Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
The smoke gray pony cracked an eye open. 8 o’clock. Time to get up. Offering a convincing counterpoint was his comfortable bed and warm blankets. He shut his eyes, but as much as he willed it to stop, the incessant beeping of the alarm clock wouldn't allow him to fall back asleep. Finally conceding defeat he crawled out of bed and walked across his room to the infernal clock and shut it off, slightly rougher than was absolutely necessary.
He briefly considered going back to bed but that would defeat the purpose of putting the alarm clock all the way across the room. Besides, his stomach was growling. Breakfast beckoned.
After a quick shower he sat down to a heaping bowl of Haulin’ Oats cereal. A muscular earth pony smiled back from the box, implying that if you ate this cereal every day you could be as strong as him. He poured milk over the ‘only breakfast cereal made from wholegrain oats’ and started reading the day’s newspaper.
The top headline on the front page read Feather Flu Outbreak: Pegasi Urged To Stay Home. He was immune to the feather flu so he skipped to the comic pages. Getting a chuckle from Garfield he held his breath as he turned to the personal ads. He let his breath out slowly as once again his ad had gone unanswered. He sighed. Sure, all the mares claimed they wanted a mysterious, tall, dark, and handsome stallion but when one actually showed up they were too intimidated to show any interest.
He finished the last spoonfuls of cereal and tipped the bowl up to his lips, chugging the now sugary milk. A trickle of milk ran from his mouth and he wiped it with his hoof. He shredded the paper and dumped the confetti chunks into his cat’s litter box. “Fluffy?” There was no answer, so he scooped a fresh can of cat food into her supper dish.
His morning routine over, he opened his front door and inhaled a deep breath of the fresh Canterlot air. Summer was over and there was a chill to the wind. Nightmare Night was fast approaching, and that was always his busiest time at work. He unfurled his leathery wings and took off into the cool night sky.
To say that Shining Armor was not having a good night would be an understatement. Princess Celestia had personally requested he come to Canterlot from the Crystal Empire to temporarily resume his position as Captain of the Royal Guard. He had been surprised by the request, doubly so when he arrived in Canterlot and discovered the guard at only one third of their normal strength.
“What happened?”
“Feather flu. Almost every single pegasus in the Royal Guards is out for the count with it. We’re still trying to figure out how we had an outbreak. It started with the guards and quickly spread to other pegasi in the city. Thankfully, we’ve managed to contain it to Canterlot, even though we had to quarantine the city and put a travel ban into effect. We don’t need this to spread to Cloudsdale or Las Pegasus.”
Shining Armor nodded at the briefing. “So I need to figure out how to run the Royal Guard on a skeleton crew. And with almost no air support.”
“I wouldn’t have called you in if I didn’t have the utmost confidence in you.”
“I know, princess. Still, this is a daunting task.”
Shining Armor sat down at his old desk and started revising the week’s work schedule. All non-pegasus reservists had already been moved to active duty. That still left some gaping holes in coverage. He finally caught a break when he was informed that Star Catcher had caught the feather flu as well. With one of the royals confined to bed he could reduce her personal detail to a pair of unicorns to guard her chambers and could add the rest to Princess Celestia’s guards.
Looking at night shift staffing, he realized that none of the thestrals would be affected by the feather flu. With mandatory overtime, perhaps he could fill in the gaps after all.
Deuce Pain’s eyes shown in the moonlight as he landed on the castle grounds. His wings retracted to their resting position as he trotted towards the castle gate. He took his place in line and waited patiently until a unicorn guard could perform a security spell on him to ensure he was not a changeling in disguise. The process took longer than usual and as he waited he overheard some of the second shift guards explaining what had happened.
Deuce felt a sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach. He had the least seniority amongst Luna’s guards, so he was positive he would be among those reassigned. Sure enough, when he checked the schedule he found a note asking him to see Shining Armor immediately.
“You wanted to see me, sir?” Deuce saluted.
Shining Armor returned the salute. “Deuce, long time no chat.”
“Indeed sir. It was a lovely wedding. The real one, anyway. We miss you.”
“I miss all of you as well. But I’m afraid we don’t have time for pleasantries tonight. I’m assigning you to Prince Blueblood’s guard detail. You’ll be working a double shift tomorrow. Sixteen hours on, eight off, and then another sixteen on. I hate to make overtime mandatory but we’re desperate.”
“That’s okay, sir. Anything for Equestria’s safety. And I can always use the extra bits. So what does guarding Blueblood entail?”
“Keep the dang fool from hurting himself or causing damage to other ponies, property, and Equestria’s reputation.”
Deuce blinked. “Come again, sir?”
“Blueblood’s a drunken fool. It never used to be this bad, but he’s gotten worse over the last year or so. Now he spends the bulk of his time in bars and the biggest hazard to his health is his big mouth.” Shining Armor motioned towards Deuce’s imposing frame. “You’re the most qualified to keep him out of trouble.”
“My dad was a bouncer. I know a few tricks.”
“I remember well.”
“Hey, it’s not a bachelor party unless there’s a brawl. Cadence never did find out about that, did she?”
“No. Chrysalis had already replaced her by that point. Besides, Princess Celestia let her think Spike was in charge of planning that party. But that’s why I know you’re the pony for the job. You’ll be handling this solo as I need all the unicorns elsewhere. I’ve made arrangements for a guest bed to be set up in Blueblood’s private chambers. Even when you’re off duty, I want you on duty. A guard will be posted at the door on your off hours but, well, it’s going to be one of our reservists.”
