//------------------------------// // Chapter 3 // Story: The Ghost with the Most // by Equestria Buck Yeah //------------------------------// Their creepy guest finished licking the last of his fingertips as the group strolled through town. Strangely, Beetlejuice's unusual form didn't seem to bother the rest of the townsfolk as much as the Crusaders initially believed it would; he got a funny look or two as the Ponyvillians tried to decipher who may be under what they thought was just a bizarre costume. When he'd use his magic, on the other hand... "Beej?" Sweetie Belle asked. "Uh huh?" "Did you really have to set Berry Punch's roof on fire?" "Hey, can I help it if you need a source of heat to cook s'mores the right way?" "No, but then you let the rest of her house burn to the ground." "Yeah, you said you weren't going to hurt anypony," Apple Bloom added. "There was nobody home at the time, so what's the problem?" "What's she supposed to do now?" the tiny unicorn fired back. "Oh, let her call her insurance company. Now where's this princess of yours?" A mirror popped into his hand and he looked over his face and head. "How's my hair look? Festering enough?" Scootaloo and her friends exchanged a glance and shrugged, unfamiliar with the term. "Uh, yeah! Looks...great!" "I am a sexy beast, aren't I?" he muttered. Blowing himself a kiss, he tossed the mirror aside and looked just down the road to where a decent-sized group of ponies stood, a dark one in particular about a neck taller than the others. Beside that one was another creature, even more unusual looking than Beetlejuice himself. "What's going on over there? That her?" "Uh huh. Looks like Discord is visiting too," Sweetie Belle said. "You mean that funny looking thing?" "Yep." "Looks like a mad scientist's wet dream. How many abominations did they have to kill to put him together? Actually, you think he has a spare ass hanging around? Mine's got a hole in it, hahaha!" Apple Bloom sneered, quickly tiring of all the crude jokes. "Do we really need to hear such things?" The ghost continued to ramble, unconcerned about the filly's pleas. "Y'know, I wonder if this princess of yours is just like the ones you always heard about in fairy tales. So fresh, so pure, so...virginal, hehehe," Beetlejuice said, rubbing his hands together and grinning devilishly. "Uhhhh..." "Time to go say hello!" And in a flash, Beetlejuice disappeared. The trio stared blankly at where their guest stood just a second ago. "Y'know, I'm starting to wonder if this was a bad idea," Scootaloo finally spoke up. "Uh huh." ----- Luna and Discord stood at the heart of the crowd, chatting with the costumed denizens. The princess listened to numerous stories the children told about some of their Nightmare Night antics while the Spirit of Chaos handed out various conjured treats. So far, he was pleasantly surprised at how enjoyable the night was up to that point. Playing pranks and stirring up some tame scares – tame for him, at least – was actually kind of fun. He was still getting used to being thanked and welcomed warmly by the townsfolk, but all things considered, it could be a lot worse! "Here you go, little one. Hope you enjoy!" he said with a genuine smile. Seemed his friendship with Fluttershy and the growing relationships with her companions had tempered him pretty well. "Candy corn?" the little colt moaned. "I assure you you'll like it. Go ahead, give it a try!" He sneered at the blasphemous treat, but eventually sighed and took a bite. His eyes lit up when the flavor assaulted his tongue. "Hey! It tastes like a caramel apple!" "Told ya!" "Thanks, Mr. Discord!" "You're quite welcome, kiddo," he said, ruffling the colt's mane. As Discord moved onto another youngster, a burst of light brought forth an expected visitor, startling the candy corn recipient to the point where he started choking on his goodie. The draconequus snatched up the little one and patted his back, jarring the candy loose. "You okay?" The colt coughed but nodded. Discord set the young pony down and turned to the source of the disturbance. "Seriously, what in the world was..." He stared curiously at the unusual specimen in front of him. "How's it hanging, Picasso?" it asked. "Well, there's something you don't see every day." "What is, Discord?" Luna spoke up, having been facing the other way. "If I saw it every day, I'd think I'd know what it is." The Princess spun about and got a good, long look at the...unique striped thing smiling rather widely at her. "Err...touché." She stepped forward, a crooked smile eventually finding her face in spite of the very noticeable stench suddenly in the air. "That's quite the interesting costume, friend. What might you be?" As if the roads were made of ice, Beetlejuice slid over to Luna and scratched her chin with a single, intrusive finger. "How about I stop by your place tonight and I'll tell you, sweetcheeks?" "Excuse me?" Before she could say another word, the dead man spun around her, taking quick, approving peeks at random parts of her body. "Hmm, not bad, not bad. Sure, I can see this happening." "What are you doing?" Luna suddenly felt something yanking at her misty tail, exposing her...more private areas. The crowd let out a collective gasp at the scandal unfolding before them. "Y'know, you kinda remind me of someone from this angle." "How dare you! What is the matter with you?!" the Princess screamed, glaring five types of death at the pest. "Beetlejuice!" Apple Bloom hollered, the Crusaders finally having caught up with their dead companion. Horror was written all over their faces since seeing the Princess' nethers flashed in front of the town wasn't exactly on their agenda