Discord peeked through the curtain, watching the audience take their seats. He let the curtain fall back into place and stepped back onto the dimly lit backstage. He took a deep breath and slowly exhaled.
Nervous, Discord?
The draconequis jumped straight out of his skin. Literally. It drifted back onto the stage like a leaf on the wind. It disappeared with a poof and Discord floated down from the rigging. Thankfully his skin was back on, but the zipper was still showing along his back. He raged, "For the love of chaos, Atomic, could you wear a bell or something? Surprises are supposed to be my thing."
Awww, did the widdle baby Discord wet himself? the author replied sarcastically.
Discord huffed and clicked his claws. In a flash he reappeared wearing a diaper, bonnet, and bib. He smugly replied, "Not yet, but I can if you feel like changing me."
Gross. You win.
"I usually do." He snapped his claws and returned to his usual self, but with an added purple tuxedo and bow tie. "So how many of these pony loving suckers did you con into showing up?"
Be nice, Discord. They're your fans too, the author chided, To answer your question, we have exactly fifty who are willing to put up with you for the next few minutes.
"Not too shabby. I guess you didn't screw up the last chapter too badly."
The orchestra below struck up the jazzy number that Discord had chosen for his entrance. He adjusted his bow tie. "My public awaits!"
Getting a running start, Discord fell to his knees and performed an extremely metal power slide through the heavy curtains. As soon as he took the stage, the crowd erupted into cheers. There were way more than fifty people here. The number was easily somewhere around two or three hundred grinning and cheering faces. That rat lied to me!
No I didn't. I was just going by the number of favorites. Who knows how many people are going to read this?
Discord kept his smile plastered to his face as the crowd cheered for him, but he mentally berated the author, enunciating every word savagely. You. Are. Not. Funny.
He stood up and addressed the crowd, "Good evening everyone! A little birdie tells me that you really enjoyed my last little foray into the world of Dr. Seuss. So by popular demand I bring you the second part of my adventure."
He reached both hands behind his back. In his lion paw, he pulled out a tall white and red striped hat, which he placed snugly on his head. In his eagle's claw, he held a small book.
"I'm looking forward to this;
I'm not going to lie.
Let's see how they like
Green Eggs and Rye!"
Discord flew through the streets of Ponyville until he ran into a familiar pink mare bouncing happily along. With a puff of smoke, he materialized in front of her with his arms spread wide calling, "Pinkie, my friend!"
He was slightly disappointed when he wasn't grabbed in a bone crushing hug and his ears weren't assaulted by Pinkie's happy laughter. He looked quizzically at the mare. She sat on the ground and glared at him with the most impressive pout he had ever seen. Even Sweetie Belle would have been in awe of it. Discord deflated. "You're still mad at me, aren't you?"
"Eeyup," Pinkie replied sharply.
Discord approached his friend carefully and said with utmost sincerity, "I'm sorry, Pinkie. I want to make it up to you. How about we have some fun?"
She stared at him suspiciously, but then broke into a massive grin and wrapped him in a tight hug. She cheered, "Oh, Dissy, you had me at 'fun'."
"Glad to hear it," Discord managed to choke out around her suffocating embrace. Seriously, his eyes were starting to bulge out. He slipped out of her grip and hovered above her. Discord whispered into her ear. He pulled away and performed a familiar ritual. He crossed his heart, flapped his arms, and covered an eye with his paw. He had made a sacred Pinkie Promise.
Pinkie nodded her understanding and said, "Okie dokie lokie, I'm in!" Discord whipped out a covered serving tray and balanced it gently on the mare's fluffy head. He gave her a conspiratorial wink and vanished.
Pinkie had a mission, and her target was one of her new friends. It was time to visit her pall Cranky.
Pinkie shot down Cranky's chimney. The donkey looked up from his paper just in time to see her blast out of his fireplace and somehow manage to land in the chair right across the table. She was covered from head to hoof in black soot, but she shook herself violently and it all disappeared, leaving her usual pink self. Except that she had a large covered serving tray on her head.
"Pinkie I am.
Pinkie am I."
Cranky shook his head and grumbled inaudibly.
That Pinkie Pie!
That Pinkie Pie!
She's so annoying
That Pinkie Pie!
Pinkie whipped the tray from its place atop her head and lifted the lid, revealing two green eggs and a piece of dark green toast.