“And they don’t have the training or experience the rest of us do.”
“Exactly. But it’s not a hard job. Your biggest challenge will probably be not killing him yourself.”
“Duly noted.”
“Go home and get some sleep. Your shift starts at 8:00 tomorrow morning. Dismissed.”
The annoyed thestral returned home to find that in the hour he had been gone Fluffy had emerged from her hiding spot, eaten her food, and disappeared once again. He sighed. It was going to be a long night. As much as he had hated getting out of bed earlier this evening he had gotten a good day’s sleep so returning to slumber wasn’t going to be an option. With luck he could catch a catnap before morning broke, but if not he would be facing the prospect of a long day tomorrow.
He made the short trek to Donut Joe’s for a late night pastry. Thanks to a partnership with a griffin chef, Exceptionally Exquisite Éclairs were now available at Joe’s for a limited time only. Deuce had taken a liking to them, and was hoping they’d stay on the menu permanently. That was entirely dependent on how well Joe’s doughnuts fared in the Griffin Empire. Early indications looked promising that this partnership would continue.
“How do you do it, Joe?”
“Do what?”
“I swear you’re here every time I stop in. It’s like you live here.”
“Well, actually I do have an apartment over the shop. But I only work night shift. I spend all night baking fresh pastries and delicious doughnuts…and éclairs.” There was a bit of contempt in his voice as he said the last one. “Then my morning shift of pretty young mares comes in and I get to go sleep. You see me all the time because you only come in at night.”
“I never thought of it like that. It makes sense. I just figured you worked mornings since that’s probably the busiest time of the day.”
“I used to, a long time ago.” Joe motioned for Deuce to take a seat at one of the tables and then sat across from him. “Back when I first opened I worked eighteen-hour days and almost burned myself out in the process. But the first few years of a business are crucial to its long-term success and I was so far in debt I couldn’t afford to hire anypony on except a few part-timers. Once the business was in the black I finally hired a few full-timers and decided to stick to baking.”
“That’s what I’m talking about though. How did you manage working eighteen hours straight every day? And how do you manage staying up all night? Ponies are diurnal.”
“Yeah, I guess the thestrals have a natural advantage when it comes to staying up all night.” Donut Joe chuckled and pointed towards the front door. “See the bell up there? I used to catch short naps in the kitchen between customers. I still have a recliner in the kitchen though I don’t use it nearly as often these days. The bell’s loud enough to wake me up and if I come out from the kitchen instead of my apartment everypony just assumes I was busy baking.”
“The perfect plan! But that’s not going to work for me, unfortunately.” He explained what had happened.
“I can relate, bud. Time to let you in on my second secret: lots of caffeine. I’ve got a few brews I’ve come up with over the years. How’d you like to try one?”
“I’d love to!”
“Take your pick: I’ve got coffee, Prench vanilla, espresso, and latte.”
“Which do you think I’d like best?”
Donut Joe looked at him and pondered for a few seconds. “Coffee. Extra strong, no cream or sugar.” He started preparing the drink. “Would you mind grabbing the tray of doughnuts from the case?”
Deuce complied and by the time he got back to the table there were two steaming mugs of coffee waiting. One sip and Deuce Pain was hooked. “This is fantastic! Why don’t you offer this on the menu?”
“You really think there’s a market for it? The only other pony that’s tasted any of my blends is a unicorn by the name of Twilight Sparkle, who used to come in here a lot when her studying sessions ran late. Because the caffeine recharges you, I offered some to her as well. I asked her if she thought I should sell it but she was worried about potential health risks. Not that it stopped her from coming back for more almost every night. Now that she lives in Ponyville she stockpiles it every time she visits Canterlot.”
“And has she had any negative health issues?”
“Not a one.”
“There you go. Start selling it. Ponies will be lining up around the block for it. Starting with me!”
“All right, all right, I’ll set a pot of coffee out for the morning rush today and see how well it goes over.”
“Good. I’ll be back sometime this morning and that’s probably right around the time I’ll need a good jolt to get my second wind. Thank you.”
“Hey, no problem.”
Joe levitated a doughnut off the tray. “A plain doughnut. No glazing, icing, frosting, or creamy filling. A plain, boring old doughnut – my single worst seller, which is why I still have half a dozen left from yesterday’s batch. Not stale, but not fresh and no longer saleable. But just dunk it into the coffee and this tasty treat is saved.”
Deuce nodded as he stuffed his face with a coffee-soaked doughnut. This was almost as good as the éclair. Almost.
8 o’clock rolled around and Deuce realized he had never made time for that nap. He reported for duty and was immediately escorted to Prince Blueblood by his commanding officer, introduced, and charged with keeping him safe.
“So you’re guarding me?”
“Affirmative.”
“Looks like you’re a night owl too. We’ll get along fine. I’ve had a hard night of partying and I’m gonna go crash before my first appointment of the day. Wake me around 2 o’clock.” Blueblood collapsed into his bed and barely managed to crawl under the covers before passing out asleep.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
Between the ticking of the clock and the prince’s snoring, Deuce quickly found himself struggling just to stay awake. He had expected the busy life of the prince to keep him on the go for most of the day, relying on adrenaline to keep conscious. But just sitting here watching the sleeping unicorn was driving him up the wall. Years of military training kicked in and he managed not to fall into a state of slumber.
