kind of resembles the pony he chased before in shape, but this thing is bloody red all over its body with a darker hue of long straight mane - this actually looks like a demon or something and somebody thought to name this Pinkie Pie? What in the actual fuck? [[I can help you. You see, you and I are VEERRRYY alike]] "Forgive me for not thinking of myself as someone who feeds on people's nightmares, but help me? Really?" {{It's true. I can feel her essence is not unlike mine}} [[Eeeyup! Your guide is right, me and him are almost the same entity!]] "Wait, hold on - you can hear him?" {{Yes, she can hear me. She won't harm you, we both want the same thing... similarly at least}} [[Allow me to explain everything --]] Deadpool then lose his vision, like something blinded him and - oh wait, he can see again. That was fast. But he's not near Ponyville anymore but some... demon dimension or something. There's nothing here save for a school chalkboard placed in front of him with Pinkie Pie on the side wearing frame-less glasses and holding a stick pointing it to - wait a minute how can that thing hold a stick? it doesn't even have fingers it's just a regular pony hoof... anyway, Deadpool is apparently sitting on a school chair too small for comfort. There's nothing else to mention except that the floor is red all over the place and the scenery is nothing but some distorted red and black shapes. [[You see Wade, this is the Universe... or the universe here where you are now anyway]] she's pointing to a white small dot on the center of the board [[It aaall started with this special toy intended for little girls: My Little Pony!]] She held down a retractable roll of paper attached at the top of the board, and it revealed a picture of a toy pony. Its design look very simple and yet detailed like it came from the 80's and beside it was a logo 'My Little Pony' it looked simple too, detailed with red at the edges and the letters themselves colored in pink [[You see, demand for the toys wasn't very high - but the guys in business has faith in this franchise, so they made a TV show on par with the toys]] The picture on the paper transformed into a girly drawing of several eighties era ponies, and the logo 'My Little Pony' plastered at the top [[The show - surprisingly was a HUUUGE HIT. but more like a one-time millionaire because for some reason demand started to dwindle again.]] The picture transitioned into several styles of old era ponies, all plastered with the logo 'My Little Pony'. Deadpool was getting bored and is beginning to lower his gaze on the figure [[And it went on again and again and again and again, they even made a movie once when the love for the franchise was noticeable - but not high, and still extremely looooww.]] The picture on the paper faded out, revealing nothing on the rolled paper. Deadpool suppressed a yawn, wow the classroom aura really took its place on him, he actually thought to himself he can't wait for recess [[Several years passed and the higher ups practically gave up on the idea. They were through! The most they could hope for is to at least be able to sell the toys and bags and pencils and pencil cases and notebooks in their warehouse just so they can empty it... demand for My Little Pony dwindled and dwindled and dwindled...]] the demon mare's voice was lowering to the tone of disappointment [[The doomed universe would finally to be able to fade away... you see, when universes like ours lose attention from their progenitors, they begin to fade away. For a universe to completely disappear in existence, there has to be absolutely NO ONE to care for them!]] "... must... stay... awake..." The large rolled paper on the chalkboard rolled itself back to the top, again revealing the white dot on the center before. The sound managed to gain a part of Deadpool's diminishing attention span [[Everything was going well! until SOMEPONY had to -- I mean, SOMEONE had to have a flash of genius!]] she then pointed to the white dot on the center of the chalkboard [[THIS - is the first My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic universe! It's the show you're into right now, here, in this show, is where you are, but not particularly the first universe but still!]] "Teacher, may I go to the bathroom?" [[... ... ... okay!]] the creepy mare gave a wide grin before a large sound of static entered Deadpool's ears when he felt the demon mare enter his subconscious... Do not forget "AAAAAAAHHHH!!!" the inconspicuous face of the demon pony invaded his vision, the vision of her accompanied with static overshadowed his entire consciousness. He felt lost in space as if he's floating in his own world, her non-existent eyes impale themselves on his apparently legit soul. It was a few seconds of this terror but it's apparently enough to make him urinate all over himself. His heart was beating furiously as he look below himself in shame "DON'T DO THAT! YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK!... n-not t-that I can't g-grow another one if it e-explodes!" The blood-red pony just giggled in response [[Silly Wade! This lesson is important right now and will be crucial to your development as a person - no, really! but do tell me