//------------------------------//
// A Nice Cup of Tea 
// Story: A Nice Cup of Tea 
// by Mannulus 
//------------------------------//


Chapter 3: A Nice Cup of Tea


Derpy stood on the deck of the pirate ship's gondola, slung low beneath its enormous, rigid frame.  She looked up at it nervously.
This thing is full of flammable, combustible, blow-up-able gas, she thought.  One cannonball through the wrong spot, and we're all gonna look like burnt muffins.
“Yar,” she be a sight, indeed,” came a familiar voice from beside where she stood.
“Pegwing,” said Derpy, “how did you get up here?”
“Ol' Pegwing's got a bit o' grit left in 'im yet,” was the obese pegasus' only response.
Derpy turned away from the big pegasus, and headed towards the stern of the ship, where Teacup stood next to her helm officer, a scrawny bat pony with half of his left ear missing.  Both his eye sockets were covered by patches.  Also present was the gypsy griffon Pegwing had mentioned.  She was clad in tattered, brown robes, and was old and decrepit.  Her left eye was obviously a glass prosthetic, and remained fixed forward as her right darted this way and that.
“They come now, my lady,” said the old griffon, “and their ships are fast, but they will not catch us so long as I have my magic.”
“Griffons have magic?” asked Derpy.
“Think not for a moment that it is only ponykind who can bend the will of the world to your own,” said the griffon. “We too have ways, those of us who seek to learn them, but it is a dangerous path to walk, and not all who brave it emerge unscathed.”
“Is that how you lost your eye?” asked Derpy.
“No,” said the griffon, shaking her head. “That happened when I used to work for a delivery service.  You wouldn't believe how dangerous that job can be.”
“Actually,” said Derpy, but she stopped herself. “Never mind.”
“Helm,” said Teacup, “turn the ship inland.  We'll escape to the mountains east of Canterlot, and find a place to lay low.  They'll never expect it.”
“Uh, Teacup” said Derpy, “I can let the gypsy griffon thing slide, but is it really a good idea for the guy steering the ship to not have eyes?”
“Helm has eyes,” said Teacup.
"His name's actually 'Helm?'" asked Derpy, but Teacup continued speaking without acknowledging the question.
“You see, the sunlight hurts his eyes because he's nocturnal.  He steers entirely through echolocation and his preternaturally sharp sense of bat pony hearing.”
“Oh, okay,” said Derpy.
She turned towards the bat pony clutching the ship's wheel.
“That's very impressive,” she said.
“Did somepony say somethin'?” said Helm, turning his head in confusion. “Seriously, somepony talkin' to me?”
“This can't be real,” said Derpy, flatly.
“I swears I keep hearin' somepony yammerin'!” shouted Helm. “Speak up where I can hear ye, or don't speak at all!”
Derpy quietly stepped away from the bat pony, and stood beside Teacup.
“Cap'n!” there came a shout from behind the ship, and Derpy turned to see a yellow pegasus coming in for a landing.
He was short, and had a shaggy, blue mane that fell down and covered his eyes, completely.  His cutie mark was a telescope.
“I seen 'em, Cap'n,” he said, “Battleships!  Not fewer than four!”
“Lookout, you have to be kidding,” said Teacup. “That's absurd.  They'd never commit that much of the Navy...”
“Look me in the eye, and tell me I'm lying!” said Lookout, and he lifted his bangs with a hoof.
He had one, huge eye, like a cyclops.  It was bloodshot with a jet-black iris, and it blinked twice.
“Alright, I believe you,” said Teacup, and Lookout let his bangs fall back over his one enormous eye.
“This crew just keeps making me feel better about myself,” said Derpy.
“Arr?” said Lookout.
“Nothing,” said Derpy.
Teacup opened a cover over a brass speaking tube, and half-shouted into it.
“Engine Room, pedal faster!”
The sound of somepony panting fiercely came back through the tube.
“Aye... aye... Cap'n... But might I... be gettin' a... bottle a' liquid refreshment?”
“I'll see about it,” said Teacup, and she began to fumble through a cabinet near the wheel's pedestal.  After a moment, she produced a bottle of water.
“His name's really 'Engine Room,' isn't it?” asked Derpy.
“What else would it be?” asked Teacup.
Derpy shrugged, conceding the point.
“What does he look like?” asked the gray pegasus.
“No one knows,” said Teacup, and she shoved the bottle into the open tube.
A hardy, “Thankee Cap'n!” echoed from the tube, and Teacup shut it.
“Is your whole crew like this?” asked Derpy.
“If only,” said Teacup.