He had, however, slipped into a state of boredom. So he examined the prince’s bedroom for potential vulnerabilities. There were five possible entry points – two windows each on the two exterior walls and the door. The exterior walls were a full meter thick while the interior walls were only a third of that. The windows, on the other hoof, were stained glass with no reinforcements aside from a magical ward. That was relatively safe but a skilled unicorn could render the spell void.
As Deuce was only familiar with the parts of the castle Luna frequented, he was unacquainted to this particular corner of the castle. It was a reminder of just how big the royal castle really was. A peek outside one of the windows revealed the sun rising so Deuce quickly deduced that they were on the northeastern corner of the castle. Judging from the distance down to the ground, they were on the third or possibly fourth floor.
The castle was built into the side of the mountain and the eastern windows overlooked a steep cliff. There was a forest at the base made up of mostly evergreens and other vegetation that thrived in alpine environments. It would be nearly impossible for an earth pony or unicorn to climb that cliff without drawing the attention of the Royal Guards positioned around the perimeter of the castle grounds. However, there was always the possibility of an aerial assault.
From the northern windows the mountain climbed ever higher above them. While extremely unlikely anyone could climb above the castle unnoticed, there was heavy vegetation along the slope that would provide more than adequate cover for any that could. With all the natural protection afforded to them by the castle’s location any possibility of an attack was low. But that didn’t stop him from running various scenarios through his head to pass the time. Most were centered on the northern approach as he considered that the weakest link.
Eventually he was satisfied he had a plan for the most likely scenarios and glanced at the clock. It was only 11:06. He still had almost three hours to kill before he could wake the prince up. He couldn’t even sneak out to get some of Joe’s coffee.
He took the opportunity to review Blueblood’s schedule for the day. The princesses had long ago given up assigning him events before noon, and the earliest obligation he had was a late afternoon ribbon cutting at a wagon dealership. After that it was a charity dinner at an upscale restaurant, and finally a high society gala stretching into the wee hours of the morning. It was all busywork to keep him out of the way, but designed to meet the expectations everypony had for their rulers since the royal sisters couldn’t attend every event they were invited to.
11:22. Deuce was positive the clock was mocking him with its current reading. Surely more than sixteen minutes had passed since the last time he looked at it. He examined the offending timepiece, expecting to find that it had been made in Tartarus, but according to the copyright info near the bottom of the clock’s face, it had been made in Southeast Neighsia like most consumer electronics these days.
Slightly after noon a note was slipped under the door. Deuce immediately snapped it up, hoping it was urgent, or at the very least, a reassignment. Instead it was a note from the cleaning staff:
Is Prince Blueblood awake so we can clean? If so, please let us in. If not, please set the laundry in the hallway and we’ll come back later.
Deuce set the laundry in a cart in the hallway. The maid had already disappeared into one of the other rooms, likely used to the fact that Blueblood wasn’t awake for the day yet. He took a long glance down the hallway – none of the other doors were open. “Hmmn,” he thought, as he returned to Blueblood’s room. His heart started racing as he saw a beautiful pegasus in a Prench maid outfit. She was absolutely the most stunning mare he had ever seen.
Then it dawned on him – she was headed straight to Blueblood’s bed with a pillow tucked under one of her forelegs. As she reached towards the sleeping prince she raised the pillow as if she was going to smother him. With two flaps of his wings Deuce closed the distance between them and tackled her. She lost her grip on the pillow and the two landed on the floor as feathers, some from the pillow and some from the mare, floated around them.
The light blue mare had managed to land on top of Deuce and pressed her advantage while he was still dazed from the collision. She pressed her hooves around his neck as he struggled to buck her off.
“Ahem.”
The two struggling ponies turned their attention away from each other and toward the bed. Prince Blueblood was glaring at them both. “Far be it for me to interrupt a romantic liaison, but some of us are trying to sleep here. The other guards tend to use the guest room for such activities. Just put a plastic sheet over the bed first. I don’t need your commoner germs getting on my royal furniture.”
“She’s trying to kill me.”
“Well she’s doing a rather poor job of it. Generally when your goal is to kill somepony you shouldn’t make this much noise as it attracts undue attention to yourself. That leads to witnesses and a trip to the dungeon.”
The pegasus blushed a deep crimson at that thought. “I, uh… I can explain?”
“I really don’t care. Either kill him quieter or get out of my suite. I’m going back to bed.” He rolled over and pulled the covers over himself.
Deuce, meanwhile, stood up and dragged the pegasus to her hooves. Then he dragged her out to the suite’s dining room. He tied her to a chair and started interrogating her. “Name?”
“I’m not telling you anything.”
Deuce tapped a hoof on the table idly. “We can do this the easy way or I can charge you with attempted murder and treason and drag you to the dungeon. When convicted you’ll be lucky to spend the rest of your days in a dungeon. If you’re unlucky, well, you could swing for either of your offenses. Both of them? You better hope Princess Celestia is feeling especially merciful when she hears your case.”
“You expect me to buy that? The princess is against capital punishment – everypony knows that. She’s all about reforming bad ponies. So I get a thousand years stuffed in a rainbow or something to think about what I’ve done. And when I get out that jerk will be long dead and forgotten. Sounds like a win to me.” She glared at Deuce and said nothing more.
The seconds turned into minutes and Deuce finally stood up. “This is getting me nowhere and I absolutely detest paperwork. I’ll just wake Blueblood up again and let him decide what to do with you. He wakes up kinda cranky, but that’s okay. While I have yet to dig any shallow, unmarked graves I’m sure I can learn quickly.”
