Chapter 6: Did I just Party With Ponies?
"Ya know somethin', Pinkster?" I panted as we continued our "trot" towards the apple farm. "When I get outta here, I'm gonna try to quit smoking."
"I sure as shit hope so." Pinkie replied. "That stick you put in your mouth stinks! But then if you don't get to use it, you go loco in the coco. It's a vicious cycle."
"I'm sorry I brought that up. How much further?"
"There it is! Sweet Apple Acres!"
Pinkster pointed with her hoof at a huge field full of apple trees in an enormous fenced in area and a large wooden sign that read "Sweet Apple Acres". It was the orchard where I was hoping to get myself some hard cider and a little bit blitzed while I was at it.
"Howdy, Pinkie!" A hillbilly-like voice said to my comrade. It was a voice that reminded me of this time I burried a stiff near this backwater little town upstate. Every damn time the locals would open their mouths to talk, I had to resist the urge to belt them upside the face with the tire iron I kept in the trunk of the caprice. This one was no different.
"Hey, Applejack!" Pinkster replied to an orange pony wearing this stupid friggin' stetson hat trotting towards both of us.
"And you must be Vinnie!" The freckle faced equine said with a friendly tone but a nasty drawl. "Mah friend Rarity told me all about y'all."
Damn you, Gem.
This Applejack then got behind me and started pushing me over to the cider stand.
"C'mon now, don't be like Fluttershy." She said as she pushed me towards the stand with the top of her head. She must think she's a goat.
"let's hurry up and get me wasted, Jackie." I said impatiently. "The more you talk, the more I wanna choke the lif-"
"Jackie?" The hick pony said as she pushed me as hard as she could, tossing me a good ten feet forward to where I nearly landed flat on my face. "Huhuhuh. Ah've never been called that before. Ah like that!"
"If you weren't supplying me with booze, I'd splatter you."
I didn't like this Applejack. Call it judging a book by the cover or what have you but there was just something about hillbillies that gave me the urge to inflict bodily harm on somebody. After all, I spent most of my life in the biggest city in America so I never really could understand rednecks. Those hicks with their huge loud trucks with big pipes in the sides, carrying their bottles of brown spit water with them. Ugh, and I have yet to meet one who still has all of their teeth. I'm surprised that Rarity girl is friends this this one.
After I got back up to my feet and dusted myself off, I had just began to notice that there were ponies...EVERYWHERE! Not one square foot as far as I could see was pony free. It looked to me like the entire "town" had showed up to get hammered. Aside from the ups and downs of this place, these creatures were starting to seem more and more badass by the minute. I'll just have to get used to this hillbilly creep. It's just for a week though, right?
"You see, Bonbon?" A light green unicorn pony said while pointing her hoof at me to a so called "earth" pony. "That's what I'm *urp* talking about! it's just. Uhhh. It's so cool how he ca- *urp* Walk on just two legs and stuff."
"I think you've had enough, Lyra" the pony with the pink and blue mane replied. "let's get you home before you fall over again."
"I don't wanna! If I had legs like like that, I *hic* wouldn't have that pro- *urp* -blem!"
"Here ya go, Vinnie!" Jackie said as she hoofed over a large mug of foaming cider to me. "Pinkie's got this covered so the first one's on her."
Without any hesitation, I took the mug and drank the contents as fast as I could gulp them down. At first, I was expecting it to be weak but I ended up finding that I may have gulped a bit more than I should have. It was actually some pretty strong shit.
"How do ya like them apples?" Jackie asked me as I stood there to try to mentally process the strength of what I had just drank.
"Uhh" I stumbled with my words. "It's not half bad, Jackie. Just gimme a minute to gather myself and I'll take another rou-"
"Hey, Rainbow!" Jackie yelled over into the crowd. "Ya gotta meet Vinnie here! c'mon over!"
Suddenly, a pegasus rose up out of the crowd and turned over to face me and Jackie. It was a cyan blue pony with a mane of several different colors all arranged like a rainbow. As she was hovering there, she was swaying around a bit so I figured she was probably already buzzed. She continued to stare at me for a moment and suddenly bolted over to me as fast as I could blink an eye and stopped on a dime. So there I was just trying to enjoy a drink to be stared down by a drunken pegasus with eyes as bloodshot as mine were when I experimented with reefer in my teenage years. Lucky for her, I was already a little bit doped myself otherwise I would have smashed her face in out of reflex. I never did like anybody getting all up in my face. It never ended well for them.
"You wanna get outta my face?" I said to the drunken mare. "Because you're about to get yours re-arranged."
