October 25th, 2013
Controversy Rages Over Name of Canterlot Redfurs
CANTERLOT—Recently, pressure has mounted on the Equestrian Hoofball League to change the name of the Canterlot Redfurs, out of a concern that the name is racist towards the buffalo.
"The name of this team is offensive to our race," said an Appleloosan buffalo activist, Little Strongheart. "For generations they have pushed us off of our stampeding grounds and have thrown apple pies at us, and now they want to name a sports team after us? It is not right."
"The EHL needs to take the feelings of the buffalo into account. If I were the owner, I'd consider changing the name," said Princess Celestia, who since the last time she addressed the nation had apparently solved the national debt, crime, privacy concerns, and terrorism, and had nothing better to talk about than the name of a sports team.
Public opinion polls have consistently shown that anywhere from 70-80% of Equestrians are in favor of the Redfurs keeping their name, including a majority of self-identified buffalo, indicating that this is a forced controversy and a non-issue invented by ponies with nothing better to do.
Little Strongheart, however, believes differently.
"That poll is misrepresenting our people. It relies on self-identified buffalo, rather than on actual buffalo. Ponies might say that they are buffalo when they aren't," said Little Strongheart, who by resorting to the tactic of accusing her opponents of lying, indicated that she had no real argument.
The team's coach, however, has stood steadfast behind the name of the team.
"There were buffalo on the team when the name was chosen. It's not a label; it's a badge of honor, and a tradition. My father coached the redfurs. And his father before him, and his father before him, and his father before him..."
When our interviewer woke up an hour later, the coach had finished.
Players on the Redfurs have remained mostly silent on the issue. "Yo dawg, I'm not touchin' that with a forty hoof pole, man. I'm a hoofball player. What do I look like, some social commentator or somethin'? Naw, man," said the team's quarterback, Roger Gryphon the third.
The controversy over the Redfurs' name is just the latest in a string of incidents in which politicians, lawyers, activists, and other ponies have interjected themselves into hoofball. Other incidents include ever-tightening safety rules and stricter enforcement of penalties which make the game unbearable to watch, and the Celestia administration's usage of public money to get the Baltimare Ravens to promote Celestiacare.
"These suits really need to lay off hoofball. It's the last place where I can escape from politicians' and lawyers' crap," said longtime fan, Sunday Tailgate. "What's next, will they ban tackling? Will they have to change the name of the Ponyville Bunnies because it offends rabbits?"
Yes.
At press time, a time traveler returning from the distant future has informed The Ponion that, twenty years into the future, hoofball will be touch-tackle only, fans will be prohibited from clapping so that they don't make the losing team feel bad, and teams will only be named after non-offensive, generic household appliances, such as the Fillydelphia Fridges and the Manehattan Dishwashers. Ω