if the need to go wee-wee or poo-poo comes up. Do you still feel the need to go to the bathroom?]] "NO! n-no, i-i feel all fine now, thank you for a-asking ma’am." he faced back to her direction with his attention skyrocketed all the way up on the topic at hand, eager to not get another experience like that. [[Good. Now this -]]she pointed her stick again to the white dot [[- is the first universe of this show. sustained by only a few episodes, which is expected but there came an unnecessary massive amount of information explosion around the end of the first season of this show -]] the white dot on the center immediately sprang several short lines from all directions, the ends of which sprouted white dots identical with the one on the center [[- the demand, the interest, the hope, the love gradually grew in size! being more popular than any of its predecessor universes, thus creating additional universes!]] the dots on the chalkboard continued to extend lines and sprout white dots all expanding from the center [[People began to take genuine interest, not just little girls - grown men and women adore the franchise and with it made their own stories]] the board just continue to fill with white chalk, not stopping even for a moment [[With every episode, the multi-verse just kept expanding. With every convention, the multi-verse just kept expanding. With every fan animation, the multi-verse kept expanding! With every comic, the multi-verse kept expanding! With every fan fiction the multi-verse kept expanding! The multi-verse kept expanding! The multi-verse kept expanding! The multi-verse! The multi-verse! The multi-verse! Expanding! Expanding! Expanding! To the point that it continues to keep expanding forever and ever and ever embedded to its progenitor - never to fade away...]] The chalkboard was completely covered in white, with absolutely no vacant space for white chalk dust to occupy [[any questions?]] Deadpool was staring blankly at the chalkboard. Admittedly, nothing of all she said entered his mind but he shook his head as soon as he mildly heard a gibberish of 'any questions' a reflex every grade schooler learn at a young promising age [[GOOD! I was born into one of these universes]] she pointed at a random spot on the board [[I started out as a simple Pinkie Pie almost exactly the real Pinkie in every way!]] "Wait - hold on, what do you mean the real Pinkie? are you a fake Pinkie? what's the real Pinkie?" [[VERRY observant of you, Wade! Tell me, do you know what a creepy pasta is?]] "The only pasta I know is the one you cook into spaghetti. No, I don't know what a creamy pasta is" The mare only giggled at him [[You are very silly!... No... I was not born to look like what you see me now, this is a result from a gift given to me! Someone birthed me with the skill and desire to kill my fellow ponies and use their body parts as ingredients for my desserts - most notably my cupcakes]] "Wow. Well, totally not one to talk here. Although the thought of eating my kill will probably only come up if it's say a mutant chimichanga... otherwise, well..." [[OOOH! I love chimichangas!]] "Really?" [[Yes! I even once thought to mix it with cherries and wondered what it would taste like. What should I name it even? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Chimicherrychanga? I never did figured that out.. but anyway back to the topic at hand. That universe extended into several universes but since I’m a being - like you - also gifted with the ability to 'break the fourth wall' I was able to work around my adjacent universes and explored wherever I want.]] "You mean like what I did with my adjacent universes? Except instead of just killing everyone you're killing everyone and THEN turn them into maniac fodder?" [[Yes! Very good Wade, you are performing well in this class! I feel so proud of you!]] "I feel like going vegan" [[Haha! anyway, long story short every universe I explored has improved me in some way. Like the consciousness of whoever created those universes sent their darkest energy towards me. In some universes I don't kill ponies like I used to. Actually, I can't explain what I really do! What I did to you earlier before you wee-weed on yourself is called a Jump Scare, it's one of my many special talents. I can't explain to you the rest of what I do, it's an air of mystery thing]] "I feel sick... like I never want to eat another taco ever again. To think that what created you is a creamy pasta - what, am I gonna find out soon a creamy pasta or a shiny taco is what created the evil voice in my head and ate my two other? ... Hey wait a minute here, where were you able to eat a chimichanga anyway?" [[And that concludes our origin lesson!]] Deadpool was blinded again with darkness "AAAAAH!!! Sweet vision how I treasure you so, more than ever! return to me and give me sight beyond sight! oh, thanks" He looked around him and noticed that he's surrounded by trees again. "What the? Am I back in the forest? you little douche! why'd you sent me he--AAAAH!!" he turned to his side and saw the demon mare dangerously close to him, trying to suck his soul again. She held a hoof to her mouth, signaling him to quiet down... maybe? this thing doesn't