He opened the door to the prince’s bedroom and the mare hissed as loudly as she dared, “You win. Let’s talk.”
Deuce closed the door. “Excellent. Name?”
“Prism Glider.”
“Occupation?”
“You’re not going to believe me if I say ‘maid’ are you?”
“Nope. That outfit is not regulation. It appears you got it at a shop specializing in Nightmare Night costumes.”
“I did.”
“You’re not answering the question. It’s not too late for me to get Blueblood involved.”
“I’m Ploomette’s secretary.”
“Ploomette? As in Star Catcher’s sister, Ploomette?”
“Yeah.”
Deuce’s head swam as he pondered the ramifications of that piece of news. Star Catcher and Ploomette were descended from Commander Hurricane and first and second in line for the duchy of Cloudsdale respectively. Blueblood, on the other hoof, was the only known living descendant of Princess Platinum and was technically in charge of the city of Canterlot. Thankfully he had long ago delegated those tasks to ponies more responsible than himself. If either of the pegasi duchesses were involved this would throw Equestrian politics into shambles. “Does she know about this?”
“No. I can see you’re already thinking you’ve uncovered a conspiracy going all the way to the top, but I acted alone. This was a vendetta on my part.”
“Why?”
“Two weeks ago there was a party here at the castle. And the big jerk asked me to dance. I was so excited, I mean out of all the mares there a prince asked me to dance!”
“To be honest you’re quite pretty.”
“Aw, you’re just saying that. Anyways, he asked me to dance and all of a sudden I felt like I was a filly again. Here was my opportunity to finally be a princess! All I needed to do was get him to marry me and my dream would come true!”
“Oh no.” Deuce had heard the tales of Blueblood’s exploits over the years. There were hundreds of mares that had thought they would be his princess only to end up crushed when they realized he was an arrogant, self-centered jerk. “He didn’t…”
“No. Thankfully having worked here over the years I had heard the rumors about him. I just never believed they were true until it happened to me. I try to think the best about everypony.”
“While I admit that his behavior towards you was reprehensible, it hardly justifies your trying to kill him and me.”
“Oh, I wasn’t going to kill you. I was just going to render you unconscious. But he’s a predator and needs to be stopped. And with almost every pegasus down with the feather flu right now, what better alibi could I ever hope to have?”
“I’m afraid I’m going to have to turn you in.”
“I know.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Me too,” Prism replied as Deuce slapped a pair of hoofcuffs on her as the door to the kitchen creaked open.
“It's now 2:07 PM and nopony woke me up as they were supposed to. Why does it not surprise me to find you in here with your marefriend? I swear to Celestia it’s hard to find good help. Some assassin could have sneaked in and killed me while you were making out with her. You even have her in hoofcuffs, how kinky.” He turned to Prism. “I take it you finished ‘killing him’ successfully then?”
“Celestia, I hate him,” Prism muttered under her breath.
“Deuce, sport, I do believe I should warn you about this one. She’s a cheapskate. We went on a date a few weeks back, some fancy shindig; I forget what it was about. But she refused to pay for anything, which I think is quite unfair considering we all know mares make more than stallions.”
“I can see why,” Deuce whispered back to the light blue pegasus.
“Now that I’ve given you fair warning, I’m afraid I must request your help preparing myself for the day. Since we’re almost ten minutes behind schedule it’s going to take a miracle to get there in time.”
“But my prisoner…”
“You can finish your role-playing fantasy later. So uncuff her and let’s get to making me handsome.”
“Good luck with that,” Prism sneered.
“Don’t worry, he’ll have help, my dear. Now be a good maid and pick up that hairbrush and start working on my tail.”
“Me?”
“Yes, you. You’re the only maid in the room. You helped Deuce make me late and you’ll help him get me back on schedule. And to think, you were claiming to be a secretary a few weeks back. I saw through that, of course. I figured you were on the castle’s cleaning staff.”
Thanks to the tireless efforts of two ponies, and despite the tireless complaining of the third, they managed to get Blueblood ready in time.
“Are you still going to turn me in?”
“Actually, I think you’ve suffered enough. So I’ll cut you a deal: if you run over to Donut Joe’s and get me a cup of coffee I’ll forget what I saw.”
“Coughy?”
“Yeah, coffee. Here’s five bits – get yourself a cup too. Meet me at the new Studebaker dealership.”
“Okay…”
Prince Blueblood balanced an oversized pair of scissors in his left front hoof as he waved to the crowd with his right.
Meanwhile the dealership’s owner was droning on with his sales pitch to the several dozen ponies in attendance. “…from compact Larks to fully-loaded Packards, we have a wagon for every budget!” He turned to Blueblood and nodded, and the prince took the hint and cut the ribbon.
“I declare this dealership officially open.” Blueblood bowed. As the gathered crowd streamed towards the new wagons to check them out, the prince pulled the dealer’s owner aside and started talking to him.
“There you are!”
Deuce turned around and was happy to see Prism Glider. He was even happier to see the steaming cup of coffee she was carrying. “Thank you, Prism.”
“You’re welcome, uh, I never did get your name.”
“Deuce. Deuce Pain.”
“That sounds rather intimidating.”
“Dad was a bouncer. Major Pain.”
“Remind me not to mess with him.”
“Oh, there’s no worry of that happening.” Deuce turned away from the mare as a tear escaped his eye.