They almost got away.  The mountains came into sight not an hour later, and for a moment, it seemed they would be able to find some secluded valley to sink the ship into, and make good their escape.  Then, Lookout landed on the deck.
“Cap'n!” he shouted frantically, “Three more ships be comin' in direct from Canterlot-way, and they be the largest and fastest of the fleet!  It be right as if they knew what way we was headed, all along!”
At this, Pegwing, standing nearby, cut loose in woeful lament.
“We been bamboozled!  Duped, I say!  Some traitorous scaliwag has betrayed us into the hooves a' justice to suffer the deserts of our wrong-doins!  The hoof a' Fate we've so long fled is pressin' down upon us to take the vengeance which it craves so dear!  Thar be no penance for the things we done; no recompense we can make for our inequities!  All our vice and greed is to be repaid unto us in kind!  I can't take it, Cap'n! I JUST CAN'T!
With that, Pegwing took off at a full gallop, and leapt over the deck railing.
Derpy just stood blinking, staring at the place where Pegwing had disappeared over the rail.  Part of her wanted to gasp, another to cry, but the whole situation had become so bizarre that her emotions were not quite fully functional.
“He'll be fine,” said Teacup.
Derpy gave her a look of mixed skepticism and indignation.
“For the moment,” said the pirate mare, “we should probably...” she drew in a deep breath …”PREPARE FOR BATTLE!”
A muffled wave of cheers erupted from below decks.
“Wait a minute!” said Derpy. “You can't fight three big, modern battleships with this old relic!  You'll get creamed!”
“Of course,” said Teacup, “We're pirates.  That's what we call 'retirement.'”
Derpy just stared at Teacup, her jaw hanging open.
“Besides, if worse comes to worst, we have a hostage.”
Derpy looked around.
“You have a what, now?”  She blinked a couple of times. “Oh.”
“Why did you think I brought you along?” asked Teacup.
Derpy felt her heart sink, and her ears drooped.
“For tea?” the gray pegasus finally offered.
“That sounds lovely,” said Teacup, and she opened the speaking tube.
“Galley, can I have two cups of tea on the bridge, please?”
She turned back to Derpy.
“Please don't try to fly away,” said Teacup. “I'll have to have Crackshot blow you down with his favorite cannon.”
“With a name like 'Crackshot,'” said Derpy, “I bet...”
“No, he won't miss,” said Teacup.
“Yeah,” said Derpy, glumly, "that's what I thought."

Ten minutes later, with the silhouettes of three Equestrian battle cruisers growing larger in the distance, Derpy sat next to Teacup, sipping from a steaming cup of the same tea she'd had earlier that morning.
“You know, this is really good,” said Derpy, quietly.
“It's the last of my personal stock,” said Teacup. “It was my favorite blend back when I was younger.  I guess it lasted just long enough.”
She took a sip.
“You know,” she said, touching her hoof to the big, red ruby, which she still wore. “I can't believe the gypsy's spell didn't detect it.  There must be some powerful magic on this little trinket.”
Derpy's eyes widened.
“Huh?”
“Come on,” said Teacup, “From a fan?  That little cove north of Baltimare?  I know we're judged by the company we keep, but give me more credit than that, Derpy Hooves.”
“Why did you play along?” asked Derpy.
“Maybe I'm just ready for this to be over,” sighed Teacup. “But more than that, you intrigued me.  At first, I was going to do away with you, but after I talked to you for awhile, I realized that you couldn't be one of Brainwash's rubes.  You're too nice – too sincere.”
“I'm just a delivery pony,” said Derpy, “and I hate my job.”
“Then why are you here?” asked Teacup.
“My daughter,” said Derpy. “Princess Celestia said she'd let her into the School for Gifted Unicorns.”
“You do know you should already be dead, right?” asked Teacup.
“In more ways than you even know," said Derpy.
“That was acceptable to you?” asked the pirate, sipping at her tea.
“I guess so,” said Derpy. “I mean, not really, but I couldn't not do it, either.”  She shrugged, and sipped. “I don't know.  I'm confused.  I stay confused.”
“I don't think so,” said Teacup. “I think you see the world very clearly through those googly eyes of yours.”
In the distance, the three battleships had fanned out, meaning to flank the Red Whatever.
“What will you do now?” asked Derpy.
Teacup shrugged, and at that moment, Lookout landed right behind the two mares.
“Cap'n, ye'll not be believin' this.”
“Try me,” said Teacup.
“Princess Celestia herself be aboard one o' them vessels, and she be armored up for battle.”
“Delightful,” said Teacup, sinking down slightly. “If it wasn't over before, it most certainly is now.”
“What do we do Cap'n?” came a gruff voice from across the bridge.  Derpy turned to see Pegwing, looking through a spyglass towards the incoming battle cruisers.
“Wait... how?” was all Derpy could say before Teacup cut her off.
“Run up the white flag, and bring us alongside her ship so we can discuss terms.”
“Surrender?” asked Pegwing, turning back towards the mares.  He had a small, adhesive bandage above his right eye.
“Not exactly,” said Teacup.

