The blue pegasus drew a breath. “Hello, and welcome to Canterlot Inbox where we answer your mail. My name is Rainbow Dash, and with me are my friends Rarity and these pretzels!” She motioned to The Tray (let’s call it The Tray, shall we?). “Rarity, say hi.”
The white unicorn next to her smiled. “Hello,” she said. “Rainbow, I brought those clothes you asked for. They fit rather well, if I do say so myself.” She pulled out a box next to her. It was about the size of one of Rainbow’s wings. Rarity removed the purple lid and took out what was inside. She removed a yellow apron from the box. “This is for you, Rainbow,” she said. Rainbow noticed she was slurring her words ever-so-slightly. “I made it just for you. Thought you needed something to call your own.” She pulled another from the box. It was green. “This is for me,” she explained, putting it on. She buckled the buckle (what else would she buckle?) behind her. “I also made two for Luna and Pinkie.”
“Rarity, you okay?” Rainbow asked, mildly concerned.
“I’m fine. I just had a shot before I came here.”
“One shot?”
Rarity nodded.
“And you’re slurring your words.”
Rarity nodded again.
“Fucking lightweight.”
“Screw you,” Rarity countered, giggling.
“Wanna start the show?”
“Sure. Ask a question.”
“Okay.” Rainbow picked up The Paper (let’s call it The Paper, shall we?). “First question comes from TheWraithWriter, who asks: Dear Rainbow Dash, is performing a Sonic Rainboom comparable to an orgasm? Good question, Wraith. The answer is yes. It feels really good.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“So when you caught me that one time at the Best Young Flyers Competition?”
“Yep.”
“I thought that the moisture on my body was sweat,” Rarity started. Rainbow started laughing. “Boy, was I wrong about that,” Rarity finished.
“Next question!” Rainbow said, getting over her laughter. “xXfireheartXx asks: what's your apocalypse survival plan? Here’s mine: cut to the end of the evolution of survival. You know the whole evolution of survival?”
Rarity nodded.
“It starts out, oh, things are shitty, we’re rationing food, now we’re being careful of other survivors, and now, oh, we had to eat the fuckin’ cat, wah, wah, wah. Pretty soon, you’re at the end of the line, right? I snap right to the end! The minute there’s a brownout, the minute a circuit breaker trips in my apartment, I resort to cannibalism!” Rarity started laughing. “You just cut right to the fucking end. How about you, Rarity?”
“I completely agree with yours.”
“I have that effect on people. Next question: can you prank call somepony right now? The answer to that question is yes! Rarity, who should we prank call?”
“Hmm...how about Lyra?”
“Lyra? Alright. We’ll call her landline, so she doesn’t get caller ID.” Rainbow Dash pulled her phone out from her saddlebag. She dialed Lyra’s number and put the phone on speaker. “She just got some fraudulent charges on her credit card recently, so we’ll play off of that.” The phone rang, but no one picked up. Instead, Lyra’s voicemail answered. “Hello, this is Lyra. I can’t come to the phone right now, so please leave a message, and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. Thanks.” The tone rang.
“Go fuck yerself,” Rainbow said, imitating someone from Appleoosa as best as she could. “We need someone else to prank. How about...how about Vinyl?”
“Vinyl Scratch?”
“Yeah.” She dialed Vinyl’s number in her phone, once again putting it on speaker. Once again, the voicemail accepted the call. “Hey, it’s me, Vinyl. I, uh, can’t answer your call, so just...y’know, leave a message and I’ll get back to ya ASAP. Thanks.”
Once again, Rainbow said, “Go fuck yerself!” into the phone, now starting to giggle. “We need somebody else to prank.”
“Okay. How about...Twilight? Let’s do Twilight.
“Wanna do Twilight?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Third time’s the charm.” She dialed Twilight’s desk phone and placed it on speaker. It rang. This time, their quarry picked up. “Hello?” Twilight asked.
“Hi, this is Credit Check from Credit Services Protection. I was jus’ callin’ to check, we’ve had some...strange purchases on your primary credit card, just wanted to run it by you.”
“Um, okay.”
“Alright. First, did you recently rent...Prime Flanks...seems to be an adult entertainment VHS tape?” Rarity and Rainbow giggled at the latter’s handiwork. Fake name, fake tape, fake voice.
“No, I did not buy that,” Twilight responded. Rainbow could make out a faint giggle.
“Okay, so that’s…149 bits we can check off of your account.”
“Okay. What’s next on the list? I’m starting to get a little worried over here.”
“Have you ever purchased a dildo?”
Laughter from everyone.
“For your asshole?”
More laughter.
Twilight spoke again. “Are you sure you have the right pony?”
“Yeah, yeah, it’s definitely you!”
“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight said, cracking up.
“This has you written all over it!”
Rainbow hang up. Rarity released her built-up giggles, and they exploded into all-out laughter.
“That’s so fuckin’ dumb!” Rainbow said, holding her stomach.
“Words are failing me,” Rarity added.
“Okay. I think that’s all the time we have this week on Inbox. Rarity can’t be here next week, but I know who I can get on. She doesn’t usually like to talk, but maybe some alcohol can fix that.”