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I’ve stared down a cockatrice as it started to turn me to stone. I’ve stood up to a Minotaur with very noticeable upper body strength. I’ve even scolded a full grown Dragon one time. I’ve done some other things that sound brave or amazing.
So why am I so nervous?
I reached out to Discord and became his first true friend. I opened my heart to him. We’ve been dating for awhile now. There isn’t a whole lot that we don’t know about each other. I really feel that he might even be the one that my heart has been waiting for.
So why am I scared?
I try to hide my fear as I lean into him. The simple aroma of a mellow tea does not exactly calm my nerves. The flames dancing across a few logs in the fireplace don’t take my mind off my worries.
The truth is that he could have anypony he wants. The truth is that all of my friends can give him something that I just can’t. He sometimes talks about how things used to be before Celestia’s reign and Twilight Sparkle could talk for days about any kind of history. He appreciates the sometimes random appearing nature of…well…nature and Applejack is a farmer who practically lives on predicting weather. If Discord decided that the weather didn’t suite him then he could change it and Rainbow Dash does that for a living. Despite his chaotic appearance he can display a very high amount of gentlemanly refinement and Rarity would be all over him for it. Discord is the Master of Chaos. His only equal in bending reality to his will is Pinkie Pie. They could have so much fun together.
And yet…he gives his heart to me. I guess I shouldn’t question it. He wouldn’t be here if he didn’t want to be. He wouldn’t be with me if he wanted to be with somepony else. He wouldn’t be softly running his paw through my mane if he didn’t like me. He wouldn’t let me snuggle against him if he didn’t want me to.
So why am I still nervous?
I guess it’s just my nature to worry. I like simple. I like calm. I enjoy quiet.
I like things that appear to be the opposite of what he likes.
And yet here we are in my home watching a fire while our tea sits forgotten on a table. I inch further up his body and I faintly hear his heart. He’s calm so why can’t I relax?
He gently starts rubbing my back and I can’t help but wonder why he’s still with me. Is it because I’m the only pony who gives him time? Is it because my other friends don’t want a relationship? Is he here on my couch wishing it was somepony else’s couch. Does he wish that it was somepony else’s back he was caressing?
Another thought crosses my mind. I won’t be around forever, but he might. Twilight is an Alicorn now. She could have as many days left as he does. I can’t give him eternity, can I give him enough?
He gently wraps an arm around me and snakes his body in a twist and stretch that I don’t notice at first. I’m on my side now with him behind me. The back of my head rests against his long pony like neck and I start to finally calm down.
He wants to be with me. He chose me. He could have anypony he wanted and he wants me.
A certain subject I’ve been trying not to think about creeps into my head like a spider. Thinking about the spider doesn’t really distract me.
I push back into him and more of his body heat seeps into me. He holds me a little tighter and gently kisses the top of my head. We’ve been together for awhile now. He…I think he wants my body…
Rainbow and Applejack are more toned physically. They both probably have much more…stamina than I do. Pinkie is so free spirited that she may…be more open to…different things. Twilight has read so much about so many things that she could probably write her own books about…well…sex; and she’s probably never…well…had it before. Rarity’s element is generosity so it would be natural to assume that she…is a generous lover.
I…I do sometimes think about us…like that. I actually like the idea of consummating our relationship that way. We’ve both said ‘I love you’ so it’s not like we’d just be…well doing that without it meaning anything. I have fantasized about us…sharing our bodies underneath the sheets.
I guess I’m afraid of disappointing him. What if I don’t match up to his fantasies? What if he’s disappointed? What if I’m…well…boring in bed?
I try to bottle up my worries. It’s not like it has to happen right this moment right?
I focus on the fireplace. I breathe in more vapors from our neglected tea. I can hear Angel softly snoring all the way across the room in his favorite spot. I think about how long it took for Angel to finally warm up to Discord being part of my life. It took him longer to accept us being in a relationship than any of my friends. He would get so upset whenever Discord accidently startled me.
His paw moves across my chest and rests over my heart and my mind snaps to the here and now. I wonder what he’s thinking about. I wonder if I’m misreading the signals. Maybe he doesn’t want to get that physical yet. Maybe he’s just happy holding me. Maybe it’s enough for him to be lying next to be.
Maybe he’s not sure how to bring it up. Sometimes it’s like he absorbs my shyness when we’re together.
Of course usually he has a sharp burst of confidence and drive. It’s just a matter of when.
I take a deep breath as my head races over the subject again. I know he loves me. I know he wants to be…with me. I know that I share these feelings. I know that I would like to be…having intercourse with him.
So why am I nervous?
I turn my body so that I face him. My chest meets his and I look into his non-matching eyes. I grab firm hold of myself as I offer a simple smile. I lean into him and our lips meet. I’m excited and terrified at the same time. How does he do this to me? We part from the tender gesture of love and I softly utter four words.
“Take me to bed.”
His expression changes abruptly. He looks worried. It’s like I suddenly told him about all my insecurities about the subject. I pause as he does. He doesn’t say anything to pressure me. He doesn’t take the green light and grope me right then and there. He just asks me a question just as soft as my recent statement.
“Fluttershy…are you sure?”
I’m still nervous. I’m worried that I won’t…be enough. At the same time I’m excited. It’s like we’re about to go on an adventure together. Despite how afraid I am…I want to do this…well not anything…too adventurous I mean. I nod my head and kiss him again.
My more assertive side takes control for a moment.
“I want us to make love.”
Just as soon as my confidence perks up it’s gone and I go back to my usual self.
“That is… if you’re OK with the idea of…us I mean…in bed…together in that way…It’s OK if you don’t want too…I’m sorry…I put you on the spot just now…”
His smile returns and I stop. He could have anypony he wants and he’s choosing me. He stands up while taking me in his arms. Instead of using magic to send us to my bedroom he carries me upstairs. I nuzzle his chest softly as we ascend the stairs. I…I’m not so scared now…
We get into my room and he gently places me on the bed. I slowly crawl under the blankets and leave them open for him. He climbs in next to me and gently pulls me against him. The warmth of his body…his heartbeat next to mine…his…everything…
I close my eyes and halfway climb onto his body and I realize how tired I am. No matter how much I want this my body starts to scream with fatigue. I want to scream myself to be honest.
Quietly into a pillow anyway.
He gently caresses my body as I lie there. I’m kind of mad at myself to be honest. I just barely offered myself to him in the most physically intimate way I can think of…and I’m feeling tired…
I just feel so safe and warm next to him. I’m surprised that I didn’t fall asleep on the couch downstairs. I just never realized how late it had gotten. He softly strokes my mane and kisses my head. I try to fight a yawn and try harder to steel myself for a night of passion.
“Maybe we should sleep together before we decide to ‘sleep’ together.”
His usual mannerisms make me smile again. He’s not upset or disappointed… there isn’t a place he’d rather be…he really is happy holding me like this…
He’s OK with somepony like me…
I inch around and get more comfortable as I look into his eyes again.
“Maybe…if you still want to…we could…make love tomorrow…if you want to that is…”
He squeezes me softly and I mentally curse my shy demeanor.
“Only if you still want to my dear. It could be tomorrow, next week or ten years from now. I’ll wait for as long as you need me to.”
I shed a lone tear of happiness. We’re not having…sex…yet we’ve reached a new level of intimacy.
I gently hug his chest as sleep starts to overtake me.