“I’m sorry.”
“It…it was a long time ago.”
Meanwhile, inside the dealership, Prince Blueblood was talking with the dealership’s owner. “Think of the advertising benefits of giving the royal family our own fully-loaded Packard wagon. Every time we show up for a function, everypony will see it and know that it’s the epitome of style and class.”
“I can’t just give wagons away.”
“Of course, if you’d rather see us riding in Cadillacs…”
“I never said that. I propose I give you a yearly lease. You can take the loaded Packard off our lot today and bring it back when next year’s models come out. With royal ownership, I can charge a little extra for it to offset the depreciation from your usage of it. If you want your own individual wagon, you’ll have to convince Princess Celestia to buy you one. Let her know I’ll cut her a good bulk discount if she does.”
Blueblood smiled and nodded.
“This coffee is pretty good,” Prism said.
“Yup. What flavor did you get?”
“Prench vanilla.”
“I haven’t tried that one yet. Is it any good?”
“Yeah, I could get used to drinking this.”
“Tell me about it. Tastes great and the energy boost is just what I needed. I was dragging there for awhile…”
“Good, cause you’re about to be dragging a wagon behind you. Hitch him up,” Blueblood said to the dealership’s staff.
“What?” Deuce asked as he was harnessed to a white, pink, and midnight blue three-toned Packard wagon.
“The royal family needs a wagon to arrive in at social functions, like the dinner we’re going to next. It would look incredibly common of us to arrive on hoof, don’t you think? So you get to pull while I test out all the features of this new wagon.” He smiled at Prism. “You’re welcome to join me if you’ll promise to ‘kill’ me too.”
“Don’t tempt me,” she replied.
“Suit yourself. Harness her up too.”
“I have to get back to my job…”
“And since you’re on the castle’s payroll, I’m pulling rank and ordering you to come along with me. I’ll even give you a signed note you can use so you won’t get in trouble with your boss.”
“Thanks…” She stared at the ground as the dealership ponies harnessed her to the wagon.
Deuce and Prism trotted up to the fanciest restaurant in Canterlot pulling Prince Blueblood’s new wagon behind them. Blueblood stepped out of the wagon and walked up the red carpet into the restaurant. “I’m here as the royal guest for Habitat For Equinity’s charity fundraiser.”
“Yes, they are expecting you. Please come this way.”
“Royal guest? Seems unlike him to not drop his name,” Deuce pondered.
“Star Catcher was supposed to attend. Blueblood’s a substitute. I’m supposed to be in there to make sure he doesn’t stick his hoof in his mouth. Can you cover for me until I can fly home and get changed?”
“I’ll try.”
“I’d ask you to stop him from saying something stupid, but short of duct-taping his mouth shut I don’t see how you could do so. Just try your best to limit the damage and keep him away from alcohol at all costs.”
“Got it.”
“Thanks!” Prism leapt into the air, her white-streaked light blue hair rustling in the breeze. For the first time Deuce noticed her cutie mark: a rainbow. He watched her until she disappeared into the Canterlot skyline and then hurried into the restaurant.
“Name?”
“Deuce Pain. I’m not on your list, I’m Prince Blueblood’s bodyguard.” He flashed his Royal Guard ID.
“If you are not on the list, you do not enter.”
“Like I said, I’m a bodyguard. Nopony lists their bodyguard on their dinner reservation.”
“If I had a bit for every time I have heard that line. We have our own security, so your services will not be required. I am afraid I must ask you to leave.”
“Listen, I’m going in and I’d like to see you stop me.”
“Oh, I shall not stop you. Brick Wall will stop you.”
“Yeah, they ain’t built a brick wall yet that can stop me.” Deuce turned and walked directly into something that had materialized next to him. Upon second glance, he had walked into the six-pack abs of someone. He craned his head up and saw a minotaur’s head towering over him. “Uh, you must be Brick Wall.”
The minotaur nodded.
“I bet you’re expecting me to leave now.”
The minotaur nodded again.
“You know, I think that sounds like a pretty good idea.”
The minotaur nodded yet again.
Deuce turned around, fluttered his wings to get airborne and then spun around in a roundhouse kick. He connected with the bouncer’s cheek but Brick Wall barely flinched. “Horseapples.”
Brick Wall was faster and much more agile than he looked. Deuce soon found himself sailing through the air upside down before crashing into a mailbox across the street.
Prism landed next to him. “See, this is how I know you’re not usually Blueblood’s guard. If you were, you would have bounced up, turned to me and said something corny like, ‘Special delivery. Sign here for the package. Open immediately.’”
Deuce groaned, and only partially from the headache he had acquired upon impact with the mailbox. “That’s horrible.”
“Come on, get up. You can come in as my date.”
Deuce rubbed his head and his flank. “Shouldn’t I be dressed fancier for that?”
“I brought along a change of clothes for you. This place has pretty high standards. I know this will likely come as a shock to you, but this is a restaurant where you don’t have to order into a clown’s mouth.”
“I hate you.”
She rubbed a feathery wing against his leathery wings. “I bet you say that to all the girls.”
“I never get the chance to. They all run away as soon as they see the batwings.”
“What? That’s horrible.”
“It’s a fact of life for thestrals.”
“Discrimination is illegal, and if you take it up with the princesses...”
“They can force businesses to hire me and to serve me, but they can’t do anything about personal biases. You can’t force ponies to be friends.”
A loud outburst across the street interrupted them. “You can’t throw me out of here! Do you know who I am?”