In return to my threat, the pony then backed up a few inches, began tearing up and burst out into hard laughter.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You *hic* should have seen the look on your face!" The pegasus said to me. "you just *urp* you looked like you were gonna pound my head in!"
"I just told you I was close to it" I replied.
"I'm Rainbow Dash by the way. And you must be that 'bipedal individual' that Pinkie told me about." she said, apparently mocking the term I preferred.
"Vinnie. So how many mugs do you need to get as crazy as you are?"
"Ha! I'm just being myself! I've only had one of these! if you think I'm crazy now, you should stick around to see how crazy I ca-"
"Is that a challenge? 'Cause I accept."
Suddenly, a hush fell over the crowd of ponies standing in line to get sloshed. They were soon all whispering among themselves and some of them even started placing some of their coins on the ground. For their financial sake, those bets better be getting placed on me.
"Pinkie! Fluttershy!" Rainbow Dash yelled. "A table and two chairs! pronto!"
The sweet yellow pony who fixed my nose earlier, and the crazy pink one I'd been hanging out with then rushed over with the outdoor furniture Rainbow Dash demanded and placed them in front of us.
"Big Mac!" she yelled again. "Get a barrel of cider and two mugs over here! Move it!"
"Eeyup." a big red stallion replied as he dropped a wooden barrel about the size of himself next to the table.
The badass pegasus I was about to humiliate was actually turning out to be worthy competition with the Pinkster when it came to being my favorite pony. Her attitude proved to be pretty tough. She even gave the red stallion a firm smack on his ass as he began to trot away.
"Alright, tough-guy" Rainbow Dash said to me. "You brought this on yourself so I'll assume you know how this works."
"I'd be insulted if you didn't, Cloud Speed." I replied.
There was just something about this punk's attitude and swagger that reminded me of this guy named Claude who worked as a wheel-man for the don a few years back. Pinkster and I had learned a lot from each other in the almost full day I've been in town. She taught me about the so called "cutie marks" on their flanks so I felt that the colorful lightning bolt coming out of a cloud along with the way she carried herself would make the nickname stick. She then poured two mugs of cider from the valve on the barrel and hoofed one over to me.
"Alright, Vinnie" she said, leering at me. "Before I make you look like a wuss in front of everypony, I wanna ask you for a favor."
"What was that, Cloud Speed?" I replied as I set down my now empty mug. "I couldn't hear you over the big mug of cider I just gulped down while you were yapping."
"I want you to remind me to ask my parents why they didn't make that my name!" She then polished her mug off in one gulp.
"Oh it's on now, motherfucker!"
A Few Drinks Later
"So uhh. where did you say you were from again?" The buzzed Rainbow Dash sitting accross from me asked as I finished my fifth mug.
"I lived all of my *BUUURRRAAAAP!* adult life in Manhattan but i'm one hundred percent Italian!"
"Don't you mean Manehatten?"
"Just shut up and fall over already!"
"Huhuhuh, you asked for it, pal! Prepare for extreme failure!"
A Few More Drinks Later
"So what's the deal with all these fuckin' yellow sparkles on the floor around everypony's hoofs?" I slurred as Cloud finished another mug.
"Uhh. bets! Yeah that's it. They bets on who wins in winning this shit." she replied.
"Aww shit, did I really just say that?"
"Say wha?"
"Everypony. Fuck, I've been here too damn long. Hey gi-gimme another cider o' that fuckin' hit will ya?"
Even More Drinks Later
"Heyyyy, Maaaac!" Cloud Speed yelled. "Are you keeping numbers?"
"Am ah what?" The red guy replied.
"How many mugs are we on? I forgeted."
"Thirteen."
"Then get your flank over here! I need to smack it for good luck! I'm about to lose my title of not beated!"
"Yo, cloud" I slurred. "Ya know what?"
"What?" She replied.
"Now, I'm not Irish"
"Uhh ok, and?"
"Yeah, I'm not. I'm originally from *hic* Italy. Ya see, we don't gots us drinking ages there. I'm a super seasoned drinkin' veteran, so I ain't plannin' on losing to a hamburger!"
"Are you gonna get to the point or am I gonna have t-Mac! I could really use your flank right about now! I'll do anything ya want next time we's alone in the *hic* barn!"
Several Exchanges Of Inaudible Dialogue Later
"Whadda fuck you callin' me?" I slurred in my drunken stupor.
"I says you's a-uhh." The blitzed Cloud speed replied. "I don rememur."
"I don't too. But you're jussa lil' bitch!"
"Shaddup, two-legger!"
"You're jussa lil' bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch!"
"Sayn dat one more time cuz I darez ya!"
"Youuuuuu are a lil' bit-" THUD!
"Heheh. Now who's a bitch, bit- THUD!
End Chapter 6