//------------------------------// // Redik's Crazy Dream (Bonus chapter!) // Story: Chronicles of the Planeswalkers // by Eagle Heart //------------------------------// Have you ever looked up at the night sky above and wondered... is there a place out there where anything is possible or just plain super awesome? Well look no further, for you are about to be told the story of... El Rediko. Master of the sword, beater of dumbass assassins, but above all... richest man on the planet. With his big ass mansion and butt loads of money, the great El Rediko lives happily and carefree within his manor of awesome and solitude. Though, sometimes the lame ass peasants come to bother him for something stupid like rent and insurance. “But El Rediko, we can’t pay the rent. We just haven’t made enough bacon coins to get by this year! Please just give us some time!” a rather ragged old man pleads, getting on his knees and desperately begging. “Away with you! El Rediko does not have time for peasants, there are assassins afoot! How do I know this?! My all amazing Rediko sense that allows me to sense dumbassery from a mile away!” the great El Rediko shouts dramatically while staring directly at nothing, as if something was watching him... After a rather strange pause, he bolts out of the door over his overly priced mansion and on to his magical battle cat... Phillip! The cat growls at him as he approaches, it was much larger than himself and could easily maul and maim him. But was unable to, Phillip was bound to El Rediko’s servitude after the super awesome wizard saved him from the wompaton dog-yetis. El Rediko grabs the saddle of the cat and tries to hop on, with the swing of his right leg he flings himself right over the cat and right on to the ground below on the other side. “Moose balls!” he yells and corrects his amazing feather plume hat. With an aggressive stare toward the saddle, he decides “Screw the cat.” and just goes with his magical flight boots. “Stupid Philip, making me use the damn super boots. Hate the super boots.” he frustratingly mumbles to himself. He makes his way past his pond full of gold water and to the tool shed. Taking a peek inside, he spots the leather boots and grabs them. Nothing seemed too special about them, it must be what’s inside that counts. He slips his old and shitty normal boots off his feet and puts the new awesome, much better, and much cooler boots on. They vibrate on his feet as they turn on and he looks to the sky. Fist raised in the air, he shouts “AWAY!” to quickly be launched backward and directly into his golden pond. “Damn it! Forgot to turn off the hydraulic suspension...” He flips an invisible button on the boots and they make a magical sound, showing that they run on pure awesomesauce energy. “Okay... AWAY!” he yells again and raises the same fist in the air. Nothing happens and he hears the sound of passing gas... “What the fu-...” his feet were already lit on fire before he could finish his sentence. “AHHHHH! AHHHH! FIRE BAD, FIRE BAD!” He screams while running in a circle, completely forgetting there is a pond of gold water next to him. “Gotta think, gotta think, gotta think and run at the same time!” El Rediko managed to yelp out while appearing to dance like a complete idiot in circles. Then... he had this genius idea! Take the shoes off! So he reaches down and grabs the boots, but stops for a second... what was that smell? It smelled like... meat cooking... About seven minutes pass before Rediko finally manages to get the shoes off and not burning. Within those seven minutes he swore on his first born child’s life, cursed the god of monkeys, said something about vegetable penises, and somehow glued his hand to his crotch. “Okay... I can figure a way out of this...” he thinks to himself. So he tugs, but his hand remained firmly on his crotch. Again... nothing. “Okay... I’m gonna need two hands for this.” so he puts his other hand on top of his stuck one, and pulls. But this time his other hand didn't come off either... crap. Frantically looking around, not a thing in sight that could help him could be spotted. So he decides to waddle awkwardly over back toward his mansion. If Aquila could see this right now, he’d burst his sides laughing. As El Rediko makes his way back through the mansion, he catches the old man giving him the strangest look. Like Rediko just lost all his dignity within about fifteen minutes. Pfft, this awesome guy has more dignity in his finger than the world does entirely. A dumbass glues his hand to his crotch... but a real man glues both. He quickly finds his way into the bathroom and inspects his predicament in the mirror. One handsome guy with his hands glued to his crotch. Nothing unusual here except his hair was practically ruined... he needs to get his hands off now so he can fix it! Using his mouth to open the mirror cabinet he looks around for something he could use. Just lotion, lotion, more lotion, oh and more lotion. Damn. After giving up his search, El Rediko has a genius idea! He can just burn the glue off with fire! So he focuses on his crotch really intently, his hands became warm quickly and ignite on fire. To which he screams as if he were a five year old girl who just got a scrape on her knee. Somewhere else “AHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Redik screams unmanishly as he awakens from his dream. He hears a noise from nearby like a thump and the familiar sound of Aquila screaming obscenities in his crazy language. “Ti ammazzo, pezzo di merda sono stato un bel sogno!” Aquila yells while holding his aching back. He’d fallen off the couch he was sleeping on next to Redik who was sleeping on the floor a few feet away. “What is wrong with you?!” “My crotch was on fire! What’d you expect me to do, quietly whisper to it how much it dang ass hurts?!” Redik retorts back. “I only whisper to my crotch on special occasions!” Aquila takes a moment to inspect his friend... “Why are your hands on your... parts...? OH, GROSS!”