“Actually, your highness, we can. Since the last time you were here there were revisions to Canterlot’s penal code. We are well within our legal rights to remove a member of the royal family if he is creating a disturbance. Which you have done. Multiple times.”
“Oh no…” Prism gasped.
Deuce ran up to Blueblood. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t get past the bouncer.”
“Brick Wall? Aptly named, isn’t he? I have yet to have a security detail make it past him.”
“Wait, you want your security to get stopped at the door? But why?”
“You guys are sticks in the mud. Always trying to cut my alcohol intake. Well the joke’s on you, I’m sloshed! Ha! Let’s get over to the big sorry.”
“I think you mean soiree,” Prism corrected the prince.
“Yeah, that thing, sweet flank.”
“Excuse me?”
“Oh, don’t act offended, hot stuff.”
Deuce restrained Prism before she could hit Blueblood.
“Feisty. I like that.” He swatted her flank playfully as he unlocked the wagon. “C’mon, the party’s probably started without us.”
In actuality, the gala had yet to start. As they had left the charity dinner much earlier than anticipated, they arrived to the party almost an hour early. Deuce was pressed into service helping set-up the ballroom while Blueblood barked out orders that nopony paid attention to. At least until he found the bar was unguarded. He climbed behind the bar and helped himself to the contents while continuing to give directions. Since everypony had already tuned him out, none of them even noticed he was getting a head start on the festivities.
Prism had stayed behind at the restaurant to smooth things over with the charity, but had promised to show up later in the evening when she was done. Deuce found his mind wandering back to her constantly. It was the first time in years he had a crush on somepony, and it was an awkward feeling for him. The thousand years of Princess Luna’s banishment had been detrimental to the thestrals, and their numbers had fallen to only a few hundred by the time of her return. They had become so marginalized as a tribe they were no longer included in the traditional Hearth’s Warming Eve portrayal of the founding of Equestria.
Simply put, he knew every female thestral and there weren’t many singles amongst them. Theirs was the only one of the pony tribes to suffer from an over-abundance of males compared to females. He had even long since given up on finding a pegasus, unicorn, or earth pony mare to settle down with as they tended to avoid him. When he walked down the street they crossed to the other side. When he went shopping the other ponies would immediately head for the checkout aisles. Just by going in for a drink he could clear out a bar faster than a bad rendition of Neighl Diamond’s Sweet Maroline on karaoke night.
Even after a thousand years there was a lot of fear and distrust among the other tribes towards the thestrals. Despite the fact that they had been just as surprised by Princess Luna’s transformation into Nightmare Moon as the rest of them, they were forced to shoulder the blame for it since the princess was no longer in Equestria to face the general population’s wrath. As the decades turned into centuries that shunning had instead turned into fear. One of the most popular myths about them was that they were vampires who sucked the blood of innocent young maidens. The other popular rumor was that they were a cult that abducted young colts to sacrifice to bring back Nightmare Moon. The latter had abated somewhat since Luna’s return, thankfully.
As he was carrying a cello for the music ensemble he stopped in his tracks. It had gotten quiet. Since they had arrived Blueblood had been shouting out orders, but he had been silent for a while now. He had been so lost in his thoughts of Prism that he had forgotten to keep an eye on him. He felt a sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach as he scanned the room. The prince was nowhere to be seen. He made a beeline for the bar. If there was one place in the room he was likely to be, that was it.
He found a multitude of empty bottles, but no Blueblood. “Well, he was here.” The next logical place to check was the bathroom, but that was empty as well. Unless of course he was so drunk that he gone into the mare’s room instead of the stallion’s room. He flagged down the cellist he had helped earlier. “Would you mind checking the bathroom for Prince Blueblood? He’s had a lot to drink and he’s gone missing.”
“Certainly,” replied Octavia Melody. She opened the door to the ladies room and returned in short order. “No, he’s not in there.” She pointed down the hall and motioned for Deuce to follow her. Once they were out of earshot of the bathroom she continued, “He’s in there and three mares are in the process of beating him. I figured I’d give you the element of surprise rather than say it loud enough to announce your presence.”
“Thank you. I’m going in. But first…” Deuce picked up a bench and moved it next to the bathroom door. “After I go in, shove this against the door. Make sure no one leaves,” he whispered. He took a deep breath and kicked in the bathroom door.
A white unicorn spoke up, “Oh thank the stars you’re here, darling! Please tell me you’re with security!”
“Uh?”
“What my friend is trying to say is this creep burst into the bathroom here and started hitting on us. So we, uh, we hit on him a little bit. You know, with our hooves,” added a light blue pegasus with rainbow locks.
“Wheee!” The third member of the party, a pink earth pony, hopped around the bathroom.
“The poor dear was quite obviously drunk, which was fine and we all would have laughed about it, but then he got a little grabby.”
“Which is when I let him have it,” Rainbow Dash rubbed her chest.
“Do you three ladies have any idea who this is?”
“Why I do believe this is Prince Blueblood.”
“That would be correct. You’ve all assaulted royalty. This is a very serious crime.”
“Serious? I don’t do serious!” Pinkie Pie bolted from the bathroom, easily avoiding Deuce and leaving Octavia spinning in place.
“One would expect better manners from royalty,” replied Rarity.
“Not if you’ve been stuck dealing with him all day. He’s slimy, and I don’t doubt your story in the least. Just get out of here and let me deal with this.” He held the door for Rarity and Rainbow Dash as they left.