have an index finger [[Shhh! be quiet! I don't want you waking up everypony!]] {{Pinkie Pie. Go explain to him how we got here and why we're here}} Deadpool shifted his head around as if the source was somewhere other than inside his head "Go tell me? Are you telling me you knew all along why we're here?" [[He didn't know at first. I told him earlier.]] "You did? but I didn't hear you-" [[I was the one who brought you here Wade.]] Deadpool fixed his gaze on her, for some reason it still feels like his soul is being sucked {{She was the presence I felt when we were in the abyss. She pulled us here to destroy this universe. Theoretically, we landed in the forest because it was the ideal place for us to sneak into this universe}} Well... this DOES answer a lot of questions.. except... "... But why? Why bring me here? You seem capable of doing it yourself, why did you dragged me here instead?" {{She never destroyed a single universe, at least like the way we have. She's not unbound like us, she doesn't have much freedom as we do}} "What? look, I’m getting tired of not understanding a lot lately" [[Explaining things can get boring and I’m very bored now really. Just look at it this way, you get a step closer in destroying all of fiction, and I get to finally see for myself a universe being destroyed! It's a win-win for both of us, see?]] "Okay, just one last question" the demon mare raised her pony ears, ready to listen "Why do you want to see this universe destroyed?" [[Because it'll be fun, silly!]] Around this world, there's only one thing that can really harm him. One thing that would stop him from continuing his quest to give the sell-out corporations and writers the big fuck you from all of literature. The Elements of Harmony. Real scary name, wooo. but she and his guide assured him that that was the most powerful weapon in this world, capable of either destroying him completely or sending him away from this universe making his first job is to disarm it. The wielders of the elements are six ponies all with their respective element: Applejack for the element of Honesty, a strong farmer pony that lives in Sweet Apple Acres on the other side of Ponyville. Fluttershy for the element of Kindness, she was the pony Deadpool stumbled on the cottage earlier.. apparently he already fucked up when he lost her because the cast from National Geographic went psycho and tried to kill him, now he probably doesn't have time before she warns the others. Rainbow Dash for the element of Loyalty, physically this would be a challenge to kill seeing is that she's a very fast flier capable of breaking the sound barrier in seconds. Best approach would be stealth, preferably while she's asleep - the problem with that tactic would be getting on top of the sky on her home which is basically just a bunch of clouds morphed into a house. Rarity the element of Generosity, should be easy to kill, no other comment. Pinkie Pie - the totally non-demon version as the element of Laughter. Hmm, someone definitely isn't into jokes when they decided to spawn the demon Pinkie Pie from a creamy pasta - into sane jokes at least. And lastly, Twilight Sparkle the element of Magic. A newly crowned princess, there's little limit on what she can do because she's basically that - the element of Magic. She probably could conjure a meteor shower for all he knows, best try to avoid as possible if you value keeping your vital organs intact. The evil Pinkie Pie brought him to a forest in front of Sweet Apple Acres, the most logical choice would be to kill Applejack, since her farm is conveniently located at the other side of Ponyville - well away from Golden Oak Library where Fluttershy most likely went to. In theory, if one wielder of the element dies the power of the other elements would be nil thus the Elements of Harmony would be impossible to execute since only the full power of the elements would be able to successfully summon it. In theory anyway, there's a possibility that a wielder of an element could be replaced by another - very unlikely to happen - but still a possibility or that the Elements of Harmony could be summoned even without all the elements in power. Basically the gist of what they explained to him is that the universe might act cheap or something because that's just how stories work, even more if the audience demands it - something comic book characters are all too familiar with, one of the reasons why he's killing the multiverse in the first place. There were a lot of trees to pass through on the way, but the path the demon gave him was right. There it is, Sweet Apple Acres. It looks peaceful, nothing much to describe the place except for a large red house, a tilled plot of land on the side, Apple trees all around behind it, and a fence because property is property. This may suggest that occupants are a bunch'o red necks "... huh?" Scootaloo nudged Sweetiebelle beside her with her gaze fixed outside "Girls, girls... I can see something in the forest" Deadpool just stood there. Well, here he goes. He takes a deep breath and casually walked towards the red house "... oooohh - Old Merc Deadpool saw a farm..." The Elements of Harmony, huh? "eeeyya... eeeyya... yyooo..."