"Do you like
green eggs and rye?"
Cranky returned to his paper and grumbled,
"I do not like them,
Pinkie Pie.
I do not like
green eggs and rye."
Pinkie stretched her left hoof impossibly far to reach the opposite corner of the room. Using her right she indicated the table.
"Would you like them
here or there?"
Cranky continued reading his paper, then replied,
"I would not like them
here or there.
I would not like them
anywhere.
I do not like
Green eggs and rye.
I do not like them,
Pinkie Pie."
Cranky cocked his head in confusion. Why am I talking like that?
Pinkie pulled out a fat bird which started squawking and ravaging Cranky's house.
"Would you like them
in a house?
Would you like them
with a grouse?"
Cranky leaped to his hooves and tried to chase the bird out of his house. When he finally succeeded, he panted,
"I would not like them
in a house.
I would not like them
with a grouse.
I would not like them
here or there.
I would not like them
anywhere.
I do not like
green eggs and rye.
I do not like them,
Pinkie Pie."
Knowing that he would find no peace at home, he decided to go for a walk. He walked down a dirt road that led to Sweet Apple Acres. The sweet smell of apples was just what he needed to calm his nerves. Pinkie leaped unexpectedly from the bushes and said,
"Would you like them
on the road?
.-- .... .- - / .. ..-. / .. / .- ... -.- . -.. /
.. -. / -- --- .-. ... . / -.-. --- -.. ."
(What if I asked you
in Morse Code?)
Cranky already knew she was crazy, but now she was making a bunch of nonsensical beeping noises! He wasn't sure what kind of code it was supposed to be, but he sure didn't like it. He brushed past her and continued on his walk. He called over his shoulder,
"Not on the road.
Not in your code.
Not in my house.
Not with a grouse.
I would not eat them here or there.
I would not eat them anywhere.
I would not eat green eggs and rye.
I do not like them, Pinkie Pie."
He reached the Apple family homestead, with no sign of Pinkie anywhere. He figured he would take a stroll through the west orchard, but suddenly the barn door slammed open and Pinkie stood there, waving her tray.
"Would you? Could you?
In a barn?
Eat them! Eat them!
There is no harm."
Cranky stormed across the farmstead and cried angrily,
"I would not, could not,
in a barn."
He charged forward through the trees until he was sure that the hyperactive mare could not catch up to him. He slumped against a tree and lowered himself to the ground for a short rest. Running from a crazed pink headache was tiring work after all.
Suddenly, a bushy pink tail cascaded from the tree above him, dangling the wretched food at eye level. Cranky heard a familiar voice say,
"You may like them.
You will see.
You may like them
in a tree!"
Crank shook his hoof at the infuriating mare and ranted,
"I would not, could not in a tree.
Not in a barn! You let me be!
I do not like them on the road.
Not even if you ask in code.
I do not like them in my house.
I do not like them with a grouse.
I do not like them here or there.
I do not like them anywhere.
I do not like green eggs and rye.
I do not like them, Pinkie Pie.
This insufferable rhyming was giving him a migraine, but he couldn't stop. Somehow it just spilled out on its own. Once again, he stormed through the fields as fast as his hooves could take him. Eventually, the orchard thinned and he stood on the edge of one of Ponyville's many beautiful parks. At least it would be beautiful, if a certain pink mare wasn't waiting for him on a picnic blanket with a tray of disgusting looking green eggs and toast.
"The park! The park!
Could you, would you,
in the park?"
Cranky screamed in fury,
"Not in the park! Not in a tree!
Not in a barn! Pinkie! Let me be!"
He spotted an old gardener's shed and dove inside, slamming the door behind him. He was cramped in the small dark space. The smell of fertilizer was obnoxious, and the gardening implements rattled with his movements. He finally went completely still and listened intently. There were no hoofsteps following him. No noise whatsoever. He let out a deep sigh.
But then a voice in the darkness whispered,
"Say.
In the dark?
Here in the dark.
Would you, could you, in the dark?"
Cranky didn't even bother with the door. He simply burst through the side of the shed. Little splintered pieces of wood rained down in his wake. He kept running until he finally stumbled into town. Maybe if he could find one of Pinkie's friends, they could talk her into leaving him alone.