“Thank you, darling, and sorry to add to your workload.”
“I’m afraid talking to Blueblood didn't resolve my conflict with him.”
“I’m sorry, Rarity. I really thought that if you just sat down and explained things to him he would apologize for what happened at the Grand Galloping Gala last year.”
“That’s okay, Twilight. As it turns out I was able to let go of all of the pent-up rage I had been holding towards him in an entirely different way after he swatted my flank. A lady never resorts to fisticuffs unless absolutely necessary: to defend herself, to defend a friend, or to defend her honor. In this case, it was the latter.”
“And in my case, it was the second,” Rainbow Dash added. “Nopony messes with my friends.”
“I just kept kicking him cause Dashie told me he was a piñata. But no matter how many times I hit him no candy came out,” Pinkie Pie pouted.
“I can’t believe the three of you. I’m going to go apologize to him.”
“Oh, my aching head.”
“Welcome back. You’re incredibly lucky, you know that?”
“My head certainly doesn’t think I’m lucky right now.”
“Considering how much you’ve had to drink, that’s not surprising. And serves as exhibit A: by all medical logic you should be dead right now with as much alcohol as you’ve consumed tonight.”
Blueblood chuckled. “I’m barely even buzzed. My head feels like someone’s been using it to practice drum solos but that’s not from the alcohol.”
“Which leads me to exhibit B: you ran afoul of three of the Element bearers. You’re lucky you didn’t offend all six of them or you’d be spending the next thousand years or so as a fountain in the castle garden.”
“Prince Blueblood! I wish to apologize for the behavior of my friends. I’m not sure what you said to them but that was no excuse for them to assault you like that.”
“Twilight Sparkle? Is…is that you?”
“Yes.”
“When did you get hot? You were always the awkward, gangly geek. I don’t remember you having such a nice flank…”
SMACK!
Deuce facehoofed. “Look, I’m just going to save you the trouble and get Fluttershy and Applejack now. You may want to get into a comfortable pose, you’re probably going to be holding it for a long time to come.”
”Never been so enraged in my life…” Twilight muttered under breath as she walked back to her friends. “Now I know what pushed you girls over the edge.”
“Is he okay?” Fluttershy asked.
“I’m sure he will be. I only hit his head so I couldn’t have caused any lasting damage.”
“Coffee?”
“That would be great,” Deuce replied, wiping his eyes. By this point he had been awake over twenty-four hours. The adrenaline had kicked in and he had gotten his second wind but he was starting to feel the crash again. Then it dawned on him who had addressed him. “Prism! You made it!”
“A little late, but it took longer than anticipated to smooth things over with the Habitat For Equinity ponies. How’s the foalsitting going?”
“So far he’s managed to get beaten up by four mares.”
“Impressive even for him. Care to dance?”
“I’d love to but I’m still on duty. Unless you can find him a dancing partner I can’t be out on the dance floor.”
Prism scanned the crowd looking for Blueblood’s type: naïve, starry-eyed mares with self-esteem problems. She spotted the perfect mare and trotted up to her. “Excuse me, but Prince Blueblood requests your company for the next dance.”
“Me?” asked Fluttershy.
“Yes, you. Now come along.”
Her friends could only watch in shock as Prism dragged Fluttershy to the waiting prince.
“If he so much as touches her, I’m gonna hogtie him.”
“Great, that’ll make it easier for me to rip out his spine and force feed it to him.”
“Rainbow, dear, that would be an effort in futility. You see he lacks a spine to rip out.”
“Okay, here’s the deal. I want to dance, and I can’t do that if you don’t. So Prism has found you a dance partner, and you’re going to treat her like a lady. You’re not going to touch her inappropriately and no innuendos. You got it? 'Cause I swear to Celestia, if you ruin this dance for me I’ll help the next mare who wants to kill you dispose of your body.”
Blueblood gulped and nodded. Prism pushed Fluttershy towards him. “Prince Blueblood, allow me to introduce Fluttershy. Fluttershy, this is Prince Blueblood.”
Deuce and Prism danced next to Blueblood and Fluttershy, while Rarity and Rainbow Dash danced on their other side, ready to pounce at the slightest provocation. But for the first time that day, things were uneventful. The dance went smoothly, Fluttershy thanked Blueblood for a lovely time, and Deuce and Prism enjoyed each other’s company. The party started to wind down and the guests left one by one.
An ominous shadow fell over the group as they were leaving. Deuce turned around, dreading whatever was about to happen. For the second time that day he found himself craning his neck to look up at someone. This time it was an irate giraffe. “Can I help you?”
“No, but your buddy there can.”
“Now what did he do?”
“I was told he’s the one responsible for this,” the giraffe replied, as she waved a few empty bottles of liquor in front of the group.
“I may have gotten a bit of a head start before the bar was officially open for business… But I would love to take such a fine young giraffe such as yourself out to dinner. Are you by any chance available on Tuesday evening?”
“You’ve tried that on me in the past. You ‘forgot your wallet’ leaving me to pay for everything while commenting incessantly on my flank. I’m kind of hoping you forgot your wallet again tonight.”
“Actually, I did. But I have another proposal for you. How about double or nothing?”
“I’m listening.”
“You versus my bodyguard Deuce. He wins; I pay nothing for my drinks tonight. You win, he covers my bar tab, and reimburses you for our date.”
“Those terms are agreeable. Let’s rock and roll, batboy.”
“The name’s Deuce Pain, and your pain’s about to be doubled!”
Battered and bruised, Deuce walked towards the parked wagon with Prism and Prince Blueblood right behind him.
“And I….will always love you…” Prince Blueblood swatted Deuce on his flank.
“What in Luna’s name do you think you’re doing?”
“You’re my bodyguard so I thought I’d sing the theme to that Whitney Hooveston movie…”
“First of all, Dolly Hearton’s version is better. Secondly, never do that ever again.”
“Aww, that’s the problem with you, Deuce. You’re always so serious. Loosen up a bit!”
“You’re loose enough for the three of us. Every time you ‘cut loose’ I end up with new injuries. Up until tonight I had never lost a fight to a bouncer and today I’ve managed to lose to two of them.”
“Not surprising. The bars all upgraded to bigger bouncers once it became legal for them to forcibly remove me from their premises. No offense, but normally I have an entire entourage of security guards with me. It takes bouncers a lot more effort to dodge pegasi packing punches and unicorns wielding magic simultaneously. One pony, no matter how big he is, isn’t going to impress them these days.”
“So I noticed,” Deuce said as he rubbed his head. He winced as his hoof hit a bump. “Though I think I made an impression on that giraffe.”
“If by ‘giraffe’ you mean ‘the plaster on the wall’ I’d say you’re quite right,” Prism said, poking him in the ribs. “An impression that will remain there until they renovate again.”
“Look on the bright side – you’ll be able to fight the next bouncer easier now that there are fewer bits in your money pouch because you won’t be carrying around all that extra weight,” Blueblood said, grinning.
“Has anypony ever told you that you’re a jerk?” Deuce asked.
“You wound me.”
“Not yet. But if you start singing again all bets are off.”
“Everypony’s a critic.”
“So why the charade?” Deuce finally asked the question he had wanted to ask for several hours.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You slip out of character just often enough to let your real personality shine through.”
Blueblood sighed as he faced Deuce. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a good mare? Equestria has a shortage of stallions; last I checked the ratio was skewed 2/3 female to 1/3 male. So two girls for every guy.”
“And yet, here we both are single.”
“Ah, yes, but for very differing reasons. The mares are scared of you. You’re unknown, dark, and mysterious. The unknown breeds fear. Fear breeds contempt. It’s not fair in the least but that’s where you stand at the moment. Of course it looks like you’ve found somepony who sees the real you but I’ll remind you she didn’t pass my own tests so I would be wary of her nonetheless.”
“Tests?” Prism wheeled around to face him, scowling. “What tests?”
“You can’t possibly think I’m that arrogant, that oblivious, or that cheap.”
“Uh…” Prism blushed deep red.
“Or perhaps my acting is finally improving. Celestia knows I’ve had the practice by this point. Any mare that comes up to me has a very short time to convince me that she’s not actually planning on marrying me to achieve some fillyhood fantasy of becoming a princess. As the only male prince there’s only one option for that fairy tale to have a happy ending and it’s not one that ends happily for the prince. So I slip into jerk mode and it gets rid of them pretty quickly. Even the most persistent give up after three or four dates and most don’t even make it a full night.”
“I seem to recall you came to me, not vice versa.”
“I did, precisely because you weren’t all over me. That scored you points off the bat. I figured that a few years working for the pegasus duchesses had possibly cured you of any delusion that being a princess is all fun and games. Apparently it didn't as that was all you could talk about as we danced. I’m trying to find a soulmate, not eye candy that looks good posing next to me. I can hire models for that.”
Prism fumed but remained silent.
“Oh, I finally rendered you speechless. I think I like you better this way.”
“See, right there. That’s what I’m talking about. Why do you make them hate you?”
“Word gets out and it cuts down on the number of mares that throw themselves at me.”
“And the beatings?”
“A few years of intense physical pain will be worth it to find my one true love. And it doesn’t hurt that I’m also a masochist.”
“Ugh,” Prism grimaced at the thought.
“That’s right, sweet cheeks, I like it when you get rough with me.”
“Gah.” She shuddered at that mental image.
“And how does that make you feel?”
“Like… not hitting you.”
“Pity. There go my plans for the night.”
“So this is the coffee you two have been talking about all day?” Blueblood sipped from a cup of latte. “Not bad.” He stood up and walked to the counter. “Yo Joe, you got any more cream-filled?”
“Making some right now.”
Blueblood turned around, “Hey you guys want… heh, never mind. Joe, take your time.”
“So what do you think of day shift?” Prism batted her eyelashes.
“I have to admit, there are some perks.” Deuce dunked a doughnut into his coffee.
Prism nibbled a powdered doughnut daintily. “We should probably get dumbflank back to the castle.”
“Yeah, his next guard should already be on duty and is probably wondering where he is.” He looked to the plate of pastries and back to Prism sheepishly. “I’d treat, but thanks to Blueblood I’m fresh out of bits.”
“Oh, about that. It turns out the prince didn’t ‘forget’ his wallet today. He just misplaced it.” Prism laid Blueblood’s wallet on the counter. “I’m sure now that it’s been found he would want you to reimburse yourself for what he borrowed from you.”
“Where did you learn to pickpocket?”
“I’m just full of surprises. Would you like to see another interesting skill I’ve learned over the years?”
“Sure.” Deuce smiled.
Prism leaned over and kissed him.
“I could get to like that.”
“Me too.” Prism leaned her head against Deuce’s and sighed happily.