for the evening. "Ah ah! No saying the B-word." "You can't do that! That's the Princess!" "Hey, I haven't heard her tell me to stop yet," he correctly countered. "Let go of my tail this instant!" Before she knew it, he was standing beside her, an arm casually draped around her neck and his cheek against hers. As he started to ramble, one of his hands sucked itself into the cuff of his jacket and poked the tips out of Luna's ethereal tail, the decaying fingers scanning around to see if it had been spotted. "Look, sugartits–" "Sugartits?!" Mid-rant, a scent caught his nose, and he sniffed at the air. He followed the smell to the ground where he spotted something skittering toward some candy that a child must have dropped. "Ooo, one second." Like a cat pouncing on a mouse, the deranged spirit attacked and captured a roach in his grip. He stood back up, wrapping his disfigured arm around the Princess once more and taking a bite out of the insect. Every stomach nearby tied itself in knots as he happily munched on his prey. For a moment, Luna could have sworn she heard a tiny voice screaming for help right before Beetlejuice started eating the poor thing. "I really hope that was chocolate," Discord quipped. He offered the Lunar Princess the last half of his meal, but she was too frozen in disgust to say anything. Not really caring either way, he shrugged, threw the rest of the crunchy bits down his throat and let out a proud belch. "Whew, sorry, I was starving. Haven't eaten in about seventy years or so. Anyway, sure, tonight's all about you and we got the whole night ahead of us, but let's face it. I'm a guy with needs, you're a girl who probably has needs, so why don't we just cut to the chase and go someplace real quiet-like, alright? Or if you want, we can give these people a show! What do you say?" Beetlejuice's inane questions were punctuated with a sudden slap!, shocking not only the Princess out of her nauseated stupor but everypony else in the vicinity as well. As hard as she tried to keep her composure, Luna could feel her face quickly burning up with rage. "My mating habits are nopony's business! And did you just...spank me?!" Flabbergasted at such insinuations, he backed off and presented to her his hand – and a handless arm – which would undoubtedly prove his innocence. "What?! No! What are you talking about?" When his little wandering friend popped itself back into place, he shot the furious mare a clearly innocent smile. A vein started to throb on her forehead. "You retched, lying...nnngh!" Feigning desperation, he put on his most pathetic-sounding voice. "Hey, do you have any idea how long it's been for me? It's inhuman! I mean, come on, have a heart! And if you don't have one, here," – he suddenly plunged a hand into his own chest and dug around only to pull out a black, sludge-covered organ – "you can have mine. Hahahah!" Amused with making Luna's skin crawl while simultaneously breaking a part of her brain, he tossed the thing over his shoulder, unconcerned that it happened to land on a nearby unicorn's horn with a loud, wet 'splitch'. "GAH! Get it off, get it off!" "Ugh, get away from me, you disgusting thing!" she yelled, puffing out her wings and blasting him with her magic. It hindsight, it was probably a bad idea frying a corpse to a crisp, but such things can't be helped sometimes. "YAAAAH!" A woozy moment later, Beetlejuice shook off the burn marks and wiggled his fingers at the Princess, grinning deviously. "Mmmm, feisty! I'm gonna enjoy corrupting you!" Shocked and enraged that her initial assault was ineffective, she snatched him up in her telekinesis and flung him at least three or four blocks away. "AAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh............!" While Luna fumed, the Crusaders sprinted up to her, praying to Celestia that she wasn't going to send them to the moon or something equally deserving. "We're so, so sorry about all this, Princess!" Apple Bloom muttered before dashing away. "We'll, uh...go check to see if he's okay." "Gotta run!" Even though the girls were out of sight in the blink of an eye, an utterly floored Luna still tried getting their attention. "Children, wait! You know that pig?!" Seeing that her words were wasted, she sighed. It was only when she noticed Discord barely containing his laughter that the mild relief she felt changed back into annoyance. "What's so funny?" Between giggle fits, he managed to say, "It's just...the audacity of it all! Never would have imagined anypony would have the sheer amount of brass to do such a thing to you, haha!" "Well, I'm not amused." "No, you're right, you're right. I apologize. At least he has good taste, look at it that way." "Um...thanks, I guess?" "Just, um...one other thing," he continued as he wiped a tear from his eye, "that part he said about being a guy with needs and all..." She lifted a suspicious eyebrow. "Do you think your sister would be more swayed by such influential words than you? I mean, I only ask because–" "MMMMMMMMPH!" "What?" ----- The Crusaders ran down the street in the general direction Princess Luna tossed their lecherous companion like a rag doll. After calling out for him to no avail for several minutes, a loud, pain-addled groan got their attention. Trotting past a broken statue, a splintered bench and a torn-up patch of dirt, they finally found Beetlejuice crashed up against a tree, the only thing seemingly damaged being his ego. "Hey. Are you alright?" Scootaloo asked, offering to help him up but ultimately being denied. "You stupid bitch!" he screamed as he dusted himself off. "Who needs ya?! You wouldn't know a good thing if it fucked you anyway! ...Yeah, she wants me."