Unfortunately, he had no such luck. There she stood, plain as day. For some reason she had painted her face white and wore giant red shoes. He skidded to a halt as she asked,
"Would you, could you
in the town?
Could you, would you
with a clown?"
For some unfathomable reason, the grouse from his house peeked its head from behind Pinkie and glared at Cranky. The bird then flapped over and pecked him savagely on the head. Satisfied, it flew away after blowing a noisy raspberry at him. Cranky had finally had enough. His temper had reached its peak and he screamed loud enough for everypony to hear,
"I would not, could not with a clown!
I would not, could not here in town!
I will not eat them in the park!
I will not eat them in the dark!
I will not eat them in a barn!
I don't care if it would cause no harm!
I will not eat them on the road!
Not even if you asked in code!
I will not eat them in my house!
I really, really hate that grouse!
I will not eat them here or there!
I will not eat them anywhere!
I do not like green eggs and rye!
I DO NOT LIKE THEM, PINKIE PIE!!!"
With his wrath fully spent, he collapsed in the middle of the street. Almost all of the ponies in town heard his outburst and had come to investigate. A huge throng of ponies surrounded Pinkie and himself, but he was too exhausted to care. Pinkie gingerly picked her way over to him and placed a comforting hoof over his shoulder. In her most soothing voice she said,
"You do not like them.
So you say.
Try them. Try them.
And you may."
Defeated, Cranky grumbled,
"Pinkie.
If you will let me be,
I will try them.
You will see."
He reached for the plate and eyed the unnaturally colored food skeptically. Closing his eyes, he brought a single egg to his mouth and ate it. He chewed for a few moments, then broke into a wide grin. He opened his eyes and said, "Hey, these are pretty good."
Hey, he thought, I'm not rhyming anymore!
Pinkie laughed cheerfully. "I told you, silly. All you had to do was try it. I would have left you alone if you didn't like it."
"Then why did you keep asking me all those weird questions?"
Pinkie gave him a confused look. "Food tastes better in trees and in the dark. That's not weird."
Cranky didn't even bother to argue. All that running had built up an appetite. Pinkie looked into the sky and cried out, "Dissy, I won! Come on down."
Discord jumped from a cloud with a bungee cord tied around his feet. He plummeted to the ground singing,
"And I'm free, free fallin'
Yeah I'm free, free fall-"
He was interrupted as his crashed right into the ground. Pinkie walked over to the Discord shaped depression in the ground, looking for her friend. The hole looked pretty deep.
She heard a voice behind her say, "Wow, I would not want to be that fellow. He should be more careful or he might damage his flawless self."
Pinkie turned around and saw Discord standing behind her, completely unscathed. She said, "I won the bet. He ate it."
"Good job, Pinkie Pie. Here is the book I promised. I'm sure Twilight would be ever so grateful to get her hooves on that little beauty." He clutched the small book protectively to his chest and dramatically pined, "Please, Pinkie. Please, take care of it."
He handed her the book, but Pinkie cleared her throat in challenge. She looked expectantly at Discord and asked, "What about our other arrangement?"
Discord blanched and sweat started to bead on his forehead. He stammered, "I'm- I"m sure I have absolutely n-no idea what you mean."
Pinkie inched her way closer and closer, smiling like a shark going after a fat colt in a raft. "Oh, I think you know exactly what I mean. I convinced him using less than fifty distinct words. You have to honor our agreement, Discord. You Pinkie Promised." Her eyes lit with demonic fire and her words reverberated eerily with a deep, gravely echo. "And nopony breaks a Pinkie Promise."
Discord shook in fear. Imagine, the spirit of chaos cowed by a cute pink mare wearing makeup and clown shoes.
Discord indignantly chimed, "Quit doing that, you pin-headed scribbler."
You DO realize that you're at my mercy as much as hers, right?
Pinkie grinned even wider. Her teeth looked unusually sharp and pointy. Was it his imagination, or did it get darker all of a sudden? Discord cried out, "Alright, you win!"
Everything returned to normal and Pinkie brushed a hoof nonchalantly on her coat. "I usually do."
Discord got down on his knees and pleaded, "Could I at least send the audience away first?"
Pinkie smiled at him, then shook her head. "Nopey, dopey."
"Fine. But for the record, I'm not proud of this." Discord snapped his fingers.