As her ship pulled up alongside the Red Whatever, Princess Celestia was shocked to see that, upon its bridge, amidst the pirates, stood Derpy Hooves.
“Oh, no,” she said.
She strode closer to the deck railing, the heavy suit of gilded, florentine barding she wore clattering slightly as she approached it.
“Pirate Magenta-with-a-Saffron-Stripe-Beard!” she shouted.
One of the pirates, a mauve pegasus mare, waved back.
“'Teacup' will do,” she shouted.
“Pirate... Teacup,” mumbled Celestia. “It takes all kinds.”
She shrugged.
Brainwash, standing nearby, and also armored, stepped to her side.
“What do we do about the delivery girl?” he asked.
“You do nothing,” said Celestia. “I'll take care of this.”
“Pirate Teacup,” she said, “I hereby order you to lay down your weapons, and to surrender your ship and crew!”
“And if we refuse?” shouted back the pirate.
“Then you will be subdued by force,” responded Celestia.
“Do I have to point out that I have a hostage?” asked the pirate.
“I had noticed,” said Celestia. “Release her, and I can guarantee that no harm will come to yourself or your crew.”
“Not right away, at least!” shouted the pirate.
“What the courts decide to do with you is not my immediate concern!” shouted Celestia.
“That is a position I find it difficult to share,” shouted the pegasus. “I need better terms.”
“Equestria does not negotiate with pirates,” said Celestia, shaking her head.
“You are Equestria,” said the pirate, Teacup.
“That is why I cannot make an exception,” said Celestia.

On the deck of the Red Whatever, Derpy watched Teacup slump down at the Princess' words.
“I suppose it was just a flight of fancy,” she said, turning an eye towards Derpy.
“Very well,” she said, turning to the gray mare. “In a moment, I'm going to give a signal for my crew to fire on Celestia's ship.”
“Are you crazy!?” shouted Derpy. “Celestia will blow this old, red bucket out of the sky!”
“Of course she will,” said Teacup, “with or without you on it.  That's why it's time for you to go, now.”
“What?” asked Derpy. “I'm not leaving until this is over!”
“This was over from the moment I put on this silly necklace,” said Teacup, indicating the gemstone. “Now, it's time for you to leave.  Fly as fast as you can away from here, and don't look back.”
“You can't fight them; you'll get ponies killed! Not just you, and not just your crew, either!”
“We're pirates,” said Teacup. “It won't be the first time.”
“But it doesn't have to be this way,” plead Derpy, her eyes tearing up.
“I don't know how else it can be,” said Teacup. “Now, go.”
Derpy backed towards the railing, her head held low.
“I'm sorry, Teacup,” she said.
“For what?” asked the pirate, and she looked up just in time to see Derpy leap the railing and fly straight towards Celestia's ship.
“Do you want I should have Crackshot blow her down?” asked Pegwing.
Teacup smiled sadly, and shook her head.
“No, Pegwing,” she said. “Let her go.”

Celestia noticed her ship's cannons tracking Derpy's movement just in time.
“HOLD YOUR FIRE!” she shouted, and the force of her voice echoed off the mountains below.
Derpy landed on the deck of the ship, and skidded to a halt right in front of the big, armor-clad alicorn.
“Princess, don't...” she began, but Celestia cut her off with a hard look.
“That was foolish,” said Celestia.
“I know,” said Derpy, “but that's kinda my thing.”
“It was also very brave,” said Celestia. “Funny how those tend to walk hoof-in-hoof.”
“Well, Princess,” came a shout from the other vessel, and Celestia lifted her eyes towards it.
“It seems that you are the one who now has a hostage.”
“Excuse me?” said Celestia, totally confused.
“Close the gun ports,” said the pirate captain, and a big, green pegasus standing next to her grunted out a few syllables that were totally unintelligible to Celestia's ears.
“I said close them,” said the mauve pegasus. “We surrender.”

Awhile later, Derpy sat on the deck of the huge Equestrian battlecruiser. She watched, forlorn, as pair of big, white pegasus sailors escorted a tiny mauve pegasus with a magenta, saffron-striped mane over from the Red Whatever.  She was bound to each by a chain, and her hooves were in shackles.
As they landed, she looked right at Derpy from across the deck, and gave her a peculiar little smile, as Celestia approached the place where she and the two guards stood.
Derpy likewise approached, but stood at a distance.
“Pirate Teacup,” said Celestia, rolling her eyes slightly at the words, “You are to be returned to Canterlot where you will be tried for the crime of piracy.  In view of your unconditional surrender, and of certain other facts which have recently been brought to my attention, I will recommend... some degree of leniency to the court.  How much, I have not yet decided.'
“Now, there is somepony who would like to speak to you.”  She stepped to the side, and Derpy approached, timidly.
“Hi, Teacup,” said Derpy. “I'm... sorry.”
“If anypony here has no need to be sorry,” said Teacup, “it is you.”
“I still feel sorry,” said Derpy.
“You know, I never saw it coming,” said Teacup. “A right bold move, played straight-faced as could be.  You would have made a good pirate.” She paused. “If there was room in the world for such a thing as a good pirate.”
“Take her away,” said Celestia.
“Wait!” said Derpy. “I have one question.”
Celestia held up a hoof, and the guards stopped.
“If you were never gonna hurt me,” asked the gray pegasus, “why did you bring me along, at all?”
The mauve pegasus shrugged.
“I suppose I just wanted somepony to sit down with and share a nice cup of tea.”
At this Celestia waved a hoof, and the two guards took the pirate away towards the brig.
Derpy looked up at Celestia.
“Will she ever get out of prison?” she asked.
“Perhaps,” said Celestia, "but it will be a long time. You must remember, Derpy, she's done more than you know.”
“I don't wanna know,” said the little pegasus.
“That's for the best,” said Celestia.
Celestia turned to walk away, and a thought crossed Derpy's mind.
“Will they let her have tea in prison?” Derpy couldn't believe how silly the question sounded.  It was like something Dinky would ask.
Celestia stopped, and turned her head.  She was smiling.
“Of course they will,” she said. “That's only civilized.”


*  *  *


It was well after sunset when Derpy knocked on the door of Golden Oaks Library.  All she wanted to do was pick up Dinky, and put the past couple of days behind her.  She sighed as she waited for a response.
“Coming!” she heard Twilight Sparkle's voice, and in a few moments, the door swung open.
“Twilight, you're... dressed up,” said Derpy, noticing a frilly, lacy evening gown which Twilight was wearing for no apparent reason.
“Oh, the dress!” said the little alicorn. “We were having a tea party.  Like, a real one, with real tea, and everything.  It was Dinky's idea.”
“Mommy!” squeaked a tiny voice, and dinky ran up to maul her mother with a hug. “They said you flew into another pegasus, and had to go the hospital.”
“Something like that,” said Derpy, smiling down at her daughter.  Dinky was wearing a little evening dress she had apparently packed and brought from home, but what really caught Derpy's eye was her mane.  There was a bright purple stripe running down one side of it.
“Who did your highlight, there?” asked Derpy.
“Oh, I was redoing mine,” said Twilight. “She wanted to see what it would look like, and I had a little left over, so... I hope you don't mind.”
“No," said Derpy, ”I don't mind."
The colors were backwards, of course, and a just a shade or two off, besides.  And Dinky was of course no pegasus.  All the same, her daughter's mane and general coloration bore a striking resemblance to those of the pirate mare.
“I don't mind, at all,” she said.
“Come inside,” said Twilight, and Derpy complied.
“Can I keep it?” asked Dinky, indicating the stripe of color that shot through her mane.
“If you want,” said Derpy, and her daughter noticed something odd about her tone and demeanor.
“Mommy, you seem kinda sad.”
“Oh, it's okay, honey,” said Derpy. “Mommy's just a little tired.”
Dinky turned and darted back towards the dining room.
“You should be proud of her,” said Twilight. “She's really talented.”
“I am,” said Derpy, “and I know.  But thank you, Twilight.”
“She'll do great at the school,” said the alicorn.  Come sit down with us,” said the alicorn.
Derpy followed her into the dining room.  There were indeed all the trappings of a real tea party spread out on the table: a teapot, cups, kettle of hot water, and a tray of small pastries, muffins mercifully among them.  Derpy seated herself, but something out the window across the room caught her eye:  The silhouette of Canterlot Castle, glistening in the moonlight from where it jutted from the side of the mountain.
Within that beautiful fortress, where Derpy herself had stood not two days past, a pegasus named Teacup sat alone in a prison cell.
A friend? thought Derpy. Was she my friend?  I'd like to think so.  I wonder if they've brought her any tea, yet.  If they have, I bet it's not as good as what she's used to.
“Would you like a cup of tea, Derpy?” asked Twilight.
“Just a muffin and a glass of water,” said the pegasus, quietly. “I don't feel like tea, right now.”


finem