//------------------------------// // The Campaign for Extra Trixie // Story: The Campaign for Extra Trixie, and other unlikely experiments // by Impossible Numbers //------------------------------// What Is The Campaign for Extra Trixie? See the great and noble land of Equestria. Citizens walk the streets of the fresh, clean pony towns, completely free from any worry of crime or ravenous creatures. The three races have united long ago in the name of harmony, and all is ruled by the all-powerful, all-benevolent Princess Celestia. A beautiful picture, one of equine completeness and fairy tale purity. But all these smiles are fakes; for there is one crippling flaw behind the appealing veneer of joy, and that is… They are not celebrating the Grrrreat and Powerful Trrrrixie! For far too long, mundane cookie-cutter canter-arounds have wearily trod, trod, trod upon millions and millions of boring, dusty paths. They are very pretty for the scenery and make a fine colourful audience, of course, yet not one unicorn among them is a patch on the most spectacular and arresting pony to have ever existed! Still, instead of worshipping her and building temples filled with suggestive statues of her, they merely shuffle about dead to the wonders of the Great and Powerful Trixie. This Campaign for Extra Trixie intends to correct that oversight. Who is the Great and Powerful Trixie, we hear you ask? Silly filly – if you have to ask, then there’s no hope for you. The Campaign also wishes to decree each province in Equestria a Non-Twilight Zone. Some of our more enthusiastic members have dubbed this the Sundown Shutdown, but her Greatness and Powerfulshipness wishes to make it clear that she distances herself from any such bowdlerising, and considers the rhyme schemes so far beneath her notice that her restraining order against them reaches its boundary at the antipodes. Can You Describe The Campaign In Detail? The Campaign for Extra Trixie demands that every episode of My little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, is rewritten and reshot with Trixie as the main lead. There will be no supporting characters, and no Elements of Harmony – Trixie will not be needing them. How Do I Recognize The G&P Trixie? As far as visuals go, you should expect a light blue unicorn with slightly curled ends to her mane and tail and a cape with plenty of stars on it. The brooch is of an octagonal turquoise, claimed from the eye of the giant Gemstone Spider Crab of Seashell Seller Shore during her epic battle against the Hydra. Incidentally, there has been a lot of confusion over this vis-à-vis her account of the Ursa Major confrontation, as some adherents claim that the Hydra mentioned is actually the constellation Hydra – the largest known – and not the four-headed monstrosity more usually found at Froggy Bottom Swamp. The mainstream opinion – arrived at through much rational debate and a strong desire to avoid irrational debate, or at least a desire not to get any chairs broken and upset the caretaker – is that she fought both of them, as well as a flesh-eating sea pony, a swordfish fleet, thirty poisoned mackerel, and a small furry lobster that kept nipping her ankles at the ice cream stall. Visuals, however, are largely redundant, as you will recognise her immediately from her distinctive call, which is said by audiologists to be the loudest sound in the animal kingdom. It has been said that the call of the rare G&P Trixie can, in a low wind, be heard from a distance of over five miles, though unreliable accounts put the distance at eighteen lightyears – give or take a parsec. For this reason, many Trikkies have hypothesised that Trixie’s call is actually part of an Equestria-wide communication network between the entire population of G&P Trixies, much like whale songs are said to travel through the ocean to the other side of the world and reach other communicating whales in other oceans and back. For this reason, a few of the more committed adherents have speculated that there may be more G&P Trixies out there, waiting to be discovered. She traditionally travels in a small gypsy caravan, though this hasn’t been sighted for a while. The G&P Trixie assures us that this is because the original was destroyed in a gross act of vandalism inflicted upon her by The Hated One, though in her graciousness (and for insurance reasons) she has declined from pressing charges. What’s A Trikkie? A Trikkie is any pony who admires the G&P Trixie. It is hypothesised by many doctors of philosophy that the entire world consists of Trikkies, though it often appears by normal means not to be so, and that any non-Trikkie pony is having an existential crisis, or at least will get a financial crisis if they get found out by the New Happy Sect of Trikkies. Am I A Trikkie? Not yet. Why Not? You have to sign the form first. And pay a small fee. There also used to be a painful and embarrassing entrance ritual you had to perform before joining, but our lawyers say we can’t do that anymore. Besides, we still can’t get all the skid marks off the carpet. OK. So This Trixie Is A Magician. So What? Most Unicorns Are. Her resume onstage includes rope-charming, rainbow twisting, lightning summons, instant dyeing, and what we have affectionately dubbed the cloud of vanishing charms. Plus, Trixie has fireworks. You can’t top fireworks. Her offstage achievements are currently being compiled and rewritten for an upcoming epic pony movie trilogy, but it’s currently in the development underworld of Tartarus because, so far, we’re still trying to raise the thirty billion bits for Trixie’s platinum-engraved director’s chair. To put it in her own words: "The Great and Powerful Trixie performs feats beyond imagination." Considering Some Of Her Customers, She Could Tie Shoelaces And That Would Tax Most Of Their Creative Mental Faculties To The Limit. Hey, Trixie would make putting shoes on awesome. One Last Thing: Who Is The Hated One? Nopony. Oh, Really? Pull The Other Three. No, really, she’s nopony. It was Trixie who passed for the exam to Celestia’s School for Exceptionally Gifted Unicorns, who found the Elements of Harmony and vanquished Nightmare Moon, who went to the Gala and defeated the Ursa Min – I mean, the Ursa Major (and no, it wasn’t invited to the Gala, too, we’ve heard that one). It was Trixie who banished the red and the purple dragons from Equestria, who rid Ponyville of those para-thingies (delayed by a book signing, of course), who performed the sonic rain-boom (both of them), and who won the Ponyville talent show in all three categories. Trixie, who became the well-known fashion model Fluttershy, who restored peace between the Appleloosans and some cow-headed guys, who defeated Discord, broke the want-it-need-it enchantment cast by the Hated One, brought Luna to good graces, cured Cutie Pox, saved the world from a threat that wasn’t shown onscreen, and secretly acted as all four Mysterious Mare-Do-Wells. Anypony who says Twilight was involved is merely indulging